Khaysha92 Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 I've started dating a guy who is not my normal type but who I genuinely really like, however he is soo busy with work and friends we rarely see each other. This guy earns Alot more money than me and is clearly afraid of being used for his money to the point he unjustifiably reffered to me as a gold digger in the past which did not go down well with me and he had to practicly beg me to talk to him again. Hes always abroad with work or for lesuire and I have been complaining we don't see each other enough and I've had enough so he recently asked if I want to join him in Thailand providing I pay for my own plane ticket which is roughly £600. I've told him I can't afford that so I won't be going, to which he basicly shrugged. I felt abit insulted and few days later asked him how he felt our relationship would move forward if he didn't want to pay for our join activities? Becuase I can't afford to keep up with the activities he wants to do. This year alone he's going on 4 luxury long haul holidays and he won't go to go places I can afford like Europe, he once made a comment that he only went to places with private beach's as he didn't want to holiday with chavs etc... He said if we became serious we could come to an arrangement where he pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3 etc... During this conversation I asked him how much he earns and it turns out its about 10x what I make, to which he said "**** how do you live on that". I told him maybe he needs to date somebody who earns a simular wage to him but he said he wants us to continue seeing each other and see how it goes, but I just don't see how it will work if he's going to be so tight... I'm trying to be sensitive to his aversion to being used for money and I 100% get it. However considering my income I can't and never will be able afford to contribute fairly or even 1/3 if he wants to get on 4 holidays a year. Aibu to expect him to pay for the whole or majority of plane ticket? Do you think he will be more understand now he knows how little I earn?
jspice Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 You clearly have two different lifestyles. Money is a huge thing to differ on. My sister is married to a man like this. She’s always worked but due to his job, had to move to a place where she couldn’t find a full time job for three years. It continued to be his money. My sister obviously loves him but if I could wave a magic wand, I’d wave him away. You shouldn’t expect him to pay for a ticket to Thailand. If you can’t afford it and he’s just shrugged his shoulders, then you can’t go. He can’t have it both ways. You tried to end it ( albeit halfheartedly) so what would he like for you to do? End it before you become too invested. 2
chillii Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 (edited) Personally l'm thinking there's a lot more at stake long term. Unfortunately two totally different lifestyles two totally different people. Even going locally eventually and paying a 3rd it would just get too much and gobble up everything before long, like who can afford to get away 4 or 5times a year on an ordinary wage. ironically women worry about earning more even more than he does there's threads every week from women and the topic comes up a lot too. Always the same worried about parting with a dollar, shouting him all the time, affording a different lifestyle to him and bla bla . So while to me sure l'd be very cautious about being used, on the other hand truth is l really couldn't care less if as a guy l had to pay for stuff, but that's me and l know from attitudes out there it doesn't go both ways. ln your sitch well first of all l don't like his attitude much but at the same time that's women all over anyway and people with money in general, all over. But moreso , you sound like totally different people and lifestyles anyway sorry to say. Edited June 23, 2019 by chillii
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 Not only are your incomes totally different, your mentalities and values are totally different. I personally could not date a man who felt he was so above me. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 Drop this joker A guy that wants a woman to pay her share is one thing and doesn’t necessarily make a bad guy But the fact he won’t compromise on where you go together so you can pay your share comfortably without putting a strain on you is very inconsiderate Stop arguing with him. Its his money. A man that’s your boyfriend or trying to be your boyfriend should want to be considerate and giving on his own...he does not. He has his own reasons that’s understandable but the refusal to go places that’s affordable shows selfishness, unwilling to compromise, and lack of care for your well being. That ain’t what you want homie. Not what you want or need in a partner at all. Y’all are incompatible. Let it go. 4
elaine567 Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 Who is he going with on these expensive holidays?
The Outlaw Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 At this point in time, I think he isn't willing to understand that you can't do or go everywhere he wants to. It's best to drop him and find someone that you're more compatible with.
Gaeta Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 Don't get into debt to follow this clown around. When one partner earns much more than the other the expenses should be shared in proportion. If he earns 100K and you earn 25K then you pay 25% of the expenses. If he wants to see you then you should pay 25% of this ticket. If he doesn't mind that you find yourself in financial difficulties because of his selfish rules then he's not worth dating. 2
FMW Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 I don't think anyone should ever expect anyone else to pay their way, no matter what the income disparity. But like others have said, your biggest problem here is that you have very different lifestyles. He will only do very expensive outings that clearly he has no intention of helping you do with him. If he was interested in having a real relationship with you and if he cared about having you in his life he would do more affordable outings with you or, yes, pay your way. YOU shouldn't have to be the one trying to figure out how to see him more often. You said he once referred to you unjustifiably as a gold digger. Wasn't that enough to show you who he is and what's important to him? I think I would have been so mortified I would never have wanted to talk to him again, much less spend time with him. 2
BaileyB Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 (edited) Not sure why you are wasting your time trying to make this relationship work when clearly, it’s not going to be a long term relationship for you... Two different lifestyles. Two different sets of values. No time together. He’s travelling the world, having adventures with other people... You are holding on hoping, that he will invite you along... It doesn’t seem likely. Sorry. Edited June 23, 2019 by BaileyB 1
salparadise Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 Being on a modest income means that nearly all of your money is spent on the necessities of living. You don't have the ability to choose. If he were generous and flexible he could mitigate the issue by a) cutting back on the lifestyle, and/or b) paying your way. But he isn't; instead he's hyper vigilant and has a lack of empathy for your limitations. It will be an ongoing issue, not about one plane fare. You believing that he "should" pay further exasperates the issue. The only way this would work is if he were only too happy to pay, never making you feel badly about it, and you were totally appreciative with no entitlement. Neither is the case; it's not going to work. I don't think you should ask him to buy the plane ticket. You already know that he views it as your choice when you actually have no choice. Just say you can't afford it, and when he doesn't offer, end it. 1
BaileyB Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 The only way this would work is if he were only too happy to pay, never making you feel badly about it, and you were totally appreciative with no entitlement. Neither is the case; it's not going to work. This. Well said. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 I don't fault this guy so much...I don't see him as anything more than a guy that is very clear about what he wants out of a partner...I mean, he probably sees it as he's not going to finance a partner that may not even be around in a few years, and probably had first hand knowledge of women that have cleaned guys like him out in divorce settlements.....I know guys like him...They aren't aszholes...They make it clear what the deal is up front.. You cant meet that criteria.. He has nothing to lose by continuing this, you just have to muster up the courage to realize that you wont be able to match his level of lifestyle so the decision is yours to make... Its a bit of a fantasy for a lot of women of meager means to have some rich guy sweep them up and put them in a life of luxury...Maybe that's the case here, I dunno….But it doesn't sound like this guy wants any part of that.. TFY 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 This guy is a loser, despite his high income. At this point, given that he's been sensitive about being used for money in the past, he should have several "algorithms"--scenarios--that he draw on to work through the wealth gap he faces. He can wait til the relationship gets to a certain point ... and only pay then ... he can propose more reasonable (for you), less expensive options. Instead, he proposes a trip he knows you can't afford ... then shrugs when you say you can't afford it. Total loser. He's ambivalent or he's not that into you ... or he's just socially inept. And he made the gold digger comment. Really, I think you could have shut things down then. That comments simply revealed that he has not figured out how to date people and find people who really like him. He has no figured out how to use his own wealth and not be a prisoner of his wealth. Good job on your part to be honest about finances. The problem as I see it isn't really the gap in finances. It's that this guy is clueless. He shouldn't have dated you at all if he knew he wanted you to finance expensive trips. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 You believing that he "should" pay further exasperates the issue. Believing your partner should do something isn’t exactly problematic or wrong imo Thinking they should can mean you want them to want to do an action for you because they are your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband and because they care for/love you A man may think his wife should have regular sex in a monogamous relationship. Not necessarily she should give sex because he wants it. Rather He wants the wife to want to give him sex and want to want to have sex with him. Two very different things. Expectations isn’t evil and recognizing what’s important for you to have from a partner isn’t either However What’s problematic is arguing with your partner after they clearly don’t share the same belief or made a decision you disagree with I agree that op arguing and trying to get him to see it her way is futile, causing more problems then needed, and from my point of view is actually wrong to do When you think one way is right but your partner clearly doesn’t agree you shouldn't push/force your own way. You should respect your partners free will/autonomy/desires/want to once expressed even if it works against you. So in the case of op arguing for him to pay for her after he made it clear he don’t want to is arguably disrespectful. I don’t think she is trying to be but a lot of people don’t realize the act of arguing with someone to go your way after they decide to go a different way even if the one protesting is seen by most as “right” it is actually disrespectful and intrusive to argue or persuade further imo. I did not understand this at all when I was younger myself. But I now feel like it is better to communicate what you want/need from a partner and once they make the decision you respect their yes AND their no. You can offer a solution that doesn’t disrespect their no giving them further choice or May have to walk away if they refuse to give you whats important to you but what you don’t do is continue to try to convince, shame, nag, guilt trip, talk about it, and argue. Does nothing for you and doesn’t make the person want to further give you what you want on the inside either and even if they did give it you they will be resentful. And “you” is referred to whoever that applies to not necessarily the person I’m quoting btw lol
Gretchen12 Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 Just tell him you can't afford him. He's out of your budget. Don't try to talk his price down or tell him he's unreasonable. I had a contractor give me an outrageous estimate on a bathroom remodeling project. What he quoted me was way higher than what I'm ready to pay, that I knew we'll never agree on a price no matter what. This guy is who he is. Don't try to negotiate. You won't come to an agreement. 2
stillafool Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 He's out of your league. I imagine he knows this too and doesn't care to down size his plans to fit your budget. Not compatible. Let this guy go and find someone more compatible. It isn't his job to finance your trips. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 I totally get this guy. Why should he pay for someone that is earning 10 times less? Why are you earning so little? I just don't see why people that have scarified everything to work their a$$ off and are now enjoying the fruits of their labors - should pay proportional to their income. Also one of the reasons I don't date anymore. Others have sat on their couch while being "comfortable" and are now expecting a lifestyle upgrade or 2 while doing no work? Sheeh. This guy is smart. The way I see it, expenses should always be shared 50/50. If you are earning so little, find someone on your level. Only once marriage occurs and woman stays home to raise children (for example) should a guy foot the bill. In early dating stages? Haha. No way. 2
preraph Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 Rich people don't get rich by pouring all their money into women they're dating. They have to hang onto their money not spend it all to get rich. Do not spend more money than you can afford to and like you said, maybe you just aren't the right fitand he needs someone who makes more money than you do. these problems would be much more minor if you weren't trying to date long distance which next to never works out.
amaysngrace Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 He doesn’t care about you and doesn’t sound like he even has the capacity to. Go find someone better than him and good luck to him too in finding someone better than you. You don’t sound like you’re digging for his money at all. Your concerns sound legitimate. Leave him be to figure out why all the good ones want nothing to do with him. 3
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 He doesn’t care about you and doesn’t sound like he even has the capacity to. Go find someone better than him and good luck to him too in finding someone better than you. Agree with amaysn. If he was interested in you and didn't want to pay your way (since you can't afford) he'd find simple, inexpensive ways to be with you until he at least decided if he wanted to get serious with you. Also, seems at the least clueless to me to insult a woman by referring to her as a gold digger and then try to continue to date her. Who does that? This guy is socially inept. From what you've written, despite his finances he seems low class to me. 4
Tamfana Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 --- I told him maybe he needs to date somebody who earns a simular wage to him but he said he wants us to continue seeing each other and see how it goes, but I just don't see how it will work if he's going to be so tight... I'm trying to be sensitive to his aversion to being used for money and I 100% get it. However considering my income I can't and never will be able afford to contribute fairly or even 1/3 if he wants to get on 4 holidays a year. Aibu to expect him to pay for the whole or majority of plane ticket? Do you think he will be more understand now he knows how little I earn? No. Just don't go. You can't afford it- or don't want to spend your money on things like that. Dating someone much wealthier than you can be expensive. It doesn't have to be but it very often is. I did it for a few years and it got to the point that I was going to go bust if I kept it up. I just quit doing the vacations and the high-dining several times a week. These weren't things that were part of my daily lifestyle when I met him and they weren't important to me at all. I was wasting a lot of my money on things he valued but I didn't- his lifestyle, not mine. The real revelation was that when I explained that those things weren't important to me, all hell broke loose. His lifestyle and his wealth were an essential part of how he defined himself, and I was saying I don't value what he valued. No, don't feel pressure at all to harm yourself financially because the guy you're dating has extravagant taste or an expensive lifestyle. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 I do want to add to my post #22, though. I wouldn't ever ask a guy to pay for something. If he doesn't offer I'd let it go. So I don't think you should have asked him to pay for the plane ticket.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 23, 2019 Posted June 23, 2019 The core issue is that he doesn't see you as trustworthy, long-term material. The fact that he already accused you of being a gold-digger is the evidence. I've had relationships with men with plenty of money. When they see you as trustworthy wife and mother material, they don't seem to think twice about paying for dates, trips, and so on. I've never once asked a man to pay for anything. They always offer. In your case, he doesn't trust you, so is being extra protective of his money. So... what did you do to get accused of being a gold-digger? 2
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