skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 Hi everyone, I’ve been dating a girl for 3-4 months. Early when we met, after a couple weeks, I told her I liked her and her response that she already has a crush on someone else. Fast forward, she’s my girlfriend now, we have great sex, she sees me 3-5 days a week and always stays in contact when she’s not with me. But… The guy who she said early on that she has a crush on, she still hangs out with him sometimes, usually in small groups (they used to meet 1 on 1 while we are dating but she said she won’t do that anymore after some arguments), but somehow he’s always in the picture. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I told my girlfriend in the past that it really bothered me. I haven’t even met him yet, and am out of town for a couple weeks, and tonight she’s having a meeting where he’ll be there, and Sunday as well he’ll be there. Note: she’s known the “crush” guy 6 months before she met me, so he was previously her friend, which I think is important to note. He's even went on a 5 day road trip with her (another girl was there too). I guess my question is, am I out of line given the circumstances to feel this way? Is she out of line for keeping him around while dating me, a guy she admitted to having a crush on? Would I be out of line to tell her it bothers me for her to meet him? Is it really as simple as "just trust" her? Thank you...
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 You are out of line to expect her to not attend any group event -- especially an organized one -- where he will be present. You are fine to enforce boundaries where she doesn't initiate contact with him or spend one on one alone time with him. Since you are fully aware that if he had expressed interest in her, she never would have taken up with you, it stands to reason you would prefer he be gone from her life. You can't be certain that you are not her 2nd choice, the guy she's dating solely because the guy she wants isn't interested. I would not want to be in your shoes. Knowing the uncomfortable position she put you in, if she was a caring person she would be doing a lot more to prove that you are the guy she wants. Since she's not, well, only you know if that is because she'd throw you over in a heart beat or if she's just clueless / not compassionate.
Interstellar Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 What’s your age and her? The rule is there should be no exes or guys she’s interested in the background. In fairness, she did tell you she already liked someone else. You should’ve listened. Yes, she should’ve drop that guy if she’s seeing you. She wants to keep two turkeys around because she likes the drama. Don’t tell her not to see this guy, and you would need to let this one go if I were you. Wish her the best, don’t be angry at her, learn from your mistakes and move on.
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) You are out of line to expect her to not attend any group event -- especially an organized one -- where he will be present.... I don't expect her not to attend any group event. She sometimes meets with a group of friends, and he's not there, but other guys are, and I feel TOTALLY fine with it. I'm just uncomfortable with her meeting with that one guy she previously said she has a crush on. And you make an excellent analysis that has gone through my mind. Sometimes, despite how nice she is to me and attention she gives me, I feel I was her second choice. When I was initially dating her, she would also go to dinners alone with this "crush" of hers. I feel, because he didn't make a move, she settled for me. But fast forward, it just bothers me that she STILL keeps him around. How should I handle this? What would be the right decision for her to do (on her own, I dont want to demand anything)? Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) What’s your age and her?... I'm 29, she's 27. You think I should end the relationship solely because she meets with him sometimes? Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 But fast forward, it just bothers me that she STILL keeps him around. How should I handle this? What would be the right decision for her to do (on her own, I dont want to demand anything)? I'm pretty direct (blunt) & I don't suffer fools lightly especially in my romantic life. I'd say to her that while you are fine with her being around men in general because you are a secure person & you trust her, because she previously told you that she had a crush on him you have sore spot about him. Admit that shortcoming / weakness. Explain that her spending time with him upsets you & makes you feel like 2nd best. Ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. Ask her how she thinks the situation can be improved. If she gives you any answer other than she will not see him one on one, you need to think long & hard about this. If she gaslights you or turns it around on you & tries to make it out like you are insecure for feeling this way, that is a huge red flag. Either bail or proceed with extreme caution. At minimum you need to be introduced to this guy sooner rather than later so you can eyeball their interactions for yourself & "mark your territory" by giving him a visual of you & your GF being together. If she scales back PDA in his presence you know you are only a place filler. Sorry. 1
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) @d0nnivain..... Thing is, she already told me she will no longer meet 1 on 1 with him, but she still sees him in small groups. For example, tonight, my GF met with a girl, and that "crush" is coming and they are drinking in a bar. Sunday, she's hanging out with a girl and 2 guys (one of which is the crush). EVEN her meeting him in a group setting, I'm VERY bothered, because it's a chance for her and him to get closer potentially. AGAIN, she meets with other guys sometimes, I don't say anything or feel any concern. I feel only concern if the guy she said she has a crush previously on is there, which I think most people would feel uncomfortable. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Interstellar Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) I'm 29, she's 27. You think I should end the relationship solely because she meets with him sometimes? How often did she meet the guy. Okay, if it becomes a consistent pattern then let her go. I’d watch her like a hawk to gather evidence if you have something real concrete then let her go. I thought you’re 17-18 ish. You sounded very young and naive. Edited June 14, 2019 by Interstellar
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 How often did she meet the guy. Okay, if it becomes a consistent pattern then let her go. I thought you’re 17-18 ish. You sounded very young and naive. In their 6 month friendship before I met her, I don't know how often, but they seem to have a good handful of meetings together. While I met her and started dating her, she'd see him once a week or twice max. It seems now she sees him much less since she's been seeing me 4-5 times a week ...but her seeing the guy tonight and also Sunday bothers me, even though it's in a small group setting. And usually when she meets him, drinks are involved. She texts me and calls me after work all the time, and gives me a lot of reassurance that I'm her only guy.
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 Thing is, she already told me she will no longer meet 1 on 1 with him, but she still sees him in small groups. For example, tonight, my GF met with a girl, and that "crush" is coming and they are drinking in a bar. Sunday, she's hanging out with a girl and 2 guys (one of which is the crush).. When I was talking about organized groups I envisioned both him & her being members of "save the whales" or volunteers on a campaign or something where there were dozens of other people around & they were all working toward a common goal. What you are describing is still too intimate & therefore unacceptable. It's practically a double date. Get yourself invited to the bar & see the lay of the land for yourself. I think that will cure you of trusting her.
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) @d0nnivain...... She's previously been hesitant to introduce me to him, but she recently suggested that I can meet him. Also, on social media, she's been newly posting stories of us together, and photos, so the "crush" probably knows I'm dating her. Do you think the better approach is to just accept her friendship with him, but involve myself in the meetings? Or would the right decision from her be to slowly cut the guy off out of respect for the relationship given the circumstances? The fact that I'm out of town for a bit and he's involved in her hangouts Friday and Sunday bothers me still and I think is disrespectful given that we've argued about this and I told her it bothers me. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Interstellar Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) In their 6 month friendship before I met her, I don't know how often, but they seem to have a good handful of meetings together. . Does she still text with this guy? smh, this is a clean up case. If she has to reassure you then you’re probably showing one way or another or telling her your insecurities which is opposite of keeping it fun and light. I won’t bring up this guy with her again. But if she continues texting and seeing this guy I would drop her. You have to protect your heart and your time. Because there are tons of girls out there you may be missing out on who have a lot to offer. And you never, ever tell a girl you like her. That’s Hollywood brainwashing nonsense. Let her come to you and ask you to be the boyfriend. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) @Interstellar.... Of course she still texts him, she's meeting with him tonight and Sunday. At least meet up initiation texts were sent at the very least. I agree I shouldn't bring him up, but he's still in the picture. It's difficult for me to swallow that she still meets him, despite me telling her it bothers me in the past. Yes, she said no longer will she meet him 1 on 1, but the group meetings make me uncomfortable too if he's there. And i agree 100%, I should never tell a girl I like her. Yes, I've shown some "insecurities", but I don't think unreasonable ones. Is it really insecurity if I'm upset that she's having dinner 1 on 1 with this guy, for example, which has happened in the past? I've expressed I don't like it when it happened. ALSO, I agree 100%. I want to keep things fun and light, and I usually always am, but that doesn't mean I can't express things that I don't like in the relationship. Keeping it fun and light shouldn't be me being okay with her meeting her past crush. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 If you are secure about it, continue. If his presence bothers you speak up. a few months after our 1st wedding anniversary my husband had to go away for 6 weeks of training. It wasn't far from our house so I went to visit on the weekend. I met several colleagues of his including one woman he paid far too much attention to for my liking. She immediately picked up on my vibe of not liking her & being jealous. God bless her, she went out of her way to reassure me that she had no interest in my husband. DH didn't even understand why I was so annoyed. Whenever he would mention her I went nuts. I saw picture of them together on social media -- a bunch of people having a drink after training -- & it caused the worst fight DH & I ever had. Two years later DH was stupid enough to invite her & her FI to meet us for drinks while we were in her city on the west coast for the wedding of DH's sister. I freaked. Finally his parents stepped in & told him while it was inappropriate for him to maintain a friendship with her or to expect me to be OK with it. Some people just rub you the wrong way when they are interacting with your SO.
Interstellar Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) Of course she still texts him, she's meeting with him tonight and Sunday. At least meet up initiation texts were sent at the very least.... My friend, if she tells you she won’t meet with him but still texts him, it tells me that her actions isn’t consistent with her words. It’s okay to be upset with her because every man and woman wants loyalty. But going back to my first point, I would never make anyone my gf if she tells me she has a crush on so and so before I even date her. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 I feel like telling her this message below, is it unwise? I don't want to seem weak, and honestly I hate that I have to even be in this situation. "I’ve repeatedly expressed that I’m not comfortable for you to hang out with someone who you previously said you have a crush on and you keep doing it, like your plan tonight and Sunday. This is not an issue of lack of trust, or anything personal to the guy, it’s about respect. Do as you wish, but out of consideration I wouldnt do something like this to a girl I am dating if it made her uncomfortable and I valued the relationship."
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 It's fine as a face to face discussion. It's lousy & will cause an immediate fight / break up as a text.
Author skanzer Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 It's fine as a face to face discussion. It's lousy & will cause an immediate fight / break up as a text. What do you think the right thing for her to do is? Completely drop him? Do you think that my GF seeing him tonight (even though she's with another girl) is wrong? What's the right thing for me to do? She's with the girl and him right now, and it's just eating at me honestly and pisses me off.
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I think you are both free to do whatever you want. If she wants to see him on these faux double dates, then you have to decide when you are going to stop tolerating this. You can't force her. You can only deal with what you are willing to do (walk away) or not (stay & put up with him in her life) I have meals & drinks with my male buddies all the time. But when I am in a relationship I don't spend time in small settings with crushes especially without my SO.
OatsAndHall Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) The relationship is young but you have every right to establish some basic boundaries. Asking her to cut off social contact with a guy she has a crush on isn't an unreasonable boundary to try and establish. If her cutting off contact with him is an issue, then she values her "friendship" with him more than your relationship and it's time to cut ties. My last SO told me that her and her ex were friends early on in our relationship. I told her that was a firm deal-breaker for me; I don't date women who are "friends" with their past partners. I had no right to demand she stop talking to him but I also didn't have to stay with her. She was upset about it initially as she felt that I was laying out an ultimatum. I told her that wasn't the case; I was establishing a boundary for my own sanity and that, after a month of dating, there'd be no harm-no foul in calling it off. She understood and stopped talking to him. Edited June 14, 2019 by OatsAndHall 1
Flame Aura Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) I'm surprised nobody has clocked on this is the same OP who made the thread about his girlfriend going on a road trip with this guy... just check his last topic. Edited June 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Rude 3
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 skanzer If Flame Aura is correct & it's the same girl, she is absolutely stringing you along until he wakes up & decides to date her. You are the guy she is using to make the guy she wants jealous. In your other thread, https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/685361-racist-have-racial-dating-preference you stopped posting after saying you were OK with casual because you were having sex with other women too. If that has changed on your end, I feel sorry for you, because you are still merely the dalliance she uses to amuse herself while she waits for the other guy. Wake up before you get in deeper. This won't end well for you unless you end it
Versacehottie Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 apologies because i haven't read all the responses but I think you are not out of line to feel the way you do, however that doesn't mean you should just act on your feelings. I think you have to trust her and it's a test of sorts to how she will handle and respect boundaries. You can't really control or cage someone from doing what they want to do with another person as it will typically happen anyway or the caging will destroy the relationship and your sanity likely. I think you can lightly express a little something but be careful it's a double-edged sword of making you look bad or insecure (aka a turnoff to me/most of my girlfriends when a guy acts jealous, insecure). If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything but if you do so do it lightly and with humor IMO. 1
OatsAndHall Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) @Versacehottie.... I don't believe that it's a test; it's just laying out some basic boundaries within the relationship for his own sanity and self-respect. You're correct, he can't demand that she do anything but he can remove himself from the situation if she can't respect the boundaries that he has laid out. I think it's smart for folks to figure out what their boundaries are for a relationship and throw them out there early. My ex gf spent time with a good male friend a few times a month and I had no issue with it; he is a great guy. Hell, at the end of the day, I think I liked hanging out with him more than her. However, some random guy she knew from high school popped up, started hitting on her over Facebook ("You're beautiful!" "You're gorgeous!" "How can you look even better than you did in high school?") and then asked to go out to dinner; I wasn't kosher with that. Thankfully, she wasn't comfortable with him either and it was a non-issue. But, this was a topic we discussed when she asked if I was "okay" with her hanging around with her close friend. Her previous SO's hadn't been comfortable with it but I could have cared less as he wasn't an orbiter. She didn't know what an "orbiter" was so I explained the term to her and she agreed that hanging out with those types of guys wasn't good for the relationship. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Versacehottie Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 O&H, lol well I could have predicted we'd have differing opinions on this topic. I actually don't know the poster's history that the others are referencing so just taking what he is saying at a clean slate. I do think he can state his feelings somewhat like you are saying. Though as I stated I wouldn't recommend doing it as for every girl I know it's a turnoff, especially loyal trustworthy ones (i don't really hang out with the other kind but do know some and they might not be bothered as long as they keep getting away with what they get away with--ultimately that is the point). Suffice it to say we are on opposite ends of the spectrum of personal preferences here. I'm not a jealous person much at all and find it pretty transparent when someone is and off-putting. IME, guys (and girls) who express their "boundaries" rarely walk away they just keep trying to contain and be possessive. OP, can walk away now if he feels so disrespected. In the end, it's probably a personal preference though, maybe the jealous types should date each other and will have no problem setting boundaries and the other ones who rely on trust should date each other. I have definitely dumped guys specifically for being jealous. Not attractive IMO.
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