VanillaSpice71 Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Hello! I would really appreciate some insight here... I have been seeing this guy now for six months. We are falling in love. But there is this consistent problem that keeps occuring.. a female friend he has and has known before me (one whom I have never met yet). Yesterday I snapped at him because I was getting annoyed with all the "favors" she keeps doing for him. Really need some advice here... basically when I first met him he invited me to a pub to play pool but she was also there, byt the time I had shown up she had already left. He made a comment that it probably wasn't a good idea to invite us both. That automatically set the wrong taste in my mouth. Because I thought to myself .. if she is just a friend to him, what does it matter?! They live really close to one another and she is always "popping in" to bring him things or "see him" and inviting him to the mall, or to swimming and or and or. ONe time I had to complain cuz he kept going with her and her kids withour inving me and I am suppose to be his gf and I also have a kid. Only after I said something did he make an effort or thake that into consideration. He had recently been away for 3 weeks and I had really missed him, she got to see him before me (twice) and even bought him a bottle of his favorite liquor. One time I was over and she invasively invited herself over and he allowed her to come even though I wasn't feeling it. I refused to meet her on her terms so I stayed in the room. As we were sleeping when she called and I was extremely hung over. Another time we were supposed to pick her up and she ended up cancelling. She has also bought my bf a gym membership. Yesterday she gave him money and brought him steak because he is hard up for cash. My concern is why can't he be self suficient and why is he accepting gifts from women in general?! I find this to be extremely inappropriate. Another thing that set a bad taste in my mouth is he told me that he had slept in her bed before and that once they had even "exchanged massages" and/or sex life details. It seems as though as soon as I am done hanging out with him, she is right there like a looser coming to bear gifts. She often uses him as a"dude" to make other dudes intimidated or jealous as well. One time she was having problems with a guy and she called him to "prtoect her" Am I crazy here?! or is there something else going on? He doesnt see anything wrong with what he is doing. I explained to him that he needs to have boundaries and stop accepting things from her and complaining about his financial problems to her in general. Whether it be loans for rent (yes she offered to loan him money to pay his rent) joints, alcohol, money, memberships and/or food or rides and he thinks I am being crazy. Please tell me how you would view and/or deal with this siutation. She has also written inappropriate things on his social media that even made him raise his eyebrows.. along the lines of "cuddling with her"... what is going on here?! He refuses to dead her off...
The Outlaw Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Try asking him about it. She's probably more to him than just a 'friend'. If he seems hesitant or evasive, you really can't have a steady relationship with him if she's around. He needs to choose.
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted June 11, 2019 Author Posted June 11, 2019 I did ask him about it! He just insists they are nothing more than friends...
The Outlaw Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 And that isn't making for a very good relationship with you. Maybe there's some truth to it, but that's what they all say. She needs to back off and respect that you have a relationship with him. Boundaries have been crossed at this point. 1
kendahke Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 OP, you haven't gotten the message that you're the other woman, not his girlfriend. All that you've written spells that out, despite what he denies. 1
Tamfana Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 You're not crazy. They are much closer and more involved than you and he are. His denying it is the fatal flaw. 2
smackie9 Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 How? why? Whatever is going on, it's time ...to ...go. This is why we date...to see what they are really like, how they treat us and how they behave. And I agree you ARE the other woman...he is seeing the both of you...figure it out. 2
Gretchen12 Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 It's only been 6 months. Leave now. Don't feel bad. He will replace you easily. He will never leave her.
Gaeta Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Why did you endure this for 6 months.... Leave, he won't even notice it. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 This is a clear case of boundaries - or lack their of. It's all well and good to have friends of the opposite sex but when one is in a relationship, one must remember that boundaries need to be in place out of respect for their new partner and their new relationship. Your guy doesn't seem to have any boundaries when it comes to this female 'friend' which is making this so much more complicated and awkward than it should be. Is there more there than just friendship? Who the hell knows. All I know is it definitely sounds odd. It doesn't seem like either of them (him and her) have an issue with any of this which won't end in your favor. Writing is on the wall with this one I'm afraid. This is why we date. To try one another on for size. If it doesn't fit or feel comfortable, let it go and try another. Good luck.
emeraldgreen Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Honestly, my first thought was that the other girl seems awesome and very sweet. She obviously has a lot of affection for him and he fills a role in her life, maybe more so than she does for him because he still wanted to pursue you romantically. That doesn't help you, however. The two of them either need to sh*t or get off the pot. Be together or quit playing part-time families so they can both find their #1 partners. By being an indecisive piggy in the middle, he's holding you both back.
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Their relationship is not strictly platonic friendship. She definitely wants more & he is being willfully ignorant of that fact. However, when she came over you were wrong to hide in the bedroom. Yes, I understand she woke you both up & you were hungover but gee whiz, that was your time to mark your territory. You can't win this battle because your guy isn't setting clear boundaries & putting you 1st. He probably never will with her. Learn to live with it or leave him but he's not going to change. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 oh no maam I would not have entered into a relationship if I saw glimpses of this while dating and if I did somehow entered into a relationship like this I would let myself out very quickly Op you should do the same 1
Atwood Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 I don't think a man who would do this to you is worth making the effort for. It's been 6 months, cut yourself loose! 1
FMW Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 He doesn't want to give up the ego boost (and money/gifts) so he's not going to do anything about it - he just hopes you keep putting up with it so he can have you both. 1
stillafool Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 Yeah she wants him that's clear. If I were you I would roll out the red carpet for her to have him considering he has no ambition and accepts money, rides, weed, rent from women. I couldn't be bothered with that. This guy sounds like a loser.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 This says a lot more about him than her. He has no boundaries with her. He’s a grown man who accepts money for weed, alcohol and rent? How old is this guy, 18? She’s a nuisance, yes, but it doesn’t sound as this dude is any prize either. I would rethink this entire relationship. 1
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