ppainter Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 (edited) Hi, I decided to register to this forum just because in the last week there has happened 2 things and my bf reaction has gotten me pretty upset... 1. I've been selected to participate in an International Art Contest in France. This has been very very exciting for me and my mom, my friends... Because painting and art world has always been part of my goals and it is something that is driving my career and my objectives, so it was important. I've been with my bf +1 year, so he already knows all of this. So, when he knew this, his first reaction was getting upset because we wouldn't be together the days of the contest (because I would be in France with my mother and he can't (and don't want to) come). And the only moment when he congratulated me was when I asked him something like "aren't you proud of me?"/"aren't you excited?", so yea, I don't really count those congratulations because I instigated him to say so. As you may think, I'm really sad because otherwise, I would be really happy and excited for him if it happened something similar... 2. A writer has proposed to me to illustrate her poems, and, even though it may not be as exciting as the first thing, is something relevant. So, today I've told him this and he has said absolutely nothing, and, if it wasn't enough, he got pretty upset because I said him I was going to meet her to talk about this because she sent me about a message per day, so it was a bit impossible to maintain a conversation online , but he didn't answer anything when I asked him "Why wouldn't I want to meet her?". In short, I feel sad about him not seeming happy for my success because we love each other and the relationship has been going well, but I feel like there will be serious problems in the future with the relation and my career... I'm pretty confused and haven't told this to anybody... PS: I'm 17, so those 2 things are really heavy for me because I've literally just finished school life:love: Edited June 15, 2019 by ppainter I think I post it in the wrong place... Sorry
FMW Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 If he's young and doesn't have a good idea of what he wants to do in life he may be threatened by your options and success. He may be afraid they will take you away from him. You have every right to feel disappointed and sad at his lack of support. I think it's likely he's just immature and this is bringing up insecurities and fears about his own future career prospects.
Author ppainter Posted June 15, 2019 Author Posted June 15, 2019 I think it's likely he's just immature and this is bringing up insecurities and fears about his own future career prospects. Yeah... But I feel like it's more about the relationship than his own career prospects... I would say that, for him, the priority overcoat is the relationship, but for me, my career is very important and I don't know if I would be disposed to sacrifice it as he would. That's why I think there may be serious problems in a future... Thank you really much for replying me
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 Congratulations! I’m sorry this happening But Your 17 lol. Im not discrediting your feelings it’s just what your describing about your bf totally makes sense when you mentioned your age. I am assuming he is around the same age maybe? He is being immature af period. So go do your thing in France and excel. Don’t let his sulking pull you down with him. If I were in your shoes I would tell him in a sweet respectful way. “Babe I love you and I understand you feel a certain type of way about me leaving and We can discuss a plan around that. But I would really love it if I had your support. This is something I want to do and have always wanted to do and I want to share my happiness with those I love and get their support. Can you do that for me babe?” See what he says If he agrees to support you great. Come up with a plan to deal with his concerns of you leaving. If he is still being unsupportive and trying to make you feel bad and cause drama I would have to drop him if I were you. And I would encourage you to do the same. Good luck and go far little one! 1
Author ppainter Posted June 15, 2019 Author Posted June 15, 2019 Thanks for your response ), definitely the best option is to talk with him haha, I'll do^^
guest569 Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 That's fantastic! Well done!! How long are you going away? Seems a bit strange that he reacts this way. And is he around the same age? Is he jealous? Does he like art too?
amaysngrace Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 The thing that stood out to me was that he can’t stand your mom. Maybe is it because she’s not crazy about him either? If he acts like this I can see why. He probably just sees you doing well and knows you’re going to surpass him in life because he’s a jealous, sulky baby. 1
Els Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 Definitely go to France for the contest. If he's a decent guy, he'll shake himself out of it and realize that he was being immature, if he doesn't, he's not worth staying with. 2
Author ppainter Posted June 15, 2019 Author Posted June 15, 2019 That's fantastic! Well done!! How long are you going away? Seems a bit strange that he reacts this way. And is he around the same age? Is he jealous? Does he like art too? Thank you!! (a bit sad that my bf is less happy for me than strangers:laugh:). I'm just going away for a week and 2 different weekends (a bit strange, ik:rolleyes:). I think he's upset because we are in a long-distance relationship and I'm visiting him before the contest in France, so for him, this is probably a lost week of being together and that's it... He is 2 years older than me and isn't really into art :laugh:. I suppose he's kinda jealous because I am the most important thing for him, but for me, my career and he are really important and sometimes it isn't easy to choose one of them...
Author ppainter Posted June 15, 2019 Author Posted June 15, 2019 The thing that stood out to me was that he can’t stand your mom. Maybe is it because she’s not crazy about him either? If he acts like this I can see why. He probably just sees you doing well and knows you’re going to surpass him in life because he’s a jealous, sulky baby. I'm fascinated about how you deduced the thing about him and my mother . In fact, my mother doesn't like him at all (he had certain and high expectations), and I know he doesn't like some things about my mother (that I can understand). That's a problem that I still don't know how to manage/solve... About him feeling jealous, it's just that I don't think it's a success matter but a relationship one... For both, the more money we make, the better (because of future plans:rolleyes:).
amaysngrace Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 He’s probably feeling insecure that you’re doing better than he is. Truly if he’s a person to plan a future with he’d be overjoyed for your success, not pissy about it. 1
smackie9 Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 Let him sulk and you relish in your success. Don't let his poopy attitude ruin your happiness. Once he sees you are not going to let him get you down, he will snap out of it. Never ever let a man hold you back. You live your life the way you see fit. If you give him a response to his behavior, all you are going to do is enable it. Ignore it, and carry on. 2
Mrs._December Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 Please listen to me. You're a 17 year old teenage GIRL. Yes, I'm sure you feel grownup and all that (we all did at your age ) but the fact remains that you're a young teenage girl. You're a very young lady with her ENTIRE LIFE in front of her. I know you don't believe me but the truth is, the chances that you'll still even remember what this boyfriend's face LOOKS like 5 years from now are very, very low. Having a boyfriend at your age is what young people do. And after this boyfriend, you'll have another one and likely another one after that - which is what young people DO. My point is that this boyfriend is likely NOT your future even though you probably fervently believe he is. He's not, and therefore, please do NOT make any life choices based on his opinion of anything. Because he's likely NOT YOUR FUTURE. So the only one who should make any decisions about your future is you. Here's a piece of lifelong advice you should always, always remember - never pass up an opportunity to do something you're passionate about just to placate an immature, self-absorbed boy whose too envious of your success to authentically share your joy. And THAT'S the truth of the matter, ppainter. When you're older, you'll see that a man who truly loves you will always lift you UP, not do his best to drag you down and make you feel bad about something so wonderful - like this foolish boy is doing. He's one day just going to be a memory for you, OP. Nothing more than a memory. You don't need his approval, ppainter. How very exciting for you that someone has asked you to illustrate their work. They say if you have a job doing what you love, you'll never work a day in your life. Reach for the stars kiddo. And don't let ANYONE hold you back. 3
basil67 Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 Wow, I don't even know you - yet I am so excited for you. What a wonderful opportunity. Mrs December is right in all that she says. Please don't let him hold you back or dampen your spirit.
Versacehottie Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 First of all, congratulations! Ok, well your guy is young so he is probably not his most well-rounded self yet. That doesn't mean you should diminish your shine to make him feel good or lessen your achievements or rearrange time for him with these special things. While it seems like a negative that this has happened, in a unique way it's a great opportunity for growth and practice for you. In life, you will CONTINUE to come up against this same dilemma with various people over and over again. You have the unique opportunity to start practicing how you will deal with these occurrences--which look like they might come up a lot due to your talent! Listen, you don't want anyone to dim your shine. Within reason, you have to find a way to express something to this guy (or whoever does) in a way, that gives them a chance to support you...and possibly to keep refining it for the better over time (it's a growth process for them too!). Many women are conditioned to downplay their success or let their partner or others in their peer group take all the shine. I think it's great that you have noticed the issue and want to address it and would like support at such a young age. Good for you. It won't always be easy but yeah you do want to advocate for yourself and create a life where your closest will be people that support you and recognize your gifts and accomplishments & appreciate you for them. It's hard to speak up but a combo of that and action that backs it up is what you should do. Treat yourself like you are number #1. Good luck 1
Els Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 I suppose he's kinda jealous because I am the most important thing for him I really hate to pop your bubble, but if that was true, he wouldn't be behaving the way he is now. People who prioritize their partner, prioritize their partner's future. If you were truly "the most important thing to him", he would be cheering you on and encouraging you to go, because he would care about your future. He's just jealous because he's jealous. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Congratulations. Now try to remember your BF is 19 years old. He's still learning how to be himself & how to be in a relationship. He's going to make mistakes. He's going to get things wrong more then he gets them right. While his perspective is self centered & therefore not ideal, it's understandable. He hasn't matured enough yet to see the big picture. Do talk to him about how his lack of enthusiasm felt hurtful but don't let him being a wet blanket hold you back from your goals. Enjoy your time in France.
Redhead14 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 I am assume he's roughly as young as you are physically, but mentally and emotionally behind you. It's no surprise. There could be a little bit of jealousy going on as well. But, he may also just be worried that you are going to be moving on anyway to follow your dreams. He's worried about losing you. And, I guess he should be. You are too young and talented to be tied down right now. This will not be your last boyfriend, trust me. I think you should focus on your dreams and talents and skip having a steady boyfriend anyway. Once you're established and a secure, independent woman with much to offer (as you do now, of course), you will attract men who appreciate that about you. This is a wonderful time for you and you should have the full support of everyone around you. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Congratulations on your achievements and opportunities. And a bigger congratulations for using your voice (keyboard this time) standing up for yourself and for noticing and paying attention to your bad feelings about bf's reactions to opportunities you have. Two approaches here. My suggestion would be to absolutely go for both opportunities ... and take full advantage of them ... And then see how he reacts. Trust me, there is not a woman in the world (I'm a guy) who has compromised on opportunities like yours (in order to calm a man's nerves) ... and didn't quickly and later regret it. People compromise for sure ... but doing so to calm jealous and possessive nerves--no, that doesn't work. You want to remind him (once!) that if he had two great opportunities, he would expect you to be cheering him on. Your bf might have some old-fashioned sexist stuff going on ... doesn't mean he hates women ... just means he has taken in a lot of the old cultural thinking ... that it's the woman's job to cheer on to go-getter man and not vice versa. If he's a genuinely good guy, he'll quickly see that yes, his job in being your partner is to encourage you and support you emotionally ... and that means cheering for you ... and encouraging you to seize opportunities. If you have lean on him a lot--repeatedly--to get support and understanding, no ... Stop and dump him. You're not a trainer, and you don't want to spend your valuable time training someone who is resistant. It's his job to get a suggestion from the girl he loves, reflect it and work on himself. Your goal as the achiever you are ... is someone who is in your corner to congratulate you and jump up and down with your successes ... and who is there in your corner to hug and comfort you through disappointments. And now ... you are so cool to be facing up to this issue at age 17. You rock, sister! ... Keep rocking ... and don't stop ... because some guy in your life ... says he'll be a little lonely if you rock too much.
smackie9 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 What I see is a guy afraid of losing his GF...he sees you jetting off to another country, a promising career, him becoming less of a priority. He's sad and scared. 1
Els Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 She's not leaving permanently, though. She's literally only going to be gone for a week.
Redhead14 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 She's not leaving permanently, though. She's literally only going to be gone for a week. When you're young and in love, a week seems like an eternity, especially if you think this may just be the beginning of her being pulled way. 2
Gretchen12 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 You have fixed ideas of how he is supposed to act/say. Your bf is young too. He has not learned what he is supposed to say. There are certain things people say with or without feeling, because adults all say it so it's weird when someone doesn't. These include "Congratulations", "I'm so sorry to hear that", "I hope you feel better", "I'm so happy for you", "Merry Christmas". Sometimes it is heartfelt, sometimes it is just convention. He could have said the expected "congratulations" and still be controlling. There are people at work who act supportive then stab you in the back. I don't know if there may be other issues going on in your relationship, for example if he had told you something about himself and you ignored him. Relationships are complex. You can't demand a script. You can only communicate your own feelings and look for understanding.
smackie9 Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 She's not leaving permanently, though. She's literally only going to be gone for a week. he's a kid, a week can feel like forever...and he's worried it will change her, that he won't be as important.
BluEyeL Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 Congratulations! Keep reaching for your dreams. You're only 17 so (and I hope) this relatioship is not your forever. But yes, I would definitely not dimiss this with "he's young etc etc.". He's jealous. It's a red flag. In the future, if you date men who cannot be happy for your success, make sure you dump them promptly. They will compete with you and be insecure, maybe even sabotage your career. 4
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