Peony86 Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 I recently started seeing a new guy, let's call him "Luke" (not his real name) who seems sweet, if a bit too keen. I asked him about his last relationship and was shocked by what he told me. His last relationship was a couple of years ago with his married room mate. There were 3 of them living in the home, it was his childhood family home rented from his mom. The couple were from Australia and Luke met the husband through work. They needed a new place to live and he needed new room mates and so they moved in. He said that he gave a compliment to the wife one day about her appearance and that evening while the husband was out she "attacked" Luke in the kitchen... they ended up having sex and carried on doing it when the husband was out. Not just once or twice, but most days for about 9 months!! Luke was self-employed and would "fake" leaving for work in the morning, wait until the husband had left and then go back into the house to be joined by the wife for sex. He says they knew it was wrong but simply couldn't keep their hands off each other. Eventually, they fell in love and wanted to be together. Also, the husband found out about the affair by checking on his wife's phone and saw some messages from Luke. There was no big confrontation however the husband left and went back to Australia. Luke left the area and moved several km away, found a new job and organised an apartment for him and the wife to live in. She also went back to Australia to take care of some "business" but never came back to the US. Never messaged or called him or anything. He called her parents' house and her mom answered, and told him she'd taken off with someone else. Turns out she was back with her husband, they have since had a child together. While he was telling me this, he was all "poor me" about it. Am I right to be concerned? Sleeping with your friend's wife once as a drunken mistake is bad enough. But doing it most week days for 9 months under the husband's nose?! He was talking about how he was ostracized by friends afterwards and lost respect from a lot of people. Poor him, etc. He was also all "poor me" over how the wife took off without a word and got back together with her husband. I couldn't sleep with a friend's husband's for 9 months. I couldn't do the deception part.... I know I couldn't - I'd feel sick to my stomach, 24/7! I feel this is almost as bad as being the one who is cheating, especially when you're living with the couple in question?! It's really made me take a step back. Am I right to question whether I can trust this man or am I being too moralistic? We get on so well and he told me this after we had sex for the first time (which was great.) But my head is telling me no. WWYD? 3
FMW Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 We all make mistakes, some bigger than others, but his apparent lack of remorse and even claiming he was a victim is very troublesome. You are right to step back and reconsider whether or not you can trust him. 2
Author Peony86 Posted June 15, 2019 Author Posted June 15, 2019 Finding my way - we all make mistakes, but this is a mistake he made daily over a period of about 9 months, right? That's a whole lot of mistakes!!!
FMW Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 I completely agree! But since I've been open about my own "sins" on this forum I was trying not to be hypocritical
rainbow12 Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 (edited) Remember you only have his word to the story. It doesn't make him painted in a pretty innocent picture by hearing all this. He flirted with her by complimenting that woman, Luke deceived his friend for 9 months just to sleep with his girlfriend or wifes back. I mean if he can do that towards his best mate then he could certainly do that to you by cheating on you with another woman for 9 months or more. You even have a gut feeling that being with him doesn't feel right. I mean do you really want to be with a guy that would do that to his mate? He seems like the type of guy whom only cares about himself. Like the other person has said on this forum he has lack of remorse and he plays the victim when hes the one who has done the dirty. if you ever do decide to be with Luke still then you better keep your leash tight. Edited June 16, 2019 by rainbow12
Author Peony86 Posted June 16, 2019 Author Posted June 16, 2019 Rainbow, that's my worry. To me this sounds as bad as cheating in the amount of deception it takes to do this and keep it up for 9 whole months under someone's nose in such close quarters. I just can't imagine living like that , were they getting off on the creeping around? I feel so awful for the husband to discover he was being deceived under his nose the whole time like that. I'd be worried he would cheat. Obviously I need to talk to him about it but I'm not sure if it's worth it as I reckon he'll tell me what I want to hear.
Beendaredonedat Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Nice of him to tell you AFTER you've slept with him. Once could be considered a mistake if you think that way (I don't... it's a choice) but to continue doing it for 9 months? Dude has it in him... particularly because he didn't seem the least bit remorseful about it. He's told you what he is capable of. Believe him and don't tear down your personal boundaries and moral sensibilities just to be with him.
rainbow12 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Then you are a better person than him and deserve so much better. Yes, he will tell you all the things you want to hear so you would stay, so it's illogical for you to confront this to him. It's better left unsaid. This is how I look at it, he's the type of person who can't keep it in his trousers and he would continue to be like that when hes with you. To be honest no one can trust this guy not even his mates girlfriend whom he slept with. This guy just ticks all red flags and he's not compatible for a committed relationship as you wish he would.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 The way your analyzing this is exactly right. Take heed of your own gut warnings and don’t continue dating this men One of the biggest red flags is a guy who shows questionable lack of character, morals, remorse, and empathy Run girl run 1
Author Peony86 Posted June 16, 2019 Author Posted June 16, 2019 Thanks everyone for the validation. I feel quite upset really because it's been a while since I met someone I liked and clicked with sexually, and then he tells me this AFTER we sleep together. I don't feel it is going anywhere though. I am thinking about whether I should be honest with him about what he shared and the reasons for ending it, or just make an excuse.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 If you have already broken up with him don’t bother further explaining yourself unless he ask why. Then you can tell him. But only if he asks.... If you haven’t broken up with him yet then you can keep it short and simple. “Hey Joe it was nice getting to know you but I don’t think we are compatible and should part ways. Take care”. Again don’t bother giving an explanation unless he asks. 1
The Outlaw Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 You're in the right to question it. Sleeping with someone else's spouse isn't ever right under any circumstances. And once that trust has been broken, it'd be game over for me, period. No exceptions. Cheating is cheating. The sex may be great, but the relationship you have with him may not be meant to be. Too many red flags here to ignore.
Beendaredonedat Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 (edited) I wouldn't tell him why you are breaking up with him even if he asks. If you tell him it's because of his past, then he will keep that from other women and it's best he's not warned so other women can make an informed decision about this as well. Edited June 16, 2019 by Beendaredonedat 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 I wouldn't tell him why you are breaking up with him even if he asks. If you tell him it's because of his past, then he will keep that from other women and it's best he's not warned so other women can make an informed decision about this as well. Lmao I have never thought about it that way But When a person ask what they did wrong i feel like that is opportunity to give constructive criticism when it is desired/asked which can give that individual the opportunity to change/realize the error of his ways for him to go forward with....if he so choose. Now of course a man that lacks character may very well just decide to hide it from women in the future but you never know what/when is the catalyst a person uses for changing for the better either. Not that it’s mine or any woman’s responsibility to be that catalyst mind you. But again you never know
Author Peony86 Posted June 16, 2019 Author Posted June 16, 2019 I wouldn't tell him why you are breaking up with him even if he asks. If you tell him it's because of his past, then he will keep that from other women and it's best he's not warned so other women can make an informed decision about this as well. Lol. I had exactly the same thought. I don't think it is worth giving truthful feedback that this is why I'm ending it either. After all, it's in the past - he can't change it, and it's better that he's upfront about it with other women. 1
mark clemson Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Agree that it's too big of a red flag to ignore. I flirt with women frequently (I admit I like the attn). It doesn't have to lead to an affair.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Major red flag ... Lack of boundaries, the betrayal ... 9 months! ... That ain't a slip or a mistake ... nine months of cheating like this takes commitment! And then feeling self-pity ... Two red flags ... but the nine months of the affair is like King-Kong-sized red flag. How the heck would you ever trust him? Your nervous system would be in panic every day you spent with his guy. Dump him. Now ... Don't negotiate.
chillii Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 There's some nice people in the world isn't there eh , and he took her back , wow, and your seeing him. Good luck with that.
Author Peony86 Posted June 16, 2019 Author Posted June 16, 2019 Thank you everyone for the input. We broke up For the best I guess
FMW Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Sorry Peony, but yes, I think it probably was for the best.
Redhead14 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 A mistake is "oops, I forgot to take the roast out of the oven at 5:00". This was a conscious, well-planned, "mistake" that lasted 9 months and one for which he has no remorse/regret. Remorse is what makes someone "forgivable" and puts them on a road to regaining trust -- remorse deep enough to keep them from doing it again. Keep stepping back . . . way back.
FMW Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 My initial use of the word "mistake" wasn't meant to characterize this particular situation as simply a mistake - I was just trying to not come off as hypocritically judgmental given my own lack of a pure past (let he without sin cast the first stone). I was pointing out we all have issues BUT......... A sustained 9 month affair with his friend's wife, and while they were sharing a home, is something that's hard to come to terms with on its own, without the addition of his lack of remorse and actual casting of himself as a victim. Again, you made the right call Peony. 1
Author Peony86 Posted June 16, 2019 Author Posted June 16, 2019 (edited) Yes, he actually called it "one mistake" when talking about it, presumably trying to minimise it. To me it's not one mistake, that's the same mistake repeated dozens or even hundreds of times. Even if the strong attraction was there, I don't think I could pull off the first or second mistake (I'd be sick with guilt) let alone all the ones after it for such a sustained period. It sounds almost sociopathic in its coldness? In a normal affair, as the 'other man/woman', you'd be somewhat removed from the relationship you're helping to ruin, but their relationship must have been in his face every day? I've experienced strong attraction and lust towards someone, I just cannot imagine it completely overpowering my morals and ethics for 9 whole months straight. I don't mean to sound 'holier than thou' but I just can't relate. Edited June 16, 2019 by Peony86 2
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