Gretchen12 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 It depends on how serious the crush is. I had a crush last year and now I'm no longer interested to go out with him. I've had relationships where there was an ongoing joke about one of us having a crush on someone that we see on a regular basis. We tease each other and it was funny. That's because it's understood to be a crush that's lighthearted, not tormented. Of course, you know, if your gf hadn't told you she had a crush on this guy, you would be a happy camper now. You may even have dated girls in the past where she never told you she liked someone. In a way we are often someone's other choice, in theory. It's not your romantic tale of being each other's fated number one. We all have "the one that got away" and the reality of life is that people still fall madly in love with what you call second choice. I can't tell you what to do because only you know what you share. Just have to follow your heart. If you really can't stand this and it's going to continue to cause problems then file that under "incompatible" and move on. Just know that the older you get, the more history a woman has. But then they learn not to tell.
The Outlaw Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 It doesn't matter at this point how 'nice' she is to you or how much 'attention' she gives you. That should be yours and yours alone, and she's out there hanging out with some other guy when you're seeing her. If she really respected you and the relationship she has with you, she'd cut him loose. This is just ridiculous. Don't opt to the her second choice. Be her first.
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 The problem with her keeping this guy around for me is it's making it extremely hard for me to trust her, aside from the fact that it's not considerate to have him around considering that she mentioned he was a crush. I don't want to break up with her, as she's actually a good GF aside from this issue.
Marc878 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 She's not relationship material. If you just want to causally date her it would be fine. You're wasting your time thinking it'll be anything more. It's sounds like you're the main issue in that you want more that she's capable of giving.
The Outlaw Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 The problem with her keeping this guy around for me is it's making it extremely hard for me to trust her, aside from the fact that it's not considerate to have him around considering that she mentioned he was a crush. I don't want to break up with her, as she's actually a good GF aside from this issue. Without trust, there really isn't a relationship. That's a major plus for me that would make it work. If it were me, she'd be gone. I'm not going to be anyone's second.
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) I'd say to her that while you are fine with her being around men in general because you are a secure person & you trust her, because she previously told you that she had a crush on him you have sore spot about him. Admit that shortcoming / weakness. Explain that her spending time with him upsets you & makes you feel like 2nd best. Ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. . I want to ask: she already said she wont see him 1 to 1, only if there are other people. Is that enough, from her side? Or am I still in the right to be bothered of her meeting this guy at all? Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
preraph Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 As someone who usually had some guy she would have dropped anyone for but dated nonetheless, I can just tell you that IF he decides to come on to her, she will drop you like a hot potato. Now, the fact they've been friends a while and he hasn't done so may indicate that he never will, but I don't know how old and mature this guy is. So like if he's young and not confident, he may just not have worked himself up to it yet. Or he may have a crush on someone else in the group. Or maybe he was taken at one time. But for sure, if that's her crush, she will not pass up any opportunity that might present itself. I never did and never would. I wouldn't commit to someone under those circumstances though and would probably disentangle if I felt that's where they were headed. Chances are he already knows she likes him and isn't doing anything about it for his own reasons, but that doesn't really make it any easier to know her mind isn't all that much on you. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I want to ask: she already said she wont see him 1 to 1, only if there are other people. Is that enough, from her side? Or am I still in the right to be bothered of her meeting this guy at all? You can be bothered about anything you want. What you can't do is control how she behaves. You are her 2nd choice. Why do you continue to fight this uphill battle? She will always prefer him & will do whatever it takes to get her man. You are a place filler.
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 You can be bothered about anything you want. What you can't do is control how she behaves. You are her 2nd choice. Why do you continue to fight this uphill battle? She will always prefer him & will do whatever it takes to get her man. You are a place filler. The reason I’m asking the questions I am is because I don’t want to break up considering this is the only issue in the relationship and she doesnt see that guy often, so I’d like practical advice on how to deal with this while staying in the relationship.
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 Practical advice: turn off your feelings. Enjoy having sex with her while she grants you that privilege but know this will end as soon as he expresses interest 1
preraph Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 As I said in my journal about my crush, "Did I want Hugh back at some point? Yes. Would I have given up five years of sporadic hand kissing from Trey for it? No." Your heart wants what it wants.
rightondude Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 listen dude if she wants to be with this guy and he wanted to be with her, there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it from happening. You can either be in the dark about it or just let her do what she's going to do anyway. Trying to put a stop to it even in the nicest respectful way possible is just going to make it more sexy for them when they finally do it. 1
Highndry Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 (edited) This is not okay. She's hoping he finally expresses romantic interest in her in which case she will drop you like a bad habit. Edited June 15, 2019 by Highndry 1
Highndry Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 Geez, I knew this sounded familiar. Same story, same OP, different thread. YAWN.
DKT3 Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 The only issue? Haha, people get divorced over this only issue
Interstellar Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 (edited) The reason I’m asking the questions I am is because I don’t want to break up considering this is the only issue in the relationship and she doesnt see that guy often. You’re rationalizing dude. That’s dangerous. Wake up and smell the coffee. I don’t want to find you one day in the middle of the street, crying, suicidal, and heartbroken. You gotta be strong man. Learn to drop women who aren’t good for you. This chick must be really, really good looking huh. Edited June 15, 2019 by Interstellar 1
elaine567 Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 Are you still sourcing and sleeping with other girls on Tinder as per your last thread in May?
Author skanzer Posted June 15, 2019 Author Posted June 15, 2019 Are you still sourcing and sleeping with other girls on Tinder as per your last thread in May? No. Not at all.
Author skanzer Posted June 15, 2019 Author Posted June 15, 2019 “Honestly, I don’t even want to bring it up but you make me very uncomfortable when you see this person like last night and now tomorrow. It bothers me considering some things in the past and you keep doing it, and it doesnt seem to matter to you how I feel about this.” I sent this message to her and her only response is “Trust me... only normal friend....” and she stopped answering me.
preraph Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 You might get an agreement from her, but that won't make her like you better than him, so you need to just accept that she's not staying with you and either enjoy having sex with her or move on. It's probably unlikely he will choose her, but that won't stop her pursuing him or make her like you more than him. Women have this trouble all the time, the guy they like always looking for greener pastures. I give you the same advice I give them. Don't make any commitments to her and agree you both date whoever you want to date. Be up front about it. She's going to anyway if she gets the chance and you being faithful will not stop her. Trust me, if I've learned anything, I've learned that. 1
elaine567 Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 When a person tells you they have a crush on someone else that is the time to walk away. Relationships are hard enough, without having to continually herd your mate away from their crush... 1
Author skanzer Posted June 18, 2019 Author Posted June 18, 2019 Just an update. 1) On Friday, she went to the bar again with that 1 girl and the "crush", and she ended up taking the last train and went home (though, she told me she rode in a taxi with the "crush" to the station which bothered me). 2) On Sunday, she did a 1 day road trip with a girl, a guy and the "crush" and she PHOTOGRAPHED him during this trip. Now on the crushes instagram, there are photos posted of him that my GIRLFRIEND took of him, and he tagged her thanking her in the post. I don't know if the RIGHT thing for her to do is completely cut him off considering he's her friend and they have mutual friends, and have been friends before I even met her, or if I'm just worrying way too much and should give her some credit because she does many things great with me and shows a lot of interest, sex, communication etc, and honestly doesn't see this guy that much. She said she won't meet 1 on 1 with him, but that was the only concession she made to me. She said she doesn't have a crush on him, and that I am the one for her, and that she chose me. She sees me 4-5 days a week, texts me a lot daily, and the "crush" KNOWS I'm dating her...so I'm wondering if I'm really just blowing this out of proportion. She tells me that yes, she said he was a crush EARLY ON, but chose me to date and that he's just a good friend.
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2019 Posted June 18, 2019 It would still make me uncomfortable but if you trust her & you want to stick around, OK. I don't think you can get upset because they shared a taxi or she took a picture of him (unless it was nude picture). Maybe as she has gotten closure to you she has figured out he's only a pretty face. You better be sure you can deal with him being in her life & them spending time together. He's not going away.
Author skanzer Posted June 18, 2019 Author Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) @d0nnivain.... I told her it bothered me and she agreed to not meet him 1 on 1. Maybe it's wrong for me to expect her to completely cut this friend off from her life who she has friend history with even before we met and they share mutual friends. It makes me look controlling. She said she wants to introduce me to him and that maybe I'd feel better about things once I meet him and more of her friends. My natural instinct is I HATE when she sees him at all, and I told her it really bothered me and it and noticeably been an issue that hurt the relationship to some degree, but I feel this guy is a friend of hers who is staying, and the best approach is to meet him and make peace with it all? Also, I'm wondering if her keeping him in her life, a guy she's known only half a year, is blatant disrespect and inconsiderate of her to me given the content. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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