smile Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 So I have had a great few weeks since I have been here. My last post was sometime towards the end of august. Since then I have had a few dates and my world has changed dramatically. I am still single but starting to think of ME. I dont worry every night about my ex and there are days when I would go and not even think of him. And when I did the pain seemed gone. It all seemed distant and just ok. Last sunday I was thinking about a zillion different things. I had a great weekend and was looking forward to my week ahead, trying to figure out how to get the nerve to ask out the cute boy who sold me my mattress when low and behold I get a txt. From the ex. He just types "hi" . Thats it , no more no less. And at first I looked at it and felt nothing. I turned over and went to sleep. But here I am about a week later and the feeling of it lingers. Its a mix between all of the mean things I wish I could say and this lack of energy to say it. I feel drained and angry at the same time. And that makes me cry bc I just dont know what this stuff means. Is this part of the coping stage? Is the fact that i have moved on just so new to me that its confusing and painful? Is it funny that I am now more concerned about how I feel about it instead of what he means by the txt? I miss his companionship. I want that closeness again. But I am not willing to settle. And this half a#$ed attempt at contacting me shows that I still dont mean much to him. I dont know if there is a question here. I guess I could ask what you think it means but its probably just to see if I am still around. If he can still pull the strings and get me at his beck and call. I dont even believe he wants to hurt me intentionally, I just think he is very needy but too proud to admit it so he is stuck. And yeh I worry that he is sad and lonely but that isnt my problem to solve anymore. That may sound mean but I just dont know what else to do. I just know if I answer now nothing is different. Not different enough for me and not different enough for him. Anyway thanks for reading. Just thought I 'd keep you posted.
loveisallaround Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I think you're on the right track, don't reply to his message. Feelings are fickle and tricky, they often pop up, seemingly out of nowhere and drag us down again. You sound like everything is on the up and up, don't let this situation confuse you or send you down a few notches on the ladder again. Consider it a test and push away your negative reactions.
Okeydokey Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Hi It sounds similar but not identical to what I'm going through. Ex sends e-mail saying we have tickets for a show "I would really like to go and wanted to know if you are going". NOT I want to go with you, and NOT I want to go, do you mind if I have the tickets? It is this sort of manipulative situation where they throw the ball into your court - not with any real intention of following up on it though. This is my idea of what this sort of behavior is about: 1. It keeps them in your thoughts and makes it more difficult for you to move on. 2. It provides them with the emotional support that they need (b/c they know that you will answer right away - so they know that if in fact they did need you you would be there) w/o them having to dish out any of the boyfriend/girlfriend responsibilities that go along with receiving that emotional support. 3. It reaffirms the fact that they rejected you. So, if you respond then they can ignore you again and that makes them feel like they are in control and they are the ones moving on and you are the one that can't let go b/c you responded to the contact right away and they ignored it. So, for example if I respond to ex - I'm planning on going to the show. He would answer - "then you can have the tickets" - He does the rejecting. If I respond (which I did) "its cool if you have the tickets" (he's still gotten what he wants b/c he knows I will wonder who he will go with). So, if you answer: "nice to hear from you. How are you?" He probably won't respond, but will feel good about the fact that you spent a day thinking about him. Then he'll contact again when he's worried you're not around. Just ignore it. If he really wanted contact and the follow up he would have written, "I miss you. Can we meet today at X time at X place to talk?"
loveisallaround Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Hi It sounds similar but not identical to what I'm going through. Ex sends e-mail saying we have tickets for a show "I would really like to go and wanted to know if you are going". NOT I want to go with you, and NOT I want to go, do you mind if I have the tickets? It is this sort of manipulative situation where they throw the ball into your court - not with any real intention of following up on it though. This is my idea of what this sort of behavior is about: 1. It keeps them in your thoughts and makes it more difficult for you to move on. 2. It provides them with the emotional support that they need (b/c they know that you will answer right away - so they know that if in fact they did need you you would be there) w/o them having to dish out any of the boyfriend/girlfriend responsibilities that go along with receiving that emotional support. 3. It reaffirms the fact that they rejected you. So, if you respond then they can ignore you again and that makes them feel like they are in control and they are the ones moving on and you are the one that can't let go b/c you responded to the contact right away and they ignored it. So, for example if I respond to ex - I'm planning on going to the show. He would answer - "then you can have the tickets" - He does the rejecting. If I respond (which I did) "its cool if you have the tickets" (he's still gotten what he wants b/c he knows I will wonder who he will go with). So, if you answer: "nice to hear from you. How are you?" He probably won't respond, but will feel good about the fact that you spent a day thinking about him. Then he'll contact again when he's worried you're not around. Just ignore it. If he really wanted contact and the follow up he would have written, "I miss you. Can we meet today at X time at X place to talk?" Werid! My ex did that a couple of weeks ago. Messaged me and offered tickets to a film that was screening at the festival here. Fortuntely, I was asleep and when I got up he was offline so I replied with the subtle: "Sorry! Was napping!"
georgiagirl76 Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 As you know grief/change can be cyclical and take time. Just when you think you are over the hurt or tears you hear "that song" or see "that movie." There is nothing wrong with feeling like you are unsure or out of control of your emotions. It is common for the first contact whether brought on by the ex or randomly running into them makes you feel that way. I had an ex that I didn't see or contact in 3 years and I recently saw him in a restaurant. I have been over him for a long time but it still make me feel anxious and a bit out of place. Hang in there and don't contact him. You are strong and smart. Don't worry about this minor set back- after all Cute Boy at the Matress place still needs your number!
Baz Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 Im in total agreement with what has been said already here. The contact really does stem from their own emotional inadequacies (spelling!). It certainly doesn't mean they want to start a new relationship. My exgf sent a shirt through and some pictures of our trip to Paris from one and half years ago last week. The accompanying letter finished by saying "it was good to talk to you recently and you are on my mind". At first I thought well this must be the big come on but then I thought - was I on her mind when she was shagging the latest? Look at the actions not the words. Ignore the prick and get Mr carpet man on the shag pile!
smile95 Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 1. It keeps them in your thoughts and makes it more difficult for you to move on. 2. It provides them with the emotional support that they need (b/c they know that you will answer right away - so they know that if in fact they did need you you would be there) w/o them having to dish out any of the boyfriend/girlfriend responsibilities that go along with receiving that emotional support. 3. It reaffirms the fact that they rejected you. So, if you respond then they can ignore you again and that makes them feel like they are in control and they are the ones moving on and you are the one that can't let go b/c you responded to the contact right away and they ignored it. omg this could not be any more precise!!!!!!!!
Author smile Posted September 29, 2005 Author Posted September 29, 2005 Thanks everyone for your replies. It makes things easier to know others know how I am feeling. And you guys are right, if I meant more to him he woulda made a bigger effort to see me, or even said more. It kinda sucks but its kinda cool too I guess. Its nice being single again, but when I go to bed its kinda lonely. I wish I knew how to hit on the mattress guy but I just dont know how. Any suggestions? I guess thats an other section of this website huh? But part of coping is learning how to "get back out there" .. so how do I do it? Sometimes I miss him bc we were great friends but I am not willing to allow him to treat me like crap. And I am not over him fully I dont think. Anyhooo thats all I have to say. Thanks for listening.
loveisallaround Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Want to get his attention? It's simple: Push up bra. Seriously though, you're awesome. Having respect for yourself in a world of people who seem overwhelmingly negative is a hard feat. I'm going through the same thing with my ex, the periodic messages and the bad treatment. He was my bestfriend too and it's hard to lose him. But hey! Live and let live. We won't stand around for that treatment. I sometimes feel horribly bad for not initiating conversation with him but going back to him constantly just isn't in me anymore. I might've been insecure when we first broke up, but I've been rediscovered.
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