elaine567 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Jealousy is a natural emotion. A valued relationship is seen as being threatened by a third party and experiencing jealousy is a wake up call that the relationship may be in danger. Yes it may be due to insecurity, but sometimes it is due to a strong intuition and should not be ignored. 2
PRW Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Your jealousy made you stiff which made the whole thing awkward and I think that is the real problem. If you weren't jealous and were relaxed/happy it would have worked out fine Now, I don't think that single attractive men and single attractive women can just be friends very easily. One of the two is always secretly wanting to get in the others pants,...but I don't think that was the root of the problem here. The only way I myself can be purely just a friend with a woman is if I know with certainty that I would just never want to be romantically involved with her for whatever reason. But if there is even a remote chance that I would want to,...then it would always be in the back of my mind even if she was married or had a BF (it is always possible they could break up).
olivetree Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 The girl won and the guy was already taking a photo of her. It made sense for your bf to move closer to the original subject, and you should have too. If you replace the girl with a guy, would you still be jealous? As others have said, you excluded yourself. You should have just joined in and got close, and now I suspect you might be mad at yourself deep down for the way the photo turned out (you off to the side). 1
Author frus69 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) Jealousy is a natural emotion. A valued relationship is seen as being threatened by a third party and experiencing jealousy is a wake up call that the relationship may be in danger. Yes it may be due to insecurity, but sometimes it is due to a strong intuition and should not be ignored. If I wasnt a jealous person and felt jealous in particular situations I will think it's an indicator of something. But I know I get jealous very easily and have experience in the past where my jealousy and insecurity made me mad however truth turned out to be that I was very wrong. So now I'm learning to be calm. Plus jealousy and insecurity is a very unhappy feeling, I'd not feel like eating, not feel like going out or do anything I'd normally enjoy doing so I really want to fix me and not want them to dictate my life. If, worst case, something really is going on, I dont need to let jealousy makes decision for me. If one day I really catch them doing something I'll walk. But before that I wont torture myself with my imagination. Now, I don't think that single attractive men and single attractive women can just be friends very easily. One of the two is always secretly wanting to get in the others pants,...but I don't think that was the root of the problem here. The only way I myself can be purely just a friend with a woman is if I know with certainty that I would just never want to be romantically involved with her for whatever reason. But if there is even a remote chance that I would want to,...then it would always be in the back of my mind even if she was married or had a BF (it is always possible they could break up). For one I don't know if he finds her attractive. For two they know each other 7 years now, not 7 months. For three as long as hes focused on me now I dont care what his past was like with her. We all have past. For four we all have someone in the back of our mind. Theres a hot guy in my office and if things break off I wouldn't mind getting with him, we all need to move on after all. But it doesnt mean I'm planning on it now or my eyes are wondering now. I am very much just focused on my bf. So if we break up and he eventually gets with her, fair enough. Not my business anymore. Edited July 1, 2019 by frus69
Author frus69 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 You need to approach situations that make you feel jealous and insecure with confidence and it will put out the fire of insecurity and jealousy most likely. Anything else, such as worrying about it and analyzing it FEEDING the feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Yes, I could have moved closer or gave my bf a hug and a big smile and the pic would turn out to look a lot better for me. Yes , *I* could make it look like we are a couple and she is a good friend and it will be a very nice photo. but I was expecting him to do all that and treat me as the princess, the centre of his attention. I generally have the attitude of " bf should always have his attention on me. He should come up to me and get close to me" . Maybe I need to learn to not fixated on these things 2
Versacehottie Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I like that you know it might be irrationally generated, OP. It seems like you understand the majority of what is going on (i would say all) is something that you can work on within yourself rather than be dependent on what happens outside of yourself and react to what others do. Now you just need to figure out what to do to make that organize itself within your brain. If you keep thinking about the situation, what he thinks, what the friend thinks or is after etc--it won't solve the problem. Like you said everyone has someone else they are attracted to--whether they act on it or not is a totally different story and something that being jealous won't prevent. If anything, acting jealous and feeling that your person will get with another person/another specific person sometimes CAUSES, yes causes!, exactly that, which i'm sure you know. The solution for combating jealous feelings is be your confident and secure self--the opposite of what you expect of yourself, the opposite of searching for outside answers of what they are to each other or to try to contain him or patrol him. So again I say, do the work that you can do to create that feeling within yourself, in those situations, etc. I would say NOT to think of it like being confident IN COMPARISON to her or what she is, that usually doesn't work--see you would still be putting the attention and focus on her and if might serve to highlight how you feel inadequate. You should probably focus on what is good about you in general, how he makes you feel special in general. I think you should mentally revisit the "situation" and walk yourself through how and what you could have done differently so you would leave that moment feeling better about things. In a way, this is the stuff you need to "teach" yourself so you have it to fall back on & so that it isn't out of your comfort zone. Try this. Jealousy (this type, i.e. relationship) is fear about something that you can't control anyway. If he is going to cheat or leave you for another person, he will do it anyway so no sense in worrying over it. You need to face your fear and get comfortable with "if he leaves because he prefers someone else, i don't want him. Also stick with the rational thoughts: he has known her for a long time so if something were going to happen with them, it probably would have already. She has a boyfriend; she has been supportive of your relationship with him. You probably should put attention to the here and now--you are in the new part of your relationship when things are fun and new & exciting. For some people the uncertainty, would make them nervous, fearful or insecure--maybe that's what's going on here in part. Learn to enjoy it. And find healthy ways to get more certainty from yourself and the new relationship--that don't involve monitoring the other person or overly asking or wanting them to fill a void (unhealthy) that you have about yourself. Good luck
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Maybe I need to learn to not fixated on these things Yes. You will have solved your own problem! If course it's wonderful to be treated like the Princess but this wasn't an instance of him being really awful. Less then perfect sure but this isn't the issue you want to break up over. 1
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 She is mad that her bf did not make the special effort to include her. They are his friends, his group. Had she pushed herself in, he may not have been best pleased, she needed him to take the lead. He didn't. It may not be enough to end the relationship, but it is still a significant "moment". A small black mark on the slate...
Author frus69 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) They are his friends, his group. Had she pushed herself in, he may not have been best pleased, .. Well just to point out he def wont he " not pleased" if I push myself in. The whole party was to introduce me to his group so I'm sure he'd love to see me mingle in. In fact its gonna be a problem if I cant fit in into his friends/family Edited July 1, 2019 by frus69 1
Author frus69 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 Yes. You will have solved your own problem! If course it's wonderful to be treated like the Princess but this wasn't an instance of him being really awful. Less then perfect sure but this isn't the issue you want to break up over. Dayum why cant he just be perfect lol!
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Dayum why cant he just be perfect lol! 'Cause we're not perfect either. If he posted about this incident we'd probably be hearing him wonder & worry when you didn't come closer while he was trying to integrate you into the group. Although it's a l.o.n.g. ways off you have to consider that if you made it that far, these people would all be invited to your wedding & many of them might be attendants because they are his nearest & dearest.
Author frus69 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 This picture would bother me too I also suspect that many men would not like it if the tables were turned Besides crispy lol. I genuinely believe he would not take issue based on the posts I’ve seen. He seems to be very open minded in general. Being open minded seems to be a really wonderful thing. I have a friend who is really open minded and hes always happy and positive. And he laughed at me when I told him this and said " we pose close all the time!". Being open minded seems to be able to break you free from lots of negative thoughts/ energy. 2
Author frus69 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 'Cause we're not perfect either. If he posted about this incident we'd probably be hearing him wonder & worry when you didn't come closer while he was trying to integrate you into the group. Although it's a l.o.n.g. ways off you have to consider that if you made it that far, these people would all be invited to your wedding & many of them might be attendants because they are his nearest & dearest. Hah I'm sure they will be invited to his wedding, probably their parents too! Pretty sure their parents made him grilled cheese after school, back in the day
Versacehottie Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 100%!! Your friend is right! Basically a) this isn’t that big a deal...unless you turn it into one and then could be the catalyst of a dealbreaker. b) being the partner of a “heavy” or overly serious or touchy person is exhausting..you will get farther with people if you pick you battles and have a lighthearted approach in general C) negative people drive other people away from them, open and happy people draw others toward them—which you can use to your advantage in every situation. Take an assessment of your life in areas where you are negative vs where you are open and positive-minded—you will mostly see that positive attracts positive and brings more opportunities to you and little seems insurmountable with that attitude. While negative brings more negative and more worry and does little to “change” the situation—if anything tends to ruin what could be good. It’s a chain of internal thing that make things seem possible and thus possible when you are open minded or positive. Your brain has the anwers, can help you get them and knows you will be ok when you have this attitude—which is effectively an inner confidence. Try it 1
Author frus69 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 ^^ yeah for some reason the movie "my best friends wedding" keeps poping into my mind. I never liked the jealousy best friend, but Im really like her. I really like the kind,warm,trusting, bright eyed and dreamy bride but Im not like that at all lol I'd want to be like that though. It was a happy ending for her in the movie so I hope being more trusting and open minded will get me a happy ending in general as well.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I don't like when people assume being jealous is normal after being cheated on. . Are you really trying to say jealousy isn’t a normal emotion that many people feel when cheated on simply because you didn’t have those feelings when you got cheated on? Or are you referring to someone being jealous towards other partners after being cheated on? Because the statement I made was referring to how a person who got cheated on feels during the time it happened. Those feelings of jealousy isn’t just “possessiveness or control” is my point
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Being open minded seems to be a really wonderful thing. I have a friend who is really open minded and hes always happy and positive. And he laughed at me when I told him this and said " we pose close all the time!". Being open minded seems to be able to break you free from lots of negative thoughts/ energy. Yea that statement wasn’t criticism against crispy actually. But since your bringing up “open mindedness” I believe being open minded for the most part is a very good thing. However There is a such thing as too open minded though (accepting the unacceptable/looking the other way/being open to any ole thing)
Author frus69 Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 Jealousy is a normal emotion but I shouldnt act on it. I know how ugly it makes me look I actually have never been cheated on and my jealousy has less to do with trust, more to do with possession. I'd think he's mine and he shouldnt be close to any other females. And he should only find me attractive. Of course when Im calm I know it's unrealistic. But when in that moment, I developed those irrational thoughts. Some posters here insist my gut is telling me he's not trustworthy. well I never think he would cheat on me. Even with this photo thing, I didnt think "he wants to bang her?" I was thinking "why did he move so close to her? Does he like her? They all say guys and girls cant be friends and he must like her then. Im so pissed that he likes another girl besides me. But am I just being jealous and irrational? All my friends say I should let go. I want to hear other people's opinions." That's why I made this thread. I may need to accept the fact that he does like her or else they wouldnt be friends. But also realize the way he likes her is different than the way he likes me and I should be more open minded about this.
Author frus69 Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 However There is a such thing as too open minded though (accepting the unacceptable/looking the other way/being open to any ole thing) If someone is truely happy being extremely open minded, so be it. what's the problem in that lol My said friend does open relationships and he says he benefits a lot from it. So good for him. Im not going to be able to do that but I wont say "he shouldnt do it and it's unacceptable".
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 It may not be enough to end the relationship, but it is still a significant "moment". A small black mark on the slate... Yea I don’t think this is something to break up with him over or to really be necessarily “worried” about concerning frus case specifically but as I stated before feelings of jealousy (just like any other negative feeling) can (not always but sometimes) be indicators that something is truly not okay and to pay attention and not just something wrong with you. Sometimes it is you but sometimes it is a boundary crossing issue. But hey that’s just my two cents. You as in the person who feels the feeling not Elaine
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 If someone is truely happy being extremely open minded, so be it. what's the problem in that lol My said friend does open relationships and he says he benefits a lot from it. So good for him. Im not going to be able to do that but I wont say "he shouldnt do it and it's unacceptable". The problem nor my point is not the person who feels happy to be the way they are. And my statement isn’t even criticism towards your friend. My statement is referring to ways open minded can work against a person I just can’t with this thread lol
amaysngrace Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 They’re his lifelong friends. Are you jealous of his sister too? Because when it all boils down to it, that’s the sort of relationship they share.
Author frus69 Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 They’re his lifelong friends. Are you jealous of his sister too? When I was young, it did happen to me.. When I was young, I also got jealous when my then bf said to me "Megan Fox is hot". Yes that's why I know I am a crazy jealous person lol but hey Im a lot better now.
amaysngrace Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Well you better get over it quick or his friends will be celebrating when he’s no longer dating the whacko who made their friend miserable because she couldn’t get past her jealousy issues.
Author frus69 Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 . Sometimes it is you but sometimes it is a boundary crossing issue. Is posing very close to your opposite sex friends crossing the boundary then? like this close, but imagine just two of them not a group. http://www.comedycentral.co.uk/sites/default/files/styles/image-w-1200-h-600-scale-crop/public/cc_uk/arc/2014/05/27/f8bf5a4f-0745-45e6-b57a-3cc95f1bd3cf.jpg?itok=NkIlGMeb
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