littleblackheart Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 But in reality that's not sustainable long term. I think some couples do work long term even when fuelled on attraction alone - I don't know how they do it (I imagine it's a constant emotional roller coaster) but I've seen it happen. Relationship dynamics work in mysterious ways sometimes... 1
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 30, 2019 Author Posted June 30, 2019 @Tamfana I guess I just don't find it necessary to say it, in fact think it would generally be detrimental. That's something that from the male perspective is easier to communicate in person. I think most women would respect a man wanting to take it slow, even if the woman were looking for something physical. But would find it hard to trust it if a man listed in their profile and would be more likely to write him off (as can be evidenced by a lot of the responses in this thread). I agree on the premise of a man showing better than he can tell me
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 30, 2019 Author Posted June 30, 2019 Wow, 5 pages on this. FWIW, I'm in the camp that thinks the guy meant essentially that he wants to take it slow. In the best case scenario, that would mean he's serious about getting into a long term R, rather than just screwing around. If that's right, his use of "friends" is clearly problematic as apparently a significant portion of folks are inclined to take it literally or read a lot into it. In the unlikely but possible event I'm ever in the dating pool again I'll be quite careful with any use of the "F word" (friends). That’s the funny thing about dating. We have our own “rule book” and interpretations and can totally write off somebody because we think one way when the other person meant another.... I am conscious of this and try to be open as comfortable (not possible ) but even I am unapologetically black and white about things *shrugs*
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 30, 2019 Author Posted June 30, 2019 I think some couples do work long term even when fuelled on attraction alone - I don't know how they do it (I imagine it's a constant emotional roller coaster) but I've seen it happen. Relationship dynamics work in mysterious ways sometimes... I think couples who have the same main agenda they are committed to for their own benefits even if it has zero to do with committing to each other can endure for a long time Think narcissistic power couples. The goal could be status, image, wealth, legacy..... But it can be ugly indeed behind closed doors (drama, infidelity, cold, uncaring....) 1
littleblackheart Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 (edited) Think narcissistic power couples. The goal could be status, image, wealth, legacy..... But it can be ugly indeed behind closed doors (drama, infidelity, cold, uncaring....) Totally. Completely shallow relationships. Sometimes one-sided when one person is into the attraction only, the other isn't; that's how toxic relationships are born. Edited June 30, 2019 by littleblackheart 1
salparadise Posted June 30, 2019 Posted June 30, 2019 (edited) I don’t think a guy looks at a girl and thinks immediately I want to get to know her most of the time. Some guys maybe. I do think he thinks “she’s hot/fine (or insert whatever phrase to mean he is attracted).” and because he is attracted theeeeeeen he wants to get to know her...for his own agenda. Whether that’s just ego boost, sex, spend time with a female, or something more like a relationship (which is my agenda ultimately with the right guy). I think that's a good assessment. Sexual attraction (with emphasis on sexual) is what generates initial interest. Then, if she responds positively to initial attention, the dance begins. He'll probably tell her that she's an intriguing person, whether he believes it or not, because it's just smart to say that rather than "let's bang first and then I'll decide if I like you." But the reality is that it's up to the woman to demonstrate (through interactions and/or credentials) that she's got the depth for relationship-girlfriend-marriage potential. At some point he will be convinced (or not) that she's got a lot more going for her than a pretty face. I do unapologetically believe that a guy who wants to get to know me will pursue/date/contact. Yes, but it's not unconditional, at least for a guy who has been around the block a time or two. We have to constantly reassess what's being reciprocated. We know from experience that some women will entice you with their wiles, tempt you to taste the fruit, then turn right around and break your heart in a million pieces. So a smart guy doesn't go all-in blindly. It's a complicated dance isn't it? What exactly is the problem again lol? Well, OPs guy gave her the female words "friends first" and we're discussing what that might mean, which naturally leads to the question of what women mean by it. Then I said that "wants to get to know me" is essentially the same –– in a word, nonreciprocal. Edited June 30, 2019 by salparadise
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 Yes, but it's not unconditional, at least for a guy who has been around the block a time or two. We have to constantly reassess what's being reciprocated. We know from experience that some women will entice you with their wiles, tempt you to taste the fruit, then turn right around and break your heart in a million pieces. So a smart guy doesn't go all-in blindly. It's a complicated dance isn't it? Then I said that "wants to get to know me" is essentially the same –– in a word, nonreciprocal. I don’t think the dance is complicated at all nor do I see differences where you point them out. Yes it’s different that most of the time guys are expected to pursue but women should reciprocate interest. If she doesn’t then the guy should just can her. Just like we should can guys who don’t show up. Both men and women have to constantly reassess “efforts” less they get screwed without lube know what I mean? They both have to take responsibility on choosing wisely and to continue to choose wisely and at the same time be decent dater/partners. If anything is complicated is our own interpretations that sometimes doesn’t mean what we think it means. Also our own feelings can blind us to red flags or blind us to what’s good for us depending. And the “want to get to know me” imo is reciprocal. Yes many of us women require that a man tries to get to know us first (pursuit) and theeeeen we are inclined to get to know him. Because let’s face it if we don’t then we would just get ran through by many men without them really getting to know us or pursue a relationship with us and that just sucks. So to ensure that we don’t get pumped and dumped as you men affectionately like to put it we require a guy to show that he is into us and want to get to know us so we can feel safe to want to continue to see him, talk to him, date him, have sex with him, be in a relationship with with him which would includes *gasp* “getting to know him”.
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