littleblackheart Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 I read it literally as In a relationship, I value the friendship element above simple physical attraction, so mutual attraction / values is not enough for me to pursue a relationship. If I said that to someone, it doesn't mean sex is off the table; it just means I don't care how compatible we are, this won't last unless we are friends (ie I don't want a fling with you). But yes, probably simpler to ask him what he means. 1
salparadise Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 ^^^ But that’s the same as dating and not getting intimate until you’re exclusive. Plenty of people are doing that. But you left out whether you also want to get to know him before becoming exclusive. Also, I don’t see why he’s supposed to take you out on dates if you’re just platonic friends first. Right. It implies a unidirectional pseudo-relationhship with a guy being pre-sold, meanwhile, she enjoys being wined and dined on his dime, and lavished with attention until she decides if she likes him... or one of the others, or none. She doesn't know who or what she wants beyond being lavished with attention. There is no other-focus, it's all about scratching her itch to be pursued. A man who would knowingly go for this is a doormat. It's a waste of time to give your focus and resources to a woman who doesn't reciprocate. I matched on Bumble a year ago with a woman I really liked. We went out twice and both were fantastic dates from my perspective, and her's too taking her at her word. She could've strung me along so easily, but she didn't because she operates at a higher level of consciousness. She sent me the nicest "you're wonderful, but" letter I've ever seen... totally respectful, honest, and unpretentious. She made it a point to acknowledge MY feelings and value. This is the difference... the cliché phrases we're discussing indicate the opposite –– lack of awareness, consciousness, and other focus.
salparadise Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 If I said that to someone, it doesn't mean sex is off the table; it just means I don't care how compatible we are, this won't last unless we are friends (ie I don't want a fling with you). Romance and friendship are different categories. Yes, there is a feeling of fondness and affection within a good romantic relationship that can feel something like a friendship, but it exists within and is contingent upon the romance. How durable is the "friendship" going to be when romance ends? I have female friends, and I don't try to bang them. And they don't think that romance is an extension of friendship. It's different. I had to let one go recently because she developed romantic feelings. It was like night and day the way her demeanor and reactions changed. I was like WTF is going on with her? Then she confessed and it all made sense.
littleblackheart Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 (edited) I know what you mean. I like clear boundaries too - I don't have any sexual attraction towards my male friends. But a partner is everything - to me, he should be a friend above everything else. I can't all of sudden develop feelings for a friend but I can't it take further if the guy isn't a friend too, despite attraction. I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well; I hope you get the gist Edited June 29, 2019 by littleblackheart
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 29, 2019 Author Posted June 29, 2019 ^^^ But that’s the same as dating and not getting intimate until you’re exclusive. Plenty of people are doing that. But you left out whether you also want to get to know him before becoming exclusive. Also, I don’t see why he’s supposed to take you out on dates if you’re just platonic friends first. yes thats exactly what it is from my standpoint and preference....its plain ole dating I dont know what the platonic friends first thing is coming from? I never said I am looking for a platonic friend. I may be misunderstanding your comments. but yeah I date because I genuinely want to be in a relationship with the right person...im not looking for a "friend"...a boyfriend yes eventually but not a "friend" and yes if we are dating I want to get to know the guy I am attracted to. it is the reason I wont jump into a relationship after first meeting him...because I dont know if he is genuine, I dont know if we are compatible....so that is the point of dating is to get to know the guy that seems appealing and is showing interest in me to see if a relationship will come of it
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 29, 2019 Author Posted June 29, 2019 keyword of what I wrote is a man that "WANTS" to do the things I mentioned people you guys are doing whats in your best interest just like women should do whats in hers
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 To me it means Mr. Joblow is emotionally unavailable. Did you ask him how long he's been single? When I was dating I would always reply to that comment that I was looking for a boyfriend, not a friend. If I wanted to be a little smart@ss I'd reply 'please be advice I don't sleep with my friends'. That usually made them go poof. Depends what type of dater you are Curious. When I was online I was ready for a boyfriend, I had been single for many years, I had been around the block and my goal was clear it was to find a meaningful romantic relationship and I had no time to waste playing 'friends first'. I left that to the recently single and undecided. If you're new on the dating market maybe it's a more comfortable way for you to get back out there.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 It means "I don't want to commit" and is a red flag. Also, to men friend and FWB are often used interchangeably. 2
littleblackheart Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 So maybe those who use this line and mean to say they value friendship in a relationship (who wouldn't...) should say 'I need to be friends as well as lovers', because apparently anything else is too ambiguous? Maybe it's just a semantics issue and these things can easily be ironed out in person since it means different things to different people. 1
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Isn't it implied that if you're a romantic couple you are friends at the base? 2
Versacehottie Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 I'm so confused when did the theme of this discussion turn onto what women often say to men with the "friends first" discussion, when in fact, in this case it is the guy that said it to the OP?!??! Wayyyyy too much semantics dissection going on here. Spelling things out via wording will never made what happens in reality different than it is. That's why a person needs to pay attention to that part and advocate for themselves & keep their eyes open. People with less than honorable intentions or who don't really know what they want will say and word things conveniently--as well as people who spell it out wording perfectly and have good intentions but then change their minds because they aren't feeling it with you once they "get to know you". Words really mean very little. To me, it's all basic fair play. It's not a contract that a person can make or spell out in advance. You need to experience it.
JuneL Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 I dont know what the platonic friends first thing is coming from? I never said I am looking for a platonic friend. I may be misunderstanding your comments. Since you statements developed from the “friends first” expression, I just assumed those were different ways of saying the same thing.
littleblackheart Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Isn't it implied that if you're a romantic couple you are friends at the base? Not for everyone. There are some couples who base their relationship on chemistry / attraction alone. It's a preference thing, I guess. As far the OP, relationships are so much simpler in person, when you know what the person means instead of misinterpreting or speculating on what they may or may not mean.
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Not for everyone. There are some couples who base their relationship on chemistry / attraction alone. It's a preference thing, I guess. But in reality that's not sustainable long term. I mean I am not advocating 'friends first', boyfriend and I were not friends first, attraction and compatibility played in our favor but along the way, while romancing each other we became friends. If something happens to me I will run to him, he shares with me his fears and dreams, we support and help each other - we laugh and cry together - that's the friendship part of our relationship. You don't have to place a special order for friendship, it will grow naturally within a romantic relationship. 1
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 29, 2019 Author Posted June 29, 2019 This is a similar phrase that I find irritating as well. Do women actually think that men will take on look at their pic and find her so alluring that they say, "oh wow, I'd really like to get to know her"? Again, the expectation being that a man should court, pursue, invest heavily in "getting to know her," while she plays coy. Kind of lol I don’t think a guy looks at a girl and thinks immediately I want to get to know her most of the time. Some guys maybe. I do think he thinks “she’s hot/fine (or insert whatever phrase to mean he is attracted).” and because he is attracted theeeeeeen he wants to get to know her...for his own agenda. Whether that’s just ego boost, sex, spend time with a female, or something more like a relationship (which is my agenda ultimately with the right guy). I do unapologetically believe that a guy who wants to get to know me will pursue/date/contact... What exactly is the problem again lol?
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 29, 2019 Author Posted June 29, 2019 To me it means Mr. Joblow is emotionally unavailable. Did you ask him how long he's been single? When I was dating I would always reply to that comment that I was looking for a boyfriend, not a friend. If I wanted to be a little smart@ss I'd reply 'please be advice I don't sleep with my friends'. That usually made them go poof. Depends what type of dater you are Curious. When I was online I was ready for a boyfriend, I had been single for many years, I had been around the block and my goal was clear it was to find a meaningful romantic relationship and I had no time to waste playing 'friends first'. I left that to the recently single and undecided. If you're new on the dating market maybe it's a more comfortable way for you to get back out there. Nah I am not looking for a friend. I don’t keep male friends personally because a) I have enough friendship type of love from my actual friend and family b) all of the men who have tried to just be my friend and I attempted to consider it because I wasn’t interested romantically tried to be romantic anyway or secretly had romantic feelings that they later admit or tried to have sex lol. They had their own agenda that’s wasnt truly about being just friends. So the idea of platonic friendships For me I am skeptical of So for me in dating I want a boyfriend who will eventually become my husband. That’s friend, lover, partner all in one. So I look at a guys actions towards me to determine if I want to invest my time or if it’s a waste of my time. I too have responded in the past when I heard this before “I have enough “friends”. I am looking for a relationship” For the most part I’m not too much of a stickler for choice of words in dating because certain words mean very different things. But some things I am black and white about. “Not wanting a relationship” or “not looking for something serious” is one of those I’m like byeeeee. I use to think looking for a friend was in that realm but as I got older I feel like people use that term very loosely and it may not mean what I am inclined to think which is why I have the mindset of looking at actions over time in conjunction to his words...... 1
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 29, 2019 Author Posted June 29, 2019 Since you statements developed from the “friends first” expression, I just assumed those were different ways of saying the same thing. When I attempted to open my mind to what “friends first” meant away from anything negative....I wondered if for some people it did mean the same thing as just plain old dating. Like how I call guys I date “suitors”...well people who use the friends first phrase in context of dating may just mean the same thing when they use the word “friend”. If that’s what this guy and anybody else who says it means..then yes June I agree it means the same thing Because the person you are getting acquainted with in dating technically doesn’t have the title of boyfriend and girlfriend....well saying “friend” could be a quick name instead of “the person I am dating/getting to know/talking to/courting It’s just that word can imply too many different things hence why I asked what it means to you guys in the first place to pick your brains as I always love to do when I create a thread
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 29, 2019 Author Posted June 29, 2019 As far the OP, relationships are so much simpler in person, when you know what the person means instead of misinterpreting or speculating on what they may or may not mean. Op agrees hence why Op said time and actions will reveal all and not exactly worried about what this particular man meant Imo attraction/chemistry AND friendship is important and required... friendship imo is built over time though... I would think its unwise to call everybody a true “friend” including the men I date/wants to date me
JuneL Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Anyway, I hope you get some clarification from him and share with us. Someone wrote recently that the guy meeting up with her for dinner gave her this “friends first” crap just to make sure she knew they’re going dutch
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 29, 2019 Author Posted June 29, 2019 Anyway, I hope you get some clarification from him and share with us. Someone wrote recently that the guy meeting up with her for dinner gave her this “friends first” crap just to make sure she knew they’re going dutch Lol do you have the link? I would love to see that discussion He actually did reply to my cheeky response He said “friend as in my better half”
crispytoast Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 I always felt like "friends first" in a woman's profile is her way of saying don't come at her with crude sexual energy, she wants to be wooed. They're still using OLD so in general I'm assuming they aren't looking to for friends first, they're just filtering out the dumber fboys who take everything they read at face value. I agree that a man saying "friends first" is generally saying this because it's what they think the "friends first" women want to hear. They want to get laid all the same but aren't confident enough in their game. 2
Tamfana Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Or it could just mean he doesn't want to have sex until he has established a friendship, a nonsexual connection first, you know, maybe even to find out if the potential partner is an assh**e or psycho before having sex with them. Anyone who interprets those words in such a way as to find some flaw, sickness or nefarious intent shouldn't date anyone who says things like that. (Leave them for the rest of us. )
crispytoast Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 (edited) @Tamfana I guess I just don't find it necessary to say it, in fact think it would generally be detrimental. That's something that from the male perspective is easier to communicate in person. I think most women would respect a man wanting to take it slow, even if the woman were looking for something physical. But would find it hard to trust it if a man listed in their profile and would be more likely to write him off (as can be evidenced by a lot of the responses in this thread). Edited June 29, 2019 by crispytoast
mark clemson Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Wow, 5 pages on this. FWIW, I'm in the camp that thinks the guy meant essentially that he wants to take it slow. In the best case scenario, that would mean he's serious about getting into a long term R, rather than just screwing around. If that's right, his use of "friends" is clearly problematic as apparently a significant portion of folks are inclined to take it literally or read a lot into it. In the unlikely but possible event I'm ever in the dating pool again I'll be quite careful with any use of the "F word" (friends).
rightondude Posted June 29, 2019 Posted June 29, 2019 no telling what he means by that statement. It could just be something he thinks sounds good and non-threatening to women. Maybe that's his approach. Maybe he is just out of a relationship and is looking to approach this one differently. Maybe he's just really crappy at the bio part and this is the best he's got. Best not to read too much into a bio; some great women I've met had a lame (or no) bio but in person they're awesome. 1
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