ironpony Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 I use to never get girls and read books on how to date such as DoubleyourDating, or The Mystery Method, etc. Those books helped, cause they said to be an alpha male to attract women and it actually does work. However, now that I have had a gf for about a year now, I feel like sometimes I just want to break down and cry and tell her all my insecurities and problems with myself, even that means breaking the alpha male persona, and feel that if I break it, she will be less attracted to me or see a side of me that thinks that I am something I wasn't. And therefore, I find myself failing to open up to her about the true me I am. Does anyone have any input on this, or maybe I'm making too big a deal about it?
basil67 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 And here lies the problem of faking who we are in order to get a partner: at some stage, the facade will drop and the partner realises that we did a bait and switch. I have no advice other than to be authentic when starting out. 10
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Fact is there are things that people find attractive and there are things people do not If I had an inner tendency to go bat ish crazy over every little thing where I can be drama and insecure and needy I probably would not have success with a lot of men. So there is a such thing as recognizing things that are clearly problematic and managing them, minimizing them, or fixing them so you can be a worthy partner. However we also are human and should also strive to be in relationships that make us feel safe and is forgiving and accepting when we show flaws. So you have to find a happy medium and let the chips fall where they may. Because It’s just always a risk that whatever flaws we may have even if we think is minor that the other may not stick around simply because what another person does it out of our control. so we can minimize risk by choosing people who generally are forgiving, loving, loyal, not judgemental, etc. I don’t know the type of girlfriend you chose but you have to understand it’s out of your hands concerning how your girlfriend will take your flaws. You have a decision to make. 1. Manage your behavior in a way that is attractive and honestly adds to the relationship or 2. not give a eff and show how you feel no matter the consequences and see what happens or 3. Which imo is the better way. do both. find a happy balance that works for you. Decide to manage your behavior in a way that is valuable to a relationship but also express some love and self acceptance of yourself flaws and all and be comfortable in your own skin and show that. This means you will have to (or naturally) reveal some of those flaws, be human, let go of the outcome and realize how she may respond is what it is and have the mindset that in the grand scheme of things that the right woman for you will stick around and others will fall away. That’s the nature of relationships in general. Accept that. For example. When I was younger I use to have anxious insecure tendencies and could be very naive and didn’t have boundaries but that kicked my butt in relationships. I could just stay that way and keep getting horrible results. I decide to get smarter. I may still feel anxiety about things but I understand my emotions are not exactly helpful all the time so I manage it. When you think of people who are secure they are good at managing emotions. It’s something that’s good to do. People look down on fake it till you make it but honestly I am of the belief there are things thats not helpful or healthy for you and other people that needs to be checked and you should take accountability not only for your own well being but how you contribute to another if you want a relationship. So if a guy is being toxic and abusive people wouldn’t tell that guy to “be himself” people would say “you need to fix that ish” lol. Be yourself tends to apply to flaws that’s not exactly harmful to yourself and others....know what I mean? So though I may feel anxiety over something that’s really minor it doesn’t mean I should act on those anxieties in a way that’s unhelpful. So I don’t. Feel it and address it in healthy ways. But don’t let it go unchecked and redirect back to wisdom. Take some alone time to reflect and emote if you need to, write your own thoughts, some people say therapy is great unfortunately I cannot attest to whether that’s really helpful but can attest to the first two suggestions. Find a healthy outlet. I dont really know if it’s healthy to use a partner as a therapist. Many may disagree but I personally tend to lean more towards the idea of finding a healthy outlet to release negative feelings and yet be selective about what you want to dump on your partner such as things they need to know or if there is a boundary that’s been crossed or if you really need their aid and support in something. Again just find that healthy balance and let the chips fall where they may. Now specifically about the alpha male persona... imo confidence/self respect and the ability to make decisions and follow through on them (which points back to confidence and being self assured) is what women find sexy about alpha males So for you op your healthy balance I referred to could be displaying these qualities most of the time but also have intimate moments with your girl where you share your feelings. Laying at night, cuddling, is the best time. It’s a great atmosphere for bonding and getting to know each other more and more imo. Do it in small doses and see how she responds and go from there in conjunction in finding those healthy outlets. If she becomes closer to you as a result then great. If she pulls away as a result then I would say that’s a girl you don’t need in your life. Good luck 1
chillii Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Yep , what a surprise , not. Dunno why anyone would even want something they had to be someone else and pretend to even get . That contradicts the very essence of any real relationship. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 ironpony Those books are not meant to be a recipe. They are meant to teach you self confidence. A self confident person can open himself up to be vulnerable in a safe place to a trusted person in his life. If your GF is that person, great. That said do not suddenly have some big melt down, cry in her arms & dump ALL of your insecurities on her. That will be emotion overload for her. Instead by dribs & drabs let her see the chinks in your armor one at a time. Start small & make sure she is supportive before you reveal the deepest secrets. 4
MaleIntuition Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 The short answer is that there is no such thing as an alpha male - it’s just made up BS by authors whom want to make cash out of your insecurities. In other words; you never were one to begin with. These books “works” because they make you believe that there is a method that leads to success, and you start to believe in that method and therefore all of a sudden have the balls to actually assertively ask girls out. You see, it’s more about bravery than confidence. Being brave enough to ask for her number, to suggest a specific date on a specific time, to go for the first kiss, even if the moment isn’t perfect; and to be brave enough to accept that rejection is possible. The biggest irony about the whole concept about the alpha male, is that all those whom run around trying to be alpha - to be leaders - are, by definition, followers. They follow the teachings of some online gurus or authors and are therefore perhaps the very proof that we are perfectly capable of both leading and following. 6
NuevoYorko Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Every relationship, if it's going anywhere, comes to a point where emotional intimacy is shared. That said, if you just want to cry and talk about insecurities, you might want to take that to a counsellor. Sharing some of it with your girlfriend is appropriate, but don't dump on her. 3
alphamale Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 I use to never get girls and read books on how to date such as DoubleyourDating, or The Mystery Method, etc. Those books helped, cause they said to be an alpha male to attract women and it actually does work. However, now that I have had a gf for about a year now, I feel like sometimes I just want to break down and cry and tell her all my insecurities and problems with myself, even that means breaking the alpha male persona, and feel that if I break it, she will be less attracted to me or see a side of me that thinks that I am something I wasn't. And therefore, I find myself failing to open up to her about the true me I am. Does anyone have any input on this, or maybe I'm making too big a deal about it? there is nothing with showing your soft underbelly to her once in a while...just don't make it a habit 2
BaileyB Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 (edited) There is no such thing as an “alpha man.” I agree with what has been said above, those who are most concerned about being and “alpha male” are in fact trying to mask their insecurity by assuming this fake persona... Sure, women are attracted to strong, self-confident men. But, that’s not an “alpha male.” The best men have the strength and confidence to treat a woman with kindness and respect, and to make themselves vulnerable because that is what is required in a truly intimate relationship... Edited June 16, 2019 by BaileyB 2
Gretchen12 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 An alpha male is not a brute or a neanderthal, you know. You seem to have the wrong idea. The alpha male that women like are alpha to other men, not to women. You lead other men but you're soft with women. The worst kind are the men who call themselves alpha but they are the sheepish followers of other men and then they come home to act the "alpha" by bullying the woman. So there's no "alpha male in a relationship". Those books taught you wrong. 7
Peony86 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Why oh why do men do this? Just be authentic at the start of a relationship. I love it when men share these things. Not in a flood right at the start but gradually as trust is gained, like most normal people. Not all of us want "an alpha male". I can't bear these PUA techniques. 2
BaileyB Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Why oh why do men do this? Because unfortunately, they have been conditioned to “think” this is what women want. But, it’s not. This kind of thinking preys upon a man’s insecurity.
alphamale Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 man needs to act the opposite of the woman, that's what keeps attraction going. if he acts too "soft" the woman will eventually lose respect for him. there is nothing wrong with a man crying once in a while if there is a major life event happening. just don't cry all the time. woman wants emotionally strong man 2
Peony86 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 To be fair, I don't know anyone who cries all the time early in dating? Women or men? I know butch women who act stereotypically "manly" and men who don't act like "alpha males" and who share their feelings easily. There's nothing wrong with either, we should all just be ourselves. I find it really sad some men think they can't be loved unless they play a role. And by the way, the last 2 men I dated were definitely not "alpha" or trying to be. I don't want to be controlled or led in a relationship, I want it equal. And I hate it when men won't share their feelings or be vulnerable out of fear. That has killed many a relationship. 1
BaileyB Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 To be fair, don’t men want the same thing? Sure, they want a woman who is “feminine,” but I think most men would want a woman who has self control and the ability to self regulate her own emotions. Crying all the time and looking for constant reassurance not an attractive quality for anyone. 4
alphamale Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 you ladies want man to act like women...this is emasculation and is not very becoming.
Peony86 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Some men don't want to act like "men". Some want to just be themselves. We are all a mix of what society considers typically "masculine" and "feminine" traits in varying quantities. I'm very feminine in some ways but also masculine in others. I like having that mix, I don't want to act like a woman just to get a guy. The right guy will be attracted to me as I am. If you're not yourself you find yourself in a situation like this thread - asking at what point can I bring my true self out in this relationship? You might even find your mate doesn't like you anymore because you were faking it all along. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 And you're a year into the relationship. There's a universe of difference between a man or woman breaking down and crying ("breaking down" is actually way too negative--I just noticed) in the first month of dating and a man who opens up a year into the relationship. BTW: in the future, you want to gradually and incrementally open up over time ... and before the one year mark. But that's for later. Opening up and getting vulnerable isn't what scares people. What scares people (or what might seem "weak" to adopt your alpha language) is when you open up and just dump a tangled, confused, emotional mess on the other partner--with no sense of direction and no commitment to working through this mess. But if you express your feelings and insecurities ... and then just add another part ... she'll likely be fine ... You make sure to end your opening up ... with a positive direction, a sense of commitment to working through your issues. I want to work on X. I'm determined to figure out Y ... I want to get to point Z. I'm not sure how to face A, but I'm determined to figure out how to do so. Adding the positive direction at the end is so powerful ... but there's a catch ... You have to genuinely feel the words you're saying. And the best way to believe your own words ... is to be taking concrete steps towards working through your fears and problems. Here's another tip ... if you cry, then cry. Don't apologize for crying. This is something I learned in public speaking. The audience knows why a speaker is crying. The speaker can ruin a powerful, emotional talk by pausing and saying "I'm sorry." I was at a funeral--a damn funeral!--in which a speaker apologized during her talk and later--for crying. As if we didn't know why she was crying. We were all crying or near crying. Despite your worry, there's a very good chance your gf secretly thinks you're sorta robotic and cold because you haven't shared deep emotions and vulnerability with her. And if she withdraws, this wasn't the woman for you.
BaileyB Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Opening up and getting vulnerable isn't what scares people. What scares people (or what might seem "weak" to adopt your alpha language) is when you open up and just dump a tangled, confused, emotional mess on the other partner--with no sense of direction and no commitment to working through this mess. Exactly. Most people want to be with someone who is able to handle stress and manage their own emotions. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be vulnerable and share your thoughts/feelings/emotions with your partner. It just means, you shouldn’t dump things on your partner and make them responsible for your emotional well being. 1
elaine567 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 And if she withdraws, this wasn't the woman for you. Ok but she may have been, if he had shown the real him at the start. People do not like bait and switch, this girl invested as here was a guy who is x, y and z, a guy who matches her idea of her ideal man. One year on he is no longer x, y and z, he is going to morph into a, b and c... Oh dear... 1
alphamale Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 People do not like bait and switch, ... and yet it happens all time with both men and women
elaine567 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 and yet it happens all time with both men and women Yes but that doesn't make it a good thing surely? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Ok but she may have been, if he had shown the real him at the start. People do not like bait and switch, this girl invested as here was a guy who is x, y and z, a guy who matches her idea of her ideal man. One year on he is no longer x, y and z, he is going to morph into a, b and c... Oh dear... Totally true ... so yes, next time the OP has to get real earlier ... of course, being real all along is the great path. But he's starting from where he is ... And there's a good chance she knows he has another side ... Just as the pose is wearing thin for him ... might well be wearing thin for her as well.
alphamale Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Yes but that doesn't make it a good thing surely? yes it doesn't make it a good thing, but at least it can be anticipated
basil67 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 you ladies want man to act like women...this is emasculation and is not very becoming. What is "acting like a woman"? 1
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