Thoughts of Xfiancé while dating new guy😟

[surferchic]

Hello all. Plain and simple... recently I’ve had a few recurring thoughts of my Ex fiancé and a few things I miss about him. Not sure why this keeps popping in my head after a little over 2 years(since our breakup). I feel guilty, but on the other hand my ex fiancé was the most significant man in my love life ...ever, so perhaps this is my way of finally letting go of the residual thoughts... He was significant, but for a few reasons it was best that I left him.

 

I’ve been dating a great new guy for a few months now. Things are progressing to the point where we see each other every other day. He intentionally leaves things at my place each time he comes. We e met each other’s families. I’ve spent time with his family a great deal... consecutive days at a time. I have some things at his place. Everything isn’t perfect all the time, but outside of the small issue in my previous thread and a few nuances of relationships in the beginning stages ...we’re pretty good.

 

What does it mean that I’m having recurring thoughts like that of the ex?

[kendahke]

 

What does it mean that I’m having recurring thoughts like that of the ex?

 

Unfortunately, you're the only one with that answer. It could be a myriad of things and speculation can run rife.

 

I'd say when you find your mind going down that road, stop yourself and try to think back to what you were thinking when the thought of the ex popped up. You may need to put a rubber band on your wrist to snap whenever you discover yourself doing this.

 

Is he well and faded in your rear view mirror?

[mark clemson]

What does it mean that I’m having recurring thoughts like that of the ex?

 

 

I'm not sure it's possible for anyone to give a correct answer to that.

 

A possibility is that you're reaching a point of connection/intertwining of your life with the new BF that you had with the exF and so your associative memory is being activated and/or you are triggering the same neural paths that processed your emotions for the exF.

 

The older connections in your brain relating to your exF are being reactivated and "rewired" with memories and feelings due to the new BF.

 

But that's totally a guess.

 

 

(Crossed posts with Kendahke)

Edited June 20, 2019 by mark clemson
xposts

[Curiousroxy86]

Honestly I think it’s normal to have thoughts about a significant ex from time to time even if you don’t want the ex back and even if your happy with a current guy.

 

I think having memories is part of being human

 

I would only be concerned if you have feelings of wanting to get back with your ex, trying to get back with your ex, and getting rid of current guy for ex. Other than that if it’s just a memory whether good or bad of your ex that you get from time to time I think it’s normal.

[Gaeta]

I agree it's normal to have thoughts of past relationships that were significant to us. Often in a quiet moment I'll have thoughts of my ex-husband, I'll remember events we went to together, memories of him with our daughter, and him and I divorced 20 years ago. Sometimes my current boyfriend will make a face or say something and it will remind me of him. I assure you I stopped being in love with my ex well over 20 years ago. It's just the brain shuffling memories.

[surferchic]

Unfortunately, you're the only one with that answer. It could be a myriad of things and speculation can run rife.

 

I'd say when you find your mind going down that road, stop yourself and try to think back to what you were thinking when the thought of the ex popped up. You may need to put a rubber band on your wrist to snap whenever you discover yourself doing this.

 

Is he well and faded in your rear view mirror?

 

True. I know why I left him and I sometimes just think of him when I’m thinking of how fast things move with my current boyfriend. It’s almost the same way things happened with my ex fiancé, ie we had such a strong chemistry and went full speed ahead sometimes.

 

This time though, I’m trying to be intentional about not thinking too far ahead too fast. I’ve verbalized some of this to the current BF before and he respects me telling him. Although I sometimes feel like he ignores some of what I say to continue doing what he does, eg the talking on the phone for long periods of time even when there’s convo dies down.

 

I’ll assume that well and faded means I have images & thoughts of my X that haunt me almost... if that’s what you mean, then the answer is YES. I hate to admit.

[surferchic]

I agree with what several, if not all of you are saying in terms of memories being normal.

 

And the more scientific response from you @ mark clemson, seems to be pretty interesting and on point. Yes, my current bf and I are getting to a similar stage where I was with my ex, ie spending more and more time together and with his family and he just mentioned to me last night that he wants us to keep building our relationship in a more serious direction.

 

So this honestly makes me nervous and/or anxious because I’m feeling like it could end quickly or in a train wreck if things don’t work out or if we move too fast.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well I was happy to break up with my ex ... but there were times ... years maybe three years later ... five years later ... when I happened to be nearby and I drove to the apartment complex where we lived after we got married. (She didn't live there anymore--no chance of seeing her.)

 

I think I did that twice ... and I remember the feeling of Wow, Can't believe we lived here. Wow, things got bad fast, didn't they? Felt like another universe, an alternate reality. It's normal to have thoughts of the other person. Anyone you let that deeply into your heart ... anyone you let yourself long for ... and for whom you developed hope for a future ... well, you're going to remember them ... even if they broke your heart.

 

I think what happens is that after a period of time, we begin the process of owning the relationship with the ex, integrating that relationship into our lives. I think we have to separate first, feel emotionally safe and distant and then you can remember their humanity.

 

And not everything about your ex is terrible. Exes can have great qualities--we just have to not focus on those qualities when separating. Later, when we are at a distance, it's safer to remember their good qualities as well as the ones that drove us nuts.

 

That all said, is there any chance your heart isn't fully in this new relationship? You don't say a lot of good words about your bf and your feelings for him ... you say things are going "pretty good." Can't tell if those are cautious ... or if those words were meant to convey enthusiasm.

[Gaeta]

So this honestly makes me nervous and/or anxious because I’m feeling like it could end quickly or in a train wreck if things don’t work out or if we move too fast.

 

Sounds like your inner alarm warns you this is escalating too fast. What kind of moving too fast are we talking about?

[surferchic]

Well I was happy to break up with my ex ... but there were times ... years maybe three years later ... five years later ... when I happened to be nearby and I drove to the apartment complex where we lived after we got married. (She didn't live there anymore--no chance of seeing her.)

 

I think I did that twice ... and I remember the feeling of Wow, Can't believe we lived here. Wow, things got bad fast, didn't they? Felt like another universe, an alternate reality. It's normal to have thoughts of the other person. Anyone you let that deeply into your heart ... anyone you let yourself long for ... and for whom you developed hope for a future ... well, you're going to remember them ... even if they broke your heart.

 

I think what happens is that after a period of time, we begin the process of owning the relationship with the ex, integrating that relationship into our lives. I think we have to separate first, feel emotionally safe and distant and then you can remember their humanity.

 

And not everything about your ex is terrible. Exes can have great qualities--we just have to not focus on those qualities when separating. Later, when we are at a distance, it's safer to remember their good qualities as well as the ones that drove us nuts.

 

That all said, is there any chance your heart isn't fully in this new relationship? You don't say a lot of good words about your bf and your feelings for him ... you say things are going "pretty good." Can't tell if those are cautious ... or if those words were meant to convey enthusiasm.

 

Hey thanks. “Pretty good” is meant to be positive. My bf is awesome actually , in many ways. He makes me feel safe and our chemistry is pretty strong!

 

I think that because he recently mentioned moving forward in a more “serious@ way/ living together, etc it made me a little nervous. My ex fiancé and I were st that stage and it was amazing until it got ugly, kind of swiftly. I don’t want that to happen with my current bf.

 

I feel like my heart is completely in this relationship. I also think that I have things to work on personally, like acceptance of my feelings for my ex and realizing that those feelings don’t make me BAD. I’m not searching for him but he was FAMILIAR.

[surferchic]

Sounds like your inner alarm warns you this is escalating too fast. What kind of moving too fast are we talking about?

 

Him mentioning looking for a place (condo/house) together. Not to move right away but just to go looking now in order to be living together by this time next year...because 1- my job location might cause me to move further away from him (same metro area, but further away than I am now). 2- he knows that my ex fiancé is local and not somewhere far far away/out of state. 3- we both know how we feel for one another and perhaps this is a natural progression... maybe I’m just neurotic...?

[lurker74]

Surfer, Mart Twain once said:

 

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”

 

What this means is that experience should be a guide, not a constraint. You haven't shared what your thoughts are but it is highly likely that you are experiencing some level of recurrence. I will say, however, that you should spend some significant time and energy trying to understand the thoughts, not block them. Somehow, your subconscious is leaking through and telling you something. It could be bad - that you should run when you shouldn't - or it could be good - that you are falling in love but should take things more slowly.

 

It could also cause you to be like the cat and thereby cause more damage to your current relationship than is justified. Sadly, as great as LS is, we can't do therapy by forum but perhaps you should explore the thoughts with a therapist so that you can understand their power for both good and bad.

[Gaeta]

Him mentioning looking for a place (condo/house) together. Not to move right away but just to go looking now in order to be living together by this time next year...because 1- my job location might cause me to move further away from him (same metro area, but further away than I am now). 2- he knows that my ex fiancé is local and not somewhere far far away/out of state. 3- we both know how we feel for one another and perhaps this is a natural progression... maybe I’m just neurotic...?

 

 

How long exactly have you been dating? I am reading in your May thread that you've been dating a few months, how many months?

 

 

A few months is too early to be visiting condos. This is too much too fast. You are in your getting-to-know phase still. Your bf is skipping steps and it's not healthy for any relationships. You don't have to go along with him and all of his plans. Tell him next year would be a more appropriate time to start visiting places and consider moving in together.

 

 

 

Your point 1,2 and 3 are no good reasons to be rushing into moving in. A few metro stations has never kept 2 people from being together. I don't know why it matters whether your ex lives in the same city or same State, and sure you feel strongly about each other but that can change, again, you are only in your getting-to-know each other. It takes a good 2 years to get out of your honeymoon phase and really know someone.

[surferchic]

How long exactly have you been dating? I am reading in your May thread that you've been dating a few months, how many months?

 

 

A few months is too early to be visiting condos. This is too much too fast. You are in your getting-to-know phase still. Your bf is skipping steps and it's not healthy for any relationships. You don't have to go along with him and all of his plans. Tell him next year would be a more appropriate time to start visiting places and consider moving in together.

 

 

 

Your point 1,2 and 3 are no good reasons to be rushing into moving in. A few metro stations has never kept 2 people from being together. I don't know why it matters whether your ex lives in the same city or same State, and sure you feel strongly about each other but that can change, again, you are only in your getting-to-know each other. It takes a good 2 years to get out of your honeymoon phase and really know someone.

 

True. We’re still in the getting to know each other stage. We’ve only been dating for about 4 months.

 

It doesn’t matter to me if we’re in different cities since this area is already spread out. But he is more controlling than he owns up to and to be honest , part of me likes it. Maybe that’s unhealthy but it’s true. That’s also how my Ex was.

[surferchic]

Surfer, Mart Twain once said:

 

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”

 

What this means is that experience should be a guide, not a constraint. You haven't shared what your thoughts are but it is highly likely that you are experiencing some level of recurrence. I will say, however, that you should spend some significant time and energy trying to understand the thoughts, not block them. Somehow, your subconscious is leaking through and telling you something. It could be bad - that you should run when you shouldn't - or it could be good - that you are falling in love but should take things more slowly.

 

It could also cause you to be like the cat and thereby cause more damage to your current relationship than is justified. Sadly, as great as LS is, we can't do therapy by forum but perhaps you should explore the thoughts with a therapist so that you can understand their power for both good and bad.

 

Thank you. Yep @ therapy. I’ve done that a while ago and need to start back. It’s helpful and many ways.

 

I’m working on not making hasty decisions based on a mere emotion that may or may NOT be rational. The breakup with my ex was traumatic in a sense for me because a lot was going on in my life during that time in addition to me leaving a man I loved, not because I really wanted to but because it was the best decision for my own good. (He was great in some ways but controlling and angry and tried hiding some of his “habits” the whole time we were together.) Thinking back now helps me realize the attraction to him wasn’t healthy. It was based on some familiar traits I saw in him from childhood and men in my family. Yes I have work to do on myself and it can be overwhelming.

[Gaeta]

True. We’re still in the getting to know each other stage. We’ve only been dating for about 4 months.

 

It doesn’t matter to me if we’re in different cities since this area is already spread out. But he is more controlling than he owns up to and to be honest , part of me likes it. Maybe that’s unhealthy but it’s true. That’s also how my Ex was.

 

 

Women getting out of controlling/abusive relationships will often throw themselves into another one right after. The control and abuse feel familiar to these women because that's all they've known, they misinterpret control for care and love.

 

 

 

Your alarm is telling you this current bf has similarities with the ex abusive fiancé. You know what you need to do.

[kendahke]

 

I’ll assume that well and faded means I have images & thoughts of my X that haunt me almost... if that’s what you mean, then the answer is YES. I hate to admit.

 

No, it means that you are still harboring unfinished emotional business, which allows the mind to set up/fall into patterns of behavior to bring about a meeting with the ex.

 

"Are you emotionally done with your ex?", should have been the way the question was worded.

[surferchic]

No, it means that you are still harboring unfinished emotional business, which allows the mind to set up/fall into patterns of behavior to bring about a meeting with the ex.

 

"Are you emotionally done with your ex?", should have been the way the question was worded.

 

Ok. Well I supoose I’m not completely emotionally detached from my ex. I don’t want to be with him again because those negatives aspects outweigh other stuff.

 

I don’t plan to meet with him.