In Sync Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 Seems like my heart has a mind of its own. I really am taking strides to recover and move on...I've worked taken a vacation return taking classes, but every so often I get this longing in my heart for him. And its agonizing. Last night for example I went out with girlfriends just to hang out but as soon as I returned home, I felt worse than ever. Starting a new round of tears. Being out with them seem to make me long for my "ex" and his company even more. Mind you, its been since April since he's broke it off....we'd known each other for 2yrs. I know it wasn't a perfect relationship sometimes its lacked what I needed but this emptiness without him is not so great either. I'm so tired of longing for him and yet I can't seem to stop. The reality is we'll never get back together..I know. So why am I struggling so with this letting go part?
JS17 Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 It doesn't sound like it's about him, you just sound lonely Some relationships take some people longer to get over. Maybe dating will help you get past it.
Author In Sync Posted September 25, 2005 Author Posted September 25, 2005 JS17, You are right its not about him I suppose.... I miss the idea of being with him..even during the bad moments. I felt something. As for dating again...I simply can't imagine doing that now..its like my ex is not out of my system so how can I enjoy being with someone else. The devil I knew is easier than testing the waters with the unknown. I'm stuck. And I don't know what to do when I'm overwhelmed with these feelings..and so all I do is cry.
JS17 Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 I'm stuck. And I don't know what to do when I'm overwhelmed with these feelings..and so all I do is cry. Me too I'm just hoping that time makes it go away
smile95 Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 crying helps me? You ever notice if you cry yourself to sleep, in the morning, you feel better or have a better day? Maybe it is just me, but I know crying is a healing experience. i am also overwhlemed with sadness......all we can do is move fed and stick to NC. I made a huge mistake and answered his text last weekend telling me he loved me and missed me and here I am back to NC aftr he ignores me again. I guess I got my hopes up. I mean, if your ex called and said that, wouldn't you get your hopes up??? At least I learned my lesson......he is playing games and just wants to know that no matter what he does to me, I keep coming bak for more. I am catching on now.
Author In Sync Posted September 25, 2005 Author Posted September 25, 2005 It doesn't fair, that you put bring so much hope and love in a relationship and just like that its gone, and that person you gave so much to walks away and can on on easily. As if you all that love was nothing to them. They move on and find new bf or gf and leave you here with your heart hanging out to dry. How can people be so hurtful to someone who loved them? And I know people tell me I should just get over it, but I can't I'm still hurting and I'm stuck with all my memories that I can't hide from.
smile95 Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 memories are the worst....but people who get married and div have to have memories too right??? Imagine getting over a great wedding day? If they can do it, we can too. I assume your ex has move on to someone new. That must be tough. The less you know about them, the better. it is hard to "just get over them". I think it is harder for me since he was my 2nd real relationship and who I thought I would marry.
JS17 Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 It doesn't fair, that you put bring so much hope and love in a relationship and just like that its gone, and that person you gave so much to walks away and can on on easily. As if you all that love was nothing to them. They move on and find new bf or gf and leave you here with your heart hanging out to dry. How can people be so hurtful to someone who loved them? And I know people tell me I should just get over it, but I can't I'm still hurting and I'm stuck with all my memories that I can't hide from. I asked the same thing this morning. This is what everyone had to say. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=580310#post580310
Author In Sync Posted September 25, 2005 Author Posted September 25, 2005 It's true people who are get divorce face the same if not worse disillusionment. Loss is painful to recover from...Somedays I wake up and I am ok with it..but today I'm not. And its always out of left field that these feelings come, when I'm sure I'm fine I start thinking "last year we were together at this time..." and one thought leads to another. I know I have to fight against that happening by focusing on other things..its just so damned hard.
Fallen_Angel Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 I wish I knew the answer to your question...let me know when you find out, okay? I too am pushing the six month mark (!!!), and over the past few days the pain has returned in full force, seemingly out of the blue. It's so hard because you have to strike some kind of balance between releasing the thoughts about your ex and avoiding them. If you allow yourself to wallow in the memories, you feel even worse, but when you repress them they end up biting you in the @$$. It is unbelievably unfair. Time heals all wounds...supposedly. I think you'll see you've made progress once you realize you can go for whole hours and then perhaps even a day when you don't focus solely on your ex. Lately the first thing I think of when I wake up is related to work! While this isn't exactly pleasant, it sure beats the alternative. People who tell you to simply "get over it" probably haven't felt the depths of your pain, or they've buried the memory of it. I wish we could all rush the healing process, but the reality is there's no way to do so. It's a daily battle. Sometimes the only thing you can do is jump headlong into something, whether it be exercising or calling a friend or shopping or cleaning or whatever...anything to disrupt the flow of painful memories.
Author In Sync Posted September 25, 2005 Author Posted September 25, 2005 To all of you who have responded to this post, I want you to know I appreciate your being out there to help me deal with 'stuff' today...it's been a rough day... yeah, it's so helpful to know that there are people out there (although faceless to me) that you understand with compassion what I am going through. I sometimes envy those who are not so emotional and can just blot out any hurt or pain. On days like this I sort of wish I was not so sensitive. The guy I was with was pretty much like that. I don't think he ever cried over a loss. Ergo he didn't look back after moving on..no emotional attachment to me. That's the hard part to come to terms with. I am throwing myself into my other activities, work, and my classes feverishly. Almost with desperation to run from the hurt. And the the minute I'm still it catches up to me. Nevertheless I'll keep myself and busy and hopefully memories of him will eventually fade.
LostnBroken Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Hi all...new here! I sure wish I found this place sooner... Probably not going to be much help in telling you that it's been a year and a half since my break up and I still cry just about everyday. We were together for 8 years...we have 3 children together. Never married but engaged and planning a wedding when I found out he was cheating on me with a girl 9 years younger. I will spare you the nasty details of that but the only thing that initially got me through it was thinking that he WILL miss me someday and he WILL realize his mistake...a year and a half later it still hasn't happened. I wasn't hoping for him back but I wanted revenge...I wanted him to know the pain and come crawling back to me just so I could reject him and he'd only have himself to blame for it. Now I'm stuck because it reeeaaaallllly sucks when someone you've loved so much for so long actually thinks their life is better off with out you. We are still friends...trying to be anyway...and i just so want to strangle him when I find his new girlfriend having the same complaints I did in the relationship and he's making the changes in himself for her...why wasn't I good enough? Ugh... Only thing that has helped so far is EXERCISE. In a relationship for 8 years and 3 kids later I got "comfy" you could say and put on a lot of weight...I've lost 75 pounds since last year...that and beating the hell out of a punching bag sure relieves some pent up anger *Ü*
sanne Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 it's so easy to just get caught up in your sorrow and misery. while it's ok to grieve initially, at some point you HAVE to look at your situation objectively. realize that your ex may not ever come back, and that you are wasting your life away trying to hold onto something that doesn't exist. now i'm by no means fully recovered, if anything i've done everything wrong in regards to dealing with my breakup. but i've realized that i was wasting my life away on someone that was never right for me to begin with. i want to be happy again someday, and i want to find that person who is right for me, but it is never going to happen as long as I hold onto my ex. so i'm learning to just let it all go, and while it can be difficult at times it is also very liberating and wonderful.
pippen_2k Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Well this is just my opinion.... But if you are still having ABSOLUTE MISERABLE days where you are feeling down and crying, and its been over 3 months since the breakup, you have not applied NC. You are probably still trying to contact the ex, or still even talking to him/her, and this is what is killing you. If you have absolutley ZERO contact with your ex for at least 3 months, I guarantee you will no longer have these miserable days. Sure you will still think about em and still hurt occasionally, but the pain goes quick and its tolerable. But overall you will be happy. Like I said, just my opinion through experiences.
JS17 Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Well this is just my opinion.... But if you are still having ABSOLUTE MISERABLE days where you are feeling down and crying, and its been over 3 months since the breakup, you have not applied NC. You are probably still trying to contact the ex, or still even talking to him/her, and this is what is killing you. If you have absolutley ZERO contact with your ex for at least 3 months, I guarantee you will no longer have these miserable days. Sure you will still think about em and still hurt occasionally, but the pain goes quick and its tolerable. But overall you will be happy. Like I said, just my opinion through experiences. I have to respectfully disagree Pippen. Many people that do NC still have really bad days here and there. Usually it has little to do with the person that is missing in their lives but other issues, either damage that the other person left them with or issues of their own brought out buy the traumatic event of a breakup.
sanne Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 JS17 is spot on. It's not enough to just do NC, you have to really want to get over your ex.
Author In Sync Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 At times I wonder if my pain is the only thing left I have from that relationship. If I let go it's the feeling of completely abandonment. Admitting to myself its undeniably over. Yesterday I happen to browse through a book about getting over a broken relationship and the usual stuff was in there...yet there was a chapter on mythologizing a relationship. I think I've crossed over to that point of making my ex-lover something more than he was and so I am having a harder time letting go. By making him the absolute perfect guy I refuse to stop feeling the pain of losing him. It's childish to keep wishing for something that is not going to happen and I know we are not going to happen but its a horrible nauseating feeling to know this person I was so intimate with and laughed with and layed in their arms no longer a part of my life. The body doesn't forget that. See I'm doing it again mythologizing him, when I should be thinking about how hot and cold he'd become or fly into a rage at something I said or disappear for blocks of time or call me unpleasant names. Yeah I'm not seeing how unhappy I was at times when I with him too.
sanne Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 it's that fear of abandonment and being completely alone that makes many of us cling so hard to our ex's, even when we are in relationships that are not good for us. you have to tell yourself that you have been completely alone before and you will never meet that right person until you are comfortable being alone in your own skin.
LostnBroken Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 No contact is not even an option for me...we have children together and he's very much a part of their lives. That...and...I sort of have a bit of a unique and not so great situation. Now don't all judgemental but I still live with the jackass. Is a veerrrrrrrry looooooong complicated story but starts with me being a stay at home mom when we split...no income makes it very hard to move out and I simply have NO PLACE ELSE TO GO. I'm literally stuck for the time being. I wasn't working on moving out for the first 10 months of the break up because I was bound and determined to get him back...It turned into more of a pride thing than anything else...I was not about to let the OW win...ya know? I do love him...always will...he was my first and only love up to this point of my life and regardless what he did to me I will always have a special place for him in my heart. It has taken me this long to go from I want him back, it's not over to accepting that it's over and wanting a life of my own. I went from saying "I don't want to be ok with someone else, I only want him" to saying "I want to be ok by myself." It's just a verrrry long hard road to get there...especially when I have to look at his face everyday. I am in the process of saving up money and will probably end up moving in with my Mother for the time being at the end of the year when she buys her own house. I stayed with her over the summer with the kids and I was fine...sooo much happier but the situation wasn't working for our kids...house was just too small and the school was TERRIBLE...I couldn't bare to send my kids there. I know I know...not a healthy situation for them or myself here but we honestly do the best that we can with what we got right now. I just dunno what else I could possibly be doing...
LostnBroken Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I mythologized my ex before we were even together. We were best friends for 2 years before we became a couple...I got pregnant with our first child while he had another girlfriend...but I was bound and determined to wait for him to realize it was me that he loved. I thought he was just absolutely *PERFECT* even though he constantly cheated on his girlfriend with me and then ultimately cheated on me atleast 3 times that I know of...probably more. I still fought for him back. If I heard someone else telling me the same story I would definitely hang my head in shame and wonder what the heck this chick was thinking... Only thing I can say for myself is Love is blind...and I was young and naive
Author In Sync Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 How ironic is that it's not enough to give your heart to someone, but to get love back you have to enjoy being alone. It's not an easy thing to enjoy being alone when you want so much to be with the person you gave your heart to. Ask me to climb Mount Everest..that would be easier to do than to tolerate this pit in the stomache longing.
Author In Sync Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 Lostnbroken, No one here on any thread can judge anyone only offer advise and our insight. Your circumstance is difficult but not so uncommon. You had hopes to salvage your relationship and stuck it out with someone who did not respect your love and children are involved. What I'm learning from all these replies is there's no easy answer to my original question. Maybe some are fortunate to be able to move, I'm grappling with this and it's not easy.
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