ItsAllConfusing Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 Below are things that happened on the day my boyfriend and I were hanging out. Can you read this and tell me what you think? 1. Boyfriend made me dinner. He brought it to his bedroom where I was. I ate then later proceeded to take some from the pot and put it in a baggie to bring home. He sees me about to do this and comes over and says STOP! You're making a bad decision to do this on the computer table near the computer! He takes care of it and gets me a to go plate. His tone just cut right through me and I was going to tear up but instead I told him to go handle it. 2. We go to the grocery store and I have my bag of things with me (hair products, wallet, sweater, lunch in a container). He turns to me and asks what's all of that. He asks is it a normal thing to do to bring all of this stuff with me to the grocery store. He thinks there's something wrong in my brain because of this, I told him I just like to be prepared.I will admit I can be a bit of a bag lady but I just had one plastic bag. 3. I decided to eat my lunch quickly before we went grocery shopping he said he'd wait until I finished. I finished and put the empty container in my bike basket. He didn't like this (there was sauce in it), he said why not wash it out. I said I didn't feel like going back into the house to do that. He thought it was gross and abnormal to do. 4. He has this big thing about planning and so when I do something outside of what's scheduled it irks him. We get to the grocery store and I tell him I'm going to get some things too. He gets annoyed because it's not part of the plan. We were only there to get tge things on his list. I call my kid to ask if she wants any thing and he gets annoyed because he thinks shes going to ask for a ton of stuff and says that she's overweight and is concerned because he doesn't think i know how to budget (my money). I used to go to the store every other day or every day and he thinks this is wrong because i should do shopping once a month, with a list. 5. I help him with an online application for something. He's preparing food in the kitchen, he had set me up in the dining room. I had a meeting to attend in 30 mins and so had to move quickly. I take the laptop to the kitchen to ask him the remaining questions. He sees me and says in an annoyed tone to bring it in there (the dining room) I tell him it's easier to do it where he is. #1. Was what happened right before I left for the night and I talked to him telling him how I felt about this. I was upset. We had a pretty nice day and when he rsised his voice it upset me. He calls and sincerely apologizes, tells me he loves me and wants the best for us etc... says he wants the best for me. In short I do love him. He is a kind, caring man and treats me very well. I feel he can be a little bit picky but i try not to let that overshadow him. Sometimes I think what if I dated someone different who didn't nitpick and get annoyed, someone who just let me be without question but at the same time I so under stand his intentions. No matter our disagreements we always talk it out. I never do anything that I don't want to do. .
PRW Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 He will only get more like this as time goes on. His behavior could indicate some mental or emotional disorder. He could be an "aspie" for example which is a form of autism. It could also be something as simple as him growing up with a parent that did the same thing to him,...that he could never please them. It also sounds exactly like narcissistic behavor such as for example the method of verbally beating someone down and then claiming it is for your own good and they only want what is best for you (hence making the whole thing "your fault"). But in any case it will only get worse unless you stand up for yourself and be confident that you are not doing anything wrong in those example. Even if you stand up for yourself 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 What do I think of your boyfriend? He wouldn't have made it to the role of Boyfriend with that kind of controlling, rigid, rude and demeaning behaviour. I don't need a daddy, I already have one. This guy would have been shown the door a while ago. Sorry OP, I can see you're trying to justify staying with him but you're obviously not happy. Be honest with yourself.
PRW Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 Even if you stand up for yourself...it may not get any better.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 This guy doesn't have boundaries. So much stuff about the other person, we have to let them do things their way. We might, and it's best to ask, share some suggestions. But telling you how to walk and stand and how to save food. He's lost. We are all very different. He doesn't get that different is reality ... and difference isn't always on the inferior to superior continuum. Some behaviors we have are just random things we acquired from our family or just by living. You only want to comment on somebody's mundane activity if that activity harms or hurts you ... And even then, you would describe your feelings first ... and not just jump to telling the person what to do. Your bf is exhausting. He needs to read up on boundaries ... though I'm not sure he'll even get it. You need to say to him that you're not his child and you do NOT want his opinions on every little thing. It's NOT his business what you bring to a store. He doesn't like you, he should leave. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 He's a picky person . . . he wants things done his way & doesn't seem generous of spirit. He thinks that his way is the only "right" way to do anything & he's inflexible. He will probably never change. So either deal with him as he is or walk. It's all about whether you are willing to put up with a lifetime of this. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 He sounds very particular and set in his ways, and it seems like he'd be best suited for someone who is willing to do things exactly the way he wants all the time. Is that you?
preraph Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 Wait. Are you paying for your own groceries or is he? And yes, it's weird to carry a bunch of stuff you don't need for a grocery trip in a bag. Have you recently been homeless? 1
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 27, 2019 Author Posted June 27, 2019 Wow I love this!!!! Have you written any books? Lol. I'm going to use this when I talk to him. Last night I told him that he was mean and controlling that he criticized everything about me and treated me like a kid. I think that really but him because he was so apologetic when he called. This guy doesn't have boundaries. So much stuff about the other person, we have to let them do things their way. We might, and it's best to ask, share some suggestions. But telling you how to walk and stand and how to save food. He's lost. We are all very different. He doesn't get that different is reality ... and difference isn't always on the inferior to superior continuum. Some behaviors we have are just random things we acquired from our family or just by living. You only want to comment on somebody's mundane activity if that activity harms or hurts you ... And even then, you would describe your feelings first ... and not just jump to telling the person what to do. Your bf is exhausting. He needs to read up on boundaries ... though I'm not sure he'll even get it. You need to say to him that you're not his child and you do NOT want his opinions on every little thing. It's NOT his business what you bring to a store. He doesn't like you, he should leave. 1
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 27, 2019 Author Posted June 27, 2019 Wait. Are you paying for your own groceries or is he? And yes, it's weird to carry a bunch of stuff you don't need for a grocery trip in a bag. Have you recently been homeless? Lol no I'm not homeless. I just like my things with me. We travel on public transit or bike so I like to have the things I need with me. I pay for my own groceries 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 I think I wouldn’t date/continue to date a man that acts the way your boyfriend acts If you can’t accept him the way he is now then you should leave I think you should btw
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 27, 2019 Author Posted June 27, 2019 He sounds very particular and set in his ways, and it seems like he'd be best suited for someone who is willing to do things exactly the way he wants all the time. Is that you? Definitely not me, I'm willing to meet you halfway I'm flexible but I will not live life HIS way. I'm worried that if we do marry and we do have children that it would be a disaster. I can see it all ready. I know we will bump heads.
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 27, 2019 Author Posted June 27, 2019 He will only get more like this as time goes on. His behavior could indicate some mental or emotional disorder. He could be an "aspie" for example which is a form of autism. It could also be something as simple as him growing up with a parent that did the same thing to him,...that he could never please them. It also sounds exactly like narcissistic behavor such as for example the method of verbally beating someone down and then claiming it is for your own good and they only want what is best for you (hence making the whole thing "your fault"). But in any case it will only get worse unless you stand up for yourself and be confident that you are not doing anything wrong in those example. Even if you stand up for yourself Thank you so much. This was very helpful. You helped open my eyes to see the situation differently. 1
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 27, 2019 Author Posted June 27, 2019 I think I wouldn’t date/continue to date a man that acts the way your boyfriend acts If you can’t accept him the way he is now then you should leave I think you should btw Thank you. It's hard because I do love him. I do see the great things in him. He isn't a bad person and sometimes doesn't even realize that the way he says and does things offends people. I don't want to see him with another woman either. I have a lot of reflection to do. Thank you. 1
preraph Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 Lol no I'm not homeless. I just like my things with me. We travel on public transit or bike so I like to have the things I need with me. I pay for my own groceries Here in Texas, we have things called purses and backpacks. Just sayin'. Also, carrying a plastic bag into a retail establishment puts security/theft prevention's antennae's up. Why not commit to a purse or small backpack. So you go to the store way too much and he is at the opposite end of the spectrum. Not a good organizational match between you two. He is organized to the point of OCD and you are flying by the seat of your pants. I just think it's a bad match. He is too rigid. Realistically, how can you only shop once a month? I can do once every two weeks but I'm only buying for one. Once a month, no fresh fruit or vegetables and run out of dairy. You'll have to stand your ground and both of you compromise a lot if you want to stay together. 4
Foxhall Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 (edited) yes a guy has to balance a fine line too at times! If he was the opposite and very passive you would probably not be happy either. Anyway my thoughts are- As a laid back type myself, I find it hard to understand his behaviour. My opinion is you will find him too overbearing in the long run, to quote a popular comment here I think he needs to be "friend zoned" or perhaps he might not be a very suitable friend even indeed. At any rate I feel his behaviour is off the wall and someone behaving in an unnecessary way deserves to be punished for it, so with that in mind give him the boot and make him learn the hard way that he has to change his ways. I try to be consistent with my previous posts, so I would also say if he did happen to become a changed man at some point in the future, well perhaps be open to a reconciliation at that point. Edited June 27, 2019 by Foxhall 2
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 27, 2019 Author Posted June 27, 2019 Here in Texas, we have things called purses and backpacks. Just sayin'. Also, carrying a plastic bag into a retail establishment puts security/theft prevention's antennae's up. Why not commit to a purse or small backpack. So you go to the store way too much and he is at the opposite end of the spectrum. Not a good organizational match between you two. He is organized to the point of OCD and you are flying by the seat of your pants. I just think it's a bad match. He is too rigid. Realistically, how can you only shop once a month? I can do once every two weeks but I'm only buying for one. Once a month, no fresh fruit or vegetables and run out of dairy. You'll have to stand your ground and both of you compromise a lot if you want to stay together. Funny thing is I have a backpack but I took the things that I wanted out and placed them inside of a plastic bag trying to carry less stuff. In the end, I ended up bringing my backpack. If initially I had just brought my backpack along rather than that plastic bag he wouldn't have complained although the plastic bag would have still been inside of the backpack. 1
BaileyB Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 The issue isn’t the backpack. The issue here is respect and your boyfriends intolerance. 3
preraph Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 He wouldn't have complained because he wouldn't have seen what's in the backpack. Sounds like the less info he has, the better!
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 Thank you. It's hard because I do love him. I do see the great things in him. He isn't a bad person and sometimes doesn't even realize that the way he says and does things offends people. I don't want to see him with another woman either. I have a lot of reflection to do. Thank you. Forget about his good qualities Forget about him being with another woman If you stay and he don’t change and he stays exactly the way he is....can you accept him flaws and all or not? Can you accept the yelling, the criticisms, talking down about your kid, treating you like a little kid....? I would really like to know that answer at your earliest convenience please 1
frus69 Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 I don't think he's a bad guy, I think you two just have very different life style/ habit If you can tolerant each others differences I see no big deal here. Can you tolerant? 1
emeraldgreen Posted June 27, 2019 Posted June 27, 2019 He's a neat freak and you're a bit sloppy. He's always gonna pick at you and you're always gonna take it personally. 1
olivetree Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 It doesn't matter what we think. What do you think? Can you tolerate his very particular ways? Can he tolerate your more spontaneous, laid back ways? Judging by how apologetic he was when you told him how you felt, it seems he does care about your feelings. Since you have lots of good things to say about him, see if he is willing to tone down the comments and let you just "be" a bit more. Maybe you two can balance each other out. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2019 Posted June 28, 2019 The issue isn’t the backpack. The issue here is respect and your boyfriends intolerance. This. Him being a neat-freak doesn't excuse the belittling way he communicates with you, OP. It doesn't mean he has the right to cut you down when he is frustrated or lacking understanding about your differences. That is what would have me packing my bags. It's a question of respect, at the end of the day, and he has very little for you.
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