SweetCharity Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 I finally hung out with this new guy I mentioned. Unfortunately it was very brief and he mentioned he wasn't looking for a relationship right now and that he was still getting over his ex. They were together 4 years and it seems she doesn't want to pursue the relationship further. I told him a little bit about what I was going through and that I thought he was very cute but I'm not trying to force anything. So he walked me out and said we should hang out this week. Nothing happened. Just a chaste hug. I'll admit I went home disappointed but I'm trying this new thing where I just get to know someone and don't jump into bed with them. Since then, we've publically commented on each other's stuff on Instagram but that's it. Was I friendzoned? I had asked him what was going on between us when we hung out and he told me he didn't know. Should I just leave him alone now? Not bother getting to know him on just a friendly level? He seems to have a lot on his plate and I'm not looking to get hurt again. We have similar interests so a friendship isn't out of the question but I'm really not good at keeping my feelings in check. Meanwhile I'm still dealing with my ex. He doesn't understand boundaries and tells me I'm still not doing anything with my life. Maybe he's right. Thoughts?
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 This man meant that if you are looking for serious dating than you'll be wasting your time and feelings on him. Date for the sake of dating, don't be exclusive, have fun, that's all. None of you are in a state of mind to expect anything serious. And WHY are you talking to the ex and letting him judge you life? block him. 2
TheFinalWord Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 He's not into you for whatever reason. You can't control what he wants or is looking for in a woman. However, you can control your life. You're definitely not ready if you're letting your ex influence you. Why is he commenting on your life at all? That's not fair to a new guy trying to get to know you. I would bolt if I knew you were still taking life advice from your ex. You're not together. Cut him off, heal if you need to, then start opening yourself up to dating. If he doesn't understand boundaries, you need to enforce them yourself. You're letting him in. That's totally within your control to change.
mark clemson Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 +1 on the aboves. It sounds like your ex is orbiting/running interference out of residual emotional attachment/jealousy. NOT something you need right now as it can interfere with you moving on in your own way/ideal pace...
Author SweetCharity Posted June 18, 2019 Author Posted June 18, 2019 He's not into you for whatever reason. You can't control what he wants or is looking for in a woman. However, you can control your life. You're definitely not ready if you're letting your ex influence you. Why is he commenting on your life at all? That's not fair to a new guy trying to get to know you. I would bolt if I knew you were still taking life advice from your ex. You're not together. Cut him off, heal if you need to, then start opening yourself up to dating. If he doesn't understand boundaries, you need to enforce them yourself. You're letting him in. That's totally within your control to change. I'm working on getting a clean break from my ex. And you really think it's a "he's just not that into you" situation? That really blows. :/
Author SweetCharity Posted June 18, 2019 Author Posted June 18, 2019 This man meant that if you are looking for serious dating than you'll be wasting your time and feelings on him. Date for the sake of dating, don't be exclusive, have fun, that's all. None of you are in a state of mind to expect anything serious. And WHY are you talking to the ex and letting him judge you life? block him. Casual dating has NEVER been fun for me. It's always been disappointing and frustrating.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 He DEFINITELY, is not into you. And a general note: if you ever have to ask whether you've been put in the friendzone, you should assume the person is not interested in you. The vast majority of people who are interested in us can make that crystal clear ... After all, they'll be excited and passionate and hopeful. Give this guy credit: he told you he's getting over his ex. Anyone tells you that, it's over. Stay away. That means if the ex were to put in a call at 3 a.m. he would leave a bed he's sharing with you to go see the ex! And wouldn't hesitate a moment. It also means his esteem is likely in the toilet (happens when we get dumped). Means during this time ... other women (or men) won't match the good qualities of the ex in his mind. Now, here's a mild qualification. This guy used the euphemistic line, "I'm not looking for anything serious." Often from men (I'm a man) that means ... I'm not interested in dating you seriously or being obligated to return your calls or meet with you regularly, but if you're willing to have sex with no-strings-attached, I'd be down for that. But don't expect anything. I assume that's not what you're looking for. 4
Author SweetCharity Posted June 18, 2019 Author Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) @Lotsgoingon.. Well damn. That really stings. And no, casual sex ends up hurting me in the long run. It's not what I'm looking for especially not from him. UGH THIS SUCKS! I want to have sex but I don't want to get hurt again so I feel like I'm in this horrible exile. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Lotsgoingon Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 Well damn. That really stings. And no, casual sex ends up hurting me in the long run. It's not what I'm looking for especially not from him. UGH THIS SUCKS! I want to have sex but I don't want to get hurt again so I feel like I'm in this horrible exile. Yes, it sucks ... but... it sucks a lot less now than it would in the future if you to get involved with this guy. 1
Iris The Butterfly Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) I second lotsgoingon. I dated a guy I was gaga for last year. Acted the part of boyfriend and said he wasn’t seeing anyone else...For 5 months! I’m glad he stopped contacting me because I probably would’ve kept seeing him and wasted more time. I really wanted it to work. I really liked him a lot. He pulled The Whole “I’m not ready for a relationship right now, I’m still heartbroken over my ex” talk after 3 months and spending the holidays together. Yet he still liked me and wanted to spend time and have sex and all the good stuff. Looking back I felt friendszoned at a point too when he admitted that. My advice to you is someone who would say that, is telling some kind of truth. They’re also trying to soften the blow by making up an excuse why they don’t want to commit. Maybe he doesn’t like you as much anymore, or the ex came back into the picture or they’re hoping she does, or they want to see what else is out there, or are already dating or talking to other women. . They know you deserve better so they’re being respectful by telling you the truth. What’s €%*ty is that some guys continue to keep their hooks in you knowing you want them. Mine did that to me for awhile until I told him no longer and insisted on exchanging our things. Guess what? He never contacted me again after that. It was over and we never spoke again, I lie it was once or twice right after the last time we spent together. I was so sure he liked me a lot since he told me how much he did, he would contact me or try to keep it going. Never did. I bet someday he will though. They always come back. Just heard from my first boyfriend ever last night after more than 10 years. Be confident you make an impression, men will remember you and often kick themselves later for being idiots to let you go. Bottom line- yes you are in effect “friendzoned” which means “not and never going to be his girlfriend”. He will pursue sex most likely. Continue if you like, but me personally... I don’t want to have sex with someone who told me he doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend. I know it’s hard when the chemistry is amazing and the sex is good and you like the guy. Been there and learned the hard way. I was heartbroken and devastated for 6 months. Finally I was putting efforts into dating again. I met my soon to be boyfriend. He made it clear he wanted to be exclusive and wanted me and only me and asked to be exclusive, within 3 months. No ex drama. Just amazing available and wanted a relationship, with me. You have to remove the losers completely to even have a chance with the good ones. And trust me healthy people wouldn’t put up with an ex in the picture. Being civil and friendly, sure. But talking secretly when one person misses the other and there’s still feelings involved- a person on the outside who wants to be with that person (me and you in this scenario) would be turned off because it shows that person isn’t able or willing to give a full effort. I don’t want something half assed. Do you? Good luck. Edited June 18, 2019 by littlebridge 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 Sounds to me like he and his ex may be in the "breaking up, getting back together, breaking up...." phase of things and things are not completely done between them. You don't want to be a part of that, especially if he was the dumpee. 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) He DEFINITELY, is not into you. And a general note: if you ever have to ask whether you've been put in the friendzone, you should assume the person is not interested in you. The vast majority of people who are interested in us can make that crystal clear ... After all, they'll be excited and passionate and hopeful..... **Reposted for emphasis. Couldn't have said it better myself. Print this off and tape it to your fridge if you have to so you don't make a fool out of yourself. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 Thoughts? He's not interested right now. If you continue to hang out with him you will end up in bed or you will get friend zoned. If you want a relationship with him, keep your distance. Meanwhile process your own break up & make sure you are fully healed & ready to date before you embark on a new relationship. 2
Author SweetCharity Posted June 18, 2019 Author Posted June 18, 2019 Yeah I don't think I'm ready myself to start dating again. It was just nice meeting someone interesting and having that initial banter and hope. But I have literally caught a man with his ex's panties in his bed when they were supposed to be over. So it's not my first rodeo for sure. And not for nothing but I've noticed other girls flitting around on his Instagram. Alternative girls with VHS collections and modeling careers. I don't want/need to be competing with all that. 1
OatsAndHall Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) @SweetCharity.... Personally, as much as I might enjoy someone's company, I cut ties with them if I'm interested in them romantically and it's not reciprocated. I'll be blunt; you only end up in the "Friendzone" if you stick yourself there. There have been times where I've tried to convince myself that I could "just be friends" with a gal I was interested in but it just stung too much. The more time you spend around this guy, the more likely you are to end up hurt. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
kendahke Posted June 19, 2019 Posted June 19, 2019 I finally hung out with this new guy I mentioned. Unfortunately it was very brief and he mentioned he wasn't looking for a relationship right now I'm not trying to force anything. So he walked me out and said we should hang out this week. Nothing happened. Just a chaste hug. I'll admit I went home disappointed. I had asked him what was going on between us when we hung out and he told me he didn't know. This reads to me that although you say you're not trying to force anything, you're trying to force something. Nothing is going between you two when he's already told you clearly that he's not here to be your boyfriend. What was going on was that he's acting like a guy who isn't looking to be anyone's boyfriend or act like anyone's boyfriend, so I'd say he's the one being consistent and you're the one sending mixed signals. Should I just leave him alone now? Not bother getting to know him on just a friendly level? He seems to have a lot on his plate and I'm not looking to get hurt again. We have similar interests so a friendship isn't out of the question but I'm really not good at keeping my feelings in check. Then you need to slow your roll until you're clear on what it is you actually want, because as I said, you're saying one thing, but having expectations about something completely different---and that's not fair to this guy. You do expect more out of him than he has told you he's prepared to offer. If you stick around ignoring what he's plainly telling you and instead, proceeding off your expectations, then yeah, you're going to get hurt and it will be an unforced error. Meanwhile I'm still dealing with my ex. He doesn't understand boundaries and tells me I'm still not doing anything with my life. Maybe he's right. Thoughts? You're still involved with your ex. You're not in a position to expect anything from the new guy until you've cleaned up this emotional mess where you're still giving a rip what your ex says instead of him being on block so you can get on with your life. Do you want to get back with your ex? Then why does his opinion about anything matter?
kendahke Posted June 19, 2019 Posted June 19, 2019 I'm working on getting a clean break from my ex. And you really think it's a "he's just not that into you" situation? That really blows. :/ that verb should be past tense and not active tense, all things being fair. Yeah, he's not into you--or at least, he's not into being forced into a rebound relationship by someone who is not listening to what he is clearly saying.
Author SweetCharity Posted June 21, 2019 Author Posted June 21, 2019 that verb should be past tense and not active tense, all things being fair. Yeah, he's not into you--or at least, he's not into being forced into a rebound relationship by someone who is not listening to what he is clearly saying. I'm not trying to force him to get into a rebound relationship with me. That's unfair to say. I'm not trying to force anyone to do anything. That being said, I finally hung out with him yesterday and he once again reiterated that he's not looking for a relationship. But this time he clarified that he's not looking for a relationship because he thinks that his ex is his soulmate and that eventually he's going to get her back even though she's not interested right now. Nothing to do with me, just that he still loves her. We ended up just talking the whole night and I realized I had built up this thing in my head that didn't exist. I told him I was sorry and he told me not to be sorry. Well. That's that. My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest but that's my fault I guess. I haven't spoken to my ex as well. I haven't blocked him but I'm not going to actively seek him out. Thanks everyone for the replies.
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