luper Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 I am 29 and my GF is 23. We've been officially together for 3 months, and known each other for 5. When it comes to the time that we have been a couple, the relationship is very good, with a lot of caring, sexual attraction and I think good communication. However I caught my gf in a lie when we discussed our ex partners. She said she didn't have contact with anyone since we met, but I saw a message delivered to her mobile. It raised my suspicion a little, but then I let it go since it's not a big deal. But when her bank statements came and we were going through them to try to see where her money goes, I saw a charge for a sporting event, and I remembered that her ex was an athlete for the local team, and that was an event where he played. I confronted her about it, and she said that she was thinking of going to the match, just for fun. And that she didn't have any contact with him. But in the end she didn't go there. I accepted it, as at the time we didn't have the exclusivity talk, and I thought that maybe I asked questions I didn't want answers to. And to be fair, I was kinda taking things really slow at the time. Later I found out that the communication with her ex went a little longer, with phone calls, etc. but I don't think she met him. I also found from her friends that she was literally obsessed with him, and that he really didn't want her as a partner for various reasons. But she kept stalking him, going to his matches hoping he would see her, etc. I asked about it, and she said that the thing with her ex wasn't completely finished when we both met, but she ended it when things got serious with me. But she didn't tell me anything more. Is this a cause for concern? I mean the fact that she had contact with her ex while we weren't 100% exclusive is not that troubling, but still uncomfortable since I don't do multidating. However I failed to discuss it with her then openly. So I could let it go, as no one was at fault. But what troubles me are two things: lying about it, and also her stalk-ish behaviour to a man who wasn't that interested in her while we were getting to know each other. Despite lying, I kinda trust her that she doesn't keep in contact with anyone, but then again I don't know, she is capable of not telling the truth. But I do know I have some problems with insecurity, and I cannot help but feel like I am her second choice. Any help or opinions? I am trying to let it go, but I feel hurt, and I don't know if I was just asking questions I really didn't want an answer to, or I am being made a fool of?
doyathinkso Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 Mmm, I think you can forget about that "We've been officially together for 3 months" business. It looks like she sees you as more of a place-holder and a bit of poon to keep herself from drying up while she waits for her boyfriend. If her ex were to give her the slightest sign of wanting her back she would be gone just like that. Just why did they really ... I mean really ... break up anyway? I mean, it couldn't Possibly have been anything to do with her now, could it? He does not want her now. She, however, is obsessed with him, PINES for him. You're just keeping her warm at night. For now. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 I'm weirded out by the idea that some chick you have known for 5 months gave you access to her bank statements. Talk about really getting intimate with somebody. Nobody I have ever dated saw that info & DH & only exchanged it 3 months before the wedding to do the prenup. Her watching a sporting match her EX played in shows she is still pining for him. Sounds like she wants the celebrity BF but he's not biting. Be careful. 1
OatsAndHall Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 She lied to you about the whole situation. That would be enough for me to call it quits. She may never have a chance at getting back together with her ex but that doesn't change the fact that she was dishonest about everything. 1
Daniel76 Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 I can't understand why she acted like that. You made mistakes?
lurker74 Posted June 21, 2019 Posted June 21, 2019 Honestly wouldn't worry about it too much. I've dated women that still had feelings for an ex. Those that continued, things ended naturally while I got the chance to have some fun times or I quickly replaced the ex in her mind (which is what she claims happened with you). And if she leaves you for him, who cares? There's plenty of other women and relationships end for lots of reasons. The only issue is if you think she is having sex with him while with you. But then, lots of people have to worry about that sort of thing. If you trust her, trust her. If you don't trust here, why are you even asking? Just break up. 1
fromheart Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 Having long analysis of her history, looking at her phone and her bank statements. And you wonder why the relationship has problems.
Daniel76 Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 Honestly wouldn't worry about it too much. I've dated women that still had feelings for an ex. Those that continued, things ended naturally while I got the chance to have some fun times or I quickly replaced the ex in her mind (which is what she claims happened with you). And if she leaves you for him, who cares? There's plenty of other women and relationships end for lots of reasons. The only issue is if you think she is having sex with him while with you. But then, lots of people have to worry about that sort of thing. If you trust her, trust her. If you don't trust here, why are you even asking? Just break up. I agree with these words. If you do not make a decision, there will be no future.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 22, 2019 Posted June 22, 2019 Having you look at her bank statements ... major red flag. For one, it suggests she's beyond clueless about money, as if she cannot figure out where her money goes. Listen, we all can figure out where our money goes ... The struggle is to stop spending the money in dumb ways. Two, you are sucked into the fantasy that you can fix her, help her with money. You quickly got into rescue mode, hero mode. Oh you're going to save her by looking at her bank statements and solving her problems. One, rescuing never works. Two, think about it ... she's been alive for how many years ... and you're going to solve her problem in a few months. Finally when you are deep into helping someone this month, you're almost always in the friendzone. It means you're not romancing her, you're helping her--the same way a big brother does ... or a parent does. So yeah, the rest is problematic ... but what's really problematic is having you studying her bank accounts. There's a tricky thing that happens when you start off as a helper to someone who's clueless. You'll think you're smarter than the other person ... and therefore that she should feel great about having you ... the first assumption is iffy. The second is utterly wrong. 1
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