Lotsgoingon Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) I last spoke with her on Tuesday night. I don't want to text her during the day on Friday because she's a doctor and I don't want to pester her, which means Friday night. That's 3 full days of no contact. This is my dilemma. Ok here is a big mistake. Did she tell you NOT to text her during the day? If she didn't and you want to text her during he day, do so. Doctors have breaks just like everyone else. They can text like anyone else. They text their kids, their spouses, partners ... on and on ... You're losing confidence when you do that "I don't want to bother her" without her having told you this. You're hiding when you do that ... you're stepping tentatively around her ... So what if she is busy? She texts you back when she has her moment! You're a vocalist ... imagine you're having dinner with her and there's music on the background and she says, "I like this song, but I don't know music like you do, so I'm not going to say this is a good song because I know you really know music." You would think she's nuts. No need to anticipate her schedule. Get to know her and you'll learn. In the meantime, treat her like anyone else. Doctors are no more busy than lawyers, teachers (me), the sanitation workers who pick up trash cans on my street, the diner cooks, over-worked social workers, window cleaners or anybody else. Step up brother. I don't even buy the whole alpha-beta man thing ... but you're acting awfully tentative. Nobody likes someone who avoids communicating with us ... because of some wild-behind guess that the communication might be inconvenient. She's likely to conclude you have lost interest, that your interest comes and goes ... and if she learns the real reason ... she might conclude that you're just scared of your shadow, that you have he courage to show you're interested. She can't reply immediately, she'll tell you. Edited June 14, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
Gretchen12 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 My only concern is leaving her hanging for 3 days. I last spoke with her on Tuesday night. I don't want to text her during the day on Friday because she's a doctor and I don't want to pester her, which means Friday night. That's 3 full days of no contact. This is my dilemma. If you have something funny or interesting to say, by all means say it! I see no reason to deliberately disappear. That smells like playing games, afraid to show interest, trying to make her anxious. I gather you are both too old for that. Afraid you're pestering her? But that's the beauty of texting. She need not reply until she has time to do so. You'll only be pestering her if you send a follow up text asking why she hasn't replied. Haha.
Author Johnson1 Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 Ok here is a big mistake. Did she tell you NOT to text her during the day? If she didn't and you want to text her during he day, do so. Doctors have breaks just like everyone else. They can text like anyone else. They text their kids, their spouses, partners ... on and on ... You're losing confidence when you do that "I don't want to bother her" without her having told you this. You're hiding when you do that ... you're stepping tentatively around her ... So what if she is busy? She texts you back when she has her moment! You're a vocalist ... imagine you're having dinner with her and there's music on the background and she says, "I like this song, but I don't know music like you do, so I'm not going to say this is a good song because I know you really know music." You would think she's nuts. No need to anticipate her schedule. Get to know her and you'll learn. In the meantime, treat her like anyone else. Doctors are no more busy than lawyers, teachers (me), the sanitation workers who pick up trash cans on my street, the diner cooks, over-worked social workers, window cleaners or anybody else. Step up brother. I don't even buy the whole alpha-beta man thing ... but you're acting awfully tentative. Nobody likes someone who avoids communicating with us ... because of some wild-behind guess that the communication might be inconvenient. She's likely to conclude you have lost interest, that your interest comes and goes ... and if she learns the real reason ... she might conclude that you're just scared of your shadow, that you have he courage to show you're interested. She can't reply immediately, she'll tell you. It's better not to come up with all these scenarios that you mentioned. Some conclusions are going way out on a limb. Until I get with her and get to know her better, I don't want to assume things. I know when I'm at work and I get a call I don't like it because most of the time I'm right in the middle of working. She could be in an important business meeting or with clients or patients. I don't want to be blowing up her phone. That would be crazy. It isn't about being tentative, it's about being respectful and smart. Once I meet with her I'll get to know her communication frequency better.
Author Johnson1 Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) ******UPDATE****** After much consideration I decided to go ahead and text her last night. I'm glad I did. We had another great conversation. SHE was the one who asked ME if we were still on for Saturday, which of course I said yes. So all is well and dinner plans are set. I'm going to meet her in front of the restaurant. I want to thank each one of you for your input and time, especially ones that told me to wait. I agree with you all that it made perfect logical sense to do so, but fortunately as fate would have it, I took the risk and found it wasn't necessary. I can honestly say in the last 6 years with all whom I've dated and been in relationships with, from what I can ascertain thus far this lady is a shining Pearl amongst all the others. She's tall, she's beautiful, she's a doctor, she's down to earth and best of all she's not a barfly and she's very interested. I couldn't ask for more. Hopefully when I meet with her and we talk things will get even better from there. Thanks again!! Edited June 14, 2019 by Vocals5 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 She could be in an important business meeting or with clients or patients. One, people have figured this out about texting ... X doesn't reply, she must be busy ... X sees text while busy, she holds off replying ... or X doesn't read texts if super busy. No strain to GET a text. Two, if you are going to date this person, YOU become an important meeting, as important as all others. Great job to contact her last night.
surferchic Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 If she contacts you before the date respond in kind, but do not initiate. Not totally bad advice but if both genders are telling each other to NOT initiate this and not to initiate that, then how do things move/progress at all? Come on guys... what’s really going on with all this game playing. Female here just FYI 2
Author Johnson1 Posted June 16, 2019 Author Posted June 16, 2019 (edited) For those interested in knowing, the date went beautifully with only a minor glitch. She told me she was also married a long time (27 years), but when I spoke with her today she said his family found her at fault for the divorce. I didn't ask why. I told her I enjoyed being married and she liked hearing that. She said I was the first one who's said that to her. I told her my 31-year marriage ended because we just grew apart and there was no intimacy left. She's been through her share of disappointments with dating sites and told me a lot about what she went through and I told her the same, but that I never went on dating sites. I mentioned two her that I was concerned about texting before our date, and she said to never worry about that and to text and call her whenever I like. Both of us stayed after the restaurant closed and walked around the picnic/beach area and talked. We were the only ones left when we said goodnight to each other and went our separate way. We texted each other when we got home. She seems to be just as interested in me as I am in her. She says she's very picky and I told her I'm the same way. She texted me Happy Father's Day first thing this morning and I called her around noon and we spoke for an hour, then she just texted me a few minutes ago to wish me a good night and said she thought I was cute. I told her I thought the same. She really seems to be a good person. My only concern of the evening was one thing. She spoke highly of an ex that she dated for 5 years after her divorce and told me how much fun she had with him and that he had a good job, but that she broke it off because she came to realize he had Asperger's Syndrome. I'm not concerned in the least about her getting back together with him, only that she would date someone for 5 years that she thought so highly of and broke it off because of that. She told me she's not perfect, but I'm not sure how to take that comment. Saying that can mean one of two things. A) she's concerned about me accepting her faults (whatever they may be) because she likes me so much. Or B) She knows she could be superficial as far as finding faults in people. I didn't ask her if that was the only reason why she broke it off with him, since she told me she had so much fun with him. Maybe I should have. I've ruined things in the past by questioning too much. That's my overriding fault. Edited June 17, 2019 by Vocals5
Inspire Posted June 17, 2019 Posted June 17, 2019 Don't over analyze and don't harp on her past. Look to the future and focus on the things that connect you. A first date isn't about airing your dirty laundry. At this point it doesn't matter why she broke it off. In time you will learn more and you'll have greater context.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 17, 2019 Posted June 17, 2019 (edited) Just make a mental note of the guy she dating for five years ... and there will be a time to ask about that in greater depth. Not now ... but later ... Asperger's can be tricky ... so I can see her logic there. I have a very close friend ... and I always had this frustration with him ... some things just didn't click ... but he was very smart school-wise and sorta strategic about his career. He gets married. His wife flips out because she senses something is off about his reactions. She googles and reads ... and bingo, my buddy later gets a diagnosis (maybe mild) of asperger's. I had known this guy 30 years and he's been a good friend. And yet ... I knew something was off ... I say this not because I know what happened between this woman and the guy ... but rather to say ... high-functioning Asperger's people can be tricky to figure out and to read. It took maybe ten years for me to figure out something was off about my friend ... there were just social cues he couldn't read ... he couldn't condense his thoughts ... So just put a bookmark there and come back to it later ... Likely that guy had some great qualities and she was trying to work it out ... but just realized, she couldn't with this particular guy. Oh ... and yes, bookmark also that comment that she is not perfect. None of us are ... of course. So what the heck could she mean? Definitely listen for her to return to that theme and subject and pay attention. Anything strange like that, I say bookmark--no need to worry about immediately. If it's a real problem, it will come up again--and again! Any tender moments? ... Touching? Edited June 17, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
Inspire Posted June 17, 2019 Posted June 17, 2019 Oh ... and yes, bookmark also that comment that she is not perfect. None of us are ... of course. So what the heck could she mean? It is actually quite common for some to use "I know I am not perfect" as a preamble before talking about someone else's faults.
Author Johnson1 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Posted June 17, 2019 (edited) Just make a mental note of the guy she dating for five years ... and there will be a time to ask about that in greater depth. Not now ... but later ... Asperger's can be tricky ... so I can see her logic there. I have a very close friend ... and I always had this frustration with him ... some things just didn't click ... but he was very smart school-wise and sorta strategic about his career. He gets married. His wife flips out because she senses something is off about his reactions. She googles and reads ... and bingo, my buddy later gets a diagnosis (maybe mild) of asperger's. I had known this guy 30 years and he's been a good friend. And yet ... I knew something was off ... I say this not because I know what happened between this woman and the guy ... but rather to say ... high-functioning Asperger's people can be tricky to figure out and to read. It took maybe ten years for me to figure out something was off about my friend ... there were just social cues he couldn't read ... he couldn't condense his thoughts ... So just put a bookmark there and come back to it later ... Likely that guy had some great qualities and she was trying to work it out ... but just realized, she couldn't with this particular guy. Oh ... and yes, bookmark also that comment that she is not perfect. None of us are ... of course. So what the heck could she mean? Definitely listen for her to return to that theme and subject and pay attention. Anything strange like that, I say bookmark--no need to worry about immediately. If it's a real problem, it will come up again--and again! Any tender moments? ... Touching? Yes, a few times. Looking into the eyes kissing, holding hands, etc. We also danced a lot (HOT). She's seems to be smitten. She keeps saying how cute I am. lol. At the end of the night when we were about to get in our cars she looked up at the sky and said Thank God! finally a nice guy! She also gave me her last name and her address. She was cautious about that at first as women should these days sometimes are and I told her I understood. It was nice that she came around to giving me that info and felt that comfortable with me. You're right about the Asperger's. I just thought that if she had so much fun with him that it could be something that could be overlooked. There are couples where one ends up in a wheelchair and they stay and take care of them. My only concern is her patience and tolerance level and how easily she may find reasons to get out of a relationship, but I don't have any experience with this disease, so it's okay. I won't be concerned about it for now. Things are going great so far. I'm happy and so is she. Edited June 17, 2019 by Vocals5 1
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2019 Posted June 17, 2019 Everybody has a past. She told you appropriate snippets of hers. She was acknowledging that she's loved before but not blaming the other person or pining for him. It think it's fine. Do text about 25% less then you think is good, just to keep a bit of mystery alive. Set up the next date sooner rather than later & have fun.
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