2much4 Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 I'm not sure if this belongs in the friendship or dating section, but I'll go along and post it here. I have a guy friend I've known for almost a decade, I used to have a bit of an off and on crush on him... A few months back, after a few drinks, things got a bit ....:love::love: lol.... but at that time I had a lot of bad things going on in my life, and I did not have the mental resources to deal with it and was scared about getting my heart broken on top of it. So I told him I wasn't interested at that time. He was really persistent though and pushed for casual sex, which started to annoy me and basically made me lose interest. Anytime I'd cancel plans (because I knew his intention was to try and hook up) he'd get angry and tell me real friends don't act like that. He's been pretty standofish with me since then, gives me nasty looks and pouts. We talked, and he said if I want to stay friends with him I need to make ammends, invest more time into our friendship and show him I care. To be honest I feel a bit....fed up. I feel like he's acting super entitled and pushy. At the same time we've been friends for a long time and we have the same social circle, which would make things awkward if we were to fall out. Is it still worth trying, or would you give up on the friendship?
stillafool Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 I'd give up the friendship. You aren't attracted enough to hook up with him, he pouts and gets angry so why do you need to engage further with him? It's never a good idea to date within your friend group because these types of situations crop up and make it awkward to hang out together. 2
Rayce Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 Nothing worst than a pushy man... … I am so sorry your having to deal with this. I've had guy friends like that in the past. It's super uncomfortable being around them. In my experience... life is just better without them. 2
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 As soon as they want sex, you are no longer friends and can never be friends again because he will always want to have sex with you. IMO in most cases guys who are in your orbit are just pretending to be your friend so that they can get with you whether it be for sexual or romantic intentions. BTW this guy is manipulative, and a jerk. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. 6
preraph Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 I agree with the others. This has run it's course. He can't be just friends because he's going to keep looking for an opening to approach you for sex. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 I wouldn't bother trying to save this "friendship." That's not what he's truly after, anyway. 2
Author 2much4 Posted June 30, 2019 Author Posted June 30, 2019 BTW this guy is manipulative, and a jerk. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. I do feel manipulated! He's basically blaming it all on me for being a flake and a "bad friend".
preraph Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 Yeah, instead of him having ulterior motives and being an orbiter getting your trust by pretending to be just your friend. 2
Bobbyb82 Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 As soon as they want sex, you are no longer friends and can never be friends again because he will always want to have sex with you. IMO in most cases guys who are in your orbit are just pretending to be your friend so that they can get with you whether it be for sexual or romantic intentions. BTW this guy is manipulative, and a jerk. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. This... It has to be an extremely rare case that a hetero male acts like this and really cares about your friendship. He wants something else...and its not friendship. 1
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 I do feel manipulated! He's basically blaming it all on me for being a flake and a "bad friend". Oh gosh you don't need that bull crap....what a d-bag. Is he one of those guys that claims to be a nice guy and complains nice guys finish last by any chance? 1
Inspire Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Did you two hookup more than that one time and have you two spoken at all about any of these feelings? You should just be honest about your feelings and tell him that you two are ONLY friends and why you've been reluctant to get together. If anything, let this be a lesson. There are dangers when getting involved with people from your inner circle.
Author 2much4 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 Is he one of those guys that claims to be a nice guy and complains nice guys finish last by any chance? Yes. He's a victim and only dates horrible women and isn't ready to tolerate it anymore. 1
Author 2much4 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 Did you two hookup more than that one time and have you two spoken at all about any of these feelings? You should just be honest about your feelings and tell him that you two are ONLY friends and why you've been reluctant to get together. If anything, let this be a lesson. There are dangers when getting involved with people from your inner circle. Yes, we did talk about it. He was pretty clear about it being something "casual" and I was clear about not being interested in hooking up again. After a while I think he got the message, thats when the dirty looks and comments started. The confusing part is he uses us being "friends" for ten years as a justification why I should just accept his behavior.
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Yes. He's a victim and only dates horrible women and isn't ready to tolerate it anymore. This type are not nice , they feel so self entitled. When they don't get their way, the a-hole that they truly are comes out...they lash out at you. They accuse you of leading them on, you are a wh*&^, you did them so wrong, etc. They are total jerks. It was very right of you to back away from him. Cut him off completely. You can let at least the females in your group how much of a jerk he is.....but they probably already know. 1
stillafool Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Is it still worth trying, or would you give up on the friendship? Do you have to ask? Of course end the friendship. 1
ChatroomHero Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 I don't know, while his behavior isn't great, hooking up with him then rejecting him completely when he asks to hook up again can be pretty confusing and I bet you are giving him mixed signals. From what you said: 1. YOU have an on again off again crush on him. I would expect from his perspective one day you show a lot of interest the next day you don't based on YOUR mood. 2. YOU were afraid to get your heart broken, I am guessing he has no idea what is in your head. 3. You hooked up with him and then told him you weren't interested? (But according to #1 that changes back and forth for YOU). Reverse the situation. Let's say you determined he is the one and you fall for him. He fools around with you and in the morning looks you in the eyes and says, "Let's just be friends and hang out and nothing more. Unless my crush for you is on again. Then I will flirt and show interest, but who knows, the next day I might lose interest". That sounds like what you did. You lead him on, he is interested, you acted like FWB at least than probably gave him the old, "I never do that. I don't do FWB" and he is there thinking, "Yes you do, lets do it again". To me it sounds like you led him on and once he got there he wanted to keep hooking up as FWB and YOU changed your mind. I am guessing he is confused. If the situation was reversed, you'd be called a player.
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 So what if they had one night of fooling around....that doesn't entitle him to act like a manipulative jerk and push aggressively for casual sex. She told him no very quickly. He didn't want to listen. No matter how confusing, horny or whatever, no MEANS NO! His course of action should have been disappointment, and then back off.
ChatroomHero Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 So what if they had one night of fooling around....that doesn't entitle him to act like a manipulative jerk and push aggressively for casual sex. She told him no very quickly. He didn't want to listen. No matter how confusing, horny or whatever, no MEANS NO! His course of action should have been disappointment, and then back off. You're way off with the no means no thing. He is not forcing himself on her. So OP said she did not want to have sex going forward in the relationship, after having sex. He is entitled to require it for a relationship going forward. He has as much right to basically say he wants FWB or nothing, as she does saying she doesn't want it. The way you characterize it is dangerous. You make it sound like he is forcing himself on her and getting physically aggressive. Guess what, he has a say in what he is willing to accept as well. To him, no sex, cancelling plans and having a crush one minute and no interest the next, is not acceptable and he is saying no to that. He has every right to want a relationship on his terms as she does on hers. And yes, to think you can sleep with a person and randomly take it off the table and think the other person should just happily accept your flakiness and move on in the friend zone with mixed signals is absurd. I bet if a guy slept with you once or twice and then said, "Hey Smackie. We are not doing that again, but let's be besties!", you wouldn't exactly accept it. So her actions do matter. She defined the relationship as one involving sex when she did the deed. When she redefines it and he p*ssed, that is normal. She is not entitled to him not being p*ssed because she is a tease. According to OP: "He was really persistent though and pushed for casual sex, which started to annoy me and basically made me lose interest." After having casual sex, he stated he wanted it to continue and she took it off the table. He has every right to ask for it or else not hang out. He has every right to define what he wants from her, she can take it or leave it. According to the quote, apparently OP is still hanging around him and not understanding that his NO relationship without sex, means NO. I mean she knows that to stay friends, she needs to put out. She is not entitled to have a relationship with him if that's not what he wants.
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