Curiousroxy86 Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 Soooo a guy messaged me talking about he is interested. I say “tell me about yourself” and in his response he includes his name, age, the fact that he is a father, and then says “I am looking for a friend first” Curious minds want to know.... What do YOU think “I am looking for a friend first ” really means/normally means when a guy says it? A) Does this mean friend with benefits aka F buddy? B) An actual friend aka the friend zone C) Girlfriend D) A or B can potentially become C E) none of the above
emeraldgreen Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 I think it means he's an idiot who doesn't know how to talk to women. Regardless of intention, that's a dumb thing to say. What girl wants to feel like she's on a list? A list of what? Some guy with a god complex looking to pick someone from the list to date? 1
alphamale Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 F) I am looking for someone to take care of me and my kid(s) 1
crispytoast Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 @emeraldgreen Where did you get a list from? @roxy To me it says that he wants to make sure what kind of person you are before he decides whether he's looking for FWB or a relationship, or anything at all with you. He has a kid and is cautious because having girlfriends come in and out of the kids life can be difficult on a child. 2
Foxhall Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Id guess it could well be B to start with moving to A and C perhaps, some guys can actually need some timeout from dating and sex but they still want the person to have a yap with and so on and if they want to talk deeper they will prefer to do this with a woman than another bloke, maybe he is actually looking for someone serious too, or more correctly a carer as alpha puts it there, and wants to see will you fit the bill in that regard. OP- I think you took up his comments as unusual but I dont think they are that unusual really when you think about it, usually the girl that wants to take things slowly but the guy this time- fair enough.
olivetree Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 If his profile seems like he's looking for something real/not casual, I would assume he wants to move slowly from friendship to a relationship, with the mindset that the best relationships have a solid friendship-base.
kendahke Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 (edited) He's checking for compatibility before emotionally investing. Wise tack. That takes a period of observation and being in each other's company. If he's +50, there is that element of him looking for someone to get through the old years with. No shade... mature love is the best love. Edited June 28, 2019 by kendahke 1
FMW Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 I don't know what he means, but something about it sets off my radar, and not in a good way. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 When you have kids..they come first. Friends first means I want to get along with a person and take this slower.if someone just getting out of a long relationship usually take new relationships slower to develop because of wanting to learn how to ride.
emeraldgreen Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 @emeraldgreen Where did you get a list from? @roxy To me it says that he wants to make sure what kind of person you are before he decides whether he's looking for FWB or a relationship, or anything at all with you. He has a kid and is cautious because having girlfriends come in and out of the kids life can be difficult on a child. Haha f*ck! That will teach me to read with one eye closed over my first coffee of the day. Friend first = gay or Ned Flanders.
basil67 Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Given the different ideas here, there's really no way to predict what he means. If I were you, I'd ask what "friends first" means and what it would look like. 1
The Outlaw Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 No real way of knowing what he means by 'friend first' but it would send most packing. But likely he just wants to take it slow first and see if he feels a relationship is worth the risk. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Did you ask him to send a link to the meaning of his phrase. My answer: E Here's my guess. He has a bad people picker ... and somehow dated, perhaps married, a woman (or women) with whom he had some sexual chemistry only to later learn that these women had little capacity for friendship. So he's "correcting" ... and perhaps doing some "over-correcting." 3
surferchic Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 E- He wants to date but he’s trying to sound all wholesome and platonic-like. Instead, he’s sounding all confusing-like. He’s probably a nice guy who just doesn’t realize how he comes across. Be his friend and see what he has to offer. Be ready to run for the hills if he doesn’t initiate dates or if he tries banging you on the first or second date... all “friendly-like.” Now I’m curious to find out what he’s all about. 1
SmartDude Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 E) none of the above. Without more details its hard to say much. My blind guess is that he actually wants to get to know you. He has never tried the 'friends first' approach and doesn't know that this does not work. But he really wants to spend time with you in any way possible.. 1
crispytoast Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 Haha f*ck! That will teach me to read with one eye closed over my first coffee of the day. Friend first = gay or Ned Flanders. He wants to diddly your doodly but he noodly-needs you to know the Lord always comes first
PegNosePete Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 He wants to date but he’s trying to sound all wholesome and platonic-like. Instead, he’s sounding all confusing-like. He’s probably a nice guy who just doesn’t realize how he comes across. Yes, that would be my guess too. He probably read it in a lot of women's profiles and thinks that's what women want to hear. 3
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 28, 2019 Author Posted June 28, 2019 OP- I think you took up his comments as unusual but I dont think they are that unusual really when you think about it, its not unusual to me. I heard the phrase a few times before. I just felt like it was interesting enough to hear everybody s opinions
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 28, 2019 Author Posted June 28, 2019 If he's +50, there is that element of him looking for someone to get through the old years with. No shade... mature love is the best love. assuming the person is actual mature
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 28, 2019 Author Posted June 28, 2019 Given the different ideas here, there's really no way to predict what he means. If I were you, I'd ask what "friends first" means and what it would look like. didnt ask. didnt really care to hear his answer on what he meant. his actions overall will tell me what he really meant lol. plus he isnt significant enough of a suitor yet if at all. I did respond to what he said "hmmmm friends could mean so many different things..." just to be cheeky. I have also heard many people say it before in dating or random people talking about dating. the only reason I am asking the forum is because I felt like it was an interesting topic of discussion and what other people think it means. 1
Author Curiousroxy86 Posted June 28, 2019 Author Posted June 28, 2019 He has never tried the 'friends first' approach and doesn't know that this does not work. But he really wants to spend time with you in any way possible.. why do you believe "friends first" doesnt work? and im asking out of pure curiosity and not challenging your view btw
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 E. None of the above. He's somebody that uses language imprecisely. I want a "friend first" is a concept left over from childhood. In HS the 1st person you date is somebody you have probably grown up with. You have known them "forever". You have classes with them. You know their family. You have background. None of that is true when you meet somebody as an adult especially though OLD. What people fail to realize is that a date -- those few hours you spend alone talking to the new person -- is the forum through which you get to know them. People freak out & put all sorts of unnecessary pressure on themselves over that word I'm hoping his statement is that he wants to take things slow, not get too emotionally invested in the 1st week, build a foundation of trust & respect that can lead to a lasting romantic relationship & that the foundation must be present before he introduces his children to the new SO but in reality it could mean any of the things in your multiple choice Q. You will have ask him. 2
JuneL Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 He sounds high maintenance and is a waste of your time. I thought only certain women would pull this “friends first” crap.
PegNosePete Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 why do you believe "friends first" doesnt work? Because while he's being your friend, you're still on the site or going to bars, being chatted up by other guys who are more confident and straightforward in their approach. You might even talk to him about them, or look through profiles together... that's what friends do, isn't it? I've certainly done that with my friends. Chances are you'll end up dating some other guy, maybe even someone he picked out or approved for you! Whilst your "friend" becomes an orbiter, and then resentful and bitter. "Friends first" sounds like a sensible plan and romanticised story in movies etc but in real life it very rarely works out. The friend zone is the worst place to be so it's a really bad tactic to place yourself right there from the start! 1
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