beentheredonethat77 Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 (edited) I met a guy through some mutual friends a few weeks ago at a large event. We immediately began flirting, had excellent mental and physical chemistry and stayed in contact, he seemed incredibly interested. After a few dinner dates, including many long conversations about our families, hopes dreams, yada yada --- we ended up back at his house and slept together (4th date). Sooner than i would have usually liked (in that it was in a two week period), but i wanted to and i dont regret it in terms of the experience (i had fun, we were safe, so whatever). My only concern (justified im sure) was that it would change the dynamic from courting phase to a hook-up feel. Simply put, i felt he may have put me in a different category now. We had a few more conversations and a few were littered with general statements that were odd to me, and i figured perhaps to 'let me know the score' that he wasn't interested in a relationship, even though he never said this. He said things like "where does a man meet nice women like you in (our town); and, comment like 'i havn't met anybody this trip, rather disappointed about that' (didn't specify women but safe to assume thats what he meant). All joking (ish) .. but you know, many a truth said in jest. Also, when i mentioned my friend had been at a restaurant we were at the other week and i should have introduced her to you as i'd love her to meet you, he said "oh... who you would you introduce me as.? ..".( maybe paranoid i am thinking of introducing him as my boyfriend or something - which is ridiculous, of course, as we only just met). Anyway he was away all last week and texted me a few times to see how i was, hes not a big texter though. I knew he was coming home for weekend but he didn't mention or ask about my plans for the weekend so i went ahead and busied myself with plans with friends. He texted me late Thursday to see what i was doing on Friday or Saturday on weekend -- I let him know this weekend was pretty busy but next weekend we could do something. I ended up calling him Sunday evening spontaneously after a friend had cancelled on me and i was already dressed up, so figured i wouldnt' waste a good hair blow out;) --- anyway, i said id like to catch up over a glass of wine at xyz bar. He seemed so happy to hear from me and immediately said he would change plans he had made so he could meet me. Minutes later, he called me saying he was so tired and 'could i do him a huge favor' and just come to his house and just have a glass of wine and chat and put on this show we had been talking about watching (documentary). I said, i had preferred to meet out but if he is really exhausted, ok then. and i took some soda over for myself as i said i think i'd rather not drink tonight. I also made a joke that any ideas of "netflix and chill' would only be in the literal sense tonight.. no euphemisms. After the little comments about meeting other women, i just wanted to put the breaks on the sex side of things until i had a better grasp on what was going on. Anyway, we had a nice time laughing and he clearly wanted to get intimate and i kept my boundaries up. So here is what im wondering.. Did he say the following simply because he was trying to get sex in the moment.... He said the following: (sorry for TMI details) "you are perfect". "Can i say the sex we had the other week, was without a doubt the most incredible sex ive ever had... i couldn't stop thinking about it on the trip.. it was just mind blowing". "you are so smart...my number one turn on is intelligence, you really challenge me' 'you are beautiful.. stunning, really" .. "can i say you have the best (body part) i have ever seen in my enter life..'.. These VERY extreme absolute comments. Hes not a gushy person, so his compliments were obviously nice to hear. Then, he proceeds to pepper it with comments like one day hes 'wanting someone to have as a companion.. someone to experience life with who he is both physically attractive AND intelligent .. which is so rare" (after just telling me for last hour that i am all of those things). He then tries to get physical -- i stop him and i said, look i just want to clarify that i am not interested in being physical if he isn't interested in a monogamous set up (i just had the gut feeling he likes to have a few women on the go and no committment).. i told him 'i know i did sleep with you previously, but that was probably premature of me/heat of the moment -- as monogamy is important to me' his reply said: 'wait.. you want a relationship".. (with excited look on his face -- ego being stroked perhaps?) then said, "i like my freedom and if i have to be honest, im not emotionally available for a relationship, right now if thats what you're wanting.....but im loving getting to know you --- having sex together while getting to know eachother is important to me, as its bonding'. Ok, so i think i already know what you'll all say -- he just wants sex clearly:) . I'll still throw this out to have my assumption confirmed. Edited June 30, 2019 by beentheredonethat77 1
emeraldgreen Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 Yes, all the stuff he gushed was a bit of a lame seduction technique. He read somewhere that men are turned on by what they see and women by what they hear, so he gave you a lot of stuff to hear. He's loving getting to know you is a nice way of saying "let's keep bonking without any prospect of a relationship, because I just told you I don't want one". 3
divegrl Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 Men can say your hot, beautiful, stunning, the most amazing woman that they’ve ever met AND Still not want a relationship. He is saying very clearly that he is not emotionally available. Please take him at his word and let this one go. Have a beautiful day my friend! 3
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 You already know my friend Cut this punk loose I would have ignored him when he made those statements about where he can find other girls in your town. Yes people multi date but have some damn tact. Even if he or you were multi dating you still show or atleast act like your interested in the person your trying to get to know because that’s the point of dating (atleast for you) is get to know them to see if you want to be with them. He showed he was not on the same page as you with that devaluing statement. Next time don’t tolerate that Good luck 1
Author beentheredonethat77 Posted June 30, 2019 Author Posted June 30, 2019 Thanks LS crew... excellent input as always. Im glad i hugged him goodbye, dodging a kiss and left him standing there (as he put so charmingly 'a semi-chub'). Jumped in a cab, went home to dog, comfy bed, cup of tea and my dignity intact. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 So here is what im wondering.. Did he say the following simply because he was trying to get sex in the moment.... He said the following: (sorry for TMI details) "you are perfect". "Can i say the sex we had the other week, was without a doubt the most incredible sex ive ever had... i couldn't stop thinking about it on the trip.. it was just mind blowing". "you are so smart...my number one turn on is intelligence, you really challenge me' 'you are beautiful.. stunning, really" .. "can i say you have the best (body part) i have ever seen in my enter life..'.. These VERY extreme absolute comments. Hes not a gushy person, so his compliments were obviously nice to hear. Yes, exactly. It's not to say you aren't amazing, but his intention behind the gushing was to get you back in the sack. It wasn't coming from a sincere place of admiration. 1
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 Men will do and say anything to get sex yes....classic case. Just me but this is what I had learned, a man that is interested in commitment usually will go out of his way to impress you with his actions, like brings you flowers, remembers what you have told him, carefully plans dates from listening to you ie: your likes and dislikes, has respectful conversations by not mentioning other women, dating, or bringing up sex, AND the compliments are not over the top. Just softer ones like, you look lovely tonight, or that dress looks great on you, etc. A man that reads your body language when you are ready for that kiss or a night of steamy sex. A man that pays attention to you! 4
Author beentheredonethat77 Posted June 30, 2019 Author Posted June 30, 2019 Yes, exactly. It's not to say you aren't amazing, but his intention behind the gushing was to get you back in the sack. It wasn't coming from a sincere place of admiration. haha actually im really not -- so his agenda to only 'get me back in the sack' is abundantly clear in hindsight. 1
preraph Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 I'm glad he at least told you. This guy is unequivocally just wanting sex and he'll say whatever it takes to get it, but at least he admitted it in the end. He's not even looking for a relationship. That stuff was him trying to get you in bed. Because when push came to shove, he admitted it. 1
elaine567 Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 Words are easy. He can literally tell you anything and if he is good at it, he will monitor your response and ramp it up or down according to the reaction he gets. You actually sussed him out well, by listening to his words and calling him out. When it sounds too good to be true, it usually is... 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 Compliments, like all communication, work on two levels. We get in trouble when we interpret only the first level--and that first level is the words, the statements. The context is more important, far more important ... And this guy said these things after calling you and begging you to come to HIS place, after basically canceling on a date. Those words, if they came after a few smashing dates in which you were not questioning things ... coming after a period of consistent initiative and communication on his part ... those wonderful words would matter then! But in this context ... given his behavior ... the words didn't match his deeds. Always run when the words don't match the deeds. The deeds are the truth. But even his words here were not as strong as you might think. The only words we really want and need to hear from someone we're interested in are ... I want to be with you. I am so happy and I love being with you. I want to be with you. Any other words about what a great person you are, how smart you are, how interesting you are, how good the sex was ... all of that misses the point. You want someone who says ... and whose behavior breathes ... I unabashedly want to be with you. (And then of course, you evaluate to carefully consider whether YOU want to be with them.) 3
DrNo1962 Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 (edited) Regardless of whether he's only looking for sex. Do you not find it problematic that he's overly flattering you after only a handful of dates? That's a HUGE red flag to me. Edited June 30, 2019 by DrNo1962
Inspire Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 "i like my freedom and if i have to be honest, im not emotionally available for a relationship, right now if thats what you're wanting.....but im loving getting to know you --- having sex together while getting to know eachother is important to me, as its bonding'. Clearly, this guy is only into hooking up and will probably tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep that going. At the same time he is trying to cover his bases. He's told you that he isn't ready for a relationship and if ever challenged, he will always come back to that old line of "I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Men can say your hot, beautiful, stunning, the most amazing woman that they’ve ever met AND Still not want a relationship. He is saying very clearly that he is not emotionally available. Please take him at his word and let this one go. Have a beautiful day my friend! Yes to this! I had guys pull that on me and I eventually learned that it is all crap. If you were so amazing, he wouldn't let you go, trust me. Mixed signals=crystal clear "I'm not interested". 1
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