rightondude Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 This is a long story but I'll try to cut to the chase. I had seen a girl a couple of times, had a good makeout session at the end of date 1 and touchy feely date 2 (lunch date). We made plans to meet this weekend. Tuesday I got a text saying she wanted to cancel because she had met someone else and wanted to see where it goes. I was disappointed and surprised to say the least, because the two days previous she had been love bombing me with all kinds of stuff. I recognized it and knew it was too good to be true (not too long ago I would have bought that crap hook like and sinker and be really bummed right now). I just said, "I'm surprised to hear that. Hope it works out for you" and ended with that. I was actually glad to get that info instead of just being ghosted/stood up! Later that night I met another woman while on a business trip and it went about as well as it could go. Use your imagination. This morning I got a text from girl #1 asking if she had screwed up too bad for me to "continue talking to her." I'm not sure what that means exactly but I would guess dude #2 ended up pumping and dumping or being a schlub. I am inclined to tell her I'd never consider being someone's second choice, but... girl #2 for me lives 2 hours away. And, the time I spent with #1 was great, she's a knockout and local. Would you ever give someone a second chance in this scenario? I mean, we are all multi-dating here. But I know it could easily happen to me again...I think. Plus there's the respect factor... thanks 1
Juha Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 Girl #1 seems like she is eager and sounds like you will have a good time with her. See how it goes, at worst you will have fun Yes, you were second choice but maybe now she appreciates you more than before after guy # crashed and burned for her. If she acts flaky can always just casually date her for fun or dump and run... She did do the stand up thing and tell you the truth instead of ghosting lile many would have. So that is a good thing. I wish you luck 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 (edited) I believe in second chances (on somethings) but I dont believe in third+ so if a suitor screws up and what they did might have been a boundary where you had to say see ya....but not a hard ignore for good type deal breaker then yea if they come back wanting a second chance I say why not. your still multi dating so its not like your focused on this one person and ultimately your going to choose the person who shows the most consistency at the end anyway so she still might lose out to someone who was a better option but if this girl effs up again ignore her for good good luck Edited June 21, 2019 by Curiousroxy86
smackie9 Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 Ya it's an ego buster, but the risk to be taken is based on the measure of your desire for this person. I say throw caution into the wind....hey everyone makes mistakes. 1
Gretchen12 Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 It's ok being second choice if she's marrying you. We often are second choice without knowing it. Problem now is that first choice can come back this weekend and you'll be ousted again. Too much instability to seriously pursue something. You can have fun and not hold a grudge but just be aware. A lot of people online are there to get over someone. These people are there for a quick fix to their hurt and that's why you see love bombing. I highly suspect the guy she "had met" was actually her ex. Reason is if she had just met him, he'd still be a stranger to her, she's unlikely to be so sure about him as to end it with all her other prospects.
Author rightondude Posted June 21, 2019 Author Posted June 21, 2019 I sent her a text saying I had 0 hard feelings about everything but that I wasn't willing to be a second choice. She responded back that I wasn't a second choice, but that she's looking for something serious/LTR and she thought we were just casually dating because we "didn't talk much" ... I've texted with her every day since we met (and tried to call but she can never talk/is a millennial and apparently the phone is for texting only) ... what is considered enough talking? Or is that code for something else (i.e. the type of conversation we should be having)? In her response she never mentioned who the other guy is. heck he could be made up for all I know. I'd very much be willing to entertain _pursuing_ an LTR with her based off her standing in life and the fact I want a stable relationship very much, but I have no idea how I can talk more. I wonder if she just means day to day stuff like "I'm going to the store now" or what? We both have kids (split custody) and the like so it's not like there's a lot of time anyway...
central Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 (edited) Your choice, but dating is about finding the right match. She thought someone else might be, and wanted to find out before getting too involved with you, which would have prevented finding out. So, she found out. I don't think it's a big deal. I only care if I'm the right choice, not the first choice - and vice versa, of course. Figuring out if someone is the right choice can takes weeks or months. Edited June 21, 2019 by central 1
elaine567 Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 Love bombing, then dumped you after 2 good dates, now wants to pick you up again when I guess the other didn't work out or she sees an opportunity to see both of you... Sounds like she could be trouble, but its your life... 1
Gretchen12 Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 You do have to go through it or you'll wonder what could have been. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 She most likely had met this someone else before she went out on dates with you ... and something happened after the dates with you ... that led her to think the other relationship was gonna develop into something more serious. She was clear and upfront and not manipulative to tell you exactly what's up. I see that as honesty and integrity. Apparently though something happened with the other guy. I don't know if you're second choice ... might be that she had met the other guy earlier and just gotten further along with him (though not to the commitment stage) ... and then she met you. Could be some secret came out about the other guy. Depends on your goals ... if you're into casual and not rushing for commitment, I'd definitely go out with her again. If you're wanting something really serious ... me personally ... if I really liked her ... I'd also go out with her again ... and at some point, I would bring up what happened and get some clarity ... so that I'm not walking around feeling like a second choice. You don't get an answer that satisfies you (assuming you are looking for something serious) you move on ... But if you really liked her ... why not see what's up? In this world, second choices can quickly become first choices as we learn more about people. 2
Kitty Tantrum Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 A big part of me wants to say, straight up, don't do it - have more self-respect than that, etc... Buuut... here I am set to marry the same guy who TOTALLY ditched his plans with me last-minute one night (shortly after we started hooking up) to hook up with some other girl he knew who invited herself to a house party... where we were both living. And threw herself at him. He spent the whole evening/night with her instead and I cried myself to sleep (he doesn't know that part, I played it pretty cool). He even tried to give me the earrings she left on his nightstand a couple days later, thinking they were mine. I almost wrote him off completely after that, even though we were strictly casual at that point (at my own insistence). AND BOY WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN DUMB. Apparently his experience with her made me look that much better by comparison. The only real fallout was that I got to watch and cringe over the next few months as she kept sending occasional "restart" texts/messages, trying to get his attention, trying to get him to do things with her - and he pretty much just ignored her. The big thing is that he didn't try to be sneaky or hide anything from me. It was kinda like "hey, we're not a couple, so I have no reason not to take this opportunity." And you know what - that's FAIR. So I dunno. Frankly, it sounds like this girl you're dealing with was a lot more honest and forthcoming about the situation than a lot of people would have been. She could have lied about her other plans and allowed you to think you were the only person on her radar when you weren't. And she didn't. That's something. 3
central Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 When I first met my wife, we both were dating other people as well, and continued to do so for a while. Everyone else we met just made us look better to each other, and we were more and more sure that we were the right match. That confidence has stood the test of time - we continue to be sure of each other, and it is reinforced daily in many ways. If we'd gotten bent egos over dating others in the early days, we'd never have had the best relationship of our lives, by far. 2
Author rightondude Posted June 21, 2019 Author Posted June 21, 2019 thanks everyone. I was going to quit dating for awhile but it lasted about a whole week before all of a sudden I meet these two women (and I am no kind of mackdaddy; this type of stuff hasn't happened for me normally). I still need to work on myself but I also don't want to let opportunities pass. 2
Happy Lemming Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 ...girl #2 for me lives 2 hours away. Too far... 1 hour drive is my limit. I tried dating one woman that lived about that distance (from me) and the drive was just too much. Try to date girl #1, but don't go all in (just yet)... be reserved and careful. She could change her mind, again. 1
smackie9 Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 IMO she just blew smoke up yer butt, by saying she thought is was casual due to lack of contact, not second choice blah blah blah...She's down playing her actions. 1
PRW Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 (edited) She is in it for herself. She doesn't care about you. You are just a means to an end. She wanted to "keep you on the hook" just in case the others didn't work out. You were just the emergency backup to someone who is too insecure to be "without a guy" for any amount of time at all. Her "love bombing" and then later dumping you, and then trying to get you back on the hook is a textbook behavior of a narcissist. The unending swings from one extreme to the other is to keep you off balance and keep them holding all the power. Edited June 21, 2019 by PRW
Author rightondude Posted June 22, 2019 Author Posted June 22, 2019 She is in it for herself. She doesn't care about you. Yeah, maybe. I don't plan on getting too invested. As others have stated and which is absolutely true, actions are all that matter. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 I don’t know on one hand in the world of multi dating this happens Imagine if you talked to two promising ladies and one showed more promise than the other..you decided to focus on one because maybe she was the most consistent going towards something serious....it didn’t work out and your back dating...your goal have always been look for something serious. Nobody promised exclusivity yet. Technically all the girls your back to dating are second third fourth choices if you think about it. I don’t see the harm in getting to know her more. If she truly is a narcissist like prw suspects or some toxic person there will be something a little more telling. But remember key things if you decide.. 1) this should be her last chance. If she pull anything remotely close to flaky get rid of her 2) watch out for bs gas lighting. I wasn’t sure how true her statement was about you not calling and coming off casual. If you tried one time and texted the whole time that’s one thing but if you called a few times and she claim busy and don’t return your calls and now trying to turn it around on you saying you don’t call her or act serious then no! pass her up. 3) watch out for any devaluing actions of any kind. Watch out for irritability, mean girl teasing but pretend like she playing, decreased romantic affection, always asking for you to do things for her but not reciprocating, clearly trying to make you jealous, hot and cold or random moments of distance...as soon as she try to devalue you drop her cold turkey. Other than that get to know her and keep your options open. Ultimately choose the girl who shows the most consistency towards something serious. Good luck! Do keep us posted. I’m interested in seeing what happens.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 Love bombing, then dumped you after 2 good dates, now wants to pick you up again when I guess the other didn't work out or she sees an opportunity to see both of you... Sounds like she could be trouble, but its your life... I agree. She wants to call the shots and expects you to go along with that. If she saw you as The Man, she never would have bypassed you. To take her back now would be saying yes to your demoted status. To that I say hell no. I get the impression she'd be a pain, and you can do better.
Author rightondude Posted June 22, 2019 Author Posted June 22, 2019 (edited) its weird, girl #1 is actually very shy, demure and from what she's told me has been with some dudes who have treated her like crap. So gaslighting, orbiting, etc, would seem to be really out of character. But then again, I could be totally oblivious to the reality. I am now thinking it's possible she made up this other dude entirely and just legit thought I was trying to hit it and quit it and I didn't want anything serious. I will find out for sure this weekend, the date is back on. Edited June 22, 2019 by rightondude
Inspire Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 She didn't think you were serious about her so she broke things off to pursue another guy and yet she still came back to you? Chances are this other guy blew her off, but you seem to think he might be made up. It sounds like she is real mature.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 its weird, girl #1 is actually very shy, demure and from what she's told me has been with some dudes who have treated her like crap. So gaslighting, orbiting, etc, would seem to be really out of character. But then again, I could be totally oblivious to the reality. I am now thinking it's possible she made up this other dude entirely and just legit thought I was trying to hit it and quit it and I didn't want anything serious. I will find out for sure this weekend, the date is back on. Ummm shy and demure means nothing....watch out for the actions we are warning you of anyway. Don’t be fooled. If you see anything close don’t disregard it please.
Author rightondude Posted June 22, 2019 Author Posted June 22, 2019 Ummm shy and demure means nothing....watch out for the actions we are warning you of anyway. Don’t be fooled. If you see anything close don’t disregard it please. advice will be heeded and I'll update with updates!
fromheart Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 Why are you going for the second best option, when you've just had a better option? 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 from long distance isnt a good option..personally I dont date men outside of 45 miles from me lol. not saying girl 1 is a good option either. Id rather him find someone else then consider date 1 or date 2 if he really doesnt want long distance. if he didnt mind the distance then yea date 2 would be
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