JuneL Posted June 17, 2019 Posted June 17, 2019 This situation is more heart-breaking for me because I met him while getting over my cheating ex (also LDR), who also left me for someone else local. This guy knew about that and said, just one month ago, 'I'm going to take much better care of you'.... ….objectively, I feel like I have a lot going for me. These guys both fell in love with me and then decided they weren't serious about me after all. How am I supposed to keep forging ahead with dating when this is what happens? I think many people, men and women, can’t do long distance. They need to have someone local, or they are easily tempted when their partner is not around. 1
Highndry Posted June 17, 2019 Posted June 17, 2019 I think many people, men and women, can’t do long distance. They need to have someone local, or they are easily tempted when their partner is not around. Count me as one as I refuse to do a long distance relationship. It's completely unsatisfying. However, I'd never enter into it to start with. She was learning the language and planning to move there with him. He had other ideas...
nolanola Posted June 17, 2019 Posted June 17, 2019 Your comments are cheering me up. I could have accepted and kept him in my life because I love him - but I knew my self respect would be in tatters. Internet high five!! God, I wish I had had your insight with some of my prior relationships. I know it feels like poo right now, but I think in a few months, you will be SO glad that you stood firm in your boundaries. If nothing else, I think he will respect you and I know that's something a lot of us wish we could have from our exes.
Beendaredonedat Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 That's what almost makes it feel worse. There were no screaming matches, we simply kissed and said goodbye this morning and that's it. Can you believe, I actually feel bad for saying 'no' to continuing contact. I just don't know how I'll ever get him out of my system romantically, if I stay on any terms with him. Well, you left and kept it classy and he will respect you more than you can imagine for being confident in what you want and don't want with him or any other man. Always remember that when one door closes, another always opens. Not on your radar right now, I'm sure but perhaps this door closing will open a door to a man that is close to you that will ring all your bells and make your toes curl too. I told him I don't want to be with someone that is happy to share me and vice versa. I finally had a good sob and it feels like someone has died He is the person I turn to when things go badly, my rock, so I'm really feeling it.Well, it's understandable, we've all been through the pain of a breakup and it feels very similar to the grief we feel when we lose someone to death. It's like going cold turkey off of a drug and now you're going through the withdrawl of no longer getting a hit of your drug (him). Have a good cry, process it but don't let it consume you. In time you will rehab from it all and be open to greeting whoever it is who comes through that new door. Turn to us here if you need to and do rely on friends and family to support you through the stages of grief. Hugs!
Cersei Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 Wow sorry you have this to deal with but you have made the Right decision. Has he ever talked about open relationships before? Has he been in one prior to you?
central Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 There is nothing wrong with open relationships and polyamory, if it's something you want. You don't. He was honest with you and broached the idea before acting on it, which is honest and admirable. Unfortunately, this means you are incompatible in your goals and relationship styles.
Beendaredonedat Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 This situation is more heart-breaking for me because I met him while getting over my cheating ex (also LDR), who also left me for someone else local. This guy knew about that and said, just one month ago, 'I'm going to take much better care of you'.... ….objectively, I feel like I have a lot going for me. These guys both fell in love with me and then decided they weren't serious about me after all. How am I supposed to keep forging ahead with dating when this is what happens? I would, if I were you, start dating locally instead of trying to keep a long distance relationship nurtured.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 I'll tell you what happened - he was approached by a woman who he found extremely attractive and he wants his cake and to eat it, too. If things work out with her, you're ancient history. This isn't a gender thing, women do it, too. I completely agree with everything above, especially the bolded. This other woman who asked him out was what made him realize he wasn't totally on board with you, OP. He wants the chance to try it out with her without losing you completely in case it doesn't work out, but I don't think this would have ended well for you in any case, OP. If he's truly polyamorous rather than simply a guy who has a hard time staying committed at a distance, it likely would have come up long before the opportunity presented itself. 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 18, 2019 Author Posted June 18, 2019 I completely agree with everything above, especially the bolded. This other woman who asked him out was what made him realize he wasn't totally on board with you, OP. He wants the chance to try it out with her without losing you completely in case it doesn't work out, but I don't think this would have ended well for you in any case, OP. If he's truly polyamorous rather than simply a guy who has a hard time staying committed at a distance, it likely would have come up long before the opportunity presented itself. And yet he was the one pushing long distance and asking me to move over there. During recent Skypes, he was still talking like 'so if you do move here ' - then after suggesting the open relationship, he wanted to continue with all that and the visits. Anyway I feel rotten today. Haven't eaten a thing and missed a work meeting. I'm actually living abroad & due to return to my home country in a week. I wish I could just go now as I feel very alone. I agree, btw - reckon it's more that he's met someone he wants to try out rather than being polyamorous. Where does that leave me? Being with him after my cheating ex grew my confidence massively & I thought we were happy just the 2 of us. As I say, it makes me feel shattered, like this will just keep happening. I put myself out there hopefully & get shot down again.
Els Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 There are a few (very few) people in the world who are capable of loving, committed poly relationships. Those people will almost certainly tell you VERY early on (as in, perhaps even the first date) that this is how they live. They won't spring it on you halfway through a monogamous relationship. This dude is most certainly using "poly" as an excuse. 2
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 18, 2019 Author Posted June 18, 2019 There are a few (very few) people in the world who are capable of loving, committed poly relationships. Those people will almost certainly tell you VERY early on (as in, perhaps even the first date) that this is how they live. They won't spring it on you halfway through a monogamous relationship. This dude is most certainly using "poly" as an excuse. And to answer the above question, no, he's never actually been in a poly relationship. Just wants to try it. But I think he really just didn't want to lose me but also wanted to see others. I'm in love with him & for me this means having no desire to date other people. He told me 'I want you to know I respect you so much' during that conversation, btw. I don't know how someone who respects me could say they're cool with me seeing other guys. It was a kick in the teeth.
elaine567 Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 He is 24, he will want sex 24/7, once a month or whenever you show up is not enough. He is not really into polyamory, he just needs to play the field in his new city and have you as back up at home. Like many who suggest open relationships, they do so safe in the knowledge, that while they can explore to their heart's content, their partner due to love and a monogamous mindset will remain faithful. They give "permission" knowing the other would never use it. Had you agreed to this set up that is what would have happened here, he would be happy as Larry off "explorino", and you would be in hell, worried sick at home. 1
central Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 I've done open, poly, and monogamous relationships, and I've done LDR relationships. I have decided that the only way an LDR would work for me is if it is an open relationship (I could make an exception and agree to monogamy/exclusivity if it is assured we can move so as to be in the same place within about 6 months). IMO, LDRs are just a bad idea in almost all cases. And open/poly relationships are unworkable for most people. A small number of people can successfully handle either, and even fewer can handle both at the same time. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 Op: Why do you keep picking men that are long distance to commit to? Long distance relationships are very hard to keep together the best of times and your last two heartbreaks have been with me you dated long distance. Is there a specific reason why you don't date locally? 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 19, 2019 Author Posted June 19, 2019 Op: Why do you keep picking men that are long distance to commit to? Long distance relationships are very hard to keep together the best of times and your last two heartbreaks have been with me you dated long distance. Is there a specific reason why you don't date locally? You make a good point. So guy #1 was someone I met in my homecity. I wasn't planning to date at that time because I was soon moving abroad, but I fell for him and things got serious. We tried LDR while I took a job for 9 months (so there was an end point) & he cheated after 5 months. 6 months later, I met this guy. On the second date, he told me he was moving abroad at *some unspecified time in the future*. As it happens, I ended up asking him to stay longer and he did. Now, however, I would not start another LDR. I will aim to only go for local guys AND guys that have no plans to move in the near future. 2
Beendaredonedat Posted June 20, 2019 Posted June 20, 2019 Now, however, I would not start another LDR. I will aim to only go for local guys AND guys that have no plans to move in the near future. I think that's wise. Good luck in your next adventure in dating. 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 21, 2019 Author Posted June 21, 2019 I think that's wise. Good luck in your next adventure in dating. Thanks. I have been suffering a bit today. Felt very fragile at work and had a good cry when I got home. I was thinking about the fact we were together this time a week ago. I was also thinking about, how just a few hours before he suggested the OR, something had went wrong on our date. He'd reached for my hand and said 'well what does it matter as long as we're together?' & talked about plans to visit me next month. < moments like that seemed genuinely tender & loving, I still can't wrap my head around it. Anyway, I am just venting a bit. Getting it out there while I work through this. Appreciate everyones input that has posted - I've felt the support! 1
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