Is everyone on dating sites looking for a hookup?

[Ami1uwant]

No. Even when I was on Tinder I had plenty of guys talk respectively to me.

 

I think you are exaggerating.

 

It depends on what profile pics you have.

[Ami1uwant]

I have had 20 years experience on and off with OLD. Half the time I was in ltrs

 

When I started it was more of a cult. Users didn’t want to reveal how they net peop,e to family. Users were seriously looking. This also was before texting was common. You’d communicated by calling and via emails or instant messaging. Sexting was not something done early. Of course you might do some sexual inneundo jokes to push the envelope and see what interest level. You might talk a few times before first date.

 

After my marriage I used ehatmony and match and other sites. My preference was foreharmony over match. I found match was similar to walking up to a girl in a bar and hitting on her. That never worked for me. The times I had good bar meetings was when conversation started naturally.

 

I had many dates from eharmony. Many were 1-2 dates and others were short relationships. A couple lasted more than a yr.

 

Part of the issue with online dating sites can be found in economics and selection or choices made.

 

Say you are at a store and someone is giving samples for you to try. Research has found if you limit selections to 3-5 people will choose and they will return for more. You have 10+ thry get overwhelmed and walk away because they can’t decide,

 

Similarly there are two types of shoppers..maxim users and satisfyiers. Some can be both depending on what they are shopping for. Someone who is a satisfied csn go to one store find something that’s good enough and buy. A maximized May see something thry like in one store but want yo check out all the mall stores before deciding. The risk on the maximized is the deal they saw and liked and put back could be gone when they go back.

 

You see the same behavior in dating sites. People looking for that fantasy so thry pass over the 80% matches wanting the 99% thry May not even exist.

 

Over the years has society has accepted online as an option the new users are too picky or want that unrealistic natch or aren’t serious about it.

[Ruby Slippers]

In my experience at least 80% of the men on dating sites turned the conversation sexual before ever meeting... so I dropped them. My pics were always demure and conservative and I still got this crap. It's a big part of the reason I've pretty much lost all interest in meeting someone through a dating site, no plans to return.

 

I wish men looking for hookups would stick to the obvious hookup sites and leave decent women alone. But desperate guys will try anything.

[The Outlaw]

Most guys I’ve talked to just come right out and say it. Others start off with normal conversation and reel you in before slipping it in there saying things like “I’m laying in my bed naked right now” or “I’m about to get in the shower and wish you could join me.” They claim they are looking for a serious long term relationship and yet they say things like this to a total stranger? I must have blocked at least 50 or more guys by now.

 

Am I being too picky? Or is this just what dating has become these days?

 

No, you're not. But to some, a quick and easy lay gives is easier than having a committed relationship and it gives the rest of us a bad name. (Excuse the blunt answer, but that's how a lot of people are these days anyway.) If I were on a dating website, that'd be what I was there for. A date. Perhaps something more serious. But I prefer the old fashioned way of meeting people, face to face. Online dating wouldn't be my thing.

[Shining One]

I wish men looking for hookups would stick to the obvious hookup sites and leave decent women alone. But desperate guys will try anything.

Are you implying that women who want hookups are not decent?

 

As for the site delineation by purpose, that goes both ways. After all, it was women who started the "I'm not here for hookups" trend on Tinder, the site originally made for hookup purposes.

[Shining One]

While I don't use the lines quoted in the original post, I do insert sex into the conversation. Historically, I was far too patient when it came to the topic of sex and I was burned repeatedly as a result. Now, ensuring sexual interest is a priority for me. Even when I'm looking for a long term relationship, this is a priority. I don't want to go 10+ dates with a woman only for to tell me she wants to be friends, has no sexual interest in me, etc.

[b1a6]

I wouldn't say that every guy who mentions sex before meeting in person is necessarily just looking to hook up. If they ask you to send nudes or to come over to their place on the first date, I would say that is disrespectful and wouldn't continue talking to them (at least for a girl who does not appear to be looking for hookups on her profile). If they suggest a real date and do some mild sexual flirting (like that guy's shower comment) I wouldn't just assume he's a f***-boy.

[d0nnivain]

The early introduction of a sexual component is not a bad thing. It does become problematic when the comments are crude -- requests for nudes or worse the OP sending you unsolicited nudes.

 

If a guy pushes the envelope too far too early, I will steer him back to a place I'm comfortable but if he continues to push the boundaries I have set, he crosses over into disrespectful. Unwelcome conduct should not be tolerated.

[bluesfan]

The early introduction of a sexual component is not a bad thing. It does become problematic when the comments are crude -- requests for nudes or worse the OP sending you unsolicited nudes.

 

If a guy pushes the envelope too far too early, I will steer him back to a place I'm comfortable but if he continues to push the boundaries I have set, he crosses over into disrespectful. Unwelcome conduct should not be tolerated.

 

 

Did you see my thread about this a few post down?

[DrNo1962]

Have multiple friends get married off dating apps.

 

It's a case-by-case, not a universal rule.

[chillii]

While I don't use the lines quoted in the original post, I do insert sex into the conversation. Historically, I was far too patient when it came to the topic of sex and I was burned repeatedly as a result. Now, ensuring sexual interest is a priority for me. Even when I'm looking for a long term relationship, this is a priority. I don't want to go 10+ dates with a woman only for to tell me she wants to be friends, has no sexual interest in me, etc.

 

 

 

 

l couldn't even begin to understand how you could see someone 10 times and just not know that obviously it is that kinda thing or it isn't. Once or twice would be plenty. Can't imagine why you would even need to bring up anything sexual verbally , sounds bizarre, l'm 50s and l've never done that or needed to in my life.

Edited June 25, 2019 by chillii

[bluesfan]

I guess I should start talking pervy when I send a message? Seems that works based on what you ladies are saying.

[elaine567]

@bluesfan

I doubt anyone here is suggesting "talking pervy" is a good thing...

[salparadise]

I must have blocked at least 50 or more guys by now.

 

I’m just looking to get to know someone first outside of the bedroom.

 

Cora dear, do you seriously not get how stuff works? Do you think there has to be a different species who goes on the dating site thinking, "I heard of a gal named Cora, and I'm just dying to get to know her... hopefully she'll be okay with the fact that I'm not into sex. I just have these unrelenting urges to shower her with attention, buy her sh*t, and tell her how awesome she is"?

 

Well, sorry to be the one to break the news, but if it weren't for being insatiably horny there just wouldn't be any motivation. The one thing you should assume about men on a dating sites, or those with a pulse... getting laid is high priority. This is true beginning about thirty minutes after the last time they got laid.

 

But even if you could find a guy who is either asexual or mostly ambivalent, is that what you'd want? Do you not want to be desired sexually in addition to dining in fancy restaurants and taking selfies on the Champs-Élysées? What if you had to beg and plead for a poke on the rare occasion that you really need it, and he says, "eh, check back in a month or two and maybe I'll be in the mood."

 

Testosterone is a good thing. You just need to learn how to play the game. They dangle interest in a relationship, would it really be so terrible to play along as if you were interested in sex too?

[Ruby Slippers]

My sex drive is and always has been through the roof, but I still don't want anything to do with a guy who's talking about sex with me before we've even met. It gives off from the man an air of desperation to put it in anything, and no woman wants to be that receptacle.

 

Women know that men want to have sex. DUH. You don't have to say it to a perfect stranger.

 

The female equivalent of a man trying to feel out a woman on sex before they've even met is her asking about his salary or net worth. Tacky, desperate, no class. He and she would both deserve to be dropped like a hot potato.

[spiderowl]

Yes, quite a few are looking for hook-ups. Some are looking for more but don't realise it; they just feel attraction and haven't thought ahead. If you date someone who behaves decently over messages, then don't sleep with him. Get to know him and date him if he wants to. Give both of you chance to know each other before taking that step.

 

If you are too available they will lose interest. Yes, sadly it's true.

 

There are guys online who are not really there to date, especially on free dating sites. They are there to chat and fantasise about what they would like to do to a woman. They want you to join in with their fantasising and add a bit of your own to it. Yes, this is sleazy and disrespectful behaviour when you are not saying that you would like that too. These guys will often start out with 'I'm here in my pjs' or 'just got into bed' or 'are you in bed?'. They are not serious about a relationship, only in getting off before they sleep.

 

Once you learn the signs, you can get rid of the sleazy guys and learn more about the more respectful ones. You are the one who needs to pace things; guys will generally go as far as you let them. Once they know where you stand, it is a relief to them to have some guidelines as well as you. Guys need emotional intimacy too, they are just overwhelmed by the physical drive initially.

Edited June 25, 2019 by spiderowl

[Iris The Butterfly]

Most guys I’ve talked to just come right out and say it. Others start off with normal conversation and reel you in before slipping it in there saying things like “I’m laying in my bed naked right now” or “I’m about to get in the shower and wish you could join me.” They claim they are looking for a serious long term relationship and yet they say things like this to a total stranger? I must have blocked at least 50 or more guys by now.

 

Am I being too picky? Or is this just what dating has become these days?

 

Cora, I can relate. I hated OLD for this same reason. But if you are using Tinder or any other site known to be used for hookups in the past or present... the first thing you can do to eliminate this is to not use those sites. I don't care if people know people who got married off Tinder... there are too many guys looking for hookups, maybe girls too, who knows. Sure, there are probably some nice people on there too who are genuinely looking for a long term relationship. But if they are, 1) you have to weed through a sea of tools to find them, and 2) they would never say anything like that. The people who say they're looking for a relationship and talk sex with you before even meeting are straight up lying. Solution? Stop using dating sites geared towards superficial hookups and you will no longer have this problem.

[Iris The Butterfly]

The "join me in the shower" isnt that bad, you really dont need to write him off completely just because of this one remark. You could just divert the topic to something else. So he may get the hint that this is not something you want to engage in. So he may learn to talk to you the way you like

 

Oh and in my book, any sexual talk before we even meet is very inappropriate and I would TOTALLY block someone who said that to me. Like, 'who da fuq do you think you are asking me to join you in the shower?!' No, it's not ok. Cora, you don't have to lower your standards to date. We all want sex, not just men. Women date for the same reason, we also want sex in addition to all the other good stuff like love and romance and attention, affection, companionship. We all have the same exact desires. But in no way shape or form does it excuse anyone for being a jerk and inappropriate and disrespectful. Men who prey on women who explicitly state they're looking for a relationship are doing it because they're trying to cast the widest net possible I guess. Seems cruel to me too, it used to happen to me.

 

Even a good guy in real life would NEVER make sexual comments early on, because he's trying to make a good impression and doesn't want to scare the girl off. Hiding behind a screen does not excuse poor behavior. It's like a guy you met in real life calling to pick you up for your first date barely knowing each other yet, and he says something like, "I'll be over soon, I'm getting in the shower. Care to join me?" Come on. It's just rude and immature.

 

It shows you what they're after with you. If you want a real, serious, for real relationship where sex is actually secondary to getting to know YOU, you won't even think to accept poor behavior like this.

Edited June 26, 2019 by littlebridge

[frus69]

Oh and in my book, any sexual talk before we even meet is very inappropriate and I would TOTALLY block someone who said that to me. Like, 'who da fuq do you think you are asking me to join you in the shower?!' .

 

"Join me in the shower" is not quite sexual talk, borderline. (It's not like "I'm imagining you naked").I can imagine some guys say that when they are really just trying to tell the woman "im very attracted to you". And to say they arent good men just for that one remark, is harsh and unfair, especially if they are pretty polite and respectful otherwise. Sometimes, guys are clueless what women want to hear.

 

If you have an abundance of men to choose from, the you can afford to be as picky and quick to judge as you want. But if you dont, then chill a bit and give some men another chance.

[elaine567]

Sometimes, guys are clueless what women want to hear.

 

Maybe, but Cora doesn't want or need a "clueless" one.

[frus69]

Every guy is clueless bout something when it comes to women. If she doesn't want that then she can stay single and happy forever

[elaine567]

If she doesn't want that then she can stay single and happy forever

 

That is a false dichotomy.

[Iris The Butterfly]

"Join me in the shower" is not quite sexual talk, borderline. (It's not like "I'm imagining you naked").I can imagine some guys say that when they are really just trying to tell the woman "im very attracted to you". And to say they arent good men just for that one remark, is harsh and unfair, especially if they are pretty polite and respectful otherwise. Sometimes, guys are clueless what women want to hear.

 

If you have an abundance of men to choose from, the you can afford to be as picky and quick to judge as you want. But if you dont, then chill a bit and give some men another chance.

 

Umm.. I consider it sexual, very much so. What do you think is going to happen in the shower? I didn't mean that they are 'bad' people. Just rude and/or immature.

 

Look, if you're ok with men you don't know telling you that stuff, more power to you. For me, and from what I'm reading for Cora, this kind of stuff isn't ok. There's really something to be said for manners. And there's a million other ways to say I think you're attractive than suggesting or talking sex. I have also blocked and cut people off for talking sex or anything near it before even meeting. Shoot, even my bf who I met online... we talked for weeks, he never said anything sexual to me before we met, even after! The first time he ever made any kind of sexual reference at all was in the moments before we first had sex. I already knew he was attracted to me because he was respectfully able to communicate that without making crude sexual references. Actually one time I think before we met he did send a "rare gym selfie" showing off his nice chest. I told him something like, "you look great, but I'm not impressed by shirtless photos" and he backpedaled a bit. I put the boundary that it's not appropriate at this point for you to be sending me shirtless pics. Maybe I'm a little more prude than other women who OLD but I can say that no one has ever dared send me a di&* pic. They had to have known I wouldn't put up with that.

 

Back in my OLD days.. ugh... hated it.... this one guy kept messaging me and asked to meet. I was on and off and not really interested in him but finally agreed to. But before I did he asked me to send "body pics" so he could get a better view if he would be attracted to me. I was so put off. I said, "All my pics online are current, here's my IG if you want to browse. I don't look any different than any of the pics you can see." He asked me to go into detail describing my figure. I thought I was pretty descriptive and told him he will see me in person. He said he didn't want to waste time meeting someone he wasn't attracted to. I was thinking, "F off, dude". He got annoyed because I wouldn't send a "body pic" meaning he wanted to see skin. You can clearly see my figure in my photos. F that. No. Blocked and deleted immediately. I get it that some people want to know they're meeting someone who looks like their pictures but I've seen it so many times... men use hiding behind the screen just to act badly. Even if you don't have an abundance to choose from, you shouldn't lower your standards.

Edited June 26, 2019 by littlebridge

[bluesfan]

Umm.. I consider it sexual, very much so. What do you think is going to happen in the shower? I didn't mean that they are 'bad' people. Just rude and/or immature.

 

Look, if you're ok with men you don't know telling you that stuff, more power to you. For me, and from what I'm reading for Cora, this kind of stuff isn't ok. There's really something to be said for manners. And there's a million other ways to say I think you're attractive than suggesting or talking sex. I have also blocked and cut people off for talking sex or anything near it before even meeting. Shoot, even my bf who I met online... we talked for weeks, he never said anything sexual to me before we met, even after! The first time he ever made any kind of sexual reference at all was in the moments before we first had sex. I already knew he was attracted to me because he was respectfully able to communicate that without making crude sexual references. Actually one time I think before we met he did send a "rare gym selfie" showing off his nice chest. I told him something like, "you look great, but I'm not impressed by shirtless photos" and he backpedaled a bit. I put the boundary that it's not appropriate at this point for you to be sending me shirtless pics. Maybe I'm a little more prude than other women who OLD but I can say that no one has ever dared send me a di&* pic. They had to have known I wouldn't put up with that.

 

Back in my OLD days.. ugh... hated it.... this one guy kept messaging me and asked to meet. I was on and off and not really interested in him but finally agreed to. But before I did he asked me to send "body pics" so he could get a better view if he would be attracted to me. I was so put off. I said, "All my pics online are current, here's my IG if you want to browse. I don't look any different than any of the pics you can see." He asked me to go into detail describing my figure. I thought I was pretty descriptive and told him he will see me in person. He said he didn't want to waste time meeting someone he wasn't attracted to. I was thinking, "F off, dude". He got annoyed because I wouldn't send a "body pic" meaning he wanted to see skin. You can clearly see my figure in my photos. F that. No. Blocked and deleted immediately. I get it that some people want to know they're meeting someone who looks like their pictures but I've seen it so many times... men use hiding behind the screen just to act badly. Even if you don't have an abundance to choose from, you shouldn't lower your standards.

 

So I should keep pestering them until they reply?

[frus69]

Umm.. I consider it sexual, very much so. What do you think is going to happen in the shower? I didn't mean that they are 'bad' people. Just rude and/or immature.

 

 

Oh come on. this is obviously a joke and he really isnt expecting you to ACTUALLY join him in the shower. Gee..do you take every banter that seriously?

 

Dating is fun so really, lighten up. This one can easily be replied with some lighthearted flirt "maybe after our 10th date ;)", but not "OMG WTH what did you just say?!". If I were a guy, I'd be so turned off by women who are so uptight.

 

Of course there are guys who dont talk sexually early on, I have met plenty of them even on Tinder. But god knows why OP only meets the sexual ones. But like I said, if she has a lot of choices, she can be however picky she wants. Otherwise, she really should chill a bit and not think one little off remark is enough a deal breaker. If the guy keeps talking dirty of course it's not ok. But if it's just once, and not too over the line, let it go.

Edited June 27, 2019 by frus69