I’m looking for a friend first

[thefooloftheyear]

My guess is he probably went on dates where women were looking to lock him down too quickly....That, and the fact that he has kids and doesn't want a woman to dominate his life at this stage...

 

TFY

[FMW]

Maybe I'm thinking too literally, but friendship is developed over time, not over a few meet ups with someone who was previously a stranger.

 

I don't think friends first usually works because if there is any real romantic/sexual interest it's going to come out early on and most adults aren't going to wait around and be friends without acting on it.

[salparadise]

He sounds high maintenance and is a waste of your time. I thought only certain women would pull this “friends first” crap.

 

^^^ I agree.

 

It's a reticent woman's mantra, ambiguous, an instant next. Of course no one can know precisely what he's thinking, but my intuition is that he's seen it on enough women's profiles that he thinks it will sound good and score points. It sounds desperate to me, like a lonely guy who has no sex drive.

 

When women use it I presume it to mean that she's extremely reticent, emotionally closed off, with zero interest in a physical pleasures. She's looking for a one-way deal... a man to court and pursue while she feigns demure and holds him at arms length, probably seeking multiple orbiters to join her little game.

 

I interpret it to mean "nothing here for me" and move along to find someone who knows how to spell the word "reciprocal." If you detect a note of cynicism and annoyance, you'd be correct.

 

I think you should ask him if he likes to wear women's underwear... or would he be willing to let you peg him.

Edited June 28, 2019 by salparadise

[Tamfana]

He wants to wait to have sex until after he knows that there’s a foundation of friendship, enjoying each other in a nonsexual way. I'd say it's a plus. There are both men and women who are done with the boring and sometimes kind of tragic "screw first, think later" pattern in OLD.

[chillii]

There were many women on a date site l was on that said that exact thing right there on their pages.

l always took it as , well provided she sounded ok, as a caution thing get to know each other a little bit first and just not wanting to jump into anything anymore.

Talking women later 40s.

lf he's a decent guy l'd take that same way , most guys l know aren't rushing into anything.

lf he's not who knows, bit more talking will tell you more though.

[Curiousroxy86]

Maybe I'm thinking too literally, but friendship is developed over time, not over a few meet ups with someone who was previously a stranger.

 

I don't think friends first usually works because if there is any real romantic/sexual interest it's going to come out early on and most adults aren't going to wait around and be friends without acting on it.

 

that is the proper mind set to look at friendship and what a friend really means...

 

unfortunately we do use the word too loosely

[Curiousroxy86]

 

 

When women use it I presume it to mean that she's extremely reticent, emotionally closed off, with zero interest in a physical pleasures. She's looking for a one-way deal... a man to court and pursue while she feigns demure and holds him at arms length, probably seeking multiple orbiters to join her little game.

 

that is a big observation from such a small phrase...

 

what would you rather hear from a woman to describe what she is looking for I wonder?

 

and again not challenging your opinion. just curious.

 

do you have the same visceral reaction to "looking to get to know a guy and see where it goes"? What about something a bit more direct.. "looking for something serious"?

[Orokotikki]

My best relationships we were with women I was platonic friends with (not FWB) first.

 

Anyway, you might look up "love styles".

 

This varies from person to person, for some people this matters for long term relationship, also if they are a responsible parent then they probably want to see how well someone can gel with the kids before bothering to get into a 'serious' relationship.

[Versacehottie]

Lol, well i'm curious to see how this plays out. I don't know if there is enough information yet to make a good guess because i think it depends on the guy. Let's assume he means "friends first" genuinely:

 

a) If he's a player type or doesn't see you as relationship material or doesn't himself want to be in a relationship at the moment, then he means it to keep things as FWB only & can justify it to himself and whomever he dates with that conditional wording. I guess you should be curious about when his last serious relationship was or when he split up with the mother of his kid.

 

b) He is a little bit desperate and confused and has come up with this line because he thinks it's non-threatening to women and is what they want to hear. Probably an over thinker or over-complicator if this is the case. It's a bit wishy washy to come up with what you think women want to hear rather than to just be yourself and have some actual game.

 

c) He could be the type who either got himself into one of these "situations" before or repeatedly does and feels burned by the situations, the last girl who pressured him for a relationship or doesn't realize it's the way he goes about it that keeps getting him into these situations--he thinks wording things like this will get him out of these messes or buy him time. You might know the type: the one that is in a de-facto relationship of his OWN doing but when the girl asks him where things are going, he is non-committal. Proceed with caution if this is him. Or his last dating thing was pushy and he feels uber cautious, doesn't want to over promise.

 

d) He could mean it genuinely and truly approach things in this way, no baggage, no bait and switch tactics. I would say it is a little odd to say that on a dating site which is not for finding "friends". Makes me think he's not ready for a relationship or doesn't want one but likes female companionship, affection etc which is a little disingenuous considering the venue. But if he does mean it genuinely and does approach things this way 100% well it does match with what guys tend to think about serious relationships (in all venues). Statistically polled (can't remember where I saw this) but guys would prefer to date casually with no expectations and should the right "one" come along they are open to being serious vs "looking for a serious relationship". There's a difference that a lot of women don't have the same approach. I actually agree with guys on this--i mean how can you want a serious relationship with someone, unless it is the right one to want one with? Given the venue though in which you've met this guy, I think you need to be cautious as to his intentions. You're smart about dating, I doubt you would have any problem figuring it out. I think you should proceed and see what you learn.

[JuneL]

My best relationships we were with women I was platonic friends with (not FWB) first.

 

 

But did you meet them online though? If she has an active profile online, I’m not sure how this is gonna work out. She’ll keep getting asked out by guys online and going on dates while maintaining a platonic friendship with you.

 

The women that I knew of doing this pretty much expect the guy to treat her like a girlfriend (and would get mad when he goes on a date with another woman) and yet she has absolutely no obligations to him.

[X1 anti]

Soooo a guy messaged me talking about he is interested. I say “tell me about yourself” and in his response he includes his name, age, the fact that he is a father, and then says “I am looking for a friend first”

 

Curious minds want to know....

 

What do YOU think “I am looking for a friend first ” really means/normally means when a guy says it?

 

A) Does this mean friend with benefits aka F buddy?

 

B) An actual friend aka the friend zone

 

C) Girlfriend

 

D) A or B can potentially become C

 

E) none of the above

 

IMO it means the guy is clueless. Such a strange thing to say to a woman you’re interested in. He can show that he’s interested simply by asking you out. Every relationship/first date starts off as friendship with the potential of it involving into a romantic relationship

[PegNosePete]

what would you rather hear from a woman to describe what she is looking for I wonder?

"I am looking for a relationship".

 

That sums it up really. No need to mince words. If she says friends first I would instantly press NEXT because I am looking for a relationship.

[Curiousroxy86]

My best relationships we were with women I was platonic friends with (not FWB) first.

 

Anyway, you might look up "love styles".

 

hmmm so far what im reading on it seems very interesting indeed.....

[Lotsgoingon]

The ironic thing about "friends first" is that screening for friendship--finding someone who like, admire, trust and can have fun with outside of romance--is part and parcel of building a serious relationship.

 

Which is why you want to give relationships time ... to see how this other person is when you're sick ... when they're sick ... when your mother is ill ... when your mother dies .. when you're having a tough time at work.

 

Interesting that these qualities (romance and friendship) are so separate in this guy's way of thinking. Any romance with staying power definitely needs friendship.

[Curiousroxy86]

Statistically polled (can't remember where I saw this) but guys would prefer to date casually with no expectations and should the right "one" come along they are open to being serious vs "looking for a serious relationship". There's a difference that a lot of women don't have the same approach. I actually agree with guys on this--i mean how can you want a serious relationship with someone, unless it is the right one to want one with?

 

yea I believe that statistic and am in full agreement with you. I feel like its wise to detach from the outcome. I too have adopted the same mindset as as that statistic describes what guys do...partially. im not by any means looking to "hookup". I am not big on sex before exclusvity but im all about getting to know a guy first and then see where it goes and see if we want to and "should" (lol) be in an exclusive relationship together

[JuneL]

yea I believe that statistic and am in full agreement with you. I feel like its wise to detach from the outcome. I too have adopted the same mindset as as that statistic describes what guys do...partially. im not by any means looking to "hookup". I am not big on sex before exclusvity but im all about getting to know a guy first and then see where it goes and see if we want to and "should" (lol) be in an exclusive relationship together

 

But don’t relationships proceed this way anyway? Nobody is telling him to become exclusive on date one. By being platonic friends first, does it mean he will go always dutch when he goes out with her?

[Curiousroxy86]

But did you meet them online though? If she has an active profile online, I’m not sure how this is gonna work out. She’ll keep getting asked out by guys online and going on dates while maintaining a platonic friendship with you.

 

The women that I knew of doing this pretty much expect the guy to treat her like a girlfriend (and would get mad when he goes on a date with another woman) and yet she has absolutely no obligations to him.

 

I would think for that to work they both would have to be okay with multi dating....

 

unless its more of a courtship type friendship where they are focused on each other but still "friends" I guess before an exclusive boyfriend girlfriend romantic relationship

[Versacehottie]

I'm going to guess that when any guy says that he will mean that he plans to be slow on the emotionally-romantic component or time commitment expectations and be more open on the physical side of things--regardless of his reasons for saying it. And women would be the opposite as things usually go. This dilemma effectively is a good percentage of the questions on this site or misunderstandings that arise because of differing interpretations and/or expectations.

[salparadise]

what would you rather hear from a woman to describe what she is looking for I wonder?

 

and again not challenging your opinion. just curious.

 

do you have the same visceral reaction to "looking to get to know a guy and see where it goes"? What about something a bit more direct.. "looking for something serious"?

 

Yes, I would prefer they say what they mean and not play word games. No, I don't have the same reaction to your example phrases because they do not obfuscate the intention.

 

I dislike the transmutation of the word "friend." When they use that phrase they're not looking for a friend, they want to be courted with no reciprocation.

 

I just saw a profile where she said, "not wanting to jump head first into a relationship, but not looking for a hookup either." That's so much better, no ambiguation. The word friend implies that it's not dating, which defies logic on a dating site profile.

 

I also think it reveals an attitude of entitlement in that she's expecting to receive a certain kind of male attention, and he should consider it a privilege to entertain her with no expectation.

[Shining One]

what would you rather hear from a woman to describe what she is looking for I wonder?

What she said: I want to be friends first.

 

What I wished she had said: I want you to take me out on dates, provide me with emotional support, and do various other boyfriend tasks of my choosing for an undetermined period of time. My legs will be closed to you during this time, but I'm free to part them for other men at my whim, despite what I told you about never getting physical early. I'm under no obligation to do any girlfriend tasks for you.

What about something a bit more direct.. "looking for something serious"?

This isn't direct. See what I said above for an example of direct.

[Curiousroxy86]

Hmmmmmm Shining That’s fair

 

How about..

 

“I want a man I am attracted to who wants to take me out on dates because not only is he attracted to me but he genuinely wants to get to know me and eventually like me and actually want to be in a long term relationship with me that is healthy, loving and would lead to marriage....instead of just having sex with me and him still pegging other women if he wants with no relationship in sight and worse finding out he is horrifyingly incompatibile. And yes I would require a man to show me that before I feel safe enough to enter into an actual relationship with him just like he would have to come to that decision on his own about me. And yes that would mean I can date other people just like he can date other people until we come to that decision that we want to be in an exclusive relationship together. And theeeeen I would be willing to enjoy a sexual relationship within exclusivity because that’s what I want and ultimately I would want a man who wants that with me. And if that’s not you? That’s fine, no hard feelings, and good luck”.

 

Is that more direct?

 

Now I’m even more curious what exactly do you say to a woman concerning what your looking for?

 

“listen honestly I just want to F. if I like you enough to pursue a relationship I will let you know. Know that I will F whoever I want while I come to this decision. Know that I ultimately may not even choose to be with you after all that F’in we did. And know that I will continue to F who I want even if we are in a relationship (if your into poly. If not disregard that particular statement)) and if you have a problem with that sweetheart then I am not the guy for you, no hard feelings, and good luck”.

 

You know what shining? That actually would really be helpful to us women too if a lot of men were also truly direct about their dating agenda

[Shining One]

Is that more direct?

Yes, that's certainly more direct.

Now I’m even more curious what exactly do you say to a woman concerning what your looking for?

While I'm not that explicit, I do tell a woman what I'm looking for. If I'm looking for a relationship, I tell her that. If I'm not looking for a relationship (my current state), I'll tell any woman that approaches me that I'm not looking for a relationship. I'd never tell a woman I want to be friends first in order to get the relationship benefits I want while denying her relationship benefits I don't want to give.

That actually would really be helpful to us women too if a lot of men were also truly direct about their dating agenda

I agree that both men and woman are less than virtuous in this area and I do wish both would be more direct.

 

Friends first is a bit of a sore spot for me. For me, it basically translates to: Court me like a potential girlfriend, but I'll just treat you like a friend, except worse than your actual female friends treat you.

[chillii]

My first thoughts reading the first post was pretty simple. He's a dad , divorced, he simply wants to take it slow and be careful to start , for him and his kids.

Anyway , next time your talking just ask him what he means.

[salparadise]

What I wished she had said: I want you to take me out on dates, provide me with emotional support, and do various other boyfriend tasks of my choosing for an undetermined period of time. My legs will be closed to you during this time, but I'm free to part them for other men at my whim, despite what I told you about never getting physical early. I'm under no obligation to do any girlfriend tasks for you.

 

^^^ Yup, that's pretty much it, and the reason men should just say, "no thanks, I'm looking to date, and hopefully a nice relationship. So, good luck with that."

 

"wants to get to know me"

 

This is a similar phrase that I find irritating as well. Do women actually think that men will take on look at their pic and find her so alluring that they say, "oh wow, I'd really like to get to know her"? Again, the expectation being that a man should court, pursue, invest heavily in "getting to know her," while she plays coy.

 

Here's what a less ambiguous woman said this week, "Ooooook... if you think I'm attractive, I think we could have some fun!" She then gave me her number and address, and it's a date. Yea, this is the opposite intent, but really attractive in that there's no ambiguity or game playing. She's the same type as me, INTJ. So refreshing to know not all women are so reticent that they can't communicate effectively.

[JuneL]

“I want a man I am attracted to who wants to take me out on dates because not only is he attracted to me but he genuinely wants to get to know me and eventually like me and actually want to be in a long term relationship with me that is healthy, loving and would lead to marriage....instead of just having sex with me and him still pegging other women if he wants with no relationship in sight and worse finding out he is horrifyingly incompatibile. And yes I would require a man to show me that before I feel safe enough to enter into an actual relationship with him just like he would have to come to that decision on his own about me. And yes that would mean I can date other people just like he can date other people until we come to that decision that we want to be in an exclusive relationship together. And theeeeen I would be willing to enjoy a sexual relationship within exclusivity because that’s what I want and ultimately I would want a man who wants that with me. And if that’s not you? That’s fine, no hard feelings, and good luck.”

 

^^^ But that’s the same as dating and not getting intimate until you’re exclusive. Plenty of people are doing that. But you left out whether you also want to get to know him before becoming exclusive. Also, I don’t see why he’s supposed to take you out on dates if you’re just platonic friends first.