9089 Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Hey all, Longtime thinking about posting this, but it's really on my mind so any advice would be highly appreciated. Here's the deal: Started dating a girl back in the beginning of this year. We met online. Instant connection (as far as you can have that online) a lot of texting, and later video calling. Eventually, she agreed to date me. The first date went great, there was an instant connection. It felt like I had finally met ''The one''. Everything about her was great, beautiful eyes, and the woman I've been searching for so long. I had a lot of bad breakups and bad dates, but this was different. She even paid for us on the date. [side info: she had just gotten out of a 6-month relationship and was 1-month single] On the date she told me she didn't want to rush things, I agreed. Long story short, i 3 weeks time we had 4 dates. We had sex she came to my place, I told her I liked her, it was mutual, though she was afraid to loose me. We talked about past relationships, and I became emotional in front of her. She told me no big deal, but I felt bad about it. It was the first time I felt being able to open up to a girl, she just felt special. The connection was still great.. She did mention that her ex was stalking her. And I had the feeling that she wasn't over him fully, but no rush. Then she went on holiday, and during the holiday she texted me mutliple pictures, to which I replied, then radio silence all of a sudden. -- It made me insecure to not hear from her. It instantly brought back bad memories. The gut feeling inside told me something was wrong. She had a very busy job, and although she was texting me every now and then, I was the one to always initiate contact. She also displayed a lack of interest in my life, but I thought she was just busy. When I asked her out for date 5, she suddenly didn't feel ready. She had a lot of physical stuff going on, and couldn't meet up. It felt like a test. I offered to help her, but she refused, we did end up calling, and I told her I was afraid to lose her. Maybe that was wrong, very wrong.. Days gone by and she did text me how she had been, and to see how I was. After I tried to re-connect with her, but she needed time for herself to find herself back, and I couldn't be in it. She did mention that she liked me. 3 months went by, and the texting got stale. All of a sudden we were in contact again, and texting on and off. She was hot and cold all the time. She always complained about how horrible her ex was, and how I was not. Our birth signs were a perfect match, I'm a Scorpio, she's cancer. I know cancers are hard on opening up, and it felt like she didn't trust me or something Then, all of a sudden she came back to me to have sex. She had met her ex on an event and was totally in tears after seeing him. I kept her company and wiped off her tears good that night.. She communicated that she liked me, and we keep in touch.. When she left, she forgot her jacket, that is still hanging around. Also again our texting got stale and I was the one to initiate all the time. I asked her to come round for drinks, and she was just too busy (ie. always online on WhatsApp) I then told her I was tired of her games and her using me as a backup plan. She didn't know where that came from. I felt like I needed to be honest and opened up how much she meant to me. That she was the woman of my dreams and that I wanted to make it work with her, and give her everything she never had. She didn't respond to it and it has been two months. I also came across her on the dating app again, and noticed she has added another guy to facebook, she recently deleted me from there, and all contact faded. She didn't block me, however... == I feel like I've done wrong. It really hits me every time. Things could have been so great, she was everything I wanted. Maybe I'm stupid but those dates felt like an eternity. I feel used. Maybe I was the rebound, even tho she never said I was. She added love quotes to her socials, and I think she met another guy. I've had so many failure dates and relationships, I wanted to make things right this time, but I felt like I have done everything wrong.. I truly makes me go through pain every single time I think about it. Her cloth is still in my place, I hope she comes back one day and realizes what she has lost... Is there still hope? Or is it over forever.? Thank you so much for any reply!
PegNosePete Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 She was not over her ex and tried to use you to get over him, but it didn't work. In the end she treated you like dirt. Why on earth are you acting like the puppy dog waiting for her to throw you some scraps? Is there still hope for what, exactly? That she will come back and treat you like dirt some more when she feels a bit down, give you false hope, and then ghost you again? Yes, there's a good chance that will happen! Have some self esteem man! Move on!
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 This one is done for good. She wasn't over her ex when she met you, and was evidently wasn't really dating you for the right reasons. Regardless of what you said or did (or didn't say or do), she wasn't on the same page. She doesn't have those feelings for you, unfortunately. That isn't going to change now, especially if she's been dating others and hasn't spoken to you in 2 months. I would definitely advise you pump the brakes in your next relationship, though. Get to really know someone before deciding that she is the one. You hardly knew this one and laid it on pretty thick. Slow it down. Wait and see how compatible you really are, over a longer period of time. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 You got very invested very quickly in a woman who was flashing all sorts of caution flags you ignored. You were a fun ego boost for a short time but she doesn't feel about you the way you feel about her. She probably did like you as a person but you weren't The One for her. She wasn't in a place where she was open to that anyway. You will do yourself a huge favor if you disconnect from her on all platforms. She may come crawling back to you in a few months when she needs another ego boost but she's not gonna stick around. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Someone coming out of a long term realiship usually will say something about taking it slow. Also it could be you aren’t the only one she is seeing and wants to see which one of the 3-5 she is dating is best. She could always go back to the bf and likely did. Nothing you can do.
Author 9089 Posted June 28, 2019 Author Posted June 28, 2019 First of all thank you for the replies. She did mention to me that the fact I didn't text her during those months, made her feel like ''oh whatever''. I basically initiated 80% of the texting while she did 20. Could it be that she wasn't used to dating and that she was old fashion letting the man put in effort? Is it just me? I feel like many girls don't want to invest these days. I'm always the one to initiate contact to any girl. If I don't text, they dont text.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Could it be that she wasn't used to dating and that she was old fashion letting the man put in effort? No. She wasn't over her ex and wants attention to fill the void he left behind. 1
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Relationships need to show progress. 4 dates in 3 weeks = good On holiday then radio silence = bad. That was the point when it really ended. Everything else was pretty meaningless. Never convince yourself that you are somehow "better" than the ex, "He was rotten to the core", "You are her saviour..." it is usually a big mistake. The fact the ex was still prominent in her life was a big red flag. People will curse the ex, tell you the ex is the devil incarnate but the fact they are still so emotional about the ex is the clue, best to just bow out till they get the ex out of their system, otherwise like here, it is YOU that gets hurt... I would bet a sizeable fortune that she will never be back to seriously date you or want to be your gf. Sorry... 1
Marc878 Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 You read too much into this. You were nothing more than a rebound. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Ok, of course i think she could "come back"....for more of the same though:sick: She has treated you like a backup all along. So do i think it's possible THAT pattern would continue? Yes. A real dating-relationship? Not so much. Nothing is impossible of course but you shouldn't hold your breath. What you SHOULD do is make yourself a more attractive person to date. Sorry if that sounds bad but I do mean it in the nicest way. This would help with WHOEVER you come into contact romantically in the future including her. So work on: obviously it never hurts to work on your look, body etc. Putting attention in a positive way onto that for most people increases their self-esteem & i think that's the real gift there apart from the surface one which will help too. Second and importantly because i think you mentioned it 3 times. I can't tell you how UNATTRACTIVE it is on a girl but even more so on a guy: no one gives a f*ck if you been hurt in past relationships. Stop bringing baggage to new relationships. You are presenting yourself as DAMAGED goods. While a girl might be curious and listen to it, even be momentarily into it as it's happening, you will not be able to erase the DAMAGED goods and baggage stuff you just brought to your new relationship. Plus no one owes you to not "hurt" you again because you've processed an old relationship that way. If anything, you have just laid the groundwork to repeat that pattern with the new girl. So don't bring it up, don't mention it. Ultimately you are there on a date with a new girl, so some part of you is the phoenix that rises, stick with that vibe! However entertaining it can be, you cannot be serious with the star signs stuff!!!?!? You have to give that the tiniest grain of entertainment space in your brain and again not mention it in a serious way. I mean if it were true we wouldn't be having this discussion because you would be fated lovers, right? Ok wishing you success with dating but you gotta move past this in more ways than this specific girl. Send the jacket back. Good luck 4
Author 9089 Posted June 28, 2019 Author Posted June 28, 2019 @Versacehottie That was a painfull one to read, but you are absolutely true. That is also my problem. I was never afraid to loose a girl. I was always just going with the flow not thining much, but I have been treated very badly, dumped hard, used, that has left scars. Scars I'm struggling with in any form. That is also where things went going sideways, I felt when I opened up to her, things became different, even tho she never said it. I dated too many. I lost count. I don't know what's normal and what not. The one's that did want to meet me, and I wasn't so into because i was ''busy'' were all over me. This one I was into.. faded. Maybe I should stop dating for a while? 1
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 I guess the ones you were into, had other options, other guys liked them too. The ones you weren't into were "desperate"... That is how it tends to work, it is not your fault. I also agree with Versace. As well as presenting yourself as damaged goods... Women want to feel special, they want their man to be besotted, they want him to be into her and no-one else. She wants to be seen as sexy and someone he adores. He only has eyes for her... They therefore do not want to see their man blubbering over his previous relationships and lost loves. That does not make her feel special... 1
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Well you can't be afraid to lose a girl because acting like you will be fine is one of the best ways to actually hook someone on you. Otherwise you will come off and act desperate. Plus a couple of dates in is too soon anyway to truly care or be gutted if something fails--that points more to your own self-worth than what is actually going on in the relationship. Yup, the baggage again. I think if you think of it like "scars" you might need a break. The majority of the guys I know don't think like this--actually either do the majority of girls. It kind of leaves you to be primed for a toxic, dysfunctional relationship or to be the cause of one! My feeling is the first thing you need to do, regardless if you are simultaneously dating, is to "shore yourself up". You need to change your belief system as you see yourself as a dater. From what you wrote here, it sounds like it's only about dating so I don't know but it could be in general, your whole self-esteem and confidence. TBH, it would make the most sense that it is related/connected to overall self-esteem because the dating part doesn't happen in a bubble. Don't worry if this sounds like a huge overhaul or that you have to take yourself out of the game for a very long time--that's not the case. You need an internal reset and then can be trying the "stuff" you've worked on internally out in the real world with interactions with others. There is no better way. From what you wrote here, my guess is your biggest problem is how you CHARACTERIZE what has happened to you. So you then bring yourself to the next interaction, next date, next potential relationship BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN THINKING, as kind of broken bird and hoping the other person doesn't figure you out. Guessing you probably cling on a lot too tightly and don't have too much of your own thing going on (or only do it to seem busy but it's really just a time filler) and that you might be a little possessive. Ok I hope that you work a little on yourself. I personally think it's bad to go over "what are your past relationships" on dates. Immediately you are adding another dimension and can of worms that never needed to be open. Instead of the relationship just being between two people, it's now between several/past memories, baggage. Some people think they are getting "real" and "deep" with all this but you can do that by asking a person and talking about your dreams, your fears etc, other deep stuff. It's unrealistic sometimes to say nothing but a factual or basic sentence is a demonstration to the other person that you have left your ex's in the past and it's just history. It in itself, depending on how you convey it, can show that you are strong, open and ready...or not. Good luck 2
preraph Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 It sounds like even though she is saying her ex is stalking her, which he probably is, she likes the attention and drama. She probably finds you too easy. That's not a bad thing. It just means she's chaotic and you're not. You will have to find someone who isn't thriving on negative things in her life and rejecting the good things. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Is it just me? I feel like many girls don't want to invest these days. I'm always the one to initiate contact to any girl. If I don't text, they dont text. Many women do expect the men to put in a great deal of effort in the beginning. Some think if you are not blowing up their phone you aren't interested. At some point if you feel that you are not being made to feel important in the relationship, ask for some reassurance. Say something like how much you would like it if they texted more.
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Not something you want to hear but, if you are having to chase someone, struggle to get their attention, and can't get answers, you are simply wasting your time. You can't force or make someone want to be with you. Guess you get way too attached too fast, and when they pull away, you get clingy and push to get them back. 5
preraph Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 It's kind of tradition for a lot of women to let the guy set the pace at first so she doesn't seem overly eager, which often translates to overly easy, or the guy doesn't take her for granted. It's not so much playing hard to get at all as long as she's responding positively as it is just knowing how a lot of guys run from a woman who clearly wants to get serious too soon. And that's a valid reason. A lot of guys are easily spooked if they start feeling pressure.
PRW Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Not something you want to hear but, if you are having to chase someone, struggle to get their attention, and can't get answers, you are simply wasting your time. I was at an event a while back and I spent the night with one of the guys I was there with instead of driving back that night. We had some good talks about the circle of people we are both around (he has his "finger on the pulse" better than I). It was shocking to learn how hedonistic many were when so many of them seemed "sweet and innocent" on the surface. Most of the stories weren't any kind of "relationships",...it was mostly all of a "casual" or FWB type of stuff. It makes me wonder if just one of them got an STD how the whole circle of people might be infected in a week or two. Then to think this was only what this one guy knew about. Logically there would be even more going on beyond what he knew about. And we aren't talking about college kids, I'd expect that from them,...this was middle age educated "professional" people in their 40's, & 50's. Granted he could have been exaggerating or making stuff up but I'm not blind myself and comparing what he said with my own observations that were now starting to make more sense,...I think he was being pretty straight with me. I went home the next morning feeling kind of depressed just knowing all that was going on even if I wasn't personally effected due to me being more conservative in how I approach things. So all that to say,...if someone is sluggish about giving another the attention and response they would like to get, it could mean that the person "wanting more" isn't the "only one",...there might be 1, 2, 5, or 10 other competitors. And if they did get the attention they wanted,...they might catch something from that attention. 1
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 And we aren't talking about college kids, I'd expect that from them,...this was middle age educated "professional" people in their 40's, & 50's. Granted he could have been exaggerating or making stuff up but I'm not blind myself and comparing what he said with my own observations that were now starting to make more sense,...I think he was being pretty straight with me.. It is no coincidence the STIs are rife in the older generation. Sex sex sex and they see no need for condoms as they rarely used them anyway and no-one is getting pregnant (too old)... 1
Author 9089 Posted June 29, 2019 Author Posted June 29, 2019 Thanks everyone for their input! I just found out she is in a relationship with a guy she had been dating for the past 2 months. There was nothing wrong with her, it was all a lie. For someone who likes honesty she wasn't very honest. That hurts me even more, I feel like being open to her and honest, I truly messed up. I'm a succesfull business guy and good looking, the guy she is dating now is not.. I feel really used. She basically discared me like trash, and I had never imagined this would happen coming from her
TheFinalWord Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Sorry brother. Here's the truth...and it's kinda rough... This is a classic case of seeking validation aka neediness. Trusting someone too soon, and making the mistake of making yourself vulnerable to someone that hasn't shown she's worthy of opening up to in that way. That put you in friend zone. Her girlfriends are the ones she can talk to about her terrible exes, not her current lover. It's feminine behavior. If you are doing most of the texting/she acts barely interested, you have to back way off. NOT tell her she's the girl of your dreams. She knows she's treating you like crap and your response is to tell her, you're her dream girl. Yeah she lied, but that's what women do when they're not interested. It's their way of trying to let you down easy. It's ingrained in their subconscious because men are a perceived physical threat. We've all been there so try not to beat yourself up. But now you have to move on. There's no way you can take a girl back that's gone to another guy after you. You have to now mentally cut her off and move forward. Don't take her back and don't analyze her online behaviors. I know it's almost addicting to keep checking, but I'm telling you if you don't stop looking at her social media, you'll never be able to decouple from her mentally. Plus, she isn't a dream girl. She's hot. Big deal. That's just her genetics. It doesn't tell you anything about her as a person and now you've seen how she is... Try to find a new goal or something you can pursue to move forward and get back out there and date. Good luck bro! 2
elaine567 Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 . I'm a succesfull business guy and good looking, the guy she is dating now is not.. Truth is some women are not looking for successful business men, some are looking for guys they can look after or "save", guys she may see as "a project". Successful business man can = workaholic and some women do not want to go there. Some women want to be #1 in the relationship, they do not want to be #2 to a guy with "everything going for him", some avoid good looking guys as they do not want to be fending off other women trying to steal him... Some just basically want a guy who fits into her family, a guy similar to her father, brother, uncles etc... It is why the daughters of short, chubby, bald men with the gift of the gab, tend to marry short, chubby, bald men with the gift of the gab... he just feels right to her. Its complicated, just because you are good looking and a successful business man, means nothing if that is not what SHE is looking for... Next time, next girl - do not project YOUR feelings onto her. She may be your dream girl, but do not assume she feels the same unless you get super positive feedback and some concrete proof of her true interest in you.
The Outlaw Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 If she came back, I'd close the door. Tell her to get lost. If you're the one that always initiates, it's one sided, and she really doesn't care about you. You were just a means to an end to her, that's it. Trust me, I know. I was in the same situation a five years ago in August/September. I felt exactly as you do now, and after awhile came to realize that she just wasn't worth it. Anyone that can use you as a rebound, ego boost, to make someone else jealous or whatever isn't EVER, and I do mean EVER, worth it in the end. Have some respect for yourself because she doesn't have any for you. You didn't do anything wrong at all so don't think like that way. If she feels guilty about it at all, that's what she wants you to believe because it would make it easier on her. It's best to brush her off and move on because she isn't any good for you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Its complicated, just because you are good looking and a successful business man, means nothing if that is not what SHE is looking for... Exactly this. Attraction is so subjective, OP, and it goes beyond someone's physical appearance or outward trappings of success. What attracts one person might repel the next. I am curious to know how you found out she's been in a relationship with him for the last 2 months, though, and how you know anything about his lack of success.
Versacehottie Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Do you think/know she really lied? Or are you just interpreting it this way? I think she probably had her heart with that guy and it either wasn't defined for them yet, i.e. not exclusive (you guys weren't exclusive either so she was within her rights really) or they were back and forth or maybe even just starting around the same time as you guys. It does make sense that's why she was treating you like a backup all along--which isn't horrible it's just how it happens sometimes. Again, I would reiterate that you need to CHARACTERIZE this "event" in a way that bolsters your self-esteem, avoids the theme and storyline you have consistently been playing in your head from being burned, scarred and f*cked over. I thnk you are editorializing with "she lied, etc, treated me like trash" and taking it to the extreme there. Her behavior all along was of someone who was dating others and heart was with someone else which isn't abnormal when you are first dating, multi dating and just a handful of dates in as you were. You are blowing it out of proportion. Just take it this way (quote i've read a few times over the last few days/has been circling on IG, which i will butcher but here goes): In life either take the win or the LESSON. That's the quote, loosely. I would add that which LESSON you take (since you didn't get the straightforward "win') is equally important. The one you detailed with your update is completely the wrong one and perpetuates the story that you tell yourself that puts you in a disadvanteagous position with your dating life. It's great that you are good looking, career successful--you need the inside part to be working a bit better though to take you to the finish line IMO though. Keep posting & good luck 2
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