Thedubman Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 I’m looking for advice on how to keep things going and spice things up. It’s just not in my nature to cause drama or conflict. I’m not needy or clingy, I have gotten good at dishing out the same effort they put out. I have been having the reoccurring theme of going on 4-5 dates then when I usually get to that point the women just start fading away. Most of the time I’m getting laid by the 2nd of 3rd date which tells me they are attracted to me and were interested at some point. I guess you can say once the “getting to know you phase is over” it’s just a loosing battle for me. Any advice? I’m trying to make sense with what’s going on?
Lotsgoingon Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 Can't tell for sure, but my guess would be you're having trouble distinguishing between an OK connection with someone (that can lead to sex) and a deeper connection that will last longer. Two questions: 1. Were you overwhelmingly, passionately interested in and curious about any of these women? 2. Did you get the sense that any of these women was blown away by you, really interested in you, deeply curious about you, impressed by you? A first counter-intuitive step: make out but don't have sex. I think you and these partners might be getting confused and thwarted by sex. We had sex. What do we do now? Delaying sex can allow you and your partners time to figure out what you really want with the relationship. 2
frus69 Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 Being nice is never the problem. Problem is usually being too agreeable, being opinionless, being boring, being lukewarm 3
Author Thedubman Posted June 25, 2019 Author Posted June 25, 2019 Can't tell for sure, but my guess would be you're having trouble distinguishing between an OK connection with someone (that can lead to sex) and a deeper connection that will last longer. Two questions: 1. Were you overwhelmingly, passionately interested in and curious about any of these women? 2. Did you get the sense that any of these women was blown away by you, really interested in you, deeply curious about you, impressed by you? A first counter-intuitive step: make out but don't have sex. I think you and these partners might be getting confused and thwarted by sex. We had sex. What do we do now? Delaying sex can allow you and your partners time to figure out what you really want with the relationship. I would say one in particular I was head over heels over, the others I was definitely interested in but I was definitely forcing it on myself to some degree. I would say all of them were, especially during the first couple dates. One thing I did notice with all of them though is when I hit like the 3rd or 4th date I always noticed a difference in thier enthusiasm. They would rarely call me or initiate a first text. They would no longer go out of thier way to see me, it would get to the point where I would feel like I’m beating a dead horse. It would get to the point where I would be doing all the work. Usually once I got to that point I would feel like it’s time for me to move on.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 (edited) Sadly this is how most dating is and you just have to wait it out. You may not even be doing anything wrong to push them away, they just found a better option. Edited June 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
chillii Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 Nothing to do with being nice, try being an AH and see how far that gets you. But your not reading the situation. You've had no real connection or something special with these women. And maybe it's the guy thing too, they get what they want and then take off. Anyone sleeps with anyone out there these days by the sounds of it but that doesn't mean it's special sadly, it should , but it doesn't seem to with most. Anything that's gonna go somewhere is all about the two of you , there has to be something really special between you and a genuine connection.
central Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 Maybe you aren't very interesting? Women generally want some kind of meaningful conversation, or are curious if you are passionate about something that isn't too weird! 1
basil67 Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 If you were forcing it on yourself to some degree, then it's highly likely they were too. This makes fading highly likely. When looking at what's going wrong, start by looking at relationships which seem great and then they fade. Also, I agree with the poster who wrote that being 'nice' isn't the problem. Rather, it's about being to accommodating, wishy washy or agreeable. I really appreciate a man who says "no" if my plans don't suit him.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 I get the sense from your post that you don't have much enthusiasm for life and dating in general. The man leads the action and sets the tone in dating. So if enthusiasm is dying out, it's most likely because you're not conveying your own enthusiasm. This could be because you're dating women you're not all that excited about, and they sense it, lose interest. As for women not calling you or initiating texts, plenty of women don't do that. I never call or text first in the early stages, and hardly ever once established. Most women like a take-charge guy who makes it happen. 1
alphamale Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 what are you like in the sack? do you take charge and act all manly? do the girls orgasm? 2
Versacehottie Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 If you are getting to dates 4-5 and then it fizzles away repeatedly, my guess is that you are probably playing things too safe. I'd say you have to learn how to create good tension--and/or walk away before that many dates if you also aren't getting it back from the girl. That'd be my guess: a guy who kind of plays it gingerly :| If that is what it is, you can get past it with some work/changes. I think there is a difference between being a gentleman and playing things too safe for the record. Good luck
elaine567 Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 I have gotten good at dishing out the same effort they put out. I guess that is not enough for most women, so they sense a disinterest in you and fade away.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 (edited) I would say one in particular I was head over heels over, the others I was definitely interested in but I was definitely forcing it on myself to some degree..... The good news is ... when prompted, you can go back and notice when the enthusiasm waned ... and you can see that you were "forcing it" with some of these women. Forcing it, pushing past your true level of interest, simply doesn't work. You can go through all the motions of what a good next date would be ... but if you're forcing it, there will be an empty hole where the energy of genuine interest should be. Forcing it is a sign that neither of you is that interested. Or a sign that you're not interested and/or a sign that they aren't interested. That's your radar going off. Pay attention. Forcing it means nothing will come out of time with this person. The woman you were really into, that's the only one you want to really push for ... but you want to push only as far as she shows equal interest. So did you get a second date with the woman you really liked? What happened there? Edited June 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
spiderowl Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 (edited) Being nice isn't usually a problem. I've met a few 'nice' guys and actually they weren't all that nice. One was watching the money very carefully as if I was likely to take him for a ride. He bought us fish and chips but was seriously watching the pennies. I offered to buy drinks and he took me up on that. I don't expect a guy to spend a lot of money on me and I always reciprocate, but it is uncomfortable to feel a guy is keeping tabs from the start. Another was simply not looking after me - didn't offer a coffee or ask where I'd like to sit, just decided where he wanted to sit. It's nice to be looked after a bit, makes me feel special. One guy was nice in many ways but didn't like eating out. He preferred us to cook in his home. I rarely eat out so for me it is one of the nice things about dating - a chance to do something special. For him, it was all about sharing the daily tasks of life. Fair enough but why bother dating if you are not going to do something romantic once in a while? Another 'nice' guy was polite, respectful, but incredibly cynical. He told me stories of how women had treated him in the past - basically used him to do DIY and put money into their projects. It was disheartening to hear. I felt whatever I did, he would be watching to see if I was a 'user'. Fortunately, I did not feel attracted to him in person so we did not go on any more dates. As I am the kind of person who will pay for the food and/or drinks, I resent this kind of hidden agenda. Other nice guys have smelled. Yes, didn't brush their teeth well. Not very nice at all. One guy I did like who did not smell, lol, turned up in a run-down fleece. He looked as though he had been cleaning out the garage and just decided to go for a date. I don't dress up to the nines, as some women do, but I make sure I am clean, smell nice, and wear some of my better clothes. It shows some respect. The point I am making is that someone can think they are nice but do all sorts of things that can be offputting. As these women are sleeping with you, they are obviously physically attracted. Are you treating them with consideration and respect? Do you have a negative attitude from the start? You should also bear in mind that it is at about the 3rd or 4th date where people start to realise they are not compatible. Compatibility does not mean rejection; it simply means they know that your lives are not going to mesh very well, e.g. you are an avid meat-eater and foodie and they are vegetarian. I would say stand up for yourself but in a respectful and loving way. Take care of the woman and show her you feel she is special. That really is nice providing the guy is not clingy too. Edited June 25, 2019 by spiderowl 3
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 You are doing something right. You are getting laid Being nice is a good thing, if by nice you mean polite, courtly & romantic. Being a door mat is unattractive. You don't have to cause conflict or stir up drama to keep a woman but I suspect that you are too conflict avoidant & think that expressing any opinion that is contrary to hers is problematic. It's not. You are allowed to have & express your opinions. If you love chocolate ice cream, when she tells you her favorite flavor is pistachio you don't have to stop ordering or eating chocolate. Stick up for yourself. Say no occasionally without raising your voice or being a jerk about it & the women should stay. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 Women are hard to read. There were times I thought there was good chemistry but nothing. Other times similar thing occurs but a relationship happens. I look for something more than just being nice before I try to kiss. I respect women so some may say I’m beta.
Author Thedubman Posted June 26, 2019 Author Posted June 26, 2019 I get the sense from your post that you don't have much enthusiasm for life and dating in general. The man leads the action and sets the tone in dating. So if enthusiasm is dying out, it's most likely because you're not conveying your own enthusiasm. This could be because you're dating women you're not all that excited about, and they sense it, lose interest. As for women not calling you or initiating texts, plenty of women don't do that. I never call or text first in the early stages, and hardly ever once established. Most women like a take-charge guy who makes it happen. I agree with the taking charge thing but it’s hard to stay interested when your doing 90% of the work, well for me it is.
basil67 Posted June 26, 2019 Posted June 26, 2019 I respect women so some may say I’m beta. Only misogynists would suggest you are a beta for respecting women. Mutual respect is the foundation of all good relationships. 2
alphamale Posted June 26, 2019 Posted June 26, 2019 the guys who do the best with women are ones who know when to be alpha and when to be beta. The alpha-beta spectrum is fluid and a man should know when to adjust to the situation with a particular female
mortensorchid Posted June 26, 2019 Posted June 26, 2019 Being nice is never the problem. Problem is usually being too agreeable, being opinionless, being boring, being lukewarm I think that's the main thing that turns people off. When you are ... Not exciting at all. Years ago I went out with this guy (an OLD of course), and I asked him about his interests and whatever else he did outside of work. He said he wanted to find something else to do other than play cards with his buddies on the weekends. Was he nice? I don't know, I didn't know enough about him to know if he was "nice" or not, but he was boring to be sure. What happened? Not much. We went out a few more times, 4 or 5 I think. It was always my decision to do something, and he never even bothered to tell me his last name the whole time.
frus69 Posted June 26, 2019 Posted June 26, 2019 ^^ Agree. And the sad thing is 99% guys thought agreeing everything the woman says and letting the woman decides on everything is "being nice". Well by that definition, nice guys do finish last. But really, that's not being nice. That's being boring as.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 26, 2019 Posted June 26, 2019 If the one thing these situations have in common is a decrease in enthusiasm after having sex, then it probably wasn't that great. Give it some thought. If you think there could be some room for improvement, start there. Alternatively, slow down and wait until you have built a stronger connection. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 26, 2019 Posted June 26, 2019 (edited) It sounds to me like you have the same mentality that a lot of women have . . . sex=love and interest in more from men and/or that sex "seals" the deal and the guy will magically just want to be with them forever. Dating is a numbers game. There will be more who aren't interested in moving forward with you than there will be "the ones" who do and a few who just want sex once in a while. But, I will say this, if you get to the point of being intimate with a woman you really like, you need to maintain good contact with her afterwards or most of them are going to be wondering if you just only wanted sex yourself. I mean don't wait a week after you've had sex with them to call or text again. Don't stop the "pursuit" because you think sex is the shoe in in terms of interest level. Right after sex is the "witching" moment sometimes. Read these boards -- "Oh, I had sex and now he doesn't text as often or I haven't heard from him like I used to" etc. Yeah, the woman could/should keep in touch too but in the beginning they need a little more reassurance from the guy and especially after sex. Sorry if you think it's a double standard. Truth is truth, women are women they are a little different than men. Like it or not. If you want to be with a woman, don't expect them to be men with vaginas. Edited June 26, 2019 by Redhead14 2
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