grays Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 who’s hard to be around because she’s sad about a relationship/breakup for too long or has talked about it too much. I’m sad and lonely and want to be around my friends and want to talk about it/get it out, but I’m avoiding them as much as I can get myself to because I don’t want to be too much. I think where I went wrong was letting the relationship part drag on too long past where it should have naturally ended, which was probably six months ago. In my defense, he was barely in town during that time and kept saying that his work stuff was going to lighten up in a few weeks and then one more thing would happen and it kept being a few more weeks and we’d only get to see each other for a night here and there. I was just getting strung along, hoping that we could figure things out face-to-face rather than over the phone. If only I could have known six months ago that it was gonna work that way... but it always felt like it was only gonna be three more weeks or whatever. So here I am having already been mopey and lonely and talking too much about this for six months, feeling like I’m already depleted and at the end of my rope and starved for attention and affection going into this breakup (which I guess is par for the course, really, but... ugh, if I’d only just had a nice hug recently!)... and I feel like I don’t want to bother anyone with it because I’ve already bothered them so much. I’ve never felt this before about my friends. Even when my 25 year marriage was ending and I was truly devastated (which I am not now — this is sad, but nothing compared), I was still a pretty interesting, engaging and engaged person. Now I just feel pathetic and spent. Maybe it’s just one too many smaller or too long drawn out heartbreaks for me.
Blanco Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 It's a tough spot to be in. I'm a guy, so most of my close friends are also guys, and it can be even worse for stuff like this. Even with more compassionate guy friends, you usually only have a small number of times you can sit down and really talk it over. Have you done any IC? I'm to the point now where I think that friends and family should only get a snapshot of our despair that comes from a relationship ending. It's too heavy otherwise. Instead, talking it out with a non-partial person who is trained to deal with these things seems like a better, more productive path to take.
Author grays Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 I’m sure that’s true about guys, hadn’t thought of that. Maybe every guy should make sure he’s got a couple of female friends to share this stuff with. But even so, it’s probably a good rule to make sure you’re not over-burdening any one person. I do see a therapist and she’s awesome, but I also don’t wanna use all that time just droning on about him. I do think it’s useful to talk about why I feel so stuck, though, spinning my wheels. Hopefully breaking up will be my ticket out of that but I’m a little scared that’s just a segue into a new chapter of the same story. I hope not. Not feeling super positive now, but truthfully I wouldn’t even say the breakup has been quite accomplished, still stuff I’m dreading before I can feel free of it. But maybe I’ll round a corner soon and start thinking about “self-improvement” and “doing me” and that stuff you think about when you get single and have some different focus that’s away from him...
Rayce Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 One strategy I use when I want to just talk about random stuff... I strike up a conversation with a stranger. You would be surprised who will provide a listening ear if given the chance. Maybe someone at a park or a bowling alley or on the bus or standing in line. It seems opportunities to talk about stuff I want too pop up. 1
preraph Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Start with journaling. Do that everyday and write out what you're feeling. I would do that first before talking to friends about anything so that you sort of already have it off your chest. If you devote a certain amount of time to journaling you may stop thinking randomly about it at different times through the day. The next thing I suggest is that it's time for you to just start feeling your time with things you like to do that are distracting so that you are not thinking about it all the time. I realize you may be depressed and not feel like doing them but that's extremely the reason why you need to be doing them anyway. Get out and go to a movie. Go swimming go shopping whatever. Stay busy. Really the best thing for repetitive thoughts is making new memories by doing things.
Author grays Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 I’m having a little better time today. I talked to one of my friends for quite a while on the phone and he only came up for a minute, we mostly talked about her stuff. When I’ve thought about him and felt the obsessive feeling loop starting in my head, I’ve thought “he doesn’t dwell on me like this,” and I’ve managed to pull myself away from it. I think it’s become a bit of a habit and I need to just break it. Preraph, lately all I really have time for is work and kids. That’s not all bad, because I’m not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but it is a little grueling. My kids are great, though, and I’m never tempted to bring him up around them, if course. I’m usually pretty happy when I’m with them. (It’s probably not helping much that the ex-h is making a big push right now to make new him/new g’friend (my old friend he left me for)/my kids into a new happy family unit — I’d normally have them with me now but they’re on a big road trip. Sigh.)
Inspire Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 There is nothing wrong with wanting to vent to your friends, they are part of your support structure. With that said, they too may also be dealing with things and need your support. Be the friend you expect them to be to you. Healing takes time but dwelling is never healthy. You can't move forward if you're standing still. Someone suggested journaling and I like that idea. Writing is a great way to release.
Recommended Posts