Scarlet86 Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 I am 3 weeks into this affair ending for the 6th time. Yes, the 6th time. Trying to remember the pain I’m feeling and just looking to vent. I still remember the day 5 years ago when he walked into work. Eyes met and felt like I was drawn to him from the first second. He was “only” dating his woman back then and I’m not sure I even knew that at first. It started with him adding me on fb, then he would message on fb messenger. This was back in 2014. He would tell me his relationship problems and how he was living in the apartment above their house. He would ask to meet up but we never did. When I found out she was pregnant in 2014 the messaging died off significantly. In Dec of 2015 she sent me a fb message asking why her bf keeps deleting the messages he sends me. I told him then we needed to not message anymore. We continued to be friendly at work for years but I never really thought much of it. They end up getting engaged in Aug of 2017. In April 2018 he gets really drunk at his bachelor party (a week before the wedding), uses a friends phone and confesses his love to me. How he always thought I was who he should be with etc. I half asked him about it and joked was he sure he wanted to get married. They get married on my Birthday 2018 (yes he knew it was my bday). In Sept he gets a promotion through that requires him to travel. That’s when the texting starts. The second he gets to that first hotel he is texting me. We continue to only text until November. In November he starts coming over on his breaks, driving by after work to sit in the driveway and talk after work. We are seeing each other at least 5x a week at this point. Jan he takes me to a concert and tells me that he loves me. I’m his soul mate and he will do anything I need to leave his wife. We discuss plans of how it will go down. Later in the month they have a blow up fight. Both saying they want a divorce and she says she will move out. Then things hit the fan. Feb 7th the wife gets a message from someone at our work all about our history and that we have been fooling around. He ends up moving in with me for a week. Supposedly she used the kids against him and he ends up going back to her. Saying that I’m blocked and we were done. We never stopped he just learned how to hide it better. Things fly under the radar until April 1st. He comes over and things are fine. He no sooner leaves and a knock is on my door. It’s the wife. He had forgot to turn off the gps on his phone and she tracked him to my house. They fought all night and it ended with her showing up at my house with their kids in the car to “go see daddy’s new gf”. She banged on my windows and doors and threw all of his stuff in my yard. His 15yr old daughter asked to meet me so I did hang out with her for a few house. He stayed at my house again another week before he went back to her. This time I was furious and we stopped talking during this time. I sent his wife screenshots of all the messages and gave her a complete breakdown of our entire relationship. She blocks me on his phone and fb It took him about 3 weeks to start flirting with me at work and by Easter we were hooking up again. Her rules this time were that he had to turn in his clock in/out slips and keep the gps on his phone. So he just left his phone in his car and I drove him to my house . He would unblock me in the mornings while she worked and then block me back at night. On their anniversary trip she got another message stating some had seen him get in my car. Since he was unable to provide clock out slips she again kicked him out and he came to my house. We looked at houses to rent. But This time he lasted about 2 days before he went back to her. Another 3 weeks goes by and he’s flirting with me at work and asking to make out on our breaks. We start texting again and eventually hook up. By this point my sister has become friends with the wife and hates MM. My sister finds out we are hooking up and tells his wife. **** hits the fan and they fight all night. Cue 1am. He tells me that I never really loved him. Don’t say that I didn’t. He just wanted me to be patient and I couldn’t do that. I ruined his life. That he just had to walk away from his marriage so ready or not we better do this. I tell him I will take him back but he better not text and beg her back the entire time. He promises that he won’t. He comes to the house. The next morning he’s showing me pictures of houses, asking to get a joint bank account and kinds of stuff. But by the time 3pm rolls around I can tell he’s different. He swears he’s not but I know he’s texting her. The next morning we wake up. Have sex for an hour to where he is late for work. Tells me he loves me over and over again. Kisses me goodbye and shuts the door. Only to CHANGE his phone number and never talk to me again!!!! Thankfully he transferred work locations so he is gone but I could kill him. It’s been 3 weeks and I’m still mad. How could someone that “loves” me do something so disgusting!?? In between all of this me and his wife go at it on fb sometimes. She calls me a homewrecking whore and posts my full name and where I work. She stalks my fb page and will have her friends attack me. But then the next we are texting about things and she asks me info and I willingly give it to her. I just hope he’s done and he’s not going to come back for round 7.
FMW Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 You have the power to stop it cold. You allow him to keep coming back. Your interactions with his wife are deeply messed up. It sounds like you both like the drama.
Turning point Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 There's another way to view your story in which you've had only 6 false starts, 'escapades' perhaps. I don't really see any breakups here because, I don't see where you were ever actually in a relationship with him. He had a girlfriend. He got engaged to her, and then he married her. All the while he was hitting you up for take out on the side, and you delivered. End it here. Let's not score #7. 2
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 (edited) You hope “he” is done - like you have no responsibility or control here? You are the very epitome of the saying “those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it...” Edited June 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Scarlet86 Posted June 24, 2019 Author Posted June 24, 2019 I only say I hope “he’s” done because I’m not at a place yet where I can comfortably say that I am done. I need him to stay strong until I’m healed 1
Starswillshine Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 Oh geez... another case of big bad controlling wife that keeps the OW away from her prize of a cheating scumbag. 2
BaileyB Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 I only say I hope “he’s” done because I’m not at a place yet where I can comfortably say that I am done. I need him to stay strong until I’m healed You’ve had five years... how much longer are you going to need. I’m sorry, but at a certain point you are going to need to take responsibility for your own decisions and your own life. Why not start today? 2
Amethyst68 Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 I'm not seeing any accountability for YOUR actions here. No is a complete sentence you know, he had done nothing you have not allowed him to do. Even now you about you'd step back into the drama, at this point the only person to blame is you. 2
SpiceCat Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 The next morning we wake up. Have sex for an hour to where he is late for work. Tells me he loves me over and over again. Kisses me goodbye and shuts the door. Only to CHANGE his phone number and never talk to me again!!!! Thankfully he transferred work locations so he is gone but I could kill him. It’s been 3 weeks and I’m still mad. How could someone that “loves” me do something so disgusting!?? Wow..that bolded line really struck me. How could HE do something so disgusting? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! You sound as if you blame him (and to some extent, her) for everything. Where's the accountability? You're not an innocent bystander - you put yourself in this situation. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Given your history with him, why on earth were you expecting him to stay with you this last time? Her emotions are swinging wildly back and forth between anger and grief - hence the attacks followed by the Spanish Inquisition. I'm sure yours are as well. You're not his girlfriend, you're his mistress..if he's truly attempting to give it a shot with his wife (which is the most likely explanation), the number change and the ghosting were probably on her list of things he had to do. 3
Beendaredonedat Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 How could someone that “loves” me do something so disgusting!?? Because he can. You are the epitome of an enabler. This time, instead of letting him hoover you back in for more down the line, why don't you get personal therapy to help you with your codependency. Enabling is a hallmark of those who are codependent in nature. Keeping on with a d-bag who will take what you are giving but won't give what you want is yet another symptom. I ask you: How could someone who loves THEMSELF allow this merry-go-round of poor behaviour for herself and how could she afflict it on someone else (his wife)? Where is your empathy for her? Get the professional guidance to help you rehab from the addiction to him you are embroiled in. It's certainly not love. 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 Two words: Trauma bond. I encourage you to read up on it. 1
heartwhole2 Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 I only say I hope “he’s” done because I’m not at a place yet where I can comfortably say that I am done. I need him to stay strong until I’m healed We can't control other people. You will need to find a path to healing that doesn't rely on his cooperation. Think about the difference between moving on because he dumps you and moving on because you have had enough and learn how to fill yourself up with self-love and protect yourself with boundaries. A therapist can help you with all of this. 2
Orokotikki Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 "breakup" but staying in contact - is just part of the intermittent reinforcement game where one is petulantly trying to goad the other into giving more ego kibbles than they have been recently, and keep the addiction part of it strong. I cannot imagine how much damage the two of you have done and continue to do to his wife. 3
mark clemson Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 (edited) This entire post is just my personal opinion: This whole thing sounds incredibly pathological. All of it starting from when they got engaged... Bring the kid to your house to meet daddy's new GF?? And then later you hung out with her for an hour???? Their marriage AND your affair both need to be put out of their misery. I agree you need to start IC. The MM and BW no doubt could use it as well. Do yourself a BIG favor and use this as the opportunity to make a clean break and walk away. Do whatever it takes to not let him pull you back in. With time and IC, work on getting yourself to a place where you'll have room in your life for something resembling a healthy relationship. Hopefully without you as a crutch, he'll find the courage to do what he should do and end his marriage. But that doesn't matter. End it for you and let them worry about them. Edited June 25, 2019 by mark clemson
Author Scarlet86 Posted June 25, 2019 Author Posted June 25, 2019 (edited) @mark clemson.... It has been a nightmare. I don’t even know who I am anymore. And yes he’s been a pathological liar about all of this. He has went as far to tell her that I made up all of our text messages in an app. And says that all of this has been my idea. Which thankfully I’ve had screenshots to back everything up. That it’s him telling me how beautiful I will look on our wedding day etc. it’s been a lot. Edited July 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
SpiceCat Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 (edited) ....And yes he’s been a pathological liar about all of this. He has went as far to tell her that I made up all of our text messages in an app. And says that all of this has been my idea. .... What about your own bad behavior? What about your own poor morals? What about your willingness to accept him treating you like garbage and then welcome him back with open arms? I still see zero accountability here. Do you understand that you and you alone are the cause of your own misery here? Edited July 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Turning point Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 I need him to stay strong until I’m healed He is not the thing from which you need to be healed. Stop chasing the unavailable. You can't turn a dead end street into a through way by repeatedly hurling yourself at it. 2
mark clemson Posted June 26, 2019 Posted June 26, 2019 It has been a nightmare. I don’t even know who I am anymore. And yes he’s been a pathological liar about all of this. He has went as far to tell her that I made up all of our text messages in an app. And says that all of this has been my idea. Which thankfully I’ve had screenshots to back everything up. That it’s him telling me how beautiful I will look on our wedding day etc. it’s been a lot. Make it simple. Walk away. It's easier said than done, no doubt (and I have some idea myself) but it can be done... 1
Author Scarlet86 Posted July 27, 2019 Author Posted July 27, 2019 We are almost into week 8 of NC. While cleaning I have a pile of some of his stuff. Nothing valuable but shoes, clothes etc. Every other breakup I have brought his things to work and put them on his car. This time he now works about 45 min from here. I started therapy last week but we haven’t talked about what to do with his things yet. Should I: A. Burn them B. Drive them the 45 min when I find myself in the area C. Donate D. Leave on his porch. Yes I know where they live but not sure about this What would you do?
mark clemson Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 Good job on the NC. Suggestion would be to find a way to return them without breaking NC if at all possible. If you can't, minimize contact as much as possible (and be resolved from the start of it to minimize contact). My two cents. GL and nice going IMO...
Naivewomen Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 IMO if he hasnt come looking for them I would donate them. Do not find a way to give then to him. It's his problem! Hes done enough damage. 1
Beentheretoooften Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 Sell them on eBay. Maybe he’ll buy them 2
anika99 Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 He doesn't give a damn about that stuff and you know it. If drive it to his work or home it will only be because you want to stir up some drama and get attention. If the stuff is donation worthy then donate it, otherwise toss it in the garbage. 2
FMW Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 Trash them or burn them. Leaving them on his car or at his house would be seeking a response from him, and/or trying to cause trouble. Be honest with yourself about that.
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