What do you think of my boyfriend?

[damni]

4. He has this big thing about planning and so when I do something outside of what's scheduled it irks him. We get to the grocery store and I tell him I'm going to get some things too. He gets annoyed because it's not part of the plan. We were only there to get tge things on his list. I call my kid to ask if she wants any thing and he gets annoyed because he thinks shes going to ask for a ton of stuff and says that she's overweight and is concerned because he doesn't think i know how to budget (my money).

 

What you have said and this particular bit makes me think he is on the scale for autism. It can be extremely hard to live with someone who has to stick to rigid plans and thinks everything he does is 'right'.

 

Imagine having a baby with this man, it would be an utter nightmare. I dont see any long term potential in this relationship, you are wasting your time.

 

Also as a mother, it would be a deal breaker to have a man moan about my daughter and let her see a man dictate to me about how he is 'right' and how I am always doing things 'wrong'. Set an example to your child.

[damni]

Looking at OP posting history, this is the same boyfriend who has called her "fat" etc. OP also has a dysfunction relationship with her teenage daughter where she babies her. OP you have extremely low self esteem and you need therapy.

 

You have a teenage daughter and her role model is YOU. She is seeing you cater to men and let them disrespect you. I have seen your post about your daughter before and you said she has mental health issues and does not like your partner.

 

I am surprised no social workers are involved in your case as you have an dysfunctional relationship with your daughter (bathing her, dressing her, co-dependant relationship) and this will have a sever impact into her development into an adult.

 

You should make a referral to Social Services and get therapy for yourself to determine why you stay in unsuitable romantic relationships and to unpick your relationship with your daughter to enhance her independence.

[dispatch3d]

These all seem quite normal to me with how you wrote them, although five in one posts seems like a lot....

[Curiousroxy86]

for those who think this is "normal" and that he is not a bad guy I am really curious as to why you think so

[The Outlaw]

He sounds too controlling for anybody to really be comfortable with. He may genuinely care about you, but you need to lay down your own ground rules. If he can't accept that, move on. Being chastised for every little thing you do that he doesn't like isn't a way to live.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think he's a "bad" guy. I do think he has issues. One of his issues is that he doesn't like technology around food & he's got other food safety issues about where food gets prepared & packaged. He got upset when she brought the laptop in the kitchen. I'm not gonna fault him for that. I'd classify that as one of those idiosyncrasies that we put up with in people we love.

 

One of my EX cleaned everything -- the whole house -- with bath towels. I thought that was odd. He told me that is the way his mom cleaned. His mom stayed with us & asked me why her son cleaned everything with bath towels. Still that nutty behavior was not worth breaking up over.

 

The guy's compulsive need to adhere to a fixed schedule about everything & his instance that everything be done his way is inflexible to say the least & probably closer to controlling but it still doesn't make him bad, which I am equating with evil or intentionally mean. He's just rigid.

[Redhead14]

He's just rigid.

 

 

Rigid translates to controlling . . . she's going to feel smothered and like she's under a microscope most of the time. It will get very old.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Looking at OP posting history, this is the same boyfriend who has called her "fat" etc. OP also has a dysfunction relationship with her teenage daughter where she babies her. OP you have extremely low self esteem and you need therapy.

 

You have a teenage daughter and her role model is YOU. She is seeing you cater to men and let them disrespect you. I have seen your post about your daughter before and you said she has mental health issues and does not like your partner.

 

I am surprised no social workers are involved in your case as you have an dysfunctional relationship with your daughter (bathing her, dressing her, co-dependant relationship) and this will have a sever impact into her development into an adult.

 

You should make a referral to Social Services and get therapy for yourself to determine why you stay in unsuitable romantic relationships and to unpick your relationship with your daughter to enhance her independence.

 

Thank you I've already made a therapy appointment for myself. Yes this is the same guy. Yes my teen doesn't like him but he keeps his distance. They do not see each other. My daughter doesn't spend anytime with us so she doesn't see our relationship unfold.

 

For the longest time I thought that I was being a caring mother by helping and even spoiling my daughter at times. I see how I've failed. I see how her life has been affected. I don't think it's too late to make sure she's heading into the right direction. I've been toughening up. I've been letting her do more things on her. My boyfriend is very wise. He has read the whole relationship between my daughter and I and my parenting. He says that I've created it. He gives the truth and is very opinionated.

 

She can cook and clean, bathe and dress herself but she just doesn't want to. She takes a very long time to do things so I just do them for her and from there it's become a habit. I cater more to my daughter than to my boyfriend and I'm seeing how this is manifesting in her relationships outside of the home. She acts very childlike and does strange things. I want more, better for her.

 

As for my boyfriend I don't know but I will be spending less time with him (once a week) as I work with my daughter and myself. I don't know if we'll last. I'm sure I'll make another post if we do break up.

[Curiousroxy86]

Rigid translates to controlling . . . she's going to feel smothered and like she's under a microscope most of the time. It will get very old.

 

yea im thinking abusive...not necessarily physically but emotionally. not something she needs to overlook imo

 

and emotional abuse if your not careful can be such a sneaky thing because you think well he is not cheating, he is not hitting me, the outside looks good, most of the time he is sweet....and then you start making excuses for things thats really not okay and just gets worse and worse the more you try to deal

[d0nnivain]

See I think some people are ascribing intentional conduct to this guy. I'm not entirely sure he knowingly does these things, as in has a great deal of control to stop the behaviors / change. I suspect he's just so OCD or something that he doesn't realize what a negative impact his fastidious has on others around him. It would be nice if he dialed it back, to the extent he can.

 

I would not like to be on the receiving end of his issues but I am not comfortable calling them abusive.

[damni]

*She can cook and clean, bathe and dress herself but she just doesn't want to. She takes a very long time to do things so I just do them for her and from there it's become a habit.*

 

This needs to stop. It doesn't matter if she takes a long time to dress, wash herself etc. She is old enough to be doing these things herself and she has the right to do them at whatever speed she likes.

 

She most likely manipulating you by making you feel you have to help her, but it seems you are aware of this and it is an issue.

 

It is good you are encouraging more independence with your daughter but I feel you should stop completely with the washing and dressing.

 

If she refuses, let her. What is the worse that can happen? She doesn't get dressed, okay. It sounds like mental health services are already involved and can provide support.

 

It must be hard to maintain a healthy romantic relationship when your relationship with your daughter is so complicated and demanding.

 

It good you be seeing a therapist and seems you need support in putting in boundaries with your daughter and maybe even your partner.

 

I am sure there is more history to this story but I hope you continue in the future with your strength and boundaries for both relationships.

[dispatch3d]

I guess I'll reply again since you asked. I'll try to address all 5 or 6 things, but its a lot in a single post .

 

Below are things that happened on the day my boyfriend and I were hanging out. Can you read this and tell me what you think?

 

1. Boyfriend made me dinner. He brought it to his bedroom where I was. I ate then later proceeded to take some from the pot and put it in a baggie to bring home. He sees me about to do this and comes over and says STOP! You're making a bad decision to do this on the computer table near the computer! He takes care of it and gets me a to go plate. His tone just cut right through me and I was going to tear up but instead I told him to go handle it.

 

]

 

 

Food around the computer can be a no-go for some people. Makes the keys quite dirty.

 

 

2. We go to the grocery store and I have my bag of things with me (hair products, wallet, sweater, lunch in a container). He turns to me and asks what's all of that. He asks is it a normal thing to do to bring all of this stuff with me to the grocery store. He thinks there's something wrong in my brain because of this, I told him I just like to be prepared.I will admit I can be a bit of a bag lady but I just had one plastic bag.

 

You definitely seem quirky bringing a bag into the grocery store like that. I can see why he mentioned it. The "wrong in the brain" comment is off base though, shouldn't really be addressing the problem like that.

 

 

3. I decided to eat my lunch quickly before we went grocery shopping he said he'd wait until I finished. I finished and put the empty container in my bike basket. He didn't like this (there was sauce in it), he said why not wash it out. I said I didn't feel like going back into the house to do that. He thought it was gross and abnormal to do.

 

 

I would have done the same as you, idk he's being bossy here I think.

 

4. He has this big thing about planning and so when I do something outside of what's scheduled it irks him. We get to the grocery store and I tell him I'm going to get some things too. He gets annoyed because it's not part of the plan. We were only there to get tge things on his list. I call my kid to ask if she wants any thing and he gets annoyed because he thinks shes going to ask for a ton of stuff and says that she's overweight and is concerned because he doesn't think i know how to budget (my money).

 

I used to go to the store every other day or every day and he thinks this is wrong because i should do shopping once a month, with a list.

 

 

With women I really like scheduling things and don't appreciate changes in my schedule either. I don't think I'm alone in that either (as far as guys go). I realize he is being "rigid" I guess with not being more flexible with plans, but I more think of myself as dependable rather than rigid about things...

 

5. I help him with an online application for something. He's preparing food in the kitchen, he had set me up in the dining room. I had a meeting to attend in 30 mins and so had to move quickly. I take the laptop to the kitchen to ask him the remaining questions. He sees me and says in an annoyed tone to bring it in there (the dining room) I tell him it's easier to do it where he is.

 

Yeah food around the laptop again, seems to be a common theme for him.

 

#1. Was what happened right before I left for the night and I talked to him telling him how I felt about this. I was upset. We had a pretty nice day and when he rsised his voice it upset me. He calls and sincerely apologizes, tells me he loves me and wants the best for us etc... says he wants the best for me.

 

In short I do love him. He is a kind, caring man and treats me very well. I feel he can be a little bit picky but i try not to let that overshadow him. Sometimes I think what if I dated someone different who didn't nitpick and get annoyed, someone who just let me be without question but at the same time I so under stand his intentions.

 

No matter our disagreements we always talk it out. I never do anything that I don't want to do.

.

 

IDK what to tell you about "nitpicking". My parents comment on other stuff they do all the time, its all in the delivery I guess.

[Mrin]

OP: two things I see here.

 

1. Not going to spend much time on this because it is a well beaten dead horse: your boyfriend is one of the following - particular, controlling, prickly, a prick, bad guy, or a borderline aspie. Not sure which one but we can all agree that is more in the "has very specific opinions on how something should be done and voices them" personality bucket.

 

2. The other thing that I haven't seen anyone touch on but wanted to make sure you thought about is that it is really clear that you have "people pleaser" personality trait. Let me say there is nothing wrong with being a people pleaser. It is not a reflection on you in terms of you being good/bad or strong/weak. You are just very attuned to someone else's displeasure. When your BF voices his objection to how you are doing something you take it as his displeasure. And, since you're a people pleaser, you see that as a big problem that needs to be fixed. It is a big deal for you. That's just who you are.

 

Now don't go trying to change yourself from being a people pleaser. It is like asking a leopard to change his spots. But do look into your people pleasing nature, how to become more aware of it and ways to handle your instinctual reactions. And, how to talk about your personality trait with your BF or your next BF. I guarantee you, he has understanding of the impact his words have.

 

So, with that being said, I put to you that as a people pleasure it is really hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who is very hard to please. What you might have here is just a personality mismatch pure and simple. And while you might love him to pieces, it might just not be a good fit.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[Lotsgoingon]

He's a neat freak and you're a bit sloppy. He's always gonna pick at you and you're always gonna take it personally.

 

I actually know many super neat people who aren't judgmental and controlling when they're with someone, or at the place of someone, who isn't so neat. He's not just a neat freak--he's controlling and intrusive about being a neat freak.

[emeraldgreen]

Not making excuses for the guy, but when you're a stickler for being neat, on time, having a plan and you date someone the opposite, it seems to amplify those traits. There are certain areas in which dating our opposite is not only healthy but advantageous. This isn't one of them.

[mrs rubble]

I'd be most concerned with his 'overweight' and 'fat' comments, and trying to tell you how to feed your daughter. These sorts of comments and controlling behaviour (over food) can lead to eating disorders.

I'm sure you don't need that as well!!

[Gaeta]

OP: How would you feel if a boy told your daughter something is wrong in her brain, I bet you wouldn't want her to be around a boy that denigrates her, if it's not a behavior you want around your kid why is it a behavior you're accepting toward yourself?

 

You're laid-back and he's uptight, you don't belong together. You have 0 future with this man so why drag it? Love isn't enough, it will not sustain long term an incompatible couple.

[preraph]

One of my EX cleaned everything -- the whole house -- with bath towels. I thought that was odd. He told me that is the way his mom cleaned. His mom stayed with us & asked me why her son cleaned everything with bath towels.

 

That's pretty hilarious.

 

But hey, I don't care how they clean if they're cleaning.

[preraph]

It may or may not be too late. It's important to get your kids to not question your instructions and just obey them from a young age as much as possible. But you should sit down and get eye level with her and be serious but not scolding and tell her you're going to be doing things differently and that it doesn't have to do with him but that this is coming from you realizing that you have not been raising her to become a successful adult and that now it's time to do so or she won't be ready. Let her know any resistance or arguing going forward instead of cooperation and she will lose privileges, that she is expected to go along with the plan and do what you say. Tell her what to expect. Tell her by not going along cooperatively, it will then be herself choosing the consequences because she knows the rules now.

[spiderowl]

I haven't read the whole thread but my first impression is that he is a control freak. He will only get worse. He is not happy about your child being taken into consideration. He does not have a clue about the responsibility of looking after and relating to a child. He has rules about everything.

 

When you questions his actions, he says he wants the best for you. No, he wants you to do things his way. Do not be fooled. It would be a big mistake to stay with this guy. Sorry.

[ItsAllConfusing]

OP: two things I see here.

 

1. Not going to spend much time on this because it is a well beaten dead horse: your boyfriend is one of the following - particular, controlling, prickly, a prick, bad guy, or a borderline aspie. Not sure which one but we can all agree that is more in the "has very specific opinions on how something should be done and voices them" personality bucket.

 

2. The other thing that I haven't seen anyone touch on but wanted to make sure you thought about is that it is really clear that you have "people pleaser" personality trait. Let me say there is nothing wrong with being a people pleaser. It is not a reflection on you in terms of you being good/bad or strong/weak. You are just very attuned to someone else's displeasure. When your BF voices his objection to how you are doing something you take it as his displeasure. And, since you're a people pleaser, you see that as a big problem that needs to be fixed. It is a big deal for you. That's just who you are.

 

Now don't go trying to change yourself from being a people pleaser. It is like asking a leopard to change his spots. But do look into your people pleasing nature, how to become more aware of it and ways to handle your instinctual reactions. And, how to talk about your personality trait with your BF or your next BF. I guarantee you, he has understanding of the impact his words have.

 

So, with that being said, I put to you that as a people pleasure it is really hard to have a healthy relationship with someone who is very hard to please. What you might have here is just a personality mismatch pure and simple. And while you might love him to pieces, it might just not be a good fit.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

Thank you so much for This! It was very insightful. I agree with you on the personality mismatch. I'm in denial but I know the truth. You're spot on about the people pleasing.

[schlumpy]

OP, after reading the other posts I am a bit reluctant to add my own voice because I feel the long knives will be pointed in my direction.

 

No offense, but I had to grin and even laugh at the description between you and your boyfriend. My wife and I went though a lot of the same thing. I think it's normal where these disagreements get resolved within a long term relationship and take the form of capitulation, stone wall resistance, or an uneasy truce depending upon the importance of the issue.

 

I admit fully that I have unwisely ragged on my wife's behavior just to ease my aggravation and most likely to the detriment of my marriage but I learned over the years to come to terms with her behaviors that I felt were avoidable. I believe the same is true for her.

 

Now my wife would probably say I've learned nothing since I still make remarks about her chronic lateness and the Mom bag she carries around with her but can't I have some hope?

 

This is a normal process in a relationship and only you can determine if its a deal breaker. No one gets a hundred percent nirvana and its up to you to decide how much negative energy you can live with.

 

I would suggest that you attempt to modify your behavior on items that are not important to you and on those that are, make sure he understands that he has to take you just as you are and that he will have to modify his behavior.

 

 

 

Best Wishes