My whirlwind situation.

[NorthernMonk]

Hey guys, looking for some clarity to the situation I have recently found myself in. So here goes...

 

This past winter, I worked a seasonal job in my town. 5 months. On the first day of work, I met my co-workers. Lo and behold, one of my co-workers was this girl. Immediate attraction, love at first sight, heart in my throat, kind of attraction. I had never felt anything like that in my life. Of course, she had a boyfriend and was now someone I would be seeing and interacting with 40+ hours a week.

 

As the winter went on, my attraction for her grew stronger by the day. Knowing I was going in to work and she was on the schedule, would get me out of bed immediately and to work early because I got to spend the entire day with her! I knew she had a boyfriend and I never made any advances toward her and I kept it professional in the work place. However, the longer we worked together, the more we got to know about each other and develop a great friendship and bond. After 5 months of this, it took all the will power I could muster to not blurt out "I want you, I'm into you" every time I saw her. I could sense her presence if we were in the same room, I was head over heels in love with this girl and I could tell she was attracted to me. She would text me about once a week asking 'how are you?' or 'what are you up to?'. We gave books and movies to each other, spent our lunch breaks with each other...and she had a boyfriend, who she lived with. I assumed things were serious between them because of this.

 

Fast forward about 3 weeks after the seasonal job ended. I was working my main bread and butter job and my birthday was approaching. This new job of mine is pretty lax and I can have visitors. She knew this and texted me a week before my birthday asking if she could visit me. Of course I told her yes because I hadn't stopped thinking about her for almost 6 months at this point. I will admit, I had built a fantasy in my head. She came to my work place on my birthday and gave me a gift. She hung around and we talked. She told me she was going to end her relationship, quit her jobs and move back home to her parents house 3 hours away. She already had this plan in motion. I almost told her then and there that I was into her, but she looked overwhelmed and I didn't want to muddy the waters. A few days later she hit me up and I used this opportunity to tell her that I was into her and I had been all winter long while we were working together. She told me she felt the same and she hadn't stopped thinking about me for months and wanted to leave her boyfriend because it wasn't right for her, not because of me. Well, 2 days later she dropped the bomb on her bf, broke up with him, told him she was already moving out and had put her 2 weeks in at her job.

 

3 days after this, she was with me. We went hot and heavy right from the start, telling each other every detail of what actually was going on in our heads while we worked together. Now, this girl was an emotional roller coaster. She told me things like how many kids we were having, where we were going to live, etc, etc. I told her that I was drawn to her at first sight and all that jazz, which is true, this girl knocked my socks off. Hindsight, it was all the typical rebound stuff.

 

She was spending time with me, moving out of her bf house and quitting her job. I did my best to keep it level and calm, but I was so stressed out I couldn't sleep or eat most days. I just knew in my gut that something wasn't right. I have been needy in the past and I have shown signs of insecure attachment in previous relationships. I was very mindful not to be needy in this short relationship, but it felt like I was the one doing all the work and I was definitely guilty of putting her needs before mine. This girl was a hot mess and I had to be very careful with how I responded to her or showed my support. She refused to block her ex bf because they were still "in the process of moving out". This was a red flag to me immediately. Over the next 2 weeks, we spent some time together at my house and then we went on a 4 day trip to a large downtown area in my state to spend some time together and get out of dodge. It was fun. When we got back from this little vacation, she went back home and I had gone back to my routine with work and all that.

 

After this trip, she went distant and told me she wasn't over her ex yet and that she was confused, wanted to be single and asked if we could just be friends. (during our short downtown vacation, SHE declared that we were dating and that she was my girlfriend.) I told her I was not interested in being friends and that after what we had just shared, I couldn't go to just being her buddy. I told her I couldn't hang around while she figured out what she wanted, but when she does figure it out, let me know and that maybe life has a few more surprises for us. She told me she would let me know when she figured her **** out, that she completely respected my decision and wouldn't want to deal with her either.

 

That was the last I talked with her. It has been exactly 3 weeks and I have been holding strong in no contact. I'm heart broken and I feel used as the rebound guy. I also hold no anger toward her as her situation was totally ****ed up. It was very hard to support her during this time, she was all over the place emotionally. Talked about her ex often. I told her once I did not want to talk about her ex boyfriend, I am not a therapist. She got very upset with me when I said this. She talked a lot about the past and the future, but never seemed to be seated in the present.

 

I know that was a lot and I feel better writing it, so thanks for reading if you made it this far. But here is my question: Did I dump her or did she dump me by trying to downgrade me to friendzone? Do I continue NC and hope she reaches out like she told me she would? Or just accept my fate as the rebound and try my darndest to move on? I thought we really had something special. Does the time at work count for nothing? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Thank you!

[TheFinalWord]

This might seem harsh, but I'm going to give you my honest opinion. I know this is painful for you, but you weren't used as the rebound guy. You knew full well what you were getting yourself into. You knew that there was no way she was going to go from a serious boyfriend she lived with to being with you seamlessly. I'm sure you know the old adage, if she did it to him, it's just a matter of time until she does it with you.

 

What I think it was is, yes, she was attracted to you. That normally happens when a guy and a girl hang out all the time. She was emotionally cheating on her BF and you seem to not recognize this, but see yourself as a rebound. You were an equal participant. In these scenarios, apply the golden rule. Would you want another guy doing the things you did to this girl, while you were with her? If the answer is "no", then you need to check yourself and not just put it on her. Bro, I understand the temptation, but you knew your role in everything. She is going to talk about her ex. It was a massive transition in her life. The same way you are thinking about her nonstop, that's how she is thinking of her ex. Sure, you might have been a slight distraction, but she doesn't have near the amount of emotional investment in you that she did with him. It isn't going to be that easy. And the fact you told her you didn't want to hear about him, makes her think you don't have what she needs to support her emotionally. Her not blocking her ex should not have been a red flag to you, her emotionally cheating on her BF with you should have been the red flag. But I get it, you built up a fantasy in your mind and when things don't line up, you get frustrated.

 

You did the right thing to say you can't be platonic friends. But, the truth is she will probably not come back. Basically, there was an attraction there and she was able to get it out of her system and fill up the void her boyfriend wasn't giving her. She already doesn't think things will work and if you put her needs first, she didn't really have to invest much and got all the benefits. There has to be equal investment, especially at the beginning. That's a lesson I've had to learn myself, the hard way.

 

Right now you probably keep replaying everything in your mind and are holding her to all the things she said and did while you had your fling. But she was an emotional mess and you can't put any real stock in anything she said. Furthermore, you don't know each other well. You only know the good things about her, not the bad. When she expressed some of the bad, your response was to tell her not talk about it. Not that you should be her therapist, but you should know there is no way she is just going to forget about him that quick when their lives were so intertwined. She didn't leave him for you, she left him because she was unhappy and she also wanted to have a fling with you. That's all this really was and to be honest, I think you dodged a bullet. Because you already don't trust her (want her to block her ex) and you know you two met while she was with someone and she was cheating emotionally with you. So you'll always think in the back of your mind, she could do it to you.

Edited June 20, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[mark clemson]

But here is my question: Did I dump her or did she dump me by trying to downgrade me to friendzone? Do I continue NC and hope she reaches out like she told me she would? Or just accept my fate as the rebound and try my darndest to move on? I thought we really had something special. Does the time at work count for nothing? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Thank you!

 

 

It doesn't matter who dumped who.

 

It's special if it was special to you. It "counted" if it counted to you.

 

IMO, yes continue NC, yes accept that it's probably just a rebound, and yes start to move on (although suggest you be careful with new GFs that you keep it casual so you don't make them a rebound victim themselves).

 

IF she comes back, cross that bridge when it happens (suggest you DON'T hold out hope). IF that happens and you get back together, be SURE to find out what happened while she "got her **** together" as I suspect (as you probably do) it was mostly her being with the old BF. You can decide what to do once you have the info (if it ever even happens).

 

I've often heard that these high-intensity relationships don't tend to stand the test of time very well. Hope there are those for whom they do as it sounds wonderful.

 

At any rate, take this one (logical) step at a time. Logically, right now, believe it's best to stay NC and move on.

 

In theory, you could risk JUST ONE text to see how she responds/if she wants to start things back up, but I strongly think the high chance is you'll get a noncommittal response from her right now. IF/WHEN she decides she really wants you back she knows how to reach you.

[TheFinalWord]

I agree with mark, except I don't think you should text her. You told her to contact you when she was ready. I wouldn't break your word. You already told her you don't want to be her therapist or her buddy. It's romantic or nothing. Which is totally the right thing. She has to be the one to reach out to you IMHO. If she reaches out, she knows that is telling you she wants to be romantic. If you contact her, you don't know what her responses mean because there's no context other than she will feel pressure to make a decision. If she feels pressured to make a decision, she'll choose to move on and there will be no chance. The good thing here is there isn't any animosity between you two, just a messy break up. I still think you were both emotionally cheating, which would make me disqualify her as a GF, but maybe others will see it differently. But she didn't invest much, while you invested heavily, especially emotionally. In some ways, there's an incongruity with your words and actions. You're telling her you don't want to be her therapist, but you keep talking about how you were supporting her. So you were behaving like her therapist, but not talking like one. Actions always speak louder than words. In this case, she HAS to invest equally or it's going to feel like, yes, you are a rebound. That's why I say she has to be the one to contact you or it's a no go.

Edited June 20, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[NorthernMonk]

T

Her not blocking her ex should not have been a red flag to you, her emotionally cheating on her BF with you should have been the red flag. But I get it, you built up a fantasy in your mind and when things don't line up, you get frustrated.

 

Thank you. You're right about this. There were times at work where I thought to myself, "If I were dating this girl and she were acting this way with a co-worker, I would not be happy". This should have been a red flag, but through rose colored glasses...

 

Yes, I am replaying everything in my head constantly, wondering if I made the right moves, very hard not to. I thought we were compatible on many levels, never had a friend or girlfriend for that matter with so much in common...

[NorthernMonk]

I agree with mark, except I don't think you should text her. You told her to contact you when she was ready. I wouldn't break your word. You already told her you don't want to be her therapist or her buddy. It's romantic or nothing. Which is totally the right thing. She has to be the one to reach out to you IMHO. If she reaches out, she knows that is telling you she wants to be romantic. If you contact her, you don't know what her responses mean because there's no context other than she will feel pressure to make a decision. If she feels pressured to make a decision, she'll choose to move on and there will be no chance. The good thing here is there isn't any animosity between you two, just a messy break up. I still think you were both emotionally cheating, which would make me disqualify her as a GF, but maybe others will see it differently. But she didn't invest much, while you invested heavily, especially emotionally. In some ways, there's an incongruity with your words and actions. You're telling her you don't want to be her therapist, but you keep talking about how you were supporting her. So you were behaving like her therapist, but not talking like one. Actions always speak louder than words. In this case, she HAS to invest equally or it's going to feel like, yes, you are a rebound. That's why I say she has to be the one to contact you or it's a no go.

 

Man, all of this went down so fast and hot and heavy it was difficult for me to keep it all together. I supported her emotionally for the first 2 weeks, at times it felt like I was one leg of a three legged stool, but all of her baggage eventually just broke me and I had to tell her I didn't want to to talk about her ex anymore, it was just too much on me. I started feeling like she was treating me like her sister or a best friend and I just tried to set some boundaries. Hindsight 20/20, I probably could have done so in a nicer way.

 

I have no plans of contacting her, but anyone who has had to endure NC knows it can be very difficult at times. I agree with the cheating part, it was not right....but dude it just happened, everything just happened so naturally. She just started texting me and pursuing me and I couldn't say no. I was so drawn to this girl from the start.

[NorthernMonk]

 

IF she comes back, cross that bridge when it happens (suggest you DON'T hold out hope). IF that happens and you get back together, be SURE to find out what happened while she "got her **** together" as I suspect (as you probably do) it was mostly her being with the old BF. You can decide what to do once you have the info (if it ever even happens).

 

I've often heard that these high-intensity relationships don't tend to stand the test of time very well. Hope there are those for whom they do as it sounds wonderful.

 

 

 

Thank you for your response. I do highly suspect that her ex was in the background the entire time. I could tell when she would get a text from him. There would be a few days where she would be her normal self, very drawn to me, touchy, feely, kissy... then suddenly, hit a wave of depression and withdrawal herself.

[TheFinalWord]

Yes, I understand. In some ways, she wasn't married, so it's not like you broke up a marriage. And she didn't leave him for you, so it was technically emotional cheating, but it wasn't like you broke them up.

 

The thing you have to keep in mind is if you do have any actual chance for something long term is she has to be in a place where she feels stable in her new life and available emotionally for a relationship. Anything before that point is going to end up in the same place and you won't get a genuine chance of building something based on just you and her. Don't beat yourself up over what was said and done. She didn't do everything perfect either and these situations are tricky.

 

She might reach out at some point, but I don't think you should contact her unless she initiates. If she ever does and it were me, I would tell her that you knew she needed time to heal, things happened fast. You felt a connection with her and if she wants to try again when she is ready, you would love nothing more. But you kind of already did that so I wouldn't reach out again. Yes, it's hard, but contacting her is going to do more harm than good. If you want her back, you have to think long-term instead of getting the short-term fix. It's kind of like a sugar craving. Yeah contacting her might feel good in the short term, but you'll only push her away and/or confuse her more. Long-term, it won't do any good. You guys obviously have attraction and you didn't leave on bad terms, so there is some chance. But she's confused emotionally and unavailable. You don't even want to try like this because it won't work. You would rather have an actual chance which will only occur when she's is ready. And only she knows when that will be. Space is the name of the game. You set the boundaries, she knows what they are and if there is more there than just a fling, she'll reach out. But I wouldn't put your life on hold either...

 

Good luck.

[NorthernMonk]

Yes, I understand. In some ways, she wasn't married, so it's not like you broke up a marriage. And she didn't leave him for you, so it was technically emotional cheating, but it wasn't like you broke them up.

 

The thing you have to keep in mind is if you do have any actual chance for something long term is she has to be in a place where she feels stable in her new life and available emotionally for a relationship. Anything before that point is going to end up in the same place and you won't get a genuine chance of building something based on just you and her. Don't beat yourself up over what was said and done. She didn't do everything perfect either and these situations are tricky.

 

She might reach out at some point, but I don't think you should contact her unless she initiates. If she ever does and it were me, I would tell her that you knew she needed time to heal, things happened fast. You felt a connection with her and if she wants to try again when she is ready, you would love nothing more. But you kind of already did that so I wouldn't reach out again. Yes, it's hard, but contacting her is going to do more harm than good. If you want her back, you have to think long-term instead of getting the short-term fix. It's kind of like a sugar craving. Yeah contacting her might feel good in the short term, but you'll only push her away and/or confuse her more. Long-term, it won't do any good. You guys obviously have attraction and you didn't leave on bad terms, so there is some chance. But she's confused emotionally and unavailable. You don't even want to try like this because it won't work. You would rather have an actual chance which will only occur when she's is ready. And only she knows when that will be. Space is the name of the game. You set the boundaries, she knows what they are and if there is more there than just a fling, she'll reach out. But I wouldn't put your life on hold either...

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

Thank you for the wisdom, internet guru! Sounds like you have been in this situation before. I appreciate you sharing some insight into this, it has helped my anxiety and confusion. I need to focus on myself, practice some self love and learn what I can from this. Never intended for any of it to happen, it felt like mother nature just took over and once my fantasy turned into reality it went so fast it got out of hand.