He canceled date because of money... What should I say?

[Versacehottie]

I agree that as difficult as it may have been to do, that "no worries" is the right response.

 

Look at it this way, you didn't even waste an evening on this guy and found out the kind of thing you would want to know (level of flakiness, readiness, whatever), right up front. You were hardly invested emotionally. A minor annoyance.

 

If it is humiliating-feeling in any way, my advice would be not to share what you are doing dating wise with colleagues etc until it's fairly secure. Which maybe you didn't. Then if you ever meet in a work setting, just pretend you don't remember who he is.

 

I also don't think you should take it that personally really as annoying as it is to have someone waste a touch of your time. See how he tries to fix things IMO. Or not if it doesn't suit you to do so. But it's hardly worthy of outrage. Plan something spontaneous and fun for yourself. Good luck

[Curiousroxy86]

Ambition isn’t a bad priority.

 

He let you know six hours in advance. I’m not sure what you’re so mad about.

 

Imo

 

I wouldn’t necessarily feel angry at a guy I hardly know that asked

Me out on a date

 

But

 

I believe you teach people how to treat you by what you accept/tolerate. When he asked her out she set aside a day and time for him. He agreed to that time and date. When someone up and cancels for something that’s not an emergency that was time she could have made for someone else or doing something else. Its an inconsiderate act. Now of course it’s nothing to him to do that because it is the beginning stages and well it is more money for him to work double time. But for her to accept it like it’s okay sets an undesirable precedence that a guy can continue to be inconsiderate towards her and not respect her time. So though I wouldn’t be angry I don’t blame The op to consider this a boundary and to take action that shows a man “that’s not okay to me and you need to go pull that with someone else”....

 

He going to learn today

[Sunlight72]

...He is making 300K a year, and didn't need to be there tonight at all.

 

There is a reason some people are perpetually single. They don't make their personal life a priority...

You sound disproportionately angry and really judgey about this. What business is it of yours how much money he makes? Now you have the authority in his life to decide how he should live? You haven't even met yet.

 

He did give you 6 hours notice, ..... for a 1st date. I am not sure how many hundreds of dollars and how many days you've spent at the salon and clothiers to get ready for this date, but maybe dial it down a bit for the next first date?

 

This guy isn't your perfect guy. OK. That's what you need to know, right?

 

Please remember - in dating, we don't get to make people into what we dream of. We only get to see who they are and decide to see them again or not. Those are your only two actionable choices.

 

I'm sorry you're taking a stranger's actions so personally. It's only making your life crappier.

[Curiousroxy86]

Not responding would have been better in my opinion simply because you can show people how to treat you better than you can tell them. And men understand actions and have a better chance of taking you seriously way more than your words

 

There is a time and a place of communicating your standard mostly with an exclusive boyfriend who have shown himself worthy but a guy who flakes early before exclusivity? Naaaaaah

 

Confrontation is not needed and works against you and only cause a person to fight or flight and often times they will ignore/minimize what they did and focus on you confronting. “She crazy, she drama, she this she that”

 

Acting like your okay when your not imo enables him to think what he did was not a problem

 

But showing him what he did was unacceptable after he did it shows it’s not okay, your not going to argue about it, your not going to beg him to change, your not going to give him any reason to gas light and call you confrontational or compromise your professionalism and classiness, but what you are going to do is move on to better things without having to say a word. and if he don’t care great you didn’t have to lower your self respect trying to get him to care and if he does care then he can ask why if he wants and then you have the opportunity to not only let him know at a time when it matters and give him the opportunity to correct....if you want...

 

But that’s just me.

[Cersei]

I don't know. I value a strong work ethic in people. He got the chance to work so He took it giving you lots of notice.

 

I am glad you didn't send a nasty text but I do think you got a little mad over nothing. I am glad you have put an end to someone who clearly is not a good match for you. No need to waste any of your time or his.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Again, not the case in this scenario. He is making 300K a year, and didn't need to be there tonight at all.

 

There is a reason some people are perpetually single. They don't make their personal life a priority.

 

Sent him a text "no worries" while grinding my teeth.

 

I can see why you'd think that because he's making 300K a year he doesn't need the money but you really can't judge that to be true since you don't know anything about his financial obligations.

 

I can understand being disappointed in having him cancel the date but to me, this level of anger over the situation is worth looking into as to why it affected you to that degree.

[darkmoon]

This is his way of saying he wants you to bring your money to your dates... would you date him if he was poor? ... just what has his money got to do with you?

[Curiousroxy86]

I don’t think it’s the money that’s getting to her. It’s the disrespect of her time.

 

And I don’t think six hours is considered good notice. If it was an emergency situation yes. But what he did says “I know we had a date thing but I am choosing something else better to do that came along” that’s not attractive behavior and I don’t think op should be necessarily mad because he hasn’t show himself to be a significant person yet but I do think she is on the right track in feeling it’s not okay and thinking twice considering him as a partner and wanting to put up a boundary

 

If a guy kept canceling plans he made with you because he chose to take an overtime opportunity the same day of the date I am pretty sure that would get old to you guys as well. And you may think yea but this guy is only doing it once. Well if you act like it’s okay or no big deal the first time......

[Lotsgoingon]

Canceling six hours ahead of time because of a choice to work?--no!

 

Six hours is within the window that ... only serious illness or genuine emergency justifies cancellation. At six hours ... you know the other person has been mentally preparing for the date all day ...

 

Choosing to work OT sounds about as convincing as saying "there's a discount tonight on car detailing and I need to cancel to get my car cleaned at this special price."

[guest569]

ha, yeah I'd be disappointed. The 'no worries' is fine. You're right, for some people, the work is THE priority and they will drop everything else. So it might be for the best.

[Flame Aura]

Good thing you found out what a loser this guy is before going out for him, what he did is embarrassing, basically showed you money is more of a priority than meeting you, what a way to set a first impression!

[d0nnivain]

But he just wants to make some extra dough which he has PLENTY of already. Just shows what his priorities are.

 

How do you know how much money he has? You may know his salary but you probably have no idea about his expenses. What if he has a sick relative he supports? What if he has a plan to retire early? What if he has huge student loans or previously over extended himself & now needs to pay that back.

 

 

You are making an awful lot of unfair, unsubstantiated and negative ASSUMPTIONS.

 

 

Again, not the case in this scenario. He is making 300K a year, and didn't need to be there tonight at all.

 

There is a reason some people are perpetually single. They don't make their personal life a priority.

 

Sent him a text "no worries" while grinding my teeth.

 

Your overreaction to this & the fact that you are not true to yourself most likely contribute to the fact that you are single. You said something about never even being willing to do him a professional favor at some point in the future because he cancelled a date with you. That is cutting your nose off despite your face.

 

Of course you can be disappointed but this is too much.

 

More importantly, there was no need to lie to him. Instead of no worries you should have said that you were disappointed. When he tries to make another date with you & you are all hostile he is not going to know why. You told him everything was fine when it isn't.

[salparadise]

If he's making what you say, and cancelled for a shift that pays double, what that means is that $2300 is a higher priority than going on a date. It would be for almost anyone. But you're taking it quite personally, as if nothing short of a dire emergency should be a higher priority –– because it's not just a date, it's a date with YOU. High self-esteem is generally a good thing, but when it defies gravity it's probably time for a reality check.

[FMW]

Canceling the date to work the extra shift doesn't make him a bad person. However it does, in my opinion, make him an inconsiderate person. If he's so focused on picking up extra shifts and making more and more money, for whatever reason, he shouldn't be setting up dates.

 

No one wants to feel like the "if something better or more lucrative doesn't come along" option.

[salparadise]

If he's so focused on picking up extra shifts and making more and more money, for whatever reason, he shouldn't be setting up dates.

 

Pffft. His mistake was in saying it was an opportunity rather than just saying something came up and he had to work.

[stillafool]

I think you are blowing this our of proportion. If he cancelled due to overtime he needed so be it. This was your first date wasn't it? If this is not to your liking just don't give him another chance and move on. There's no need to get this upset over a cancellation by a man you aren't even in love with and hardly know. There are plenty more men out there.

[Peony86]

I agree that it shows a lack of interest and consideration to cancel a first date for this reason, unless he talked about it with you beforehand (i.e. saying something like, "I'm paying down debt at the moment, there may be occasions when I'm offered overtime at the last minute and keen to take it, hope that's OK")

 

I'd be annoyed, too.

 

Having said that, I wouldn't express the annoyance as you have professional links to this person. I would just refuse any further attempts to set up a date. I'd say I was too busy or seeing someone else.

[Redhead14]

Again, not the case in this scenario. He is making 300K a year, and didn't need to be there tonight at all.

 

There is a reason some people are perpetually single. They don't make their personal life a priority.

 

Sent him a text "no worries" while grinding my teeth.

 

He has a job that pays $300K a year but it's hourly and there's "overtime"???? What does he do?

[Lotsgoingon]

He has a job that pays $300K a year but it's hourly and there's "overtime"???? What does he do?

 

Good point! ... Major manager money ... but then unionized "overtime" schedule. For my friends who make big money, there's no such thing as "overtime" or "shifts."

[smackie9]

Whatever people...she isn't a bad person neither for the way she feels, and he isn't a cad for wanting to make more money. There's your incompatibility. If she stuck it out, I'm sure there would be more cancellations, so she and he are better off not going out on a date.

[Tamfana]

Agree ^^. He chose money over a commitment, a date, and you wouldn't = not a match. Good to know early on.

[Redhead14]

Whatever people...she isn't a bad person neither for the way she feels, and he isn't a cad for wanting to make more money. There's your incompatibility. If she stuck it out, I'm sure there would be more cancellations, so she and he are better off not going out on a date.

 

My point is that if he told her he makes that kind of money, he may be lying about that . . .

 

And, I agree, it's likely that there will be more cancellations.

[Versacehottie]

He has a job that pays $300K a year but it's hourly and there's "overtime"???? What does he do?

 

Good catch!! I was wondering when someone was going to pick up on this!!! Typically $300K jobs are salaried not hourly--I can't think of a $300K that's an hourly one where "double time" is on the table. It makes me think that OP or her date is overstating his income or maybe too optimistic. The attention toward is a little materialistic IMO. One doesn't need to be getting into all that before a first date.

 

In his defense, OT or extra work during what should be off hours when salaried, while technically optional is often not that way at all in reality. Usually high pressure to take on the extra work (and extra pay).

 

I wonder if this guy is the same one that texted at 7am. I would just say that OP's stance on this current issue with this guy and that issue with that 7am guy suggests that she is taking a VERY rigid stance, checklist-y on her initial dates. I mean which is it? 7am is too early suggesting OP is free and doesn't want too much eagerness OR canceling a date due to having to work which suggests a date to be responsible, good at his job etc OR do you just want some guy that will read your mind and every whim perfectly?? It's a little hypocritical and too stifling TBH.

[LivingWaterPlease]

He has a job that pays $300K a year but it's hourly and there's "overtime"???? What does he do?

 

At least in some cases ER physicians receive overtime pay by working extra shifts. There may be other high dollar careers in which shift work could result in adding to an already high income, also.

 

If he's an ER physician who is getting overtime pay there could be a reason other than extra income he took the shift. Possibly there was no one else to cover the shift and he took it as a function of being responsible for the health and well being of others. We just don't know the details.

 

However, even if he did it just for the money, again, we don't know his financial situation or obligations.

Edited June 16, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[Versacehottie]

Good point. I didn't realize doctors were paid that way. which reminded me that anathesologists (sp!!) make around that and might be paid that way (ish). I think they usually bill like a corp but suppose if they are an employee than they might get paid hourly.