Bf and his female friend

[frus69]

I myself am a one woman man, dedicated and committed to the woman he's with! Unless the woman I'm with wants to bring another woman into the bedroom for a quick fling.

He sounds like you actually. An romantic guy.

 

 

I honestly think your buzzed BF just goofed and grabbed her first without thinking about it when posing for the pic. Let it go unless there's more to it than that.

It was a poor move on his part though. I probably wouldn't be concerned with it unless his friends were getting in the way of the relationship or doing other things that were in very poor taste.

 

Im not sure if he touched her for the pose (like grabbing her waist or something). I just saw him lean towards her closely (to the point of almost face touching), without taking me.

 

Maybe, I should have joined them like the other poster said, not waiting for him to take me? I have not talked to him about it and I have been pretending nothing happened. I suppose I will not ever bring this up and just try to digest it myself and eventually move on.

 

 

On an off note, sometimes I have guys (not BFs) grabbing my waist when taking pics and I always wonder if it's appropriate..

[damni]

If a guy I was seeing had a close bunch of female friends, he would not be for me.

 

I just wouldnt go there. I have heard of so many situations of male/female friends hooking up.

 

In your case, it sounds like a goof but he also wouldnt be getting so close to her so naturally if there wasnt some sexual attraction on his part.

[crispytoast]

If a guy I was seeing had a close bunch of female friends, he would not be for me.

 

I just wouldnt go there. I have heard of so many situations of male/female friends hooking up.

 

In your case, it sounds like a goof but he also wouldnt be getting so close to her so naturally if there wasnt some sexual attraction on his part.

I've heard of businessmen having gay affairs in airport bathrooms, does that mean you'll never let your husband fly alone? What about babysitters, never gonna have a couples night because your man might bone Jennifer while you're in the shower? Hell, coworkers sleep with each other all the time so god forbid he have a job. I mean apparently AIDS came from someone screwing a monkey and I'm at least 62% sure it wasn't Jane Goodall so I'm assuming a man did it. My point is if someone is gonna stray they are gonna stray. I think being suspicious of a partner with opposite gender friends is says more about you than it does about them.

[elaine567]

I think some context is required here.

This may be "nothing" if they are truly just friends or it could be "something" if they have "history" or have ongoing crushes or they are in fact cheating together. It happens.

We can all go, "Its fine", but it may not be, that's the problem.

 

You are new to the group, so you also do not know the group dynamics.

She may be the one they all pander to, the one they need to keep on the right side of. You, as the new gf may not matter so much if they think you are a temporary addition.

He may know she has tendency to jealousy or getting upset or she can be a loose cannon, and hence he was quick to suck up to her...

 

Such "incestuous" groups can be difficult to join without there being a jostling for position. If she is queen bee then you may need to know your place...

 

He prioritised her and then "remembered" about you, maybe it was just him being "clueless", but IME men are not as "clueless" as we can assume them to be, they often know exactly what they are doing...

Be careful. Eyes and ears open.

[elaine567]

I think being suspicious of a partner with opposite gender friends is says more about you than it does about them.

 

It says she is not a fool, relying on blind faith.

Her gut told her something was off here, gut feelings can often be right.

She needs to take note.

 

Some people love established groups like this, others hate them. I think being a "founding" member of a group like this can be a very comfortable place to be, good friends, shared experiences, in jokes, loads in common.

Being the partner of one of the group and being an incomer, an outsider, is not such a comfortable place to be and it is why some will avoid getting involved with people who are ensconced in such groups.

 

Some people just want a one on one relationship, they don't want to "date" a whole group of close friends too.

Some people love the "family" effect of such a group and embrace it and fit right in.

Horses for courses.

[frus69]

I wouldn't call them a incestuous group.. that's kinda harsh. I don't think she's got a queen B attitude either because she's very warm and welcome to me. My bf is also a warm and welcome and very friendly guy btw. So far the dynamic I feel is just "closeness" more than anything to be honest. And they all have their partners, no issue here. But yes, I'm still new,I may not know the whole picture. I don't want to be cynical and assume the worst though. This isnt gossip girl after all lol l.

 

I don't know if the two have history but as far as I know, they are just friends. They each have their own share of partners in the past and break ups and casual flings and they never said they ever hooked up. Sure you can argue they were maybe just hiding it. But I really dont feel like being nosy here..i feel I dont really care what happened in the past. I care about the present only. I honestly don't think they have things going on right now because why date me, and she her bf , if they wanted to be together. Also according to him, they don't hang out alone. It's always a group setting. I have to trust his words.

 

That's why I'm really conflicted when this photo incident happened. It's easy to say " that's shady. Guys arent that clueless. Hes got some attraction going" but its difficult for me to make that conclusion after seeing the friends being really nice to me and having my bf treating me very well, other than that incident. Also he sent me that photo( or else I wouldn't have seen it) with a caption " pretty".Why would he show me that if he was being shady?, and I'm guessing he wasn't complimenting his female friend pretty to me? I sure hope not lol

[frus69]

I know im jealous in nature so I know any guy with female friends is going to make me jealous at some point. no matter they are platonic or not I will probably develop some catastrophic thoughts and start imaging things. So...i actually told him very early on I don't date guys with close female friends to save headaches and I remembered him looking a little surprised and disappointed. He told me he has female friends, but just friends. I decided to give him a chance anyway because he treated me really nice. So i guess I did it to myself now its difficult for me to pull out

 

I do like the idea of a close group of friends. I don't want my relationship to be just one on one. I personally never had the chance to have it myself. I'd love to join them to be honest if they have such an amazing friendship. They travel together, go to events together and everything. And this picture girl said to me " I'm really glad you are in the group. Josh (bf) told us he met you and you are really great and we were all excited and tell him to keep you". Maybe its wishful thinking but I do hope this is just an goofy incident and it doesn't mean anything and I can fit in and become one of them.

[crispytoast]

The babysitter might not be fine either. Or maybe too fine. It happens. Sometimes some walks into the street and they don't see a bus coming and they step out of the way barely at the last moment and slip and fall and choke on their slice of pizza. Sounds ridiculous right?

 

Here's some truth. Sloths can hold their breath underwater longer than dolphins. That's science. Here's some more truth. People who maintain close friendships fare better at relationships. Seeking out that one-on-one is a recipe for codependency. And from an anthropological standpoint, human beings are tribal creatures. We don't get all of our needs met by one individual.

 

Elaine you call the group incestuous like it's some abhorrent thing for adults to have close groups of friends. Maybe its not normal to you but its normal to a lot of people and unless it's a kink or fet group, it's unusual for members of the group to be sleeping with each other. Sure it happens, and it happens between random people at bars, and with the teacher with the sexy blouse at the PTA meeting, and when you stay at a hotel how do you know the person before you didn't jerk off in the quilt? Don't think about that one too hard the next time you're at a Marriott.

 

And you're fabricating this situation where friend is the queen bee and frus's BF is licking her boots. Sure that might be the case but frus didn't say a word about any of that. I've seen more evidence that it was an innocent picture than evidence that he is secretly in love with the almighty partner stealing friend. You dont even know anything about the womans personality. You're grasping at straws here.

 

Honestly if you can't trust your partner to be alone with another person of the opposite gender, you shouldn't be with them because unless you are micromanaging every part of their life, there will be situations where they are alone with people of the opposite gender, whether it be at work, the gym, or a business trip. Unless he's throwing super obvious red flags, I think that worrying about the picture is just unnecessary stress. Nobody likes feeling like their partner doesnt trust them, especially if there's no merit behind it.

[crispytoast]

Damnit frus you beat me to it and said it so much more gently than me Also they sound like a cool group of friends and with that last bit you added I really do think that they want you to be there and the picture is not something to worry about.

[MaleIntuition]

Reality check OP. Your bf will be attracted to other girls. Period. Some of those (assuming he is a nice person) he will also be friendly with. The only thing that’s important is if he chooses to act on said attraction or not.

 

If you can’t deal with the above fact you should seek professional help.

 

Edit: This wasn’t an incident. It was just a party picture.

[damni]

I do like the idea of a close group of friends. I don't want my relationship to be just one on one. I personally never had the chance to have it myself. I'd love to join them to be honest if they have such an amazing friendship. They travel together, go to events together and everything. And this picture girl said to me " I'm really glad you are in the group. Josh (bf) told us he met you and you are really great and we were all excited and tell him to keep you". Maybe its wishful thinking but I do hope this is just an goofy incident and it doesn't mean anything and I can fit in and become one of them.

 

 

Reality check here. You will always be the 'friend girlfriend' they are HIS friends. If you broke up, they would choose him over you.

 

Also you do not know the history of the group, who has hooked up with who etc.

 

I find it interesting you keep saying "She has a boyfriend" its like its only ok because that woman is taken. What if she was single? would you be threatened then? we all get gut feelings for a reasons, yours is telling you something is off with them.

 

Maybe they have history? that is something you have to discuss with your boyfriend. I also find it strange he sent that picture to you with the word "pretty" considering it was a picture of YOU as the outsider beside them. Maybe he is sending an unconscious message to you by that action.

 

I empathise with your concerns as I would feel the same. That type of group friendship would make me feel uncomfortable especially if they were regularly meeting up. But, everyone different and if you can come to terms with the group dynamic then continue.

[damni]

I've heard of businessmen having gay affairs in airport bathrooms, does that mean you'll never let your husband fly alone? What about babysitters, never gonna have a couples night because your man might bone Jennifer while you're in the shower? Hell, coworkers sleep with each other all the time so god forbid he have a job. I mean apparently AIDS came from someone screwing a monkey and I'm at least 62% sure it wasn't Jane Goodall so I'm assuming a man did it. My point is if someone is gonna stray they are gonna stray. I think being suspicious of a partner with opposite gender friends is says more about you than it does about them.

 

Yes you are right, your partner could cheat on you with anyone BUT a friendship can be a bubbling thing for some people and easier to hide behind.

 

My boyfriend has female friends, I never had a problem with them. But there was one woman who he saw regularly who had my guard up, I had a bad feeling about their friendship.

 

We all have intuition and I think its important to listen if we do think a relationship is off.

 

My boyfriend did distance himself from that female friend and like I said, I dont have issues with his other friendships as they seem genuine.

 

I am just saying, if OP has a bad gut feeling then she should listen to it and talk to her boyfriend about it. Telling her she is wrong to feel like she does I dont think is good advice.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a jealous person and I normally dont believe guys and girls can be friends. So what do you guys think about this situation?

 

This is the problem. You don't think men & women can be just friends & you are a jealous person. Your way of thinking does not gel with his lifestyle. It's utterly wrong of you to expect him to change a 7 year friend dynamic to appease your insecurities.

 

The other buddy who suggested the picture knows you are the GF. That is why he suggested you get in the picture. The friend group acknowledges & supports your relationship.

 

You were standoffish & your BF didn't chase. Yes, it would have been better if he went out of his way to include you but men can be clueless. 2 years ago when DH's brother got married, I was excluded from the "family" photo. I was the only in-law present. When the photographer called various people by title -- brother, sister, aunt etc. -- nobody called me -- the sister in law-- & DH never thought to speak up so I just sat that upset that I was excluded but I wasn't about to make a fuss at somebody else's wedding. Even when the friends were brought in, I ended up in the back alone, way far away from DH. The fact that my husband didn't speak up certainly didn't doom our marriage even though my feelings got hurt.

 

If your BF & this girl were going to get together it probably would have happened over the course of the past 7 years. Even if they did hook up way back when, they aren't together now. They made a choice to be friends not lovers. He chose to date you. Focus on that.

 

If you really think she's a threat, befriend her. The Art of War recommends you keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

[frus69]

So to Damni, I know I may always be the friends girlfriend and I may lose them if me and my bf break up. But that's fine. At least when I'm with him I also get to enjoy a group of close friends company. What's not good about it?

 

Regarding their history, I don't give a damn. even if they really were together at some point, feelings fade. as long as he is only attracted to me now, I'm fine. I will have a problem if he is attracted to her now, but I have no way to find out unless I ask him. But I'm not going to ask that petty question. I refuse to show my insecurity and jealousy lol and since he continued being sweet and affectionate to me, I'm going to believe he is attracted to me now and let this one go.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "he is sending an unconscious message to you " and i don't understand why you will be uncomfortable with the group friendship? What's bad about having a group of close friends?

[d0nnivain]

I refuse to show my insecurity and jealousy lol and since he continued being sweet and affectionate to me, I'm going to believe he is attracted to me now and let this one go.

 

Excellent!

 

Good choice.

[Curiousroxy86]

This picture would bother me too

 

I also suspect that many men would not like it if the tables were turned

 

Besides crispy lol. I genuinely believe he would not take issue based on the posts I’ve seen. He seems to be very open minded in general. Rest of the guys claim is no issue I suspect extreme double standard but that’s neither here nor there.

 

I dont believe in platonic friendships simply because the guys who tried to be my friend did not just try to be my friend lol. So my skepticism is very biased I will admit. Platonic friendships normally cause unnecessary problems with whoever you are with regardless if something really isn’t going on so I personally don’t keep male friends. However I do know that men have them. I haven’t yet decided for myself if having female friends is a deal breaker for me in dating. I have gone back and forth on this. So it’s conditional at the moment. If I knew up front he had close female friends I would have passed him by. If I find out in the relationship I would try to accept but if too many “not okay” occurrences I would let him go.

 

So if I were in frus position where this happened I wouldn’t break up with him but I would do one of two things or both

 

A) I would not say anything but I would observe. If more instances of stuff like this or worse? I would just break up.

 

B) I would say something. I would point at the picture and say “am I suppose to be okay with this” and let him say whatever he has to say. No argument. If he express understanding how that would look to a girlfriend and a solution like “Next time I will pull you in close on group photos I wasn’t thinking” or something like that then let that be enough and let it go. If he shows no understanding to how that makes you feel and resort to trying to make you feel bad for your feeling “your just jealous and insecure” yea I would breakup.

 

C) And as far as both go you could just not say anything and observe and if something else happens that doesn’t feel good to you then say something then.

 

But that’s just me

[damni]

So to Damni, I know I may always be the friends girlfriend and I may lose them if me and my bf break up. But that's fine. At least when I'm with him I also get to enjoy a group of close friends company. What's not good about it?

 

Regarding their history, I don't give a damn. even if they really were together at some point, feelings fade. as long as he is only attracted to me now, I'm fine. I will have a problem if he is attracted to her now, but I have no way to find out unless I ask him. But I'm not going to ask that petty question. I refuse to show my insecurity and jealousy lol and since he continued being sweet and affectionate to me, I'm going to believe he is attracted to me now and let this one go.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "he is sending an unconscious message to you " and i don't understand why you will be uncomfortable with the group friendship? What's bad about having a group of close friends?

 

If you are now happy with everything, even that picture then what was the point of your original post?

[preraph]

And that's enough to make me jealous, no matter if it's mutual. Is it just me? Are people generally fine with their partner having attraction for their friends as long as nothing actually happens?

 

Men ALWAYS are attracted to other women. It's a simple truth. There is no man who doesn't look at other women and think they're attractive. Your expectations are very unrealistic.

 

So what matters in a relationship isn't whether they think someone is attractive but their ethics. Whether their ethics are bad enough that they'll attempt to bang every woman they see that they're attracted to on a daily basis or whether their ethics are good in that they understand and WANT commitment to the woman they're with so they can have a deeper relationship and maybe a family someday.

 

To judge ethics, it can take some time, 2 or 3 years. You don't just look at their ethics vis a vis cheating but you look at their overall ethics in daily living:

Do they try to do their best at work, or do they take any opportunity to shortchange their employer by calling in sick when they're not or not taking responsibility for their own actions?

 

Do they treat their friends well and have a mutually helpful circle of friends who try to support each other? Or are they constantly stirring up trouble with their friends or have a one-way relationship benefiting only one party or the other, mooch off them or let them mooch off him, that type thing.

 

When you or someone else is sick, do they do what they can to help you, like offer to take you to the doctor or go to the pharmacy, or do they disappear?

 

Are they taking unfair advantage of their parents or some other relative or friend, such as borrowing money or using them some other way that isn't reciprocal?

 

All these things will give you an understanding of what their ethics are, and if they have good ethics in general, it's because they believe in trying to be a good person, and if they believe in being a good person, that means being above-board in relationships and trying not to hurt someone unnecessarily.

 

Of course, there is nothing unethical if they decide their girlfriend isn't right for them maybe because they are too insecure, but an ethical person would talk about it first, then break up if it wasn't anything that could be fixed soon (insecurity issues run deep and aren't quickly fixed), while an unethical person would simply leave you hanging thinking you're in a committed relationship while they pursued other women.

[rightondude]

Men ALWAYS are attracted to other women. It's a simple truth. There is no man who doesn't look at other women and think they're attractive. Your expectations are very unrealistic.

 

I think both men and women are attracted to people they find attractive. Pursuit is a whole `nother thing.

[Curiousroxy86]

I agree right

 

It goes without saying that your boyfriend or girlfriend will still find other people attractive. It’s what they do with the attraction that’s problematic.

 

I hate when people use this as an excuse for problematic behavior btw.

 

Like if you see someone and think they look gorgeous that’s finding someone attractive. No harm. Heck the person may naturally get a hard on or she may get wet. That’s natural and can’t anything be done about it. But its what you choose to do afterwards where I tend to side eye people (flirting, sliding in their dms, compliments, staring them down in front of your partner). Because your literally acting off the attraction and to me that’s not exactly innocent and it’s playing with fire if your call yourself in a relationship and disrespectful imo and most of the time if the tables were turned the partner wouldn’t like it.

 

Not saying frus bf does this btw

[Gaeta]

The goal here was to take a picture of this girl because she won the game that's why your bf was close to her and not close to you, then he grabbed you to get you closer to 'her' but you didn't get it. He was suppose to showcase her, not you. You were so fixated on him being close to her that you didn't see the big picture.

 

 

 

Men aren't wired the way we are. Men have on average a sexual thought every 7 minutes. They go in a store and the cashier is sexy they have a sexual thought, they walk the street and see a sexy rear they have a sexual thought, one of their female friends bend over and they view a bit of boobs they have a sexual thoughts.....this is not something you can change in ANY man. Asking of your boyfriend to not experience attraction toward other women but you is unrealistic.

 

 

 

Trust him to be a decent man enough to not act on those attractions.

 

 

 

Jealousy comes from possessiveness and control. It has nothing to do with love. When you feel jealous it's you trying to control him. You cannot. If he wants to cheat he will, whether you watch him like an hawk or now. Learn to let go, what will be will be.

[Curiousroxy86]

Feelings of jealousy isn’t wrong imo. I think it’s natural and depending on the context is what makes it problematic or not.

 

People who get cheated on or disrespected have these same feelings of jealousy and I think possessiveness and control is too narrow of a definition.....

 

A lot of times feelings of jealousy can be indicator that something is truly not okay. It can be a reasonable boundary alert. At the same time it can be very unreasonable. Just like anger....

[Gaeta]

Feelings of jealousy isn’t wrong imo. I think it’s natural and depending on the context is what makes it problematic or not.

 

People who get cheated on or disrespected have these same feelings of jealousy and I think possessiveness and control is too narrow of a definition.....

 

A lot of times feelings of jealousy can be indicator that something is truly not okay. It can be a reasonable boundary alert. At the same time it can be very unreasonable. Just like anger....

 

 

Finding your female friend sitting on your boyfriend is a good reasons to feel jealous, being jealous of distance between people in a picture seems overblown jealousy.

 

 

 

I don't like when people assume being jealous is normal after being cheated on. I was cheated on, I was in a 4 year relationship he cheated on me from beginning. Before stepping in another relationship I solved my issues. I don't go through my bf's phone, his pockets, and I am not jealous of his female friends. I don't supervise him, I don't keep tag on him, I sincerely trust him.

[preraph]

I think both men and women are attracted to people they find attractive. Pursuit is a whole `nother thing.

 

I truly don't think it's to the same degree, though. I think women are mostly not turned on by random guys on the street who have a good body and that they mostly (never say all) need to have more emotional connection. I don't feel like most women have to tamp their libidos down to stay out of trouble being attracted to random guys. Sure, you can see a guy who is just very attractive, but I don't think it's usually a temptation to where if they got the chance, they'd take it and jeopardize their own relationship. It can happen and some women may be that way, but I just don't think from having talked to male friends that women have that same visceral reaction to physical attraction that many men do.

 

In other words, unlike guys who see a woman with a good rack and get turned on, I just don't think there's the equivalent for straight women.

[Versacehottie]

One could analyze the bf and the friend to death but the real "problem" and solution is within you, OP. Jealousy is a function of insecurity. If you look at the event that caused you to feel this way, you also were holding back, excluding yourself, i.e. acting insecure about it. I wouldn't expect the bf to fill a void that you can't fill yourself--either in that smaller moment or overall. You need to approach situations that make you feel jealous and insecure with confidence and it will put out the fire of insecurity and jealousy most likely. Anything else, such as worrying about it and analyzing it FEEDING the feelings of jealousy and insecurity.