JEG88 Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 So I've decided that I need to do what's best for me and gather my courage to break up with my GF of almost 2 years. Would like some advice on best approach in terms of communication and leaving things off on a clean note. I haven't had to break up with anyone who I thought was "the one" in my dating life. I also have a hard time "letting go" so there's that too. Thanks in advance. Recently, no matter what we do - vacation getaways together, fitness together, dinners out, gifting, etc. - it seems like the love has faded from how strong it once was. And it feels like it has been fading for a while now, a combination of routine and increasingly different perspectives. It's not fair to me or to her to keep dragging this out. She deserves the chance at happiness with someone who is a better fit for her, and same with me. We have talked about the future, but there were several obstacles that became apparent over time and made me worry how well the long-term would work out. - She's a spender, I'm a saver - She is tied to helping her parents financially with their house, for various reasons (she lives there too) - My mom and my GF don't get along I have voiced these concerns in hopes of some compromise, but at the end of the day it came down to her basically saying, "I am who I am and won't adjust." And I understand where she's coming from - I don't want to ask her to change, but to meet halfway in things like spending less, or spending time with my fam on special occasions at least. But this was always met with a ton of resistance. I realized she has been driving every aspect of the relationship despite my communication about my desires. I think this was a big part of me realizing that I haven't been an equal partner in the relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 Just sit her down & tell her this isn't working & you think you two should go your separate ways. If you have stuff of hers put it in a box to give to her so there is no reason to remain in contact.
OatsAndHall Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 (edited) Just gotta rip off the band-aid, my friend. Sit down, face to face and tell her you that you don't want to be together anymore. Be honest and direct but empathetic and caring at the same time. There's no reasons to place blame and it can be as simple as "I'm sorry, but this just isn't working out and I don't want us to be together anymore." Just be prepared for an emotional conversation and be ready to cut it short and walk away. Breaking up with someone you care about is never pleasant but the more you mull around with it, the worse it gets. Edited June 20, 2019 by OatsAndHall 1
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 Do not raise your voice. Be gracious. Don't blame. Try to be sensitive but don't offer false hope. Firm but polite is the best way. 2
lurker74 Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 Rules for breaking up with a LTR partner with dignity: 1) Do it in person 2) Have a plan for leaving at the end of the conversation (i.e. no sleeping in the same place and YOU should be the one who leaves, so not your place) 3) Do not say you're sorry or that you "regret" anything (more on this later) 4) Start with saying you want to break up (not the reasons) 5) Be short with reasons. This is not an attempt to get her to change. 6) Exit without yelling, even if she does. On the no apology thing...maybe you have things to be sorry for, I don't know. But the break up is not the time for them and even SAYING you're sorry implies that you are doing something wrong. So don't. This is not about blame, it's about moving on. After the break up, you really need to not contact her. She needs to not contact you, too, but that might be hard. If necessary, block her texts and calls for anywhere from a few days to forever (depending on sincerity). The only way forward is through. Good luck.
Author JEG88 Posted July 5, 2019 Author Posted July 5, 2019 So this just went down this morning. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I met her at her house since we both have the day off, and just did the straight up "Can we talk?" deal. We talked for about an hour. Mostly about why I was feeling this way, why I wanted to break up, etc. She didn't want to accept it, and there was a lot of crying on both sides. She asked me to reconsider and take some time to think about things, and seeing her face, I almost did. She said she would change, do this and that. I resisted and just kept my stance on breaking up. I thanked her for 2 great years, and asked her to think about the good times we had. They were some of the best of my life, I learned so many things, experienced new adventures and grew as a person. But I just couldn't see a future together with her, and I fell out of love. We were too different. It's going to take me a while to move on and get back out there after this. But I did my best to be firm and put an end to things as cleanly and cordially as I could. I want to focus on myself for a bit and love myself again. It's going to be hard not texting her, seeing her, calling her. I just have to distract myself and get through it. Time should help. 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 Good for you to know what you want and to be able to walk away earlier instead of dragging it along. Do not go back. I wasted 15 years on a guy who was very different from me.
Author JEG88 Posted July 5, 2019 Author Posted July 5, 2019 ^ Thank you. How do I handle post-breakup communication? I helped plan a vacation for us and her family, so I have a lot of itineraries and receipts she'll need for that trip since her and her family would still be going. I feel like things are too raw right now for me to reach out and open a can of worms/floodgates. Should I wait like a week before reaching out and sending her a note with all the stuff?
littleblackheart Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 You handled that breakup in a classy, considerate way. Imo, you may as well deal with it asap so as not to prolong the process un-necessarily. Make a list of all the things you need to sort out for a clean break and deal with it all. It's harder in the short term but actually kinder in the long term. 1
kendahke Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 Funny how "I am who I am and won't adjust." quickly changed into She said she would change, do this and that. when faced with losing the entire relationship. As long as she didn't feel she had to give up anything, she was down with the "I am who i am and won't adjust..." I'd be insulted by that.
kendahke Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 I helped plan a vacation for us and her family, so I have a lot of itineraries and receipts she'll need for that trip since her and her family would still be going. I feel like things are too raw right now for me to reach out and open a can of worms/floodgates. Should I wait like a week before reaching out and sending her a note with all the stuff? No... I'd get her this information this weekend so that neither of you have got a spark of hope of contacting one another right now. That spark needs to be strangled. As you said, things are too raw, so either slip the envelope with all of the information through her mail slot or find a trusted 3rd party who will deliver the envelope to her--and do it this weekend so it's done and not lingering. 1
Whodatdog Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 That was handled in a good way, much better than most would do. I would definitely advise against any contact whatsoever at this point. Get a friend to get the paperwork that she needs to her. The last thing she needs right now is any contact from you. She will see it as hopeful for a reconciliation. No. Contact. It does her, or you, no good at all. Its a backwards move. 1
Author JEG88 Posted July 5, 2019 Author Posted July 5, 2019 That was handled in a good way, much better than most would do. I would definitely advise against any contact whatsoever at this point. Get a friend to get the paperwork that she needs to her. The last thing she needs right now is any contact from you. She will see it as hopeful for a reconciliation. No. Contact. It does her, or you, no good at all. Its a backwards move. Thanks. I did a scan of my place for stuff of hers, turns out I had some large stuff to give back. (Luggage, tent, etc.) Thinking of asking my dad to drop off, or giving me a ride to do a drive-by as I ring the doorbell.
Author JEG88 Posted July 7, 2019 Author Posted July 7, 2019 It's hitting me pretty hard today as I delete social media and photos of us. I figured I had to do it today because I would be way too emotional still if I let them sit there. Going to deactivate my social media for a while, hopefully that helps. Just trying to do my best moving on as soon as I can, at least to distract myself.
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