cassiefromvegas Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 I didn't receive many responses on my previous thread, so I thought I would make this a more general question. I tend to be too forgiving, make excuses for people too often, or look past what others have considered to be red flags. I got out of a 4 year relationship last May. My ex and I lived together for over 3 years, so we were fairly serious. I just finished up my masters (I'm 26) and have tried dating people this past year. After talking to my single friends who date, there seems to be a reason as to why men in their early 30's have chosen to be single or have been single with no prior serious relationship history. I am wondering if this in itself is a red flag? Are there other things I should be looking out for?
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) i feel looking out for good qualities is a good idea....and trust your intuition a far as red flags go for you ......everyone has flaws ...possible flags......but more often than not ...people are good..... concentrate and really focus on a persons redeeming qualities...go really into who they are an what who and when they stand for..and when flags pop up ...weigh them up for what you can deal with because of those shining qualities...and what you simply cannot deal with because then its not right for you to stay or disregard a flag like that.............deb Edited June 11, 2019 by todreaminblue
smackie9 Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Where are you looking for men to date? If it's a dating site that's all you are going to find there...hookups.
elastica Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 1. Someone asks you out on a date or keeps texting how they want to see you, but nothing happens. If they do not propose an actual day and time within a week or two they are most likely not serious - move on, even if they keep texting. 2. Guys who are extremely active on social media, have lots (like hundreds) of pictures with girls sitting on their lap and such. This might not neccessarily be a red flag but in my experience these guys might have an ego problem, needing constant validation from others and one woman is usually unable to provide this, so they will constantly be out there "using" girls for an ego boost. You have to stop seeing a guy like this immediatley because he will only want an ego boost from you, while you might get too invested. 3. Being too intense, making a lot of plans and promises when you start dating might be a red flag, most likely he is only after a hookup and not serious. Promises such as taking you on a trip, buying things for you, meeting his parents etc. To answer your question, I would not say that no prior serious relationship history is a red flag. Could be, it depends on various other factors.
Sharpshooter Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 I could never date a smoker. Not sure I could date someone with children, its not that I don't like children, but I think as someone who has never had children, I'm not sure I'd be best suited so ideally I think for people in that situation its best if they seek out someone who also has children.
Sharpshooter Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 After talking to my single friends who date, there seems to be a reason as to why men in their early 30's have chosen to be single or have been single with no prior serious relationship history. I am wondering if this in itself is a red flag? Are there other things I should be looking out for? It could be someone who has chosen to primarily focus on a career, but I think for a guy not to have ANY intimacy by their early 30s suggests some form of phobia or social anxiety. I think the vast majoriy of women would consider that to be a red flag would personally find someone like that hard work.
DrNo1962 Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 When you say red flags, I assume you mean something noticeable that could be a problem that comes to the surface later on. Love Bombing - This one is the biggest red flag for me. If a girl overly flatters me on the first date or during the first few dates (without me earning such praise), I get really freaked out by it.
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Red flags which demand an immediate stop, to me include: Nastiness -- being rude to waiters etc. Excessive daily drunkenness (& / or multiple DWIs / DUIs) Any drug use; I am decidedly 420 hostile badmouthing an EX to me on an early date . . . or extolling their virtues inconsistent info or being evasive about last name, type of employment, background etc. Being an insecure cling-on inappropriate early pressure for sex including sending or asking for naked pics; innuendo is fine Personal deal breakers for me include: smoking, prior felony convictions, multiple baby mamas, separated but not divorced, inability to carry on a high level conversation about current events, including the controversial ones & facial hair. Those don't make people bad humans. They are just personal preferences of mine.
Eugeleh Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 After talking to my single friends who date, there seems to be a reason as to why men in their early 30's have chosen to be single or have been single with no prior serious relationship history. I am wondering if this in itself is a red flag? Are there other things I should be looking out for? Are you specifically asking about men 30+ y.o. men with no significant relationship history, or all 30+ single men? Red flags would differ by category.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 After talking to my single friends who date, there seems to be a reason as to why men in their early 30's have chosen to be single or have been single with no prior serious relationship history. I am wondering if this in itself is a red flag? Are there other things I should be looking out for? I might be misunderstanding your statement but a guy who is single at 30 doesn’t seem like a red flag to me A guy who doesn’t have prior serious relationship history could be I guess. It’s either he wanted to sow his wild oats before wanting to settle down, he wants to be single and play the field forever, or he is just an inexperienced guy who doesn’t get any action let alone a serious relationship... Other red flags in dating.... Guys who’s actions don’t match his words. Guys who flake Guys who are rude to other people Guys who seem to just lack character/morals/remorse/empathy in general when having conversation about different things Guys who have cheated especially if they justify it Guys who blame everybody and anybody all the time and doesn’t seem to take accountability Guys who seem to be too comfortable with having sex without a condom and hardly know you Guys who don’t take your no seriously Guys who talk negatively about women a lot to you Guys who are seperated/married Guys who substance abuse Guys with more than two baby mamas Guys who have kids the same age by more than one mom Guys who are dismissive of your views and feelings Guys who are stingy/don’t share/inconsiderate/selfish/not giving or caring Guys who are unaffectionate Guys who don’t call Guys who get irritable towards you over little things or things that’s not your fault Guys who gaslight Girl....I’m sure there is more but that’s all I can think of right now 2
Author cassiefromvegas Posted June 12, 2019 Author Posted June 12, 2019 Are you specifically asking about men 30+ y.o. men with no significant relationship history, or all 30+ single men? Red flags would differ by category. Not ALL 30+ men. Men in their early 30's with no significant relationship history. On my last post, I had mentioned I was talking to a guy whose answer to why he has not had a relationship since his early 20's (which was also not a very serious relationship) was simply "I just didn't want one." I also had been dating a guy on and off who was 31 and his longest relationship was less than a year. Very scared of commitment. I'm just wondering if this is something I need to proceed with caution if I come across another man around the same age with no prior relationship history. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I just want to avoid wasting time and not overlook red flags.
Author cassiefromvegas Posted June 12, 2019 Author Posted June 12, 2019 I could never date a smoker. Not sure I could date someone with children, its not that I don't like children, but I think as someone who has never had children, I'm not sure I'd be best suited so ideally I think for people in that situation its best if they seek out someone who also has children. I agree with both of these statements. I personally don't want children. It's just never been something I've wanted. It would be nice to find someone, but it seems like most men DO want to have kids. This preference narrows down my dating pool quite a bit.
Eugeleh Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 (edited) Not ALL 30+ men. Men in their early 30's with no significant relationship history. On my last post, I had mentioned I was talking to a guy whose answer to why he has not had a relationship since his early 20's (which was also not a very serious relationship) was simply "I just didn't want one." I also had been dating a guy on and off who was 31 and his longest relationship was less than a year. Very scared of commitment. I'm just wondering if this is something I need to proceed with caution if I come across another man around the same age with no prior relationship history. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I just want to avoid wasting time and not overlook red flags. Ok. As someone who once fit that description I would say that your friends have a point. If you do find an early 30's guy who has little to no relationship experience otherwise appealing then it probably does behoove you to see if you can figure out why their experience is limited. Some will be players who prefer big numbers for short terms. Others may be wary of commitment for a wide variety of reasons, e.g., parents had a messy divorce. There are others whose academic/career demands made relationship success tricky. And there are others who simply aren't very successful at attracting women and haven't been picked. Taken as a group men in their early 30's who have little to no relationship experience would probably be found to be regarded as having intrinsically less than average appeal to women in general. However, there are diamonds in the rough; it's reasonable to be cautious and to investigate why their situation is as it is. It can be addressed tactfully and gently, without being overly intrusive, and most of the good ones will be willing to give you the necessary insights. Edited June 12, 2019 by Eugeleh 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 1. Someone asks you out on a date or keeps texting how they want to see you, but nothing happens. If they do not propose an actual day and time within a week or two they are most likely not serious - move on, even if they keep texting. 2. Guys who are extremely active on social media, have lots (like hundreds) of pictures with girls sitting on their lap and such. This might not neccessarily be a red flag but in my experience these guys might have an ego problem, needing constant validation from others and one woman is usually unable to provide this, so they will constantly be out there "using" girls for an ego boost. You have to stop seeing a guy like this immediatley because he will only want an ego boost from you, while you might get too invested. 3. Being too intense, making a lot of plans and promises when you start dating might be a red flag, most likely he is only after a hookup and not serious. Promises such as taking you on a trip, buying things for you, meeting his parents etc. To answer your question, I would not say that no prior serious relationship history is a red flag. Could be, it depends on various other factors. These are good ones! I just wanna add a little more. 1. If someone is hesitant to meet you, they may be very awkward or creepy. I talked to a guy for several months, reconnected after going offline and finally met. He was extremely weird. I understood why he rejected any suggestion before to vid chat, talk on the phone and meet in person. Something about his voice and demeanor really turned me off. 2. Ditto! 3. The guy could be desperate and controlling. I had one of those and it was almost a fairy tale relationship until I realized he wanted me all to myself. 4. Any mention on how they "don't want to get hurt". Run as far as you can! They will end up dumping or ghosting you. 5. They have no steady employment/consistently broke and are not in school. This person is a loser, especially if they have no ambition to do more then find seasonal jobs. 6. Guys who claim to not be texters/great communicators. They are usually active on social media and are talking to everyone, but you. 7. Flake last minute w/a poor excuse.
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 I'm just wondering if this is something I need to proceed with caution if I come across another man around the same age with no prior relationship history. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I just want to avoid wasting time and not overlook red flags. At 30 no relationship history might be a yellow flag depending on the man's other accomplishments. If he was busy achieving things & states he didn't have a relationship because he didn't want one, that was a choice. I see no problems with a guy who had choices. By 40 with no relationship longer then a few months, that is a commitment phob, eternal bachelor & does warrant a red flag.
FMW Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 I think the most important thing you should look out for are your own instincts. If you get a bad feeling about something, if something makes you uncomfortable even though you aren't sure why, trust those feelings.
Atwood Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 My list of personal red flags that I always listen to when I date; Rude Bad tempered Using the silent treatment Being “too smooth” or bringing up marriage and kids really early Drug user (just don’t want it in my life, I don’t think drug users are bad people) Heavy drinker, same as above. Cruel or offensive sense of humour bc it’s “edgy” Self proclaimed MRAs or PUAs Doesn’t like kids/is rude to kids Doesn’t like animals/is rude to animals Condescending Arrogant Unable to apologise or accept fault for anything No empathy No modesty Insensitive Unable to communicate or verbalise emotions to resolve conflict 2
littleblackheart Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 Overly negative (everything is bad / unfair) Overly agreeable (likes everything you do, everything you say, whatever you wear) Makes things personal / pushes your buttons deliberately to provoke a reaction then pretends it's all 'in good fun' Presents as a hard done by victim Paints an unrealistic picture of himself (inflated ego)
amaysngrace Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 A house arrest ankle bracelet always makes me stop and think twice. 2
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