aukonak Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 Posting here after lurking for years off and on, I had my heart broken 3 weeks ago and while I know all of the things I should be doing to move on, I'm just not ready to start yet. I'm struggling to find closure and any insight would be appreciated. Sorry in advance if this is a long post... My ex and I dated for roughly 3 months; she was new to the area and was also like 6 months out of a 4 year relationship that she admitted she had some issues from (i.e. not feeling good enough). Anyway, things moved a lot faster with us than I would've expected and we spent an insane amount of time together from the get-go. The sex was good and we met each other's friends. She'd tell me how much she liked me, didn't want to leave, etc., and she'd invited me to a family wedding, we were planning a trip after that. Early on I did get some mixed signals from her but we talked through it chalking it up to her not wanting to feel the pressure of getting into anything too serious too soon. While all of this was happening, I had A TON going on in my life. I was in the interview processes for two intense potential new jobs, was moving to a new place, etc. Things went really off the rails when my new place got me really sick (mold), to the point where I couldn't stay there and was sick for almost an entire month. Minor car accident around this time, all while trying to keep things together. She and I were fine through most of this, although we had things happen to us too- we were roofied our 4th weekend together and was barely able to get her home. A friend tried to get in between us. A cyst, then a yeast infection she was afraid was an STD that I gave her, then my getting sick kind of torpedoed our sex life temporarily. Knowing I wasn't really myself and was barely able to handle things on my end, I started to feel her withdraw a tiny bit and was afraid she'd bail. Still, though, I was optimistic. The night my friend tried to cause drama, she told one of my other friends how crazy about me she was. I asked her if she was all good and still enjoyed hanging out together, she said of course and that we'd just had some weird weekends. I made the mistake of telling her that came up because a buddy of mine said we didn't seem to have much chemistry (this guy also told her she's not my usual physical type in a really untactful way, and told her to stop holding back with me). Talking about it more she said that maybe we were "out" of that romantic phase. Sex was thwarted that weekend when she got her period for the first time in 6 mos. Up to this point she'd also said her sex drive had taken a hit from stress and whatnot. The night before we broke up she was texting me all kinds of photos and stuff from her as a kid and, since I was still sick and feeling miserable, I wasn't super responsive and I could tell it bothered her a little. The next day I had to bail on our plans since I was still running too high a fever. She was acting weird and then a few hours later, I got a text saying she wasn't sure if her feelings were platonic or romantic, that she thinks she'd know by now if we were "it" for each other, and that she doesn't know she's ready for another serious relationship yet. I called her to talk about it more, and she said things were just so intense lately with all that was going on, and she's got enough pressure from work and she just needs to decompress. She said she felt like her feelings had been on trial a few times when I'd called her out about the mixed signals and then my friend's comments to her. She implied though that we'd keep talking and it didn't mean things were over totally. I apologized for having made her feel like I'd been challenging on her feelings, and told her that **** was so crazy with me, I know it hadn't been fun, and that this was by no means the status quo. 2 days later, my dad ended up in the ICU and almost died twice in the night. I reached out to her just to tell her, and around the same time sent an email just saying all I felt for her out of some guilt that I hadn't really expressed much of that over the past month. I told her I didn't expect a response and it was just to tell her how I felt. She sent a canned response about my dad. Later that night I saw an instagram story of hers to the effect of "choose your partner wisely" and felt that was incredibly friggin insensitive given that we were still following each other, 2 days out of a break-up, and with what I was dealing with. She also ignored other unrelated texts I'd sent. The next day I told her I'd hoped she could at least be a friend through all of this but that she'd sent the message loud and clear, and that I was pretty confused and sad over it. She responded by saying "I'm trying to be cool about this" and that she had no further interest in anything with me, so let's just end this here. I said fine. A week later I've seen her on literally every dating app (I got on as a distraction). So I've been wrestling with understanding what the hell happened to her feelings over a period in 3 weeks that could not only cause the break-up, but lead to her being so damn cold to me after the fact, when I don't think I was being super unreasonable for how close we had been. Everyone who saw us together thought she was crazy about me. Did she ever really care? Was I a glorified rebound? How do someone's feelings change that quickly? Of course I'm disappointed she bailed when things got hard, I just don't understand. I wasn't the one pushing this relationship forward so fast - she wanted to spend all this time together, she brought up the intimate conversations and things about kids early on. Why would she have done any of this if she wasn't even really into me, or wasn't wanting anything serious?
Commongoal123 Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 OP, Regardless of whether you were a rebound or not.... good God there was so much enmeshed drama between the two of you and friends. Is that really something you want to continue dealing with? Also I suspect she isn't a very good person. No good person kicks someone when they're down. Especially passive aggressively. My take? You dodged a bullet man. Big time. Also.... you BOTH got rufied? Who does that? Seriously shady behavior all around. Consider yourself blessed.
Author aukonak Posted June 21, 2019 Author Posted June 21, 2019 OP, Regardless of whether you were a rebound or not.... good God there was so much enmeshed drama between the two of you and friends. Is that really something you want to continue dealing with? Also I suspect she isn't a very good person. No good person kicks someone when they're down. Especially passive aggressively. My take? You dodged a bullet man. Big time. Also.... you BOTH got rufied? Who does that? Seriously shady behavior all around. Consider yourself blessed. That drama is something I'll have to take as a lesson learned for my next relationship - I've jettisoned one of those friends (the girl that got involved), and the guy I've had to ask to not try to "help" me anymore. He freakin told her she had the smallest chest of anyone I've dated as if that's supposed to make her feel good (it clearly didn't). It's really easy to make an argument that she wasn't a good person for not being able to at least hold on a week or two for my life to stabilize. She always championed her communication ability, and this was a massive fail on her part in that department. Really though I'm more hurt that whatever triggered her change of heart might've been something I could've easily addressed if she talked to me. Instead I'm stuck wondering what the hell happened, when I was falling for her and was seriously excited about the connection we'd built, all the other crap aside.
assertives Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 I don't know. That's way too much drama for such a short period of time. Maybe she was really interested in the beginning, but then it ended up being a third of the entire duration of the relationship was just trouble, drama and sickness, especially at the time where this beginning is usually supposed to be all fun, happy and easy. Not to mention that during this period, you were essentially emotionally unavailable. She probably checked out when the trouble seems never-ending (case in point for her was post break up your dad ended up in ICU). These are not really your fault, but perhaps you guys are just not meant for each other.
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