sensitivegirl0 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Hello everyone, I posted here back in December about the guy I started to see back then. He went to Thailand in December for two weeks on his own (with a travel group tho and random people who all met in Thailand and spend around 14 days together). We were in a funny place before he left. We were dating for almost three months but we weren't exclusive. We were actually just starting to speak about exclusivity but he told me after Thailand it will happen. ( I was also in a very stressful time, I had one month to submit my PhD thesis when he left). I was worried about him "cheating" when in Thailand even though we were not technically exclusive. Anyways, fast-forward, he asked me to be his gf on the day I submitted my thesis. And we are in a relationship since then. (6 months now). A couple of weeks ago I asked him over text when he got tested for STD last time. He said to me, end of January. He wrote: "I saw that we were getting serious, so I wanted to be on the safe side and get tested before we started having sex". And prior to that, he had a blood test for a general health check-up in May 2018. BUT he told me also that (another time I think) last time he had sex was in May 2018 and it was protected sex. In fact, he said he always used condoms and never had unprotected sex. He went even further and said he didn't have so much sex until now (he is 28). He showed me the email from STD check results the same night we had this conversation, and I saw that he got tested for chlamydia and gonorrhea. He did one of those home kit tests. When I saw that I was shocked. I right away thought he must have done something in Thailand. I asked him he said he didn't do anything. and he said that he knows I am a smart girl, he knew I would right away think he did something when he showed me the test results (or tell me he did a test in January). But according to him, because he didn't do anything, he could tell me about it. I am not sure if I should believe him. Why would he do gonorrhea and chlamydia test if he didn't have sex since May 2018??? I know these infections can be in the body without any symptoms for a long time, but the timing is just weird. and he didn't say, back in January anything like "I am going to get tested because we are getting serious, etc...". Just so strange. Am I overthinking? And please don't comment things like " you weren't even exclusive, why does it matter even if he did something". Because we talk about how lying, hiding things or cheating is something I will never tolerate because even my father cheated on my mum when I was a kid. And he promised he would never do anything to hurt me. Plus he messaged me every day when in Thailand, trying to show me that and telling me that he will only have eyes for me. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 If I get a std done I'd test everything no matter I had sex or not. Why are you so suspicious he has done a test? Not like hes positive anyway. Did he do anything suspicious? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sensitivegirl0 Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 He didn't go to a clinic, he didn't do a blood test or full checkup. He bought a home test from the pharmacy (for gonorrhea and chlamydia only). That's what made me suspicious. Or maybe I am overthinking or being very suspicious as always Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Did he just do the test for you? Because he said he wants to show you hes clean before you have sex Link to post Share on other sites
Author sensitivegirl0 Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 We started having sex in May. And he did the test in January. And he told me about it when I asked him a couple of weeks ago (after we started having sex). He said he did it to make sure he is clean before we start having sex. But, I seem to have doubts because of the reasons I explained in my post. Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 There's no way to know unless you are him. We can't tell you if hes definately shady or definately innocent. If you can't trust him though, don't be with him. Relationship doesnt work on suspicions Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I get tested once a year at least, even when I’m in a LTR. It’s not because I cheat or anything, but because I feel I can never be too careful. So I think you’re overthinking it. Thought, I don’t know how accurate a homekit can be. I always go to the clinic to have a blood and urine test. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 What about all the other tests? Trichomoniasis Gardnerella Mycoplasma Ureaplasma HIV Syphilis Hepatitis B Herpes Simplex Virus I & II 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 When was his last STD testing done before January 2019? Had he ever had it done? You said his bloodwork in May 2018 was just general health bloodwork. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Given the incubation period for many STDs I always understood that a person should be tested every 6 months. So January of 2019 was a bit late; November would have been exactly 6 months While it would raise some suspicion in my mind too -- you & he weren't exclusive & he was off on an exotic holiday -- at least the test was negative. That said if he didn't get tested for AIDS, it's not that great or comforting of a test. See the list elaine567 posted too. It boils down to whether you trust him or not. If he's telling the truth, he is somewhat of a considerate BF. Still use condoms for another 6 months. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I personally would require an STD test to be done by a physician. I don’t like to say that I would still have sex with condoms, but I’m not even sure I would be comfortable with that. It’s just who I am, I don’t take unsafe and unnecessary risks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Just me but I would have dumped him right after he said "When I get back from Thailand, we will talk of exclusivity." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I don't know but how he said talk after he got back from Thailand about being exclusive seems shady to me. I don't know who he went to Thailand with, I assume with some guy friends. He may not have had sex when there but in my mind it is a good possibility If you want to be sure he is clean here you go. If he does not want to go to a doctor or have health insurance. Very reputable and good, not much money. https://www.stdcheck.com/std-test-panel.php I am not sure you and him are a good match as it seems... I wish you luck Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I am not sure if I should believe him. Well, if you don't believe him, then you need to break up with him. You've already decided he's a liar, so why are you still with him? What's the point? You like being aggravated by something you don't believe? This is a no-brainer that you're making complicated as string theory. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Just me but I would have dumped him right after he said "When I get back from Thailand, we will talk of exclusivity." Excellent point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Lots of people go to Thailand and don't have sex with sex workers. Even some men. I know...shocking. And the idea that a man gets tested but the being tested part causes suspicion rather than give you a sense of well-being is a crock. If you want people to get tested regularly (and you should) then don't punish them when they do. The lack of Herpes and syphilis (and HIV) is concerning. You could insist he get a better screen, but being suspicious because someone is doing the right thing seems unfair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Lots of people go to Thailand and don't have sex with sex workers. Even some men. I know...shocking. But, you have to admit that "we'll be exclusive after my trip to Thailand" raises a little bit of suspicion.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I think that you're right to be suspicious of the timing of the test given what he said before he went on vacation. But, you're the one in the relationship with the guy and you know him; random folks on an internet forum don't. So, stick with the relationship if you trust him. If you can't, then you should call it off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 But, you have to admit that "we'll be exclusive after my trip to Thailand" raises a little bit of suspicion.... It only raises suspicion because of everyone's assumptions about Thailand. If I were on a few dates with you, CO, and you brought up exclusivity but I knew I had a trip with friends to Toronto next week, I might say, hey, let's talk about it when I get back. Now, that might mean that I don't want to deal with having the GF responsibilities while I am there (texting, calling, etc.) or that I don't want to explain to my friends all week who my new GF is or that yeah, I may meet someone at a club while I'm there and am not ready to be exclusive. But it's Toronto, so no one would be worried. Change it to Thailand and suddenly the guy is banging under age prostitutes. I mean, I get it but if I can't trust a guy not to exploit sex workers, why am I even considering dating him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 But it's Toronto, so no one would be worried. Toronto is a poor comparison, isn't it? I've only been there once, but was pretty shocked by all the legal prostitutes I saw hanging out in the hotel lobby and bar! (But I get your point ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
malaiyas Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I mean, I get it but if I can't trust a guy not to exploit sex workers, why am I even considering dating him? THIS! There is absolutely the chance that you're overreacting. I know you don't want to hear that it doesn't matter because you weren't exclusive at the time, but the simple reality is exactly that. No reading into things, no determining why he didn't want to become exclusive before the trip - you were not exclusive yet. Maybe he did want one final hurrah that he didn't want to have to explain. Maybe he just wanted to go Thailand. Maybe, maybe, maybe... Many men are big on compartmentalizing, in general. It could be that Thailand was an all consuming trip at the time and he couldn't handle juggling the trip and the relationship, so he compartmentalized by going on the trip and THEN dealing with the relationship after. You'll never know if you don't talk to him, though. If he had anything to hide, he wouldn't have shown you the results in the first place. Maybe he just didn't know when you'd have sex for the first time and wanted to play it safe. Has he given you reason not to trust him? Or are you projecting your father's behavior onto him? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Apples to oranges...Thailand main tourist focus is the sex trade..even just to see it. They have brothels, some you go into a huge room and behind the glass are 20 girls on display in lingerie, each with a number, so you can pick. Way different than hookers hanging out in a bar in Toronto. Even if he didn't get enticed, he made sure his options were open by not committing quite yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Apples to oranges...Thailand main tourist focus is the sex trade..even just to see it. They have brothels, some you go into a huge room and behind the glass are 20 girls on display in lingerie, each with a number, so you can pick. Way different than hookers hanging out in a bar in Toronto. Even if he didn't get enticed, he made sure his options were open by not committing quite yet. I disagree. Thailand is amazing. It has temples and beaches and elephant sanctuaries. If has multiple cuisines and mountains and jungles. It has first rate night life unrelated to the sex trade. And yes, it has some pretty odd stuff that occurs too. But I've been there and I have been to Amsterdam and I have successfully avoided having sex with anyone for money - and in the case of Thailand, anyone at all It's like saying that you can expect to lose your house in Vegas because the only reason to go to Vegas is to gamble too much. Now, when I go to Vegas, I like to watch other gamble and when I was in Bangkok, I visited some...interesting...bars. But that was just to see what all of the hub bub was about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I remember the earlier thread, and I remember being disgusted by how many people seemed to think one of the oldest and most magnificent civilizations (not to mention the landscape, my god) in the world has nothing to offer people except sex tourism. The idea that the "main tourism focus" is the sex trade is so far off and frankly offensive I can't even begin. Millions of people go there every year to see mind-boggling temples, museums, waterfalls, and art. It's also one of the cheapest places you can go as a tourist, so it's very popular with younger people. I also remember thinking that it was infinitely more likely that he might've had a thing for one of the other girls in the tour group. Maybe that was why he didn't want to be exclusive at the time---he wanted to see where that might go. And he decided to be with you instead. Again, the issue is whether you trust him. I think more conversations are in order. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 This is dodgy as hell, and regardless of what country he visited in December. I would recommend that you both get proper tests at a clinic (and consider that incubation period mentioned above, I believe 3 months). Personally, I would not be comfortable with "let's talk exclusivity after Thailand" coupled with the half arsed STD test that immediately followed, only checking for a couple of things. Plus the "you're a smart girl" comment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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