delux27 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 This is my first attempt at trying to meet someone since me and the mother or my child split. My son is almost 3yrs old and the mother has been dating awhile already and the guy has been spending time with my son. The whole situation has been tough for me as me and her have split before but got back together and it's obvious this time she has moved on. The relationship was toxic and I caught her talking to other men multiple times. Trying to date at this point has proven difficult as my friendship circle isn't as big as it used to be and everyone I know is in a relationship it seems. I am excluded from couple activities and feel like the third wheel most of the time. I work full time as a bartender and take classes part time while raising my son 3.5 days a week. Going out seems difficult and dating apps I have tried seem to lead to dead ends when I mention I have a son or am not graduated from college at 31. I only have a year left of school but I fear I will only be more busy once I graduate trying to build my career. Part of me feels like just giving up and accepting that I may be single for a very long time. For now I can remain focused on my school and improving my health as I have been, though this lifestyle has been extremely lonely. Seeing my ex move on to a much happier life and to not be a part of it also makes it more difficult. Is there any hope i can actually find someone at this age as a single dad?
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 If you work as a bartender & go to school, you should have dozens of opportunities every day to meet new women. Talk to somebody in your bar or in school. Also tell all the wives & GFs of your buddies that you are open to being fixed up 2
Frogwife Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I can imagine it seems lonely now (especially seeing your ex - seemingly - move on so quickly) but don't be afraid to take some down time from dating. You have your son part time (who doesn't need to be introduced to anyone for a LOOOOONG time), you are busy with work and school and you are healing from a breakup. I know that I were looking for a normal (serious) dating relationship, I would be very leery seeing a guy so fresh off a breakup with such a young child. I would feel that there was a lot of unfinished stuff to be dealt with and that he understandably wouldn't have time to date full time. If I were just looking for an occasional get together, that would be a different story. I know it sounds trite to say, but don't rush things - allow yourself some time alone and with your son/work/school.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 because a big part of dating is out of your control I would like to encourage you to only worry about what you can control. dating is not a sprint its a marathon so try not to worry about "dating". try not to worry about "how long im going to be single" try not to worry about "if somebody wants me because im a single dad that havent graduated yet" focus on what you can do. build a lifestyle/routine that is going to make you happy and help reach your goals. and then just do it/live your life doing whatever contributes to your happiness and that goal. if being in a relationship is one of those goals fine. take care of yourself (health, finances, personal grooming, emotional well being) take care of your darling son do things you enjoy get out the house when you can strike conversation with women you are attracted to in your day to day and online if the woman seems friendly and receptive and communicative in conversation ask for her number make time to get to know these women (maybe carve out an hour a day for phone calls and a night or two a week for dates if you can) cut out women who show themselves not good to you and your son rinse and repeat until you find a woman who reciprocates your interests and show no deal breaking red flags consistently that you want to be exclusive with and that wants to be exclusive with you there is really is nothing more to it. just make the time to take small actions that will lead you towards your goal. dont sweat the stuff that you cant change. good luck 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 Also, don't compare your life with your ex's life. She was talking to men while you were together and wasted no time getting involved with someone. The way she's relating with men isn't healthy and her relationship with this new guy will have it's share of problems and probably not last. However, you are handling things in a healthy way by waiting to get involved. Yes, it's lonely, but with a child, school and work you have enough to concentrate on without getting into a relationship. You have only one year left to finish school! When you're out you'll not only have more time to date but will also be more attractive as a prospective mate. Hang in there, friend! You've chosen a good route by going back to school! And you'll still be plenty young to find love again once you're out!
smackie9 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 The adjustment period is always the worst because there is some uncertainty. You will be ok 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 Absolutely there's hope for you having a happy dating life. It's not even a close call--there's overwhelming reason to be hopeful. First, your thing with your ex ... feeling bad that she has apparently moved on ... that's merely a brain glitch. I felt this way when my ex got remarried within two years of our divorce. It was a reflex ... the deeper truth is that I was so relieved that she had found someone because I was worried that she was unstable and would be calling me threatening to harm herself if I didn't return to her. (She made threats like this when we were together.) And the marriage was a disaster ... a product of my low social skills at he time. So don't worry about your ex. Her new partner will face the same problems with her that you had. Every one of those problems. Here's a key step. You want to practice seeing yourself as a catch. You want to practice--and you might need to talk this out and think about this--telling your life story as a success. Being an involved, caring dad ... that's a great quality. Many women are impressed with that. You'll have your degree in a short while ... Great ... and you're working ... Those are all good qualities. But you got to own your life, feel good about your life, because women (and men) pick up on self-doubt we have about ourselves. And our own self-doubt blocks us from going out into the world. Frankly, might not be a bad idea to not worry about dating and "finding someone" for now and instead ... just focus on building a life you like. Focus on having great conversations with people, with presenting your life story as a journey in process. Practice valuing your own interests and passions and what you do well. Go for activities you enjoy, hobbies you enjoy ... read ... do things that are good for you and without even trying (I get the sense that you are trying really hard right now) you'll meet people that you like and who like you. But you want to believe in you ... which allows others who meet you to believe in you. Confidence isn't just about swagger and having your chest out and all of that. Really, one reason confidence is so attractive is because others sense, "I don't have to take care of this person." And "this person is going places." "This person has goals he's pursuing." "I can rely on his person and their strengths." So yes, where you are in terms of work and education and probably money right now ... can trip you up ... based on superficial stuff from society. But really, what most people want ... is someone who is going places and who really believes in themselves. So make sure in your own head you believe in your story ... and you believe in your steps towards your life goals. That self belief is really attractive to people ... and once you get your mind about it, that self-belief is based in reality. You work. You take responsibility for your kid. You're in school. Just keep in mind where you want to be at 40 and carry yourself as someone who is heading towards that goal and that makes you a catch right now. Not reaching he goal, but taking the steps towards that goal. And sneak in some good conversations with some of those women who come to the bar. 1
chillii Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 Just wondering how long since you and ex split first of all? Your sons only 3 , he could not possibly understand what's happened or adjusted to it especially if it hasn't been very long since you split so for her to have someone new around him at this stage is pure selfishness and a really stupid thing to do. Especially if it's not going to be a lasting thing or she doesn't know if it will be yet, he should not even be meeting him yet. You really should research this stuff and then talk to her about it, set some ground rules about new people around your son. But eh , as for your personal life, it'll come together, takes time. And actually you must have the dream job for a single guy anyway , maybe you'll just meet the right girl at work some time. As far as her not wanting someone in your position, why would you even want someone that shallow and superficial anyway. Hold out for someone of quality with a bit of depth and understanding that can think about someone other than herself, maybe she'll even have a child too, who knows. At any rate, you'll be ok.
rightondude Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 brother I was 39 when I split and I have 1/2 custody of my TWO kids. I have had more sex in the past 3 years than I had the entire time I was married. So yes, it is possible. Get on dating apps, flirt with girls at your bar, flirt with girls in your class, smile everywhere you go, and good things will happen. It took me about 6 months to pump myself up enough where I stood a chance with a woman, so fix your perception, know you have value, and go sell yourself YOUNG man. 1
Author delux27 Posted June 15, 2019 Author Posted June 15, 2019 (edited) Just wondering how long since you and ex split first of all? Your sons only 3 , he could not possibly understand what's happened or adjusted to it especially if it hasn't been very long since you split so for her to have someone new around him at this stage is pure selfishness and a really stupid thing to do. Especially if it's not going to be a lasting thing or she doesn't know if it will be yet, he should not even be meeting him yet. You really should research this stuff and then talk to her about it, set some ground rules about new people around your son. But eh , as for your personal life, it'll come together, takes time. And actually you must have the dream job for a single guy anyway , maybe you'll just meet the right girl at work some time. As far as her not wanting someone in your position, why would you even want someone that shallow and superficial anyway. Hold out for someone of quality with a bit of depth and understanding that can think about someone other than herself, maybe she'll even have a child too, who knows. At any rate, you'll be ok. Me and her split 5 months ago. We talked about getting back together and even hooked up 3 months ago. It seems they started dating around the same time it probably even overlapped but I can't even be mad at her because I was dumb enough to even consider it and sleep with her. I didn't even know she was dating and found out through a friend who saw it on Facebook and she had already had him spending time with my son. It's so obvious she wants to replace me as his father as from what I hear they spend almost everyday together when she has him and they just went on a full weekend long camping trip with her whole family. She had the nerve to send me a picture of him in the car with my son riding in his lap with no carseat or seatbelt on.. She is a narcissist and doesn't believe anything she does is wrong. I feel helpless in the situation and can't do anything about it when he is so young and impressionable. I spend all 3 of my days with him and take him to do fun things almost everyday. I know his bond with me is strong but it's hard to compete with the fun new guy who is obviously just playing his role to make her happy. When I met him he seemed nice and literally said he doesn't want to be his father. He is 25 though and is in over his head with the type of person my ex is. I know that my quickness to try to date so desperately has stemmed from my reaction to the situation. I am going to do my best to just focus on myself and my son for awhile. Work on this dad bod I've gained and focus on finishing my degree as soon as possible. Be the best dad I can be. Telling myself to keep my head high and get through the day as I do believe better days will come. Thank you all so much for the responses as it definetly helped me to out things into perspective. Edited June 15, 2019 by delux27 1
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