Why is my ex keeping me in limbo when transitioning into friendship?

[KBS]

This is a very unique case… we broke up after 3+ years of long distance due to circumstances that are out of our control (we couldn’t close the distance gap). We still loved each other during and after the end of our relationship. It was hard but I accepted reality and proposed that we should stay friends because we were best friends also.

 

She says she can’t do that right now and maybe in the future, I respected it and gave her space.It’s been almost a year and still hoping she’d still want to be friends, I really value her as a person. I reach out every couple of months to say hi, but we always end the convo with her uncertainties about friendship and asking for more time. “Maybe, I may, sometime, someday, in the future, etc.” Last time we spoke I built up the courage to say I need some sort of clarity or closure, because if she doesn’t want to there no point in holding on to hope.

 

Either set me free or reciprocate, I don’t want to be kept in this limbo any longer. Yet, she still gave me the same uncertain vague answer. I hear she started seeing someone soon after we broke up and she’s been cold and distant, but still doesn’t want to give me a clear answer. A friend told me she may be a narc: staying in control feeding off my attention and never giving me closure. It is making me miserable and I plan on burning the bridge and go no contact because I also need to move on and not keep holding on to this hope that seems endless.

 

As much as I would like to remain friends, it seems she is indifferent but yet still does not want to cut me loose. It seems I will need to end it and find my Own closure, it’s starting to become abusive. The more I pressure her to answer the question, the more she stone walls and gives the silent treatment. Any insight on this would be appreciated.

Edited June 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

Take the hint, she doesn't want to be friends, she is cold, distant and indifferent, yet you are still hanging on in there. Stop it.

Many women find telling men that it is all over difficult, as they do not want to be on the receiving end of an upset, annoyed and angry man, trying to persuade her to change her mind. Instead she fobs you off... she kicks the can down the road... she hopes you finally get the message...

She has a bf, she never contacts you, she says she can't be friends with you. Leave her alone.

If she truly wants to be friends at some point, SHE will contact you.

[KBS]

She initiated contact a few times and she responds when I contact her. I made it clear that I would accept any answer, and that it would be a kindness to give me one. Why is that so hard to do? It’s a consideration and a kindness if she tells me, “NO, stop contacting me.” What happened to courage, accountability, and doing the right thing? If she doesn’t want to then she can just say so and it’d be over. She’s not giving me closure, but I guess you’re right, I need to make my own.

 

I don’t want her back, and I am happy for her that she has a new guy. You make it sound like asking for clear closure is irrational.

[elaine567]

.... I guess you’re right, I need to make my own.

 

Exactly. The only person who is stringing you along is you.

Exes are exes and unless there is a clear indication on both sides to continue friendly contact then they are best left well alone.

[vla1120]

It seems I will need to end it and find my Own closure, it’s starting to become abusive.

 

You answered your own question right here. By giving you a vague answer, she is stringing you along. Maybe she's keeping you as a backup in case it doesn't work with this new guy? Either way, being friends does not look promising. For your own sanity, I would just end it. You don't even have to "officially" end it, just stop contacting her. If she contacts you, then you can tell her "I gave you the time and space you needed. Now I need my own time and space to get over this relationship."

[KBS]

Exactly. The only person who is stringing you along is you.

Exes are exes and unless there is a clear indication on both sides to continue friendly contact then they are best left well alone.

 

Is that the only part you gathered? You are right, it’s just gonna be that much more work and time. These mind games are cruel as hell.

[Orokotikki]

Asking for 'clear closure' more than ONCE is irrational.

After that, give yourself closure.

"I deserve better than this waste of my time. Do not contact me again."

[KBS]

"I gave you the time and space you needed. Now I need my own time and space to get over this relationship."

 

If she ever does contact me again, I just might do that. The way she handles this is so cowardly and cruel... if she is stringing me along for whatever twisted reason to serve her agenda, maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that this girl is out of my life. I deserve better than this, the sudden replacement and devaluation came as a shock to me when not too long before she got into a new relationship she wanted my babies and said “I love you” like x50 times a day.

 

“Let me be clear,

 

My love is unconditional, but your presence in my life is not.

 

The moment that you prove that your value of me does not measure up to my self-worth, I’ll have no problem unconditionally loving the memory of you and moving on.”

 

Just wanted to share that

[KBS]

"I deserve better than this waste of my time. Do not contact me again."

 

Thanks dude, I appreciate this.

[d0nnivain]

You will get closure when you act to get closure. It will never come from her.

 

She can't give you want you want. Stop beating your head against a brick wall. Do not reach out. If she contacts you then you can decide if you want to respond.

 

At this point she is just someone you used to know.

[KBS]

At this point she is just someone you used to know.

 

Damn, that’s heartless... I guess some people operate that way. I can still move on without forgetting or unloving an ex, depending on the circumstances. In time, she’ll be a distant memory... I’m pretty sure I’m already on the path of growth and healing.

 

I’m the type that stays single for a long time between serious relationships to spend more quality time with friends and family, self reflect, grow, and love myself again. This whole “get under someone to get over someone” culture ain’t for me.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't mean it to be heartless but it is the reality. She will Always be somebody who had once been important to you. I certainly don't harbor ill will toward my EXs but that doesn't mean I want them back or that we can have routine interactions in each other's lives any more.

[elaine567]

Just read your other thread, you dumped this girl and left her heartbroken.

She is not the cruel one here.

As you were told on your other thread.

Leave her alone.

[KBS]

Just read your other thread, you dumped this girl and left her heartbroken.

 

I disagree, but you’re entitled to your opinion. I initiated the break up because it was a long time coming due to circumstances; we talked about it months in advance. Somebody had to do it. At least I was courageous enough to give her closure romantically... when I suggested we stay friends she said “can’t right now, but maybe in the future.” So I thought it was authentic on her part, don’t blame me for taking her word for it. When I say something, I mean it with clarity... I’m amazed you think it’s justified that she’s trying to make me “get the hint” we’re not in in high school, we’re mature adults for goodness sake.

Edited June 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[KBS]

If she just said those things without her actually meaning it when she knows that I truly did want to be friends, then it is truly cruel and cowardly. But I don’t read minds, in the meantime i’ll make my own closure and move on.

[Blanco]

I'm not seeing anything cruel on her part. She was upfront that maybe she could be friends down the road, but none of us can predict how we'll feel six months, a year, or years from now.

 

It sounds like she's got enough awareness to know she can't genuinely be your friend. She probably would like for that to be different, but she's being honest with how she feels right now. There's no malice on her part.

[Orokotikki]

"Maybe in the future."

 

That is not a "Yes" nor is it an invitation.

 

You say you want her to 'reciprocate or cut you loose' but guess what? She hasn't reciprocated and the IS NO TIE BINDING you but whatever tie you made up from her "maybe", and from the sound of it she don't owe you anything.

[KBS]

I'm not seeing anything cruel on her part. She was upfront that maybe she could be friends down the road, but none of us can predict how we'll feel six months, a year, or years from now...

 

You’re right, she just might be very honest and isn’t sure right now. She said the same thing only a few days ago. I’m not basing this off of when she first said so; she’s sticking to her same answer that she gave me then.

Edited June 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[KBS]

....... IS NO TIE BINDING you but whatever tie you made up from her "maybe", and from the sound of it she don't owe you anything.

 

You’re right, I’m binding myself and I need to put an end to it. I was just hopeful, and I guess that was what bound me.

Edited June 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Post break up "let's be friends" means I do not harbor any ill will toward you & don't want any drama if we bump into each other. It does not mean I want continued interactions with you, in the true spirit of real friendship where you talk & interact. To the limited & unlikely extent that some on going interaction might be possible in the future, send her a snail mail holiday card in December but do nothing else other then respond if she reaches out.

 

Right now she's still too hurt to have any interaction with you.

[KBS]

Just read your other thread, you dumped this girl and left her heartbroken.

 

elaine567, thank you for being straight up with me... Ever since my last post, I calmed down, decided to set my ego aside, and did a lot of self reflection. I realized I’ve been harbouring GUILT, since breaking her heart, that I did not want to admit to or face. I didn’t realize that that was what was eating me up inside. I wanted us to be friends as a way to make amends, and I unconsciously depended on her to forgive me so I can feel better. Every time I approach her I’m met with a giant thick wall of ice, and it made me feel terrible inside. Now that I realize the deep motives of my actions, I can consciously take back that power for her hands and learn to forgive myself and to be compassionate. Instead of blaming and trying to logically make sense of things, I’ve realized that forgiveness and compassion is the only way forward. After coming to this realization, I am already feel that a huge load has been lifted from my shoulders. She may not be ready to forgive me, but I am ready to forgive myself and unshackle myself from the burden of guilt.

 

We are both decent human beings, and we once loved each other very much, but our journeys have now parted ways. We all deserve happiness regardless of the choices that we make, I have to accept the circumstances of the present.

 

I am letting it go so that I can grow.