Doesn't Offer to Split Check

[salparadise]

A refreshing little story... This morning I went to breakfast at a restaurant with my daughter and her boyfriend of several months. This was the first time meeting the bf. They had been to a wedding and were headed back east right after breakfast. She finished school a year ago and is now in her first career job. I have always paid anytime we ate out because a) she's my child, and b) she lived on a shoestringl all through school. It was always by mutual understanding.

 

So today when the check came I reached for it but she grabbed it first, smiled and said, "nope, now it's my turn –– happy father's day!" I was so proud of her; an emotional moment for us both (also gave me a card and gift). She's her own person now, and I'm so proud of her. We both understood. Words don't do it justice.

[Els]

Speak for yourself- it would take more than 2 hours here in the Uk to earn £50 on the average wage. Wages are in decline while living costs are on the rise. A round of alcoholic drinks for two will set you back £10.00 at least so footing the bill on the first date is not an inconsiderable expense.

 

 

And the perfect gel manicure that you noticed on that woman would have cost her $20 at the salon...

 

 

I am sure that you can get a good meal for much less than $50 pp in the UK, because I've been there and done that. The number I quoted was an example, obviously it varies depending on purchasing power parity in various locations.

 

 

 

 

The whole thing seems to be the wrong way round for me anyway. My take on it is a first date should be an equal opportunity enterprise- who really wants to pay for someone who may reject them at the end of it? Far better to pay when the woman has earned the right to further investment.

 

 

You are certainly within your rights to see it that way. Equally so, a woman would be well within her rights to show up without spending more than 10 minutes on her appearance, because she didn't see any point in investing all that time and money on a man who "hasn't yet earned the right to further investment". You'll just have to accept, like her, that some people might not feel attracted in that case - which again, is not necessarily a bad thing.

 

 

As I said, I think good relationships are based on people who appreciate everything their partner does, but doesn't expect it - whether that be time or money.

[alphamale]

A refreshing little story... This morning I went to breakfast at a restaurant with my daughter and her boyfriend of several months. This was the first time meeting the bf. They had been to a wedding and were headed back east right after breakfast. She finished school a year ago and is now in her first career job. I have always paid anytime we ate out because a) she's my child, and b) she lived on a shoestringl all through school. It was always by mutual understanding.

 

So today when the check came I reached for it but she grabbed it first, smiled and said, "nope, now it's my turn –– happy father's day!" I was so proud of her; an emotional moment for us both (also gave me a card and gift). She's her own person now, and I'm so proud of her. We both understood. Words don't do it justice.

 

ahhhh…..so the "baton" has been passed to the next generation

[Veronica73]

This thread (and those like them) are cracking me up.

 

Most women probably bring money/credit cards with them on dates. So guys, if you want to go Dutch, just say so. Nobody is forcing you to pay. But don’t pay and then whine about how expensive and unfair dating is towards men. Both men and women can have whatever preferences they want when it comes to a romantic partner. This isn’t an equal opportunity employment situation. Good grief.

[Veronica73]

And why should any woman who is dating you care about what it costs you to go on 30 first dates?!

 

Maybe be more selective?

 

Queue the world’s smallest violin.

Edited June 16, 2019 by Veronica73

[smackie9]

Coffee date, everyone pays for their own. Whomever asks the person out for dinner or lunch,etc, should pay IMO. I had asked guys out and I paid, even if I wasn't interested in seeing them again. I think it's just common courtesy. I guess I live in a different world.

[Veronica73]

Everybody’s individual preferences are fine. It’s dating.

 

I had kind of a messed up childhood, but one thing that I think has been extremely valuable...is the concept “Life isn’t fair”.

 

(Edit) I have always offered to pay. But if they take me up on my offer...instant lady-boner-killer. And that’s probably a good thing. We just aren’t compatible and that’s fine. Judging by this thread, he would be perfectly able to find other women who think differently and would be more than happy to go Dutch, and those two would be more compatible.

Edited June 17, 2019 by Veronica73

[JEG88]

If you're the one who invited the other person out for a first date/meet-up, you should pay.

 

If it's a few dates into seeing someone, I think that's where splitting the check is more expected. Since both people are at least somewhat interested and making an effort to carve the time to see each other.

[Veronica73]

If you're the one who invited the other person out for a first date/meet-up, you should pay.

 

If it's a few dates into seeing someone, I think that's where splitting the check is more expected. Since both people are at least somewhat interested and making an effort to carve the time to see each other.

 

So...I think everybody has different expectations. Splitting the check is the most unromantic, business-like way to pay the bill. The only time I EVER split the bill is with work colleagues. Or if the other person insists. Which is...not a good feeling. Ever. Otherwise, it’s a take-turns kind of thing. With the understanding that it will all even out in the end. Because we all care about each other.

 

I’m not kidding. Going out with work colleagues is the absolute only time I ever split the bill with anyone voluntarily. Doing that on a “date” would automatically make it seem like a business lunch.

 

And I’m including family and friends. We never split bills. We take turns.

[JEG88]

So...I think everybody has different expectations.

Pretty much this. Before I got with my GF and was still dating, I would always offer to handle the bill and would see what the woman's reaction was.

 

Just up to how you read the situation, whether you think the person is doing it for show, truly offering to split "as equals" per se, etc.

 

Technology like Venmo only makes it easier to split or cover your portion.

[Veronica73]

Even the “cover your portion” wording comes across as...amazingly unattractive on a date. One would hope you would ask someone out because you want to get to know them and have a fun experience. Not because anyone is out to get a free coffee.

 

Edit: I mean, seriously. Could you be any less romantic? I can’t even imagine being on a date and screwing a guy afterwards if he split the bill with me. It would never happen. I’m fine with taking turns. But splitting the check, lol. I can’t even. There would never be another date. And I guess that just goes to show it takes all kinds and there is somebody for everybody. And you shouldn’t try to be all “well this is what’s fair! Poor me!”

Edited June 17, 2019 by Veronica73

[Art_Critic]

Could you be any less romantic? I can’t even imagine being on a date and screwing a guy afterwards if he split the bill with me. It would never happen.

 

This is probably the hardest thing for some people who check split with first/first few dates to get..

 

Your words should sink in for those looking to go home alone....

[Shining One]

I can’t even imagine being on a date and screwing a guy afterwards if he split the bill with me. It would never happen.

I'd bet this thread and others like it would look very different if women always screwed a guy after he bought her dinner.

[Veronica73]

I'd bet this thread and others like it would look very different if women always screwed a guy after he bought her dinner.

 

And your point is...?

[HiCrunchy]

If I insist on paying on a first date (which is usually something cheap like ice cream, coffee or a drink), I 100% do not plan on seeing this dude again. I don't want him to feel like I owe him anything.

 

Either way, I always offer to pay for myself, but if he insists on covering the coffee or whatever, then I feel like he really wants to invest in me or is putting in a bit of effort. But I always offer to pay for myself because I don't want the dude into feeling like he has to pay even if he doesn't like me or something, like a way out I guess.

 

Not offering to pay $2 coffee or $5 drink is such a huge turn off for me. Other women are different I guess.

Edited June 17, 2019 by HiCrunchy

[Shining One]

And your point is...?

Paying is no guarantee of positive results.

[Veronica73]

Paying is no guarantee of positive results.

 

Gotcha. I was slow!

[alphamale]

in my five or six serious relationships I have footed the bill 80% or so and she would cover approx 20%. I just like paying because it gives me a sense of power and control. Most women haven't had any problem with my policy.

 

Now when you get into my casual relationships expenses were split 50/50 mainly.

 

I have the money so I don't mind paying most of the time. Call me old fashioned I guess.

[Art_Critic]

Paying is no guarantee of positive results.

 

 

Of course.. but not being chivalrous is an almost guarantee to go home alone....

[Shining One]

We've drifted a bit off topic a bit, but here are my thoughts on the original post. The polite thing to do is to offer.

 

I frequently go out to lunch, dinner, or drinks with vendors for work. They always pay. I know they get to expense it. Every time the bill comes, I offer to contribute. It's the same in other situations.

 

I met a woman at a bar and we both had tabs open. When the night ended, she closed out both our tabs without me knowing. I offered to contribute, but she declined. I took her out on a date and I paid. She offered to contribute, despite the fact I owed her from our first meeting.

 

I fully expect to pay for at least the first date and usually a couple others after that. However, my opinion of a woman drops (relationship potential > sex-only potential) if she doesn't even look at her purse over the course of several dates.

[JEG88]

And I guess that just goes to show it takes all kinds and there is somebody for everybody.

 

 

Seems to be some misunderstanding. I didn't suddenly break out a calculator to ask for the woman's half. If there was no courtesy to even offer to contribute after a few dates - let alone take turns footing the bill - it's a huge turnoff and in my experience was almost a surefire sign of high maintenance and entitlement as the relationship went on.

[Veronica73]

Seems to be some misunderstanding. I didn't suddenly break out a calculator to ask for the woman's half. If there was no courtesy to even offer to contribute after a few dates - let alone take turns footing the bill - it's a huge turnoff and in my experience was almost a surefire sign of high maintenance and entitlement as the relationship went on.

 

I don’t think there’s a misunderstanding. There seems to be a few women here who don’t even offer to pay, or take turns or reciprocate financially. (I’m not one of them, and they seem to be in the minority on this forum) That’s a huge turnoff to you, and that’s great. All I’m saying is that this is dating. People can have their weird preferences and whatever. It’s not an equal opportunity situation.

 

Don’t whine about how unfair it is that dating is expensive, while you keep shelling out money. That is entirely your own choice. You don’t have to do it. (And I’m not saying “you” personally. It’s a generic “you”.)

[chillii]

hhmm. strange phenomenon, well to me anyway. Never really dated not before l was married or since. Well nothing l would actually call a date as such anyway l've always just had this bizarre knack of just tripping over or bumping into that very rare girl somehow or other and l dunno, no dating, or say back when, parties or whatever.

l did go on one official date l think, when l was 21 or so, took a Greek chick out to indian, l threw up , hope l didn't pay for that can't remember

During my really brief date site career l did go to meet this chinese chick that was kinda official, but she wanted to cook me chinese at home so again no real date as such really, it was delicious too.

 

Hold on, my gf's place is 12hours away and l payed for her first flight down, she stayed 6wks the first trip there ya go , as close as l can get to paying for a date.

But eh , l think if l did go on a date l'd like to pay for it , just as long as she didn't think that l expected her to sleep with me just because l payed for a meal or something.

l'd hate her to think that.

Edited June 17, 2019 by chillii

[some_username1]

Pretty much this. Before I got with my GF and was still dating, I would always offer to handle the bill and would see what the woman's reaction was.

 

Just up to how you read the situation, whether you think the person is doing it for show, truly offering to split "as equals" per se, etc.

 

Technology like Venmo only makes it easier to split or cover your portion.

 

If you go for drinks then that’s really not how it works. I’ll finish my drink wait for her to finish hers and see what her reaction is. If she readily offers to get another round in there will be a second date and I’ll consider taking her for dinner, if she sits on her hands and we end up sitting there with no drinks in front of us because the bar staff have taken the empties away then I’ll buy more drinks but she will be written off as a dating prospect.

 

Thankfully I can think of only two women where it was the latter scenario and both of those I wasn’t attracted to regardless of costs anyway.

[Els]

I don’t think there’s a misunderstanding. There seems to be a few women here who don’t even offer to pay...(I’m not one of them, and they seem to be in the minority on this forum)

 

 

Exactly. I think a couple of the dudes here are catastrophizing or generalizing way too much, lol. There is hardly a "men vs women" split in this thread. There are literally TWO women who say they will not offer, out of 10+ of us posting on this thread...

 

 

 

People see what they want to see, I guess.