Good while it lasted - 5 years

[Hopeful4Ever]

Hi all,

 

First time poster. Started reading here last year and have to say that you have all really helped me - enormously. I think the fact that there's so many of us on here that have all experienced going through really difficult emotional problems makes coping so much easier, although it's still very hard.

 

This is a MASSIVE POST please don't read this if you don't think you can manage it. I've really tried hard to squeeze 5 years into a medium article here and trust me, I haven't even got close to achieving that...HOWEVER IT IS INTERESTING SO YOUR EFFORT MAY PAY OFF hopefully ��

 

I honestly don't know where to begin. I guess at the start. So, wind the clock back to summer 2014. I was in a dead end, 22 year relationship with my 42 year old alcholic partner to whom I'd fathered 3 children. 2 twin boys and a daughter. They were at primary. Each night I'd come home there was my partner blind drunk. I'd had calls from the school, from my kids about her excessive drinking and I was tired of it all over two decades. I felt exhausted. As a result, we hadn't been together for many years in a romantic way. I felt massively alone and had done for a long time. I can't stress that enough. I felt dead inside. If you make any judgements about me and what I am about to say then please be mindful of my situation for so many years which was soul destroying.

 

So I decided to look for something. I'd been looking after myself while my partner had tried to dissapear down a bottle (despite my repeated attempts at helping her) and I knew that I had a lot to offer someone and a lot of love to offer. So I did something unthinkable, I created an online dating profile and I started looking. One morning a message arrived from a woman who was to become the love of my life up to that point. She was married, extremely attractive, very confident, but suggested that her marriage was extremely unhappy. Due to holidays on both sides we didn't get together for 6 weeks but remained in constant contact via texts for what seemed like every moment of the day and night. We were both sending texts to the point of intoxication. Then we met discretely one Saturday afternoon it was fireworks instantly. The chemistry was like nothing I'd experienced before. The feel of everything was just perfect. The second date was full on physical at a hotel for a complete weekend and then every weekend after that it was the same. Yes we were both doing this but it didn't seem wrong. We had our reasons. Hers was, as she said was due to her husband's repeated infidelity.

 

She openly admitted that I wasn't her first during the marriage either. Prior there had been atleast one other revenge affair (doubtless others too). Still I was lost, I admit that. I was totally head over heels. It was mutual I'd have been mad to think otherwise at the time. We would sneak out just to say hello and meet up in the evenings. She lived a mile away and, as it turned out we both went to the same school in the 80's and were in the same year. There was more than a passing mutual attraction, we had a lot in common, knew many of the same people, liked the same music, food, shared similar passions.

 

So we came to the crunch point. Things weren't going well in her relationship and she found her husband online reported to her by a close friend. She took over that conversation and set him up in a 'honey trap' before confronting him about it at the hotel. That was it, 17 years of her marriage "over" but she didn't seem to care. Her marital house went on the market and her estranged husband then found out about us weeks later. Obviously carefully orchestrated to which he was devastated. I remember her saying "if I can just keep him long enough to buy me a new car" by God I should have run a mile then.

 

Fast forward slightly and I had the discussion with my partner that I was moving out. I told my kids I was leaving their mother but not leaving them. I moved in to my new girlfriends house since she was now alone there. It took six months to sell. During this time we saw each other whenever we weren't at work until seeing my kids at weekends started to annoy her. "So what am I supposed to do when you're spending time with them?" came her response one day.

 

I guess I should have dealt with it there and then but I was afraid that I didn't want to lose what I had just found in this 44 year old, tall, swanky, bubbly, attractive, sexually dominant woman, so I glossed over it by saying this is something I need to do. I don't think it really registered at this point.

 

We then had our first breakup. I moved in to my mums.

She was unhappy about my new routine. Until I got this fixed and she knew what was happening we couldn't see each other. There was nothing to really fix! There was a routine.

 

Two weeks passed and we reconciled. Her house sale went through and we moved in to her friends house which was vacant while the divorce settlement was concluded and we could find another house. My sister was selling hers close by and the deal was done. We moved in together. This seemed perfect to me. I was with the woman I wanted to be with and for the first time in years made me feel alive and wanted. Then the first night on moving in she caused an argument over literally nothing. Cold shoulder followed the next day but blew over. This was about moving furniture which I'd done but she claimed she had!

 

A few weeks later after seeing the kids regularly at weekends she caused another argument and a breakup. This lasted two weeks. I moved out only to be asked for a talk later. "Its the kids she said." I got up off the chair and went to the door. "Come back don't be so fast" she said. We talked for an hour and once again agreed to reconcile. I knew now what this woman's true feelings were toward me caring for my children. It wasn't that she didn't accept my caring for them it was that they were taking me away from her.

 

So life carried on, we loved and mostly laughed for another four months and then six weeks prior to new years eve I started to sense a change in her attitude toward me. And then on new years eve at a restaurant returning from the toilet I found her going through my phone messages. "See anything you like I said?" Then came the reply "Yes I did actually" We returned back to the house and what she'd found was a sexual prank giff sent on whattsapp by a friend, the kind of thing that gets banded around by your mates nothing grossly offensive but is just a joke. She stormed off upstairs saying she's had all this porn with her ex husband. I packed and left immediately carrying only an overnight bag. The next day I returned and removed everything and moved back to my my mothers. A week later I received a message. We had booked a holiday to Morocco and she wanted to take her her terminally ill mother in my place. I said "sure take your mother in my place, it's the least I can do" that didn't happen. 1 week later she contacted me. "I'd rather go with you she said. Then admitted to changing the tickets, only to having to change them back again as she couldn't get insurance on her terminally ill mother.

 

We had a fantastic week. When I came back my ex the childrens mother had taken a serious turn for the worse and was admitted hospital through intoxication.

 

My ex then went into residential rehab and I was forced to move back into the family home to take on a full time parent role. That would not change and whilst there was nothing I could do, nor would I have changed anything other than to step in. My new partner wasn't happy but decided to stay over a few nights a week with us. Over the next year, three nights dwindled to two nights, two nights dwindled to one night and then she started appearing just once a fortnight. It came to a head when I said I was going out with my friends as I was sick of being ignored.

 

This was July 28, 2018. She sent me a text "(my name) this is the hardest message I've ever had to send you but if you meet someone this evening you have my blessing to be with them. I would always like you in my life but hopefully we can remain friends, we're over".

 

I replied and tried to reason but she was resolute. I was dumped. This wasn't the first or second time.

 

Two weeks later while in NC on one Saturday morning my phone bleeped with all the photos she had taken of me. I responded and returned the favour.

 

A week later I received a text. "I've got some of your things and your house key can we meet?" We met up and exchanged items. I asked her for a coffee. She seemed happy. We sat down and talked. "Its the kids she said"

 

"Well I'm a full time dad I replied" we talked once again and went on our seperate ways. In August I took my children to Disneyland Paris. One night while there approx 4 weeks after our split I joined a dating site and found her there chatting away. I sent her a message wishing her well for the future.

 

That sparked an argument. Things were said that couldn't be unsaid on both our parts. I got home after the holiday and by now had found a new date myself. She was really nice.

 

Six weeks passed and me and my new date were more friends than lovers although I told her about what had happened and she was happy to be around me.

 

We were now at the end of September 2018. One Saturday night while in bed my phone pinged. "If only things were different". I did reply briefly and said that I still loved her very much.

 

Nothing more for two weeks. Then one night a message came that her mother had died, this message came 15 minutes after she had passed away. I ignored it for several hours and commented eventually that I'd been out with friends that evening but was devastated for her loss.

 

I asked if she would like me to provide support at the funeral and was initially told no, that wouldn't be necessary then only the next day she changed her mind and asked me to attend. I did without hesitation. I wanted to pay my respects to her mother. I also wanted to see her. We met the night prior to the funeral for coffee at her house. I'd lost 22 lbs, been working out, and arrived wearing a whole new wardrobe. She opened the door and was elated to see me, throwing her arms around me, telling me how good I looked and was I here to show her what she was missing? Kissing followed. We then had a coffee and talked frankly. I said I'd missed her terribly and that I'd briefly dated someone else but that she didn't compare. I was told the same, she had dated briefly two others but equally they too also didn't compare.

 

We talked about the relationship. Could we make it right again? "But we only have the physical" was her comment. I replied "so why did you ask me to marry you last year" if you have no feelings for me?"

 

She confessed she did and we left it there. Lots of laughs, touching.

 

I left for the night and attended the funeral the next day. It went as well as these things go. Afterwards she was insistent. I must go to the wake. She paraded me around to her family and friends commenting constantly on how good I looked. We returned to her sisters after the wake and I sensed she didn't want me to leave. Afterward we went to her mothers house and that became very physical.

 

I left as I had to get home. We agreed she would call at my house to talk about us.

 

She did just that. We talked frankly again. I said that we'd tried everything. Me living at hers, her living at mine part time, so if this was to work she would have to live here with us and face her demons. "How could you ever trust me again she said?" I replied let's put it behind us and move on together.

 

I also said to her "that If you loved me enough then you'd do what it takes". She agreed and repeated the words herself. I told her that I'd like to marry her as I knew she was the "one". Once more she agreed. I mentioned too that there was no likelihood of the kids mother coming out of rehab anytime soon and as the children were still young it was unlikely that we'd get much time alone.

 

She put her house up for rent and moved in with me and the kids in October. For four months it went well, she moved in and helped out with everything. Then we had a holiday to Spain coming up which was a surprise Christmas present for us both arranged by her. This was scheduled for early March. I noticed prior to this point that she had started to stay out, go to her sisters more and more. Her sister was going through her own breakup after 35 years of marriage. Her husband had left and run off with a younger woman. She was on her own. This absence was explained to me as needing "a break for a few days and to help her sister" but "all is okay once she gets back, she just needs a break from the children".

 

We had the holiday. 4 nights in Spain it was incredible. We went for long walks, held hands, talked about the future, played cards on the balcony in our room, but we never got physical. She had mentioned it at the start but I didn't seem interested somehow. This wasn't consciously either, it just didn't occur to me somehow.

 

We got back home and everything changed. She started going straight upstairs after work and refused to come down stairs after work until the children had gone to bed.

 

Then a text came through from the childrens mother. This text was very derogatory toward her and she asked to see it. Initially I refused but relented after a couple of days. She flew off in a rage upstairs and I attempted to console her. She wouldn't listen and then went to her sisters for two nights. We chatted briefly on text but not much. Then the text came "we need to talk".

 

I knew what that meant. On the evening of Thursday 21 March she arrived and proceeded upstairs until the children went to bed. She came downstairs and sat with me. Then said, "I'm moving out" and theres something else. "I want to to travel to Australia, New Zealand and Canada".

 

I've been thinking this over for a while she confessed. And the letter from your ex was the "icing on the cake".

 

I simply replied "so when are you going?" She said "I thought you would be very angry and argue with me?"

 

I replied no, and that if that's how she felt then she should leave. She stayed that night, but it was cold and I had to go downstairs to sleep on the sofa. I think I got an hour or so of sleep. In the morning we hugged upstairs and talked. She said using her hands "we're here and we need to be there" she also commented "do you think in a years time...." at which point I stopped her and simply said "look, you need to do what you need to do" then she added this "if you only had your daughter and not your sons" I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. After that she packed her belongings and left over the next few hours. She came back the following week for the remainder of her things, organised a van and there was an exchange of touching whilst I helped and afterwards she phoned to say thankyou for helping gather everything and that she missed me. I stated that I missed her too and we hung up.

 

A few days later I got a text asking if I would I like to buy a few other items she had left, including a new TV, hoover, towel box and bathroom cabinet?

 

I agreed and transferred the money. Approximately 1 week later another text arrived in the morning. "I'd like to negate on the TV" it said. I replied "I'm sorry, I've already transferred you the money". Things turned nasty instantly. She sent text after text, and phoned several times which I ignored. I also noticed that she hadn't transferred her March rent contribution too so I simply answered one of her calls and reminded her of this minor oversight. But she just said "I've just taken you on holiday to Spain"

 

she was forgetting that was supposedly her Christmas present. The angry texts continued and she demanded return of the TV for a refund. I rejected this and then she threatened me with the police when she remembered even more items including gifts she had given me at the house long before that now she wanted returned.

 

She also told me to look at whattsapp. I did. She sent me pictures taken off my phone of a conversation that had occurred while we had split in July in which I had shared some nice photos of the girl that I had briefly seen while we were not together. She said "now you can go back out with her on a date" and also that "dont worry if you struggle because you can't go anywhere anyway" there was lots more nasty things she said which to be honest I'd be embarrassed to repeat here, but lots of derogatory expletives directed at me. Clearly the moment she'd come back to the house she had been going through my phone again!

 

I told her that her things would all be on the driveway that evening. Indeed she collected her remaining things including earlier gifts at 6pm. I offered to help but she flately refused.

 

She then left without returning my key. I sent a message saying "don't bother returning the key, the locksmith will change the barrel in the morning". Yes I know it's getting quite fraught by this stage but carry on.....

 

She left messages on my phone that this wasn't necessary (the lock change) but I had it done anyway. Two days later she posted the key through the front door with a note which simply said "thanks for making me feel like a common thief".

 

I found out when she dropped the key off she had bumped into my neighbour and had a ten minute chat. She had talked about our holiday together in Spain, how much she loved it, how we had walked romantically together for miles. She also confessed that she originally thought she could manage living at the house with my kids but in the end it had proved too much, she couldn't live with my children. She also commented that she thought we had now burned all our bridges and also said that she regretted saying some very hurtful things to me in texts and then left.

 

Then on checking her Facebook page on 1st April she had made a public post declaring that she was now in a new relationship this obviously aimed squarely at me!

 

Solid NC followed for us both until my birthday 3 weeks into April.

 

Then I received "Happy birthday (my name) x"

I replied "thanks (her name) x"

 

Then on 30 April another text arrived "sorry for the letters which are still coming to yours (redirected post from her now rented house) but I have contacted the companies concerned and it should stop x"

 

Again I replied "thanks (her name) x"

 

She then instantly responded "Am I able to ask how you are? x"

 

Like a fool I replied:

 

"Hi (her name) I don't know what to say to you but I'm doing ok. Thanks for asking it's appreciated. I'm just trying to be a better role model and dad to my children, throwing myself into work and cracking on with my fitness goals. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about you too and please could you do me a massive favour and pass my warmest regards to your sisters and son as I think of you all often and that would be appreciated."

 

She simply replied "awwww I will do sweets x"

 

That was the last message I sent.

 

On the 24 May this arrived having now been in NC for over 3 weeks...

 

"Hi sweets, thinking of you and just wanted to see how you are doing? x"

 

I didn't reply. I haven't replied since and deleted the message. It's now nearly 2 solid months of NC for me and 3 weeks since her last text.

 

I think she just wanted or was curious to see how her leaving has affected me, was I broken up, was I hurting desperately?

 

Of course I am, her leaving absolutely crushed and devastated me - again! Theres not a day goes by when I haven't stopped thinking of her constantly.

 

However, I'm fairly convinced, although I have no proof in support that she has returned to her husband. I've been unfriended on Facebook along with all mutual friends. Her former husband took her on holidays, cruises, weekends away and lavished new cars and gifts on her. Before this last breakup she had been making a concerted effort to visit her ex husband's mother since she was such a "good friend." but doubtless to butter her up.

 

It's clear to me now that all the dust has settled that the life she desires is the kind of materialistic life experienced with her former husband. She certainly didn't want to live a family life with me and with children that did not belong to her. Yes she had said that previously too. Not sure where her former husband is up to but he had been in two further relationships since their divorce. I knew he was heartbroken at his divorce, but I'd gamble that she'll be able to weasel her way back into his affections.

 

Funny but I know I'll never hear from her again, if I do it will be a long way into the future. If I'm right then reconcillling with her husband wont work as old habits will return once the newness wears out.

 

Having reflected, I genuinely tried very hard numerous times over the 5 years to keep her happy but my need to step back into a full-time parent role made that impossible going forward albeit to her standard.

 

I could sit here saying I'm shattered thinking about the future we had talked about so many times together, the 5 holidays, countless weekends out and other trips away, plus how we had promised each other that we would live a good and happy life together, and whilst I am very hurt, and will hurt for some time, I have to accept this wasn't meant to be.

 

The truth is, that it was all an illusion. She was more focused on what I could bring to this relationship than who I was. I was one of many in reality. I think, again it's just my opinion, that before she left she had already lined my replacement up regardless of the 1st April bluff.

 

I often wonder if she will reach out once my children are older and whether she envisions that I would be in a more "suitable" situation at such point?

 

I haven't talked much about her behaviour but my phone constantly belonged to her. She was very adept at control and achieved this through her sexuality. I know I've spent the past 5 years with a woman who sits somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum that's a definite. I know too that whoever's shes with now will be a repeat of exactly what happened to me.

 

If you have stuck this out to here then thank you. I know it's been intense and I am very grateful for any comments in terms of what you think might happen in the future?

 

Do you think she will try and reach out again after I ignored her last message? I don't plan on replying if she does and my overwhelming thoughts are that I'm much better out of this than still in it.

 

For all of those struggling please keep going. You will find yourselves again and get over those that have caused you a lot of pain.

Edited June 14, 2019 by Hopeful4Ever

[d0nnivain]

I can't believe you would subject your children to any of this.

 

If your wife was blind drunk on a daily basis you are a lousy father for moving out & leaving them with somebody who was unfit to care for them. I'm glad your EX-W got help.

 

But then to allow this selfish self centered GF to turn your children's house into some kind of battle ground. Please tell me you are getting them some help. Do you have any idea what those kids must think about the idea that the woman who replaced their mother hated them so much. That is a lousy thing to put on kids.

 

If you love your children, you will never engage with this woman again ever.

[Hopeful4Ever]

I can't believe you would subject your children to any of this.

 

If your wife was blind drunk on a daily basis you are a lousy father for moving out & leaving them with somebody who was unfit to care for them. I'm glad your EX-W got help.

 

But then to allow this selfish self centered GF to turn your children's house into some kind of battle ground. Please tell me you are getting them some help. Do you have any idea what those kids must think about the idea that the woman who replaced their mother hated them so much. That is a lousy thing to put on kids.

 

If you love your children, you will never engage with this woman again ever.

 

I agree entirely with you. I can't begin to explain how foolish and inconsiderate I've been toward my children. This is the regret that I will carry for the rest of my life, although please know I never stopped loving or seeing them from the moment I left. I made sure that I could do everything possible to ensure that they were ok. With respect to helping the children they have me mostly full time and their mother is now making really positive progress and has now completed her rehab treatment to the extent that she also now spends some time with them. Things are much better.

 

I will never speak with her again under any circumstances. This has been a lesson hard learned that will haunt me well into the future.

Edited June 14, 2019 by Hopeful4Ever

[Redhead14]

"Good While It Lasted"???? Nothing about what you wrote indicated anything good in that relationship. If you thought it was good, you were deluding yourself. You owe your children a huge apology. I'm sorry to pile on your pain, but geez man, as much as both exes were selfish people (although the ex-wife seemed to have gotten a grip), what you did was selfish also. You wanted a woman so badly that you compromised your children's happiness and foundation for growing up. With the example of your ex-wife and what went on in the household with the girlfriend, it will be a wonder if they understand what a healthy family/relationship should look like.

 

You can't undo the past, but you sure as heck can get focused on you and your children and a new future for you all right now. Don't waste anymore time by pining away for this woman or feeling depressed, what have you. Suck it up and start making amends to your children this minute. If you are mired in grief over this woman and robbing your children of even one more minute of the full attention of their father, you're allowing that woman to continue to affect you and your children. She doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you.

[Hopeful4Ever]

"Good While It Lasted"???? Nothing about what you wrote indicated anything good in that relationship. If you thought it was good, you were deluding yourself. You owe your children a huge apology. I'm sorry to pile on your pain, but geez man, as much as both exes were selfish people (although the ex-wife seemed to have gotten a grip), what you did was selfish also. You wanted a woman so badly that you compromised your children's happiness and foundation for growing up. With the example of your ex-wife and what went on in the household with the girlfriend, it will be a wonder if they understand what a healthy family/relationship should look like.

 

You can't undo the past, but you sure as heck can get focused on you and your children and a new future for you all right now. Don't waste anymore time by pining away for this woman or feeling depressed, what have you. Suck it up and start making amends to your children this minute. If you are mired in grief over this woman and robbing your children of even one more minute of the full attention of their father, you're allowing that woman to continue to affect you and your children. She doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you.

 

Thankyou for this. I genuinely cannot beat myself up anymore than I already have. Having lived with this I can say without any doubt that it has destroyed me totally over what happened with my kids and what I have put myself through and my kids mother. If nothing else, being able to share this here and get yours and other readers 'reality checks' is exactly what I desperately needed to hear. I wish I could change the past because I would in a heartbeat. I will strive each day to improve our future and try to put this sorry episode in our lives behind us all. Thankyou again for your comments which are so very much appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

You fixed it. You got away from her. Stop beating yourself up.

 

Be a good dad now & go from there.