Boyfriend's STD test and the questions in my head

[bathtub-row]

I'm sitting here scratching my head trying to figure out why he even thought it was relevant to tell you about the test at all. He knew it would raise questions in your mind. Not a bright move on his part, whether he's innocent or not.

 

Yes, the 'when I get back from Thailand' remark would've raised a million questions in my head. I think he's really good at saying what he thinks you want to hear but is quite clueless about how it comes across. I also honestly doubt he hadn't had sex since early 2018.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Change it to Thailand and suddenly the guy is banging under age prostitutes ladyboys.

 

Fixed that for you.

 

At least, that would be my initial accusation. I'd have levied it as soon as he said we could talk about exclusivity after his trip to Thailand.

 

As of now I would insist on a full STI panel as a starting point.

[Flame Aura]

I can guarantee you 100% he slept with at least one person in Thailand. Anyone that has been there knows this. That's the reason single guys go there, not the beaches. You walk into a club, look around, and literally take your pick what girl you want.

 

I know as I have done the exact same thing. Went their after my first serious relationship finished. Good times. Went for a STI test too..

[elaine567]

I think you have to assume that he slept with someone in Thailand.

Sun, sea and sex is what attracts single guys to go on trips on their own, to places like Thailand.

He may or may not have taken advantage of the "local delights" including prostitutes but he will no doubt have found someone to have sex with.

 

Assuming he stayed true, is not in your best interests.

Full STI testing for you both asap is in order.

[2much4]

I wouldn't have thought anything about it if he had a full check up, but ONLY chlamydia and gonorrhea is weird....

 

There could be several reasons why he only checked those two:

- it's the two most common stds

- not sure about this one: there's a risk to get infected even with a condom

- he had sex with someone who got infected

 

The timing is kinda weird too. If you look up how long after exposure you can get reliable std test results you'll find:

gonorrhea and chlamydia: two weeks

syphilis: one week to three months

HIV: 6 weeks to 3 months

 

You can do the math yourself. I don't think there's any way to tell if he did have a fling in thailand, but the whole situation is pretty weird.

[d0nnivain]

The idea that my new guy didn't want to be exclusive before embarking on a trip anywhere would make me think that he wanted the freedom to at least have a ONS or vacation fling. While morally it wouldn't be my place to regulate his behavior I would have health questions when he got back.

[Iris The Butterfly]

OP- you’re torturing yourself. If you don’t trust him, end the relationship. Or, if you’d like to continue, you need to wash out all thoughts of hookers in Thailand or a fling while he was talking to you every day, or any insecurities about the STD tests. If you hadn’t had sex for months it seems like there’s a lot of practicality going on. Maybe he wanted to cover all bases - by taking the C/D test because he was about to have sex with you for the first time.

 

I think your insecurities have gotten the better of you. At that early stage of your relationship let’s just say he DID hook up with someone. IF that were true, would you continue the relationship? If the answer is no, then you have to take him at his word and what he told you. If that’s not enough for you, let him go.

 

The choice is yours. It’s a shame that the trust issues are getting in the way. Are you focusing on this particular incident- Thailand and STD (seems unrelated to me) ... or is there something else he’s doing or saying or not doing that causes you to be insecure?

Edited June 20, 2019 by littlebridge

[lurker74]

The idea that my new guy didn't want to be exclusive before embarking on a trip anywhere would make me think that he wanted the freedom to at least have a ONS or vacation fling. While morally it wouldn't be my place to regulate his behavior I would have health questions when he got back.

 

Just curious...why is it the travel that leads you to the health question? If he simply said he wasn't ready to be exclusive, that's already pretty much telling you that he might or will sleep around. Why does a trip make that worse? Because in my mind, when you go from being non-exclusive to exclusive, you should both get tested. But maybe that's because I like to go from condoms to no condoms in a safe but quick manner.

[BaileyB]

Personally, I would not be comfortable with "let's talk exclusivity after Thailand" coupled with the half arsed STD test that immediately followed, only checking for a couple of things. Plus the "you're a smart girl" comment.

 

I agree. At best, it’s super condescending. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up... it’s like, some kind of a test. He knows something and he’s testing you to see if you can put it together.

[Curiousroxy86]

Hmmmm what would I do...

 

if I dated a guy for two months no exclusivity I would have ignored him

 

If I dated guy and he mentioned a trip To Thailand i wouldn’t think any thing of it because I would be multi dating myself. Granted I wouldn’t be having sex. But honestly any guy you date before exclusivity could technically be screwing someone locally too.

 

If I dated a guy who mentioned he wanted to be exclusive but wait till he comes back from the Thailand trip. I would think he is trying to put me on the shelf. I would NOT have waited on him to come back. Just kept on dating and ignore him not because he is going on a trip but because he is a dag on fool thinking I’m going to be waiting like a puppy dog while he go wild out on a trip for him to decide if he want to be with me or not lol

 

If a dated a guy and he comes back from the trip and asked me to be exclusive and if I was still interested I would ask for the std test from the jump and if all is well we can be together and I wouldn’t care about what he did when we were not exclusive since I would have been multi dating anyway.

 

If I dated a guy for six months and he felt the need to tell me he took an std test on his own and I would be suspicious but wouldn’t have much to go on. Would probably snoop to ease my sanity and find out if I let an F boy through the cracks lol and if things check out go back to trusting him and enjoying the relationship.

 

So for you op. I think you should not worry about Thailand now. You didn’t seem to worry about it then lol. And I know you don’t want to hear this but you wasn’t together and you didn’t put up a boundary when he first pulled that bs line on you back then. You six months in.

 

What I think you should worry about right now is you and him taking a real full std test clinic style.

 

If he declines let his butt go

 

If he agrees and y’all are clean you can either stay with him for now. Snoop and make sure you don’t have some closet f boy cheater on your hands. And if all is well go back to trusting and stick with him

 

Otherwise breakup

 

All you can do my friend

 

Good luck

Edited June 20, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[sensitivegirl0]

First of all, thank you for all your replies.

 

I am reading and processing all of them.

 

I want to add some more info here which might explain whats happening in terms of trust in our relationship.

 

I honestly started trusting him until one month ago when I found out that he lied to me about his past or simple things.

 

Lie 1: One night, he went on his social media to show me a picture, I saw a video of him, from 2015, with a girl and two other friends. In a friendly and light manner, I asked him who she was, he said "hmmmmm I think it is my friends sister, i cant remember" I could feel that he was lying. There were lots of pictures of him with this girl and it was obvious that there was somethng between them. He told me she was a friend of him and he was scared to tell me because he was topless and I would misunderstand. But I was like this is a video from 2015, why would I misunderstand and what would i misunderstand exactly? I was thinking to myself, why would he lie to my face so easily like this when there is no reason?

 

Lie 2: Same night, before this happened, I saw a picture of him with another girl again from 2015, I asked him who she was. He said he was casually having sex with her last year and the year before (and apparently this is the girl he had sex with in May 2018, but he deleted her before we even started dating because according to him he didnt want to have casual sex anymore and he wanted to find a girl to have a meaningful relationship with). Then, i dont know if it is good or bad, I found out from a friend of him randomly around two months later, he was seeing this girl on and off since 2015 summer..

 

Again, I was so disappointed. He lied to me again about a very simple thing like this. When we talked, he said he was worried about what I would think of him if he told me the whole truth. He said he is not proud of what he has done in the past, thats why he didnt want to tell me the whole truth. For him what happened in the past was not important so he didnt feel the need to tell me how long they were sleeping together. tAlthough he wanted to tell me the truth after the lie, he was scared that he might lose me so he just let it go. This time I wasnt sure if I wanted to continue with him or not. Because firstly, he wasnt not honest and he seemed to lie easily to my face. And also he was scared to be vulnerable with me and be himself around me, without the fear that I would judge him and leave him based on what he did in the past. I never judged him until now. I always told him noone is perfect. And that I want to get to know him and want him to tell me anything about himself so that we can connect and become one. He promised me that he wont lie again and he will open up to me. (there were lots of other things that we discussed and told each other, for instance, he told me when he had sex with her in May 2018, he felt disgusted of himself and that he realised that he didnt want to do casual sex anymore and he said he didnt shared this info with anyone before which is very personal to him and he didnt even think he would be talking about these things with anyone or me).

 

Lie?: After a few weeks, this STD conversation happened.

 

Lie 3: When I thought about it, he also told me he never did any drugs when we first met. but two/three weeks after this convo, when he was drunk he told me that one time he tried a pill when they went to a party with friends. Perhaps this was the first time I cought him telling half truth but i didnt say anything to him (perhaps my fault).

 

I personally dont think he is a bad guy or a playboy or someone who would go and have sex with random girls..

 

(For instance, we were in Amsterdam 6 weeks ago. And I wanted to visit RLD with him. He was not so keen but we went because I really wanted to go. When we were there and seeing sex workers in windows, he told me he feels bad and has compassion for sex workers)

 

.. But because of these lies, I have a hard time believing him about this whole Thailand and STD test thing. Even though he promised me not to lie again, he could be scared to tell me the truth because of the fear of losing me again, who knows.

Edited June 21, 2019 by sensitivegirl0

[frus69]

He sounds somewhat pretentious and phony

 

Lie in order to not lose you,so he lies for his own benefit, not for your good. Red flag

[sensitivegirl0]

 

.. But because of these lies, I have a hard time believing him about this whole Thailand and STD test thing. Even though he promised me not to lie again, he could be scared to tell me the truth because of the fear of losing me again, who knows.

 

To correct this last paragraph: I have a hard time trusting him 100% because I dont know if he is a liar or just a normal person who lies or tells half-truths, like all of us do, from time to time. And because I am not sure, I dont know if I should believe him about this whole Thailand and STD test thing.

 

And like some of you said, I am not sure about what happened in Thailand thing even matters right now. The important thing is why cant I trust him? Or will I ever do?

 

Also I dont wanna be thinking about these things, I want to be in a relationship where my mind is at peace.

 

(PS: I told him that we should both go for full STD check, he agreed so we are going soon).

Edited June 21, 2019 by sensitivegirl0

[frus69]

I dont know if he is a liar or just a normal person who lies or tells half-truths, like all of us do, from time to time. .

 

Wait, I dont lie to my partner..from time to time..

[lana-banana]

Your most recent posts change everything. This is no longer about Thailand or cheating or STDs. If he is lying to you repeatedly something is very wrong, full stop. You need an STD test to include HSV but that is the least of your worries here. Someone who comfortably lies to you again and again is not a good partner. Why would you stay with someone you can't trust?

[guest569]

These are BIG lies. Aside from the drug one.. in that case maybe he meant he never used drugs - but forgot about the 1 time he took a pill. But the 'oh, that's just my friend's sister or .. something.. uh I dunno' ugh! Please!

[healing light]

Personally, I would insist on a full 10 panel STD test before becoming intimate with someone--the link provided halfway through this thread is great. I would not "punish" someone after the fact for revealing they took an STD test a few months in advance in anticipation we would be sleeping together.

 

I think it's the responsible thing to do regardless of whether there were Thailand hookups--since he clearly did not have an STD test since before the last time he had slept with someone in May 2018. Condoms do not protect from all STDs, they just reduce your chances. That's just me, that's what I would insist regardless of whether or not the last partners he had were protected sex. So I'm glad you're both getting tested now. Better late than never.

 

I would overlook the pill thing. Not a big deal in my mind. It's in the past, he's not an active drug user, and one pill one time at a party is something that someone could easily forget when being asked about drug use because they wouldn't consider themselves a user in their minds.

 

Now, Girl A that he said was a friend's sister... kind of a weird answer if there were lots of pictures. If he readily admitted to sleeping with Girl B on and off for a few years, what difference does it make that it started in 2015? He's not hiding the fact that he's slept with her several times. From your post, it sounds like he was pictured with 2 different women during the same year. According to the friend, he was on and off with Girl B for at least 3 years--maybe there was some overlap with Girl A that he didn't want to admit? Hence, "friend's sister."

 

But, again, both of them are in the past. So you can either decide that you trust this guy or you don't. Has he given you any signs that he's not invested in this relationship?

[nodramallama]

He told me she was a friend of him and he was scared to tell me because he was topless and I would misunderstand.

 

When we talked, he said he was worried about what I would think of him if he told me the whole truth. He said he is not proud of what he has done in the past, thats why he didnt want to tell me the whole truth.

 

Although he wanted to tell me the truth after the lie, he was scared that he might lose me so he just let it go.

 

Even though he promised me not to lie again, he could be scared to tell me the truth because of the fear of losing me again, who knows.

 

So much BS here. It is not his job to manage your feelings and decide what YOU can or cannot handle. This is a controlling tactic for him to feel better about himself and his actions by trying to control your feelings. It's not caring about your feelings at all. What a selfish twat.

 

And this will only be the tip of the iceberg if you continue to date him.

Edited June 21, 2019 by nodramallama
grammar

[Curiousroxy86]

too many pump the brake moments coming out of his mouth. each thing within itself could be forgiveable but all together spells f boy to me lol

 

drop this clown

[Iris The Butterfly]

Can I ask- what business is it of yours to ask him about women he may or may not have slept with in ..did you say 2015?? So what if he slept with someone over a year ago. You hadn’t met yet is that right? I don’t see why you would even ask him these things. There’s no reason that I can see. Are you looking at his social media and tripping about it? We all have a past. Don’t you have pictures sometimes of guys you were invoked with? So what if he slept with or dated someone before? Even months before he met you. He’s with you now isn’t he?

As far as the taking the pill at the party, I don’t consider that “using drugs”. He probably forgot about it.

I don’t consider any thing you’ve mentioned so far a “lie”. He probably doesn’t want to talk to you about his past sexual experiences because he knows it will make you upset. So he seems to skirt around it rather than outright lying. I would do the same in his shoes I think... I would brush it off or minimize it in an effort to spare the other persons feelings which I think he’s doing with you.

 

 

Personally, I think your insecurity and jealousy over women from his past before he met and started dating you is causing you to try and find reasons to mistrust him. And I promise you, if you do..: it will ruin the relationship. Once again-you have to make a choice.

 

My bad ex in my 20s slept with someone else while we were separated by location for a couple months. As far as I know we were still committed but not in the same city. I didn’t find out he slept with someone else until YEARS after I left him.

But I remember feeling something off and had a suspicion at the time. He denied anything was going on. I chose to believe him and continued on. I was confronted with the same choice I’m urging you to make. If I couldn’t trust him I couldn’t be with him. I chose to trust him. I turned out to be very wrong but at least I knew I made the choice. You are talking about women he was or wasn’t with before he even was dating you. Not someone he was with during.

 

I think you need to take a hard look at your insecurities and determine if they are justified or if you are searching for a reason to mistrust him. If you can’t trust him, you need to dump him.

[crispytoast]

The Thailand trip by itself does not raise suspicion. It's the rest of the lying that I have a problem with. Although being upset because he *gasp* ate a pill once is ridiculous.

So you are having trust issues with this guy, and for good reason: he lied about things that a man with integrity could've talked about honestly with ease. He might be generally dishonest, you might be a little uptight, it's probably a little bit of both. Do the both of you a favor and move on because you clearly aren't compatible.

[kendahke]

I found out that he lied to me about his past or simple things.

 

Why. Are. You. Still. With. A. Liar?

 

What are you getting out of being with a liar, because you wouldn't be there with him without some kind of pay-off for you.

Edited June 21, 2019 by kendahke

[healing light]

Can I ask- what business is it of yours to ask him about women he may or may not have slept with in ..did you say 2015?? So what if he slept with someone over a year ago. You hadn’t met yet is that right? I don’t see why you would even ask him these things. There’s no reason that I can see. Are you looking at his social media and tripping about it? We all have a past. Don’t you have pictures sometimes of guys you were invoked with? So what if he slept with or dated someone before? Even months before he met you. He’s with you now isn’t he?

As far as the taking the pill at the party, I don’t consider that “using drugs”. He probably forgot about it.

I don’t consider any thing you’ve mentioned so far a “lie”. He probably doesn’t want to talk to you about his past sexual experiences because he knows it will make you upset. So he seems to skirt around it rather than outright lying. I would do the same in his shoes I think... I would brush it off or minimize it in an effort to spare the other persons feelings which I think he’s doing with you.

 

 

Personally, I think your insecurity and jealousy over women from his past before he met and started dating you is causing you to try and find reasons to mistrust him. And I promise you, if you do..: it will ruin the relationship. Once again-you have to make a choice.

 

I agree with this completely. Not everyone even discusses their past romantic partners with their current one. Either you trust him, or you don't. I don't see what need you would have for sleuthing unless to validate your already established opinion that you can't trust him. In which case, you need to be fair to both of you and work on your insecurities and set him free.

[guest569]

^But I reckon if a photo popped up and my partner asked 'who is that?' I would be honest. In fact, most people probably ensure these photos with exes aren't lying around anyway, so they don't have to discuss their exes.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Another point, if i were in his shoes I would feel cornered about questions about members of the opposite sex in my social media pictures. My bf now knows I had a past and was with other men before him, even right up to the months before him. The past really should stop mattering once you become an item. If he ever asked me, “hey who’s that guy in that picture?” I’d say- “my ex bf, or a friend, or someone I dated” like your bf, he was put under the gun, and seems to me left out some really harmless details like the last time he hooked up with someone. You’re talking 2015! Or even 2018! I can’t find the lie in anything he said about that. There’s nothing to lie about! What reason would he have to lie about someone he was or wasn’t hooking up with since 2015?? His past is really none of your concern. I re read your posts and I still think he just told you a version of the story just to get the heat off him. He didn’t lie outright as far as I see.

 

If you can’t get over him maybe having sex with other women before he met you even before you became an official item, you should not be together.

It truly seems to me as if you are looking for reasons to mistrust him, and you will end up pushing him away if not already.