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How do I get my man to act more manly?

Deedeegypsy

By Deedeegypsy
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Deedeegypsy New Member

Deedeegypsy

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I love my boyfriend with all my heart we were BEST friends for years before we started dating so we have a super strong connection. I would never want to say anything that would hurt his feelings. This guy was the most popular kid in high school, he’s got the coolest car and my god he’s the funniest person I’ve ever met.

 

To his peers, that’s all there is to him. But with me, I know that’s just an eighth of the top layer. And I promise that none of his friends would believe me if I told them he’s the exact opposite. He’s the most sensitive guy ever. Cries a lot when he’s sad or when he’s happy and he loves being taken care of and being babied. He’ll completely change his voice to a baby’s and he’ll make cooing sounds and it was cute at first but now it’s just kinda weird I guess.

 

I’ve mentioned it to him that I don’t want him to Be like that with me all the time but sometimes it’s okay, but the frequency of it since then hasn’t diminished I’m afraid... and I’m scared to tell him straight up like man tf up please because he’ll get so sad and it’s just you know a girl wants to feel like her man is a MAN. Someone who’s gonna take care of her and wear the pants in the relationship you know?

 

I love the person that he is, but I’m scared if I tell him to stop doing it the wrong way, he’ll think I want him to pretend to be something he’s not and that I don’t love the true him. But that’s not the true him, right? Please help. Thanks.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
chillii Established Member

chillii

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Tough one , l was stuck with wanting my ex to be a bit more feminine and not much got through l'm afraid.

ln your case maybe try just not babying him as much , back of when he starts acting like an idiot, sorry for want of a better word.

  • Like 1
Veronica73 Established Member

Veronica73

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Your post is kind of confusing.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

I imagine you are both very young.

 

But you are basically asking us to confirm for you that his sensitive side isn’t “real”, and telling him to man-up will get him back to the way he really is. You seem to care more about your own needs, than accepting him as he is.

 

How are we supposed to know who the “true” him really is?

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You knew who he was when you were friends & when you started dating him. He's a man who prefers to be coddled. Now you want him to do a complete 180 & be somebody he's not.

 

You can't get him to change. It's unfair of you to ask. He's not the guy you want him to be. He never will be that guy. Either love him the way he is or walk away.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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Either he is or he isn't.....You wont be able to "create" what you want, no matter how hard you try....Its a common complaint among a lot of younger women now...Either live with it or try to find your own unicorn...

 

TFY

  • Like 1
lurker74 Established Member

lurker74

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^ Just read d0nnivain's post again and again. You will not get him to change. If someone is REALLY motivated, they might be able to change 10% of their personality. And that is a Herculean amount of effort. I would suggest that you tell him to cooing is too much...that you thought it was cute at first but that now that you're used to it and it happens more, it's a behavior he need to restrain. I think that's fine because I can't think of many women that would find that remotely attractive anyway.

 

But wants him to "man tf up" is not something you can get him to do.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I know it must be hard. I don't know why there seems to be so many overly sensitive to the point of being feminine young men. What is going on? Is it that too many young men are being raised by single mothers? I'm sorry OP you won't be able to change him as that is just who he is. You'll probably have to find a more manly boyfriend.

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40somethingGuy Established Member

40somethingGuy

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Hand him one of your dresses and tell him to put it on. He acts like a girl and you are not a lesbian. If you lollygag around the main point he might not get it. Yes, his feelings will be hurt at 1st but he will get the point and hopefully change. If not, there are plenty of men who will be men.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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He’ll completely change his voice to a baby’s and he’ll make cooing sounds and it was cute at first but now it’s just kinda weird I guess.

 

I’ve mentioned it to him that I don’t want him to Be like that with me all the time but sometimes it’s okay, but the frequency of it since then hasn’t diminished I’m afraid....

 

I am sorry but this IS weird and not something you need to put up with.

You are not his mother.

 

This is not about him being more manly, this is about him just being and acting normal.

I know you are best friends and HS sweethearts but time to cut the cord for both your sakes...

  • Like 1
Osho Established Member

Osho

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no that’s not the true him.

 

I would suggest being honest with him by saying you want to go see a therapist together. If he’s into you as much as you say you are him then he will. Then the therapist can address issues both of may have. But she will approach all his in the healthiest ways. You’re right most ways you would approach being open with him will probably be turned around in his head. And that’s your reason to give him to want to see someone together. The fact that you feel like you have to cautious with what you say and you can’t be fully open. Otherwise the alternative is he will only change via pain and heartbreak. And the chances of him becoming a cold shutdown individual will be higher. In that scenario.

 

 

Also someone mentioned overly sensitive men.

It’s because of women raising males alone. But if you go deeper you see the lack of a healthy mother daughter relationship in their life as well which is what created a unhealthy mother son relationship. Solution would be to try to get or offer males you encounter help. It’s possible to be helpful without adding to the problem. Or promoting bad behavior. The worst thing is to be the “man” in the situation and tell him to Man TF up. Considering a hard emotionally unavailable woman is what created the very thing you’re complaining About.

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Veronica73 Established Member

Veronica73

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Hand him one of your dresses and tell him to put it on. He acts like a girl and you are not a lesbian. If you lollygag around the main point he might not get it. Yes, his feelings will be hurt at 1st but he will get the point and hopefully change. If not, there are plenty of men who will be men.

 

WTF? He’s not being a girl. Or a woman I guess. It sounds like he is behaving like a child. Adults take care of themselves and own their issues and deal with them.

 

Also, normal is over-rated. (This is responding to a different poster). Healthy is probably the goal to shoot for. Not normal.

  • Like 4
Beendaredonedat Established Member

Beendaredonedat

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By not stopping him the minute he starts the baby talk, you are in affect enabling him to keep doing it. So: As soon as the first 'googoo, gaga' comes out of his mouth, put a stop to it by telling him something like "please don't talk to me like that, sweetheart" and if he sulks, get up and leave the area.

 

Do that every time he starts and soon enough he will stop it.

 

It is concerning that he cries a lot and it's not a female thing, its a mental health thing and he is sounding depressed to be honest. Think Robin Williams who was very much like your boyfriend personality wise.

 

If he doesn't stop after you stop enabling him then break up with him after suggesting he see a therapist to help him regulate his emotions a bit more.

 

If you stop enabling and he doesn't stop doing then he's never going to change and by the sounds of things, you won't be able to tolerate his quirk fr the rest of your life.

  • Like 2
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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My ex was one of those sensitive guys, I thought I could handle it....I was young and stupid in love, thought it would stop/could handle it....nope.

 

This is why we date....to see if they are who we want to be with for the long term, potential spouse. You discovered he's not what you want...and that's when you end it.

 

Think about it...how would you like it if he wanted you to change the way you are...a complete 180. It would crush you.

 

There are women out there that would love to have a teddy bear type man they can nurture/take care of.....you are not that woman.

Beendaredonedat Established Member

Beendaredonedat

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you are not that woman.

I don't think any healthy woman would be THAT woman.
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Different strokes for different folks.

Gretchen12 Established Member

Gretchen12

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It's not about being manly. He is putting on a baby act. Cooing sounds and all. He's acting because he's a comedian. Just tell him the baby act is not funny.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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There is a sexual fetish associated with one person being a baby & the other person taking care of them. It's about nurturing. There was an episode of the original CSI about it, a grown man was murdered wearing diapers. I don't pretend to understand it but that doesn't mean it's something I get to control in somebody else's life.

 

Your BF is who he is & likes what he likes. If you or anybody else on this thread doesn't like what he likes, don't date him. It's cruel to make fun of him for it or to force him to change.

 

It's like anything else in life, people get to make their own choices. I prefer vanilla ice cream over chocolate. If you love chocolate you still don't get to berate me & make me feel bad because my choice differs from yours. You especially don't get to force feed me chocolate under the guise of making me "normal."

  • Like 2
Beendaredonedat Established Member

Beendaredonedat

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There is a sexual fetish associated with one person being a baby & the other person taking care of them. It's about nurturing. There was an episode of the original CSI about it, a grown man was murdered wearing diapers. I don't pretend to understand it but that doesn't mean it's something I get to control in somebody else's life.

 

Your BF is who he is & likes what he likes. If you or anybody else on this thread doesn't like what he likes, don't date him. It's cruel to make fun of him for it or to force him to change.

 

It's like anything else in life, people get to make their own choices. I prefer vanilla ice cream over chocolate. If you love chocolate you still don't get to berate me & make me feel bad because my choice differs from yours. You especially don't get to force feed me chocolate under the guise of making me "normal."

But there is no evidence that this is a fetish. Besides, if a person is an alcoholic (for instance) should we just not encourage them to stop behaviour that is detrimental to their life in general? I don't believe we should.

 

So far, the Op has been enabling the baby talk (no evidence that her b/f wants to wear diapers or is into baby fetish kink) if she stops enabling it, then there is a chance he will change. He will never change if she keeps enabling it, however.

 

If after she does something to change herself by stop enabling her boyfriend doesn't stop then she can make an informed decision that he isn't going to change and can leave knowing that she did everything she could (by changing herself by not enabling) and she can leave without guilt or remorse... Of course there will be some pain from no longer having him in her life but that will diminish in time and she'll be ready to put herself out there and find someone who she is more compatible with.

  • Like 1
amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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Dude’s got mommy issues.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I have no problem with her telling to knock it off with the baby talk but if he doesn't want to, nobody gets to tell him he must stop because they don't like it.

 

She can make sure she doesn't hear it by breaking up with him.

 

Unlike being an alcoholic, I don't see where his baby talk hurts anybody or has a detrimental impact on anybody.

 

It is fundamentally unfair for her to try to force him to change. She can express her preferences & if he wants to comply with that, no problem but for her to make him feel bad is not nice.

  • Like 1
Beendaredonedat Established Member

Beendaredonedat

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I have no problem with her telling to knock it off with the baby talk but if he doesn't want to, nobody gets to tell him he must stop because they don't like it.
She would be telling him to not talk to her that way. She has every right to not be subjected to something that she doesn't like.

 

She can make sure she doesn't hear it by breaking up with him.
she doesn't want to so she can also see if he will change if she stops enabling it.

 

Unlike being an alcoholic, I don't see where his baby talk hurts anybody or has a detrimental impact on anybody.
It is hurting his relationship with her which if she breaks up with him over it it will hurt him. I think she owes him a chance to try and remedy before ditching an otherwise good relationship with a man she loves.

 

It is fundamentally unfair for her to try to force him to change.
and IMO it is fundamentally unfair to just break up with a man who loves her and by all accounts does not want to break up with her without giving him a chance to remedy.

 

She can express her preferences & if he wants to comply with that, no problem but for her to make him feel bad is not nice.

... and her not telling him to stop talking to her like that when she doesn't like it is codependency at its finest. If you can't communicate openly and with compassion to your partner about what is and is not acceptable behaviour to you then you are tearing down you own boundaries and when you start doing that then it's symptom of codependency and door mattery.

 

Just my opinion that I'm hoping the Op will take into account and give her boyfriend the chance to remedy before just breaking up with him.

 

Thanks for the debate on it... gives the op a chance to see solutions to her problem other than severing the relationship outright when she clearly doesn't want to do that nor does her boyfriend.

  • Like 1
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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I know it must be hard. I don't know why there seems to be so many overly sensitive to the point of being feminine young men. What is going on? Is it that too many young men are being raised by single mothers? I'm sorry OP you won't be able to change him as that is just who he is. You'll probably have to find a more manly boyfriend.

Tons of absent or inadequate fathers / single mothers, along with many other forces, including severely declining testosterone levels in men due to endocrine system / hormone disruptors like too many estrogenic drugs in the water supply, overexposure to plastics, etc.

 

A recent study showed that a vast percentage of today's men have low testosterone. This is bad news for society in general, as strong men are the backbone of strong, healthy families and societies.

 

Strong men are like unicorns anymore. I swoon anytime a halfway-cute contractor comes to my house to fix stuff - as these guys are usually so manly, knowledgeable and on top of things.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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She has already told him she doesn't like the baby talk and to stop it.

It makes no difference...

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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it is up to the mom/dad to teach him how to act like a male

Curiousroxy86 Established Member

Curiousroxy86

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It’s either you accept him as is or you don’t

 

Expecting someone who acts like a baby most of the time to all the sudden “man up” is foolish.

 

When a guy is doing something that’s not okay in a relationship you communicate it and give him the opportunity to correct but if he can’t change that behavior you either find ways to accept the behavior and him or you end the relationship.

 

But this doesn’t sound like a specific deal breaking behavior. It sounds like you want him to change who he is as a person or atleast the parts of him you find unattractive. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. People change because they want to change not because you want them to.

 

So all you can do is accept your little man baby or let him go especially if you already talked to him about what you don’t like and he hasn’t changed

  • Like 2
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