Author FLone37 Posted June 24, 2019 Author Posted June 24, 2019 You know what's worse than wasting 7.5 months with this guy? -- wasting 7.5 months plus 1 day. End it now or you will be looking back on years of unhappiness. And, if you want children, is this the role model and relationship model you want to give give them? It's actually been 3.5 years now. Way too long and way too many chances. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 Go to the Al-Anon meetings. They will help. You love a broken person. When he's sober & good he's probably charismatic & charming. he's probably said he was sorry & has been really sweet after all the bad violent outburst. You want to believe the good things so you hang on, wait & hope. Only you can break this destructive cycle. Al-Anon will help you do this. 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 This is just one of four red flags which I'm seeing with him. 1. Drinks heavily 2. Bad temper 3. Takes no personal responsibility for being dumped due to cheating 4. Wants ex more than he wants you. Is this really the type of guy you'd choose to marry? Have you been on the receiving end of his temper? If you marry, would you be bringing any children to live with you? We don’t know if he cheated or he has a very jealous ex wife who said stuff. Maybe thry still have kids and she didn’t like the gf so she rnd the relationship. His text to his friend seems to confirm his side thst he didn’t actually cheat...or if he did cheat it either was early on before they got into s ltir. Ask many peop,e if they didn’t get married or had a short marriage and thry are in their mid 40s or early 50s and thry were asked to look back at almost 30 years of relationship if there was one you could redo or have a second chance to do agsin I bet 90% would say yes they had one. Sometimes it coukd be based on timing in a relationship and where you are in life. I had one of these I could have perused but didn’t because I was st a point of my life where I was going to be moving after finishing college while she wasn’t going to do that so I didn’t persue it but could have. So I wonder how my life would have been like.
ChatroomHero Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 I'm in the camp that while snooping shows a lack of trust, the ends justify the means. Let's face it, anyone you date you take at face value and what they tell you and you have no idea how honest or faithful they are, so I figure not fully trusting someone is normal. Not trusting someone to the point that you continually snoop or try to set them up without any validation that they are not being honest is another story. In my opinion, once you find the validation of what you suspect however you found out is no longer an issue. OP stated earlier that she is really in love with who she wants this guy to be and has overlooked who he really is. He's the guy where the grass is always greener. He is violent and a liar. It's time to stop pretending he is something he is not just so you can feel comfortable. If I was with a woman and found the same text, I would think (actually know) that at some point everything would seem to be going great and then one day she would walk in and say, "Hey, how's it going? It's over, take care" and that is not any way to live, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any time you find yourself saying, "I know I should leave him for X number of reasons, but I don't because I love him", 100% you should move on.
kendahke Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 So it's not like he treated her great. Seems like he hasn't treated any of his exes very great. and it looks like he doesn't treat you very well, either, going by the fact that he reaches for lies first with everyone, including you.
kendahke Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 I have no excuse for staying so long other than that I love him. But do you love yourself more? Do you like the person you've had to become in order to have him in your life?
Lotsgoingon Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 That's a lot of drama you're reporting. I mean, Lord, I do NOT want all those details of someone I'm planning to marry. If only half of the drama is true, this guy is a complicated, roving-eye mess. The ruthless question: did you have a sense before you discovered the texts about his ex gf ... that you were working really hard in the relationship to hold things together and to see him in the best possible light? I sense you have been working really hard and that letting this guy go ... with save you tons of energy. 1
preraph Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 He hasn't treated any of them great because he's not a great guy or even close. You need to take a hard look at yourself and ask why you don't think you deserve more than a bad tempered lying alcoholic who cheats! Seriously, your emotions make no sense. He's not done anything to deserve your loyalty like this. What is in your background that would make you put up with this? Is it familiar to you from your own family growing up?
crispytoast Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 You already know you need to leave him. I hope for your personal safety that you do. He is extremely abusive and dangerous. His actions just in the past month are bordering on domestic violence. Please find the strength to leave him. Start documenting the things he does and if he causes problems when you kick his ass to the curb, file for a restraining order. Please take care of yourself. *Hugs*
elaine567 Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 Leaving a violent and abusive guy is the most dangerous time for a woman. Be aware and take no chances. Enlist friends and family or get professional help. 2
Author FLone37 Posted June 24, 2019 Author Posted June 24, 2019 He hasn't treated any of them great because he's not a great guy or even close. You need to take a hard look at yourself and ask why you don't think you deserve more than a bad tempered lying alcoholic who cheats! Seriously, your emotions make no sense. He's not done anything to deserve your loyalty like this. What is in your background that would make you put up with this? Is it familiar to you from your own family growing up? Sadly, yes. My father was an alcoholic who beat and cheated on my mom many times in our childhood. It's very deeply embedded in me to love someone like that. My dad had good qualities too. I did go into counseling about 6 months into my relationship because we argued and broke up and made up so much. I thought everything was my fault so I saw a counselor for almost a year. Like all of you, he told me to get out because my man's issues brought out my issues. I just could never stay away from him very long because it truly felt like I would rather die. I do know I can no longer stay. As another poster said, every day I will wonder if it will be the day his ex contacts him and the door is opened. I do deserve better and the sad part is I probably would have kept in it if not for what he said about his ex. But now I can't be secure and believe we are building a life with this insecurity looming. And I know there are many reasons not to stay even without that. The drinking, temper, accusing me of being a lesbian if I see my friends, calling me a whore when we argue, etc, etc. There's plenty without the ex insecurity. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 If your best friend or sister came to you with this story, you'd tell them to get away from this clown, yes? Be your own best friend . . .
Poutrew Posted June 24, 2019 Posted June 24, 2019 Am I right in thinking that the house you are in right now is yours? Bought and paid for? When you break up with him, he will probably get destructive. Make sure if he does to call the police on him. Document the damage and then get a restraining order on his ass so he can't come back to the home. Also make sure he pays for the damages, not you. If he gets nasty, do not put yourself in harms way - that is what the police are for. Let him see how they will react if he goes ballistic on them... consequences can be a *itch.
Beendaredonedat Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 (edited) I guess I love too much and put up with too much. But being just someone he is settling for hurts in a worse way than dealing with his drinking and anger issues. I haven't ignored the warnings, I just tried to work through them out of love because I thought we could find our way out of the bad times. But we can't find our way out of his heart having another inside. It's the most terrible feeling knowing I could keep trying to make a life with a man who could leave at the drop of a hat. Then why don't you just leave this abusive ass-hat and be done with it? Please get help for your enabling codependency and learn what its like to love yourself enough to quickly get away from near animals like him. You have to learn to BELIEVE that you deserve better than what you are getting. That will take the help of a therapist proficient in codependency issues and who is aware of the concept of nurturing your inner child because you as a youngster missed out on that due to your alcoholic father and abused and enabling mother. You are a prize that any man should want to love and cherish. Learn to believe that, luv. Edited June 25, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
Author FLone37 Posted June 25, 2019 Author Posted June 25, 2019 Am I right in thinking that the house you are in right now is yours? Bought and paid for? When you break up with him, he will probably get destructive. Make sure if he does to call the police on him. Document the damage and then get a restraining order on his ass so he can't come back to the home. Also make sure he pays for the damages, not you. If he gets nasty, do not put yourself in harms way - that is what the police are for. Let him see how they will react if he goes ballistic on them... consequences can be a *itch. You are absolutely correct. The house is mine. Mortgaged, but mine. Everything inside bought by me. Yes, when we have argued and I tell him to leave he tries to destroy whatever he can. We went to dinner tonight after I got my new hood on my car. He drove home and pulled into the garage way too fast. He knows that scares me because he could run into a number of things. And I'm ultra sensitive since I just paid 655 to replace my hood which he damaged. I got upset and asked that he not drive into the garage that fast. He started calling me a bitch and being so mean. He said from now on he won't drive my piece of s**t. I started crying and asked why he's so angry and hateful to me. He said I've made him mental. He asked why I was crying and said I disgust him when I cry over stupid s**t. I said I was crying because he's become so cruel to me. He left me sitting on the lanai crying. Tomorrow he's out of here. Im packing his things while he is at work. I wont attempt to kick him out while he is here. He will do major damage. 1
FMW Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 Maybe have a big guy be present when he comes home and finds he's been moved out. Depending on their willingness, maybe a local police officer. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 Then you would do well to have someone immediately change the locks and have the police there (or some form of masculine security) to escort him off your property should he get violent. Don't boot him out when you are there alone. In fact, you should probably call an abused woman's hot line and get some professional advice on how to go about this. Here is a link to get you started: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm Be careful, be smart, be safe.
Author FLone37 Posted June 25, 2019 Author Posted June 25, 2019 Then you would do well to have someone immediately change the locks and have the police there (or some form of masculine security) to escort him off your property should he get violent. Don't boot him out when you are there alone. In fact, you should probably call an abused woman's hot line and get some professional advice on how to go about this. Here is a link to get you started: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm Be careful, be smart, be safe. He has a storage unit which I have a key to. I plan to move his things there before he gets off work. I'll take his key to him at his job and get my house key and garage opener. His style isn't to come around. He stays away from the house. I definitely won't throw him out while he's here again. I might not have a single belonging left intact. He never hurts me. The only time I get hurt is if I try to stop him from breaking things. I'll do this the smart way this time. 1
The Outlaw Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 Your choice, but given his history of cheating, I really wouldn't count on anything really serious for too long, if ever. If I were seeing someone and she said she'd get back with her ex if she could to me, not only would it raise countless red flags and I not trust her, she'd probably be out the door. I'm too old for BS. But given what he said to you, it's always going to bother you if he's with someone else when he isn't around. Period.
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 I'll take his key to him at his job and get my house key and garage opener. I'd just be concerned he's made a copy of your house key. Not sure but what I wouldn't have the locks changed.
preraph Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 The reason you feel comfortable with him is because you had to adjust and how to cope with a lot of his traits growing up. so in a way it's comforting to you because on some level you're thinking I know what to say to him about this because I've been here done that. The problem is you need to break this cycle. Until you become hyper aware of your part in this you are going to continue to let bad men in. just because someone has a glimmer of good in them doesn't mean anyone should have to live with them and put up with their abuse. There are many people you can love but not live with or be with. you have a high level of tolerance for all the things that come with alcoholism and abuse. So you overlooked the first red flags that most women would turn around and walk away from because compared to what you've already seen and know-how to cope with they are not that big in your mind. The problem is when you let people stay when you already know there's red flags, that's how you end up with bad people and only bad people. You need to continue therapy and you need to start having standards. You are in a heap of trouble right now and you could be a much worse. you're better off alone than with a man like that. And I shudder to think of anyone bringing children into that environment. It would just be unethical and cruel. 3
kendahke Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 I'll take his key to him at his job and get my house key and garage opener. Just call a locksmith and have him change your locks. Go to Sears and find out how to switch out the remote unit in your opener so you don't have to even bother with him--because he's not going to give you the opener. If I was really serious about being done with him, I'd avoid having any contact whatsoever with him and just go about replacing everything with new so he has no fingerprint on anything.
smackie9 Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 We know how difficult it is emotionally to break away. He's going to do everything to manipulate you, guilt you, and slam you emotionally because of it. Be strong, you need to do this. We are here to support you Let us know how you are doing, and by all means come here if you need some words of strength to get you through this. 2
preraph Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 He's going to gaslight you. Read about it so you can stop it when he starts it.
Juha Posted June 25, 2019 Posted June 25, 2019 If I were you I would go to the police and talk with someone there who handles domestic situations and explain that you are kicking him out and you do not feel safe for yourself or your property. The police will make sure they have an officer there for this and to talk with him and explain he needs to never come around or bother you again or he will be arrested. I have friends who are cops and they have seen this exact situation many times I am happy for you and wish you the best 2
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