earthprime Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 Good morning everyone. I appreciate any insight you can give, and I'll be as brief as possible. I've been dating a woman for nearly four years and its been the most rewarding/difficult experience of my life. I won't bore you with the details - instead I'll present an interaction I had yesterday with her. I'm honestly considering moving on. We spoke on the phone and I expressed that I wasn't comfortable with the uncommitted status of our relationship. She won't agree to commit in any regard beyond something like friends with benefits. I also had questions about a possible interaction she had with another man, and that I felt unsafe and very alone. Her hour-long response was that sometimes in life we never get the answers to questions we have, and we have to learn to be OK with it. Also that it wasn't her job to make me feel safe or affirm me. She also shot down my attempts to flirt with her (via txt earlier in the day) that the flirting was more about me than her. I feel like I'm dealing with a sociopath and need insight. Thank you.
FMW Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 Wow, why have you stuck with her for four years? That conversation would have been the last one I had with her if I were you. Maybe more detail would provide context that would change my opinion, but seriously, how has this lasted four years? 1
Author earthprime Posted June 12, 2019 Author Posted June 12, 2019 I love her very much and I believe she loves me too, hence why we've struggled through four years. About 2.5 years into the relationship I left her because I couldn't take being alone (while with her), and she's held it against me every since, holding me to a strict standard of 'being better' to win her back. Its super toxic and confusing. I guess bottom line ... is it ok or normal in a relationship if you ask difficult questions, and the other person takes a hard stand that you can't force another person to give information on your timetable?
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 You are in the 2nd chance phase of this. You already broke up once because 1.5 years ago you knew this wasn't working & your needs weren't getting met. She's still punishing you. What kind of a response is that? I can see her expecting you to prove yourself for a few weeks but more then a year. As much as you were supposed to prove that you aren't going to leave, isn't she supposed to prove to you that your needs will be met in this relationship too? What you have to recognize is this -- what you have right now, this undefined uncommitted thing where you love her & she torments you -- is all this will ever be. If you are OK with a lifetime of this, fine. Stick around. If you want more, acknowledge that she will never give you more. Then decide if you want more or if you want her. 1
elaine567 Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 She won't agree to commit in any regard beyond something like friends with benefits. I feel like I'm dealing with a sociopath and need insight. Why would you think she is a sociopath? She seems to have made it clear that FWB is all she is offering you, so all you can do is take it or leave it, she sounds like she has made up her mind. You cannot MAKE another person feel the same way you do. You want a "proper" relationship with her, she is not offering you that. End of. 2
twatwa123 Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 Wow. Please ditch this woman. Four years no commitment? Just wow. Time to tell her to commit or you'll move onto someone who will! 1
smackie9 Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 Sorry but you only have yourself to blame. It's pretty clear she never wanted this to go any further than FWB. It is up to YOU to make the decision to end it because you are not getting what you want. When you love someone doesn't mean you can have them or force them just because of what you think should happen. She won't commit so it's time to quit. 3
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 its been the most rewarding/difficult experience of my life. I feel like I'm dealing with a sociopath and need insight. Thank you. I'd say it's only been so difficult because you've accepted less than what you need in a relationship and had a stranglehold on someone who doesn't want to be held on to. This woman doesn't appear to be a sociopath on any level based on what you've written here. She hasn't done anything wrong. She's apparently been honest with you and you didn't want to accept the facts. You've been stringing YOURSELF along for 4 years. It's time to face reality and move on if you want a rich, fulfilling, real relationship with someone. You can't possibly have been feeling like she was truly invested in you all this time. After 4 years in this, you are complicit in your own misery . . . 4
ChatroomHero Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 I love her very much and I believe she loves me too, hence why we've struggled through four years. About 2.5 years into the relationship I left her because I couldn't take being alone (while with her), and she's held it against me every since, holding me to a strict standard of 'being better' to win her back. Its super toxic and confusing. It's toxic but not confusing. She either fears commitment or does not want it. It sounds like somewhat explicitly she told you she only wants FWB. She doesn't want to justify it or doesn't have a good reason to be just FWB after 4 years, but that is all she wants, hence the "Sometimes you want" speech. She holds you leaving her and makes you 'prove' yourself to her because it is a way she can deflect a serious commitment without giving you a final answer. Basically, if she can 'justify' not committing to you by pinning something on you and making it your fault or your responsibility to prove yourself to her, in her discretion, in some arbitrary way. Meaning she indicates you have to prove yourself before she commits but because she is the one determining if you proved yourself, she holds all the cards to keep the relationship as FWB without commitment indefinitely and at the same time making it look like it's your fault. After 4 years you know who she is and what she is about. Expecting her to change is a waste of effort. If you are not comfortable with how the relationship is now, just remember, 4 more years from now it will be the same...and 4 years after that and 4 years after that. So it's not confusing, it's just not what you want and she trying to make it your fault to keep from having to own up herself. I'd move on, otherwise 15 years from now you'll be 'spoken for' but all alone and unfulfilled. To expect otherwise would fly in the face of everything you already 100% know about her and her feelings on commitment.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 She doesn't love you enough to commit. I'm sure that hurts, but you need to face the truth so you can move on, heal, and find someone who loves you enough to make a real commitment. 1
kendahke Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 (edited) My dear, she just handed you the pink slip. Any time further you spend in this arrangement/involvement with her is on you. I love her very much and I believe she loves me too, hence why we've struggled through four years. Until "believe" becomes "know without a doubt", she doesn't love you. She loves having sex with you, having you spend your money on her, etc., but she's not here to be your emotional support. in the meantime, my tag line || VV Edited June 12, 2019 by kendahke 1
devilish innocent Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 (edited) This isn't about you not getting your question answered. This is about you not getting the commitment you need to feel safe and secure in this relationship. She doesn't have to provide you with any type of commitment, but you don't have to stay in a relationship where you're not getting it either. You may love her, but love isn't always enough. It doesn't sound like you are truly fulfilled in this relationship. Most people would not be. That is why people usually have a talk about exclusivity early on in the relationship. That is why they walk away if they don't get the exclusivity early on. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to feel secure when the person you love wants to date other people. You don't deserve to have to live with that insecurity. It will only continue as long as you stay with her. Walk away. You will miss and it will hurt. You will move on though. Some day when you find somebody who will give you what you need, you will wonder why you stayed in this relationship for as long as you did. Also, she is punishing you for wanting to walk away?! What the heck?! Of course, you wanted to walk away. You don't owe her anything. Not then, and definitely not years later. Edited June 12, 2019 by devilish innocent
ExpatInItaly Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 She isn't a sociopath, based on what you have written here. She just doesn't want to commit you. You know this, but have stuck around far too long. I am sure you have hoped this commitment from you would yield some reward in the form of more investment from her. As you can see, though, that has failed. It's never going to be the relaitonship you're looking for, OP. Time to move on. And time to ask yourself why on earth you have stuck around so long with someone who was never on the same page as you. When you know someone does not share the same relationship goals as you, the healthy thing to do is part ways - not wait around and hope she makes you feel safe and secure. That is a totally unrealistic expectation under these circumstances. Your thumb must be awfully calloused by now from trying to shove that square peg into a round hole. Go and let it heal and look for square holes in the future. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 You said it yourself in your post - this is toxic. What more do you need to know? 1
Orokotikki Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 Lots of good advice here OP, I have nothing to add other than my pity for you, and honest hope for you to take this advice and move onward and upward in life. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 She's right. It's not her job to make you feel safe or affirm you. Instead, it's YOUR job to find a partner who makes you feel safe and who affirms you. That's what dating and breaking up is all about ... trying to find a good partner. You're trying to guilt certain behavior out of her. No, let her be her. It's way past time for you to ditch her and go find someone you share relationship goals with. In the future, never assume someone will change what they want in a relationship based on time, sex, gifts, vacations or anything else. And break up if you feel someone isn't treating you right. It's that simple. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 Guy, end this. She won't commit to you, don't spend a lot of time analyzing how and why. You're staying with her because you don't want to be alone and you hope that someday, somehow she will come around. She … Won't. Life will go on, I promise you. You may not have anything and everything that you want, but life will go on.
The Outlaw Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 If she's only committed to FWB, that's all she's ever going to be willing to commit to. It's just easy for some to get what they need out of that type of relationship with no strings attached, and that's exactly what she's doing. You're willing to take it a step further with someone that just doesn't feel the same way. Do yourself a favor and let her go. There's nothing more to this than that.
chillii Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 She sounds like an idiot sorry op. Wth have you been doing with each other all this time then if according to her your not suppose to be this or feel that. Anyway , if you want more then l'd give her walking papers if it was me , to hell with listening to that rubbish or putting up with it.
Author earthprime Posted June 13, 2019 Author Posted June 13, 2019 This is the OP. Thank you everyone. This has been the hardest, most painful experience of my life. I appreciate the time everyone has spent commenting. Its important to note ... although we've been FWB, she's now said she's willing to consider more, but is very clear that she won't offer further details and this will take 'a long time'. Translation - nothing has changed and I get to keep proving to her I'm worth it with no exclusivity. I want to add one final thought for analysis. I had a txt conversation with her last night, and the following in that conversation. Thoughts? Me: I don't want to experience losing you again. Without a commitment, its only a matter of time until I get hurt, or someone comes along and makes you feel good. Her: I think its important that you feel secure in your choice instead of trying to change me - by telling me what I should say, or how, or when. Asking me to make promises I'm not ready to make. The only promise I can make with you is to 'try' [to work on us]. Me: Will you promise to be faithful to me while we're working on us? Her: Lets focus on the present, not your fears. You lose today worrying about tomorrow.
Orokotikki Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 95% prob nailing other dudes or on the lookout to do so at short notice. RUN dude! Value yourself more, she will only give you the bare minimum to keep you in her stable.
Els Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 I don't know if she's a "sociopath", but she's certainly not girlfriend material. Why are you still "with" her? (I put the quotes around "with" for a reason...)
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