fson37 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 I've been dating a woman for 4 months. I'm 33 and she's 30. I thought everything was going great. We talk every day, initiated by both of us, and never had a fight. About a month ago she flaked on me two times in two days. She seemed genuinely sorry she had to cancel, so I figured stuff happens. However, she never rescheduled these plans. After she flaked I didn't reach out to her. She texted me a few days later confused why we weren't talking. I took this as a good sign because I figured she wouldn't have reached out if she wasn't interested. We continued our daily texts exchanges. Once again, we made plans and she canceled. Again, she was "so sorry." She apparently forgot she had plans. She even told me she'd much rather see me than do the other plans. Kind of confusing. It's now been 2+ weeks and despite texting everyday I'm pretty sure I'm getting slowly faded. I believe that people make time for things/people that care about. We live in the same city so it shouldn't be a problem to get together. Also, actions speak louder than words. If you are really sorry about cancelling plans or would rather see me than your other plans why not make it happen? I am confused, sad and really unsure of what to do. At this point I think it's best to leave it be and not contact her. Any advance is appreciated. thanks in advance.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 Your on the right track Op There is nothing to do but leave flakes be and focus on those who don’t flake. If I were you I would ignore her and date other women (assuming y’all are not boyfriend and girlfriend). If she wants to know what’s up then I would tell her “Jane I like you and I get things happen but you canceled on me three times and I want to get to know someone who won’t flake out. No hard feelings though” and keep it moving. If she wants another chance you can if you want give her ONE MORE CHANCE Or don’t even bother. Your choice. The only thing to do is move on. Plenty of women out there that will return your interest. 1
Author fson37 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Posted June 10, 2019 Thanks for the reply Curiousroxy86. I guess what I'm really confused about is her constant texting and "positive" indications of interest for example: she said "I'd rather see you than do my other plans" or she reached out to me after we haven't talked in a few days. Don't understand why someone would do that and then flake. 1
Gretchen12 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 She's probably hiding something. Maybe she's not in town, or her ex is in town, or she's getting cosmetic surgery. Just don't reply to her texts everyday.
Author fson37 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Posted June 10, 2019 Is this a LDR? Have you met irl yet? Not a long distance relationship. We live in the same city and have met several times. We've gotten together 1-2 times a week until she started becoming flaky 2+ weeks ago.
The Outlaw Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 At this point in time, it sounds like she was just stringing you along for attention. If she's chosen to flake on you like this, just leave it at that. She's done you a favor. Anyone that chooses to do this to someone else doesn't have a place in your life.
MaleIntuition Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 It’s perfectly possible that you are overreacting and that she is simply waiting for you to ask her out again. Some “flakes” are legit. The worst thing you can do is to make a big thing and start to act wierd/needy about it though - that will just push her away.
Author fson37 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Posted June 10, 2019 It’s perfectly possible that you are overreacting and that she is simply waiting for you to ask her out again. Some “flakes” are legit. The worst thing you can do is to make a big thing and start to act wierd/needy about it though - that will just push her away. thanks for the reply. Possible I am overreacting, but flaking 3 times? I think if I ask her out again I just seem desperate. That's why I think it's best to leave it be. Also, I usually think the person that flakes (her in this situation) should be the one to reschedule.
MaleIntuition Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 thanks for the reply. Possible I am overreacting, but flaking 3 times? I think if I ask her out again I just seem desperate. That's why I think it's best to leave it be. Also, I usually think the person that flakes (her in this situation) should be the one to reschedule. If that’s your logic, how do you justify daily texting? She isn’t stupid, she knows you are still interested - in this case it’s better to assertively ask her out (and/or follow Roxys advice...). This passively chatting doesn’t serve your cause.
Author fson37 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Posted June 10, 2019 If that’s your logic, how do you justify daily texting? She isn’t stupid, she knows you are still interested - in this case it’s better to assertively ask her out (and/or follow Roxys advice...). This passively chatting doesn’t serve your cause. Yea, I guess that's why I'm here - I'm confused by the whole situation haha. I appreciate the insight.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 Thanks for the reply Curiousroxy86. I guess what I'm really confused about is her constant texting and "positive" indications of interest for example: she said "I'd rather see you than do my other plans" or she reached out to me after we haven't talked in a few days. Don't understand why someone would do that and then flake. A lot of times people date with their egos. They want you to like them so they can have you as an option. Even if they may not really be into you or there lives are too busy or they are talking to other people they still want you as an option. So they tell you what you want to hear to keep access to you. Keep you from writing them off. So that when they want some attention (maybe they got some free time, maybe they are bored, maybe they are actually ready to date when they was not before, maybe they are experiencing a dry spell and guys are not checking for them right now and they need a guy they put on the shelf to stroke their ego lol) they decide to hit you up and be “available” when they were flaky before. Don’t let them do that to you. Have a zero tolerance for flaky women. Ignore her behind. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 If that’s your logic, how do you justify daily texting? She isn’t stupid, she knows you are still interested - in this case it’s better to assertively ask her out (and/or follow Roxys advice...). This passively chatting doesn’t serve your cause. Male makes a good point. I don’t recommend waiting on a woman to ask you out. In normal circumstances I would be like “ask her out!”. However I don’t like that she canceled on your plans three times which is why I think you should ignore her and date other women. First time ok things happen. Second time a guy cancels on me (in a row) I personally would ignore. But again back to males point in a normal circumstance where a woman didn’t cancel I don’t think you should wait on a woman to ask you out because more than likely women (in general) expect men to do the asking. Good luck! 1
Author fson37 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Posted June 10, 2019 Male makes a good point. I don’t recommend waiting on a woman to ask you out. In normal circumstances I would be like “ask her out!”. However I don’t like that she canceled on your plans three times which is why I think you should ignore her and date other women. First time ok things happen. Second time a guy cancels on me (in a row) I personally would ignore. But again back to males point in a normal circumstance where a woman didn’t cancel I don’t think you should wait on a woman to ask you out because more than likely women (in general) expect men to do the asking. Good luck! Thank you. I appreciate your insight. I am just hurt by the situation. I've never been "dumped" before without acting being "dumped." It's weird and it sucks.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 (edited) Thank you. I appreciate your insight. I am just hurt by the situation. I've never been "dumped" before without acting being "dumped." It's weird and it sucks. Aw I’m sorry hun. It’s okay to feel negative about the unattractive behaviors of people you will encounter in dating. But do keep it pushing. There are women out there who don’t/won’t flake. Edited June 10, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Thanks for the reply Curiousroxy86. I guess what I'm really confused about is her constant texting and "positive" indications of interest for example: she said "I'd rather see you than do my other plans" or she reached out to me after we haven't talked in a few days. Don't understand why someone would do that and then flake. One, you really don't need to "understand" why someone would act as she does ... Here's the problem: often when we "understand," we excuse ... I don't need to understand why the mugger wants to mug me ... In relationships, just pay attention to what you don't like. No need to understand why personality quirk or family history or whatever is leading to the odd behavior. Just pay attention to it! But go ahead and pose the question to her. "Look I'm confused. You disappear on me for several days and then contact me as if nothing has happened. What is going on? I don't get this, and I don't like it." Now again, the danger of asking her is that she'll come up with SOME kind of answer ... and it'll be easy (if you don't high standards and boundaries) to accept her excuses. 1
frus69 Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) I dont see anything confusing about it. It's damn obvious to me she's bread crumbing you. Please, you really dont need to ask her to know what's going on here. Save yourself some dignity and walk away. Breadcrumbing is the new ghosting and it's savage AF. You want to know how to handle this? Just ghost the F out of her, now. Dont ask her, dont warn her, just straight up ghost her, right now. Edited June 11, 2019 by frus69
Rocker71 Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) Thanks for the reply Curiousroxy86. I guess what I'm really confused about is her constant texting and "positive" indications of interest for example: she said "I'd rather see you than do my other plans" or she reached out to me after we haven't talked in a few days. Don't understand why someone would do that and then flake. Women will tell you what they think you want to hear to keep you on the hook. They're betting you're so weak that you'll take them back like nothing ever happened while they go screw around with other guys and sample different flavors of guys. While you are wondering about her and perplexed about why she did what she did, guess what she's doing? Taking other guys to ecstasy by giving away her intimacies to them. Meanwhile you're missing her and wondering about her. Go meet other women. Lots of other women. This is what happens when you focus on just one. Edited June 11, 2019 by Rocker71
Flame Aura Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 I'm confused is she your girlfriend? You say you have been dating for 4 months..are you exclusive/official?
Saracena Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Women will tell you what they think you want to hear to keep you on the hook. They're betting you're so weak that you'll take them back like nothing ever happened while they go screw around with other guys and sample different flavors of guys. While you are wondering about her and perplexed about why she did what she did, guess what she's doing? Taking other guys to ecstasy by giving away her intimacies to them. Meanwhile you're missing her and wondering about her. Go meet other women. Lots of other women. This is what happens when you focus on just one. Rather sweeping generalisation, eh? Like men, not all women are the same!
Redhead14 Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 I'm confused is she your girlfriend? You say you have been dating for 4 months..are you exclusive/official? Yes, I was thinking about that too. She may be at a point where she is expecting/hoping to be asked to be his girlfriend and since he hasn't she's wanting to bail but still hoping he will. If she grew a set for herself, she'd open that conversation, but as we've seen on these boards, women are often passive about all this -- hesitant to be the one to open that conversation. OP, if you like her enough, you should open a conversation with her about where things are between you. It should be light and non-confrontational. "You know, Xname, I've been enjoying the time we spend together. But lately, something seems off. I'd like to move to the next level. How do you feel about this". Yeah, maybe she's fading away but it may be that you aren't stepping up. It's been 4 months, I can see why she'd be a little wary now and worried about being hurt. We really don't know for sure what's going on with her. Why assume? If it were earlier on in the scenario, I doubt I would recommend talking to her. But . . . it's been 4 months.
elastica Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 I went through the same thing recently with a guy so I know how you feel. One day sparks are flying, they seem super sweet and interested. Next thing you know they start cancelling dates and the worst thing is, the first couple of times it happens you might not even realize they are doing the slow fade. Then it suddenly hits you and it hurts! Your ego is crushed, you feel rejected and unlovable. I agree with what MaleIntuition said, that "some flakes are legit" and you might be overreacting. The trouble is, once they flake and cancel a few times, no matter how cute and legit they are, it is hard to force yourself to agree to another date because 1. the anticipation might be too stressful and kill the mood, 2. you might become resentful and feel like an idiot or a doormat, 3. you will remember the red flags such as being left on read for days and flaking last minute which will make you feel like you were never a priority. So even if they are legit, for how long can you accept this behavior? It is sad that people do this but there is nothing you can do. When you catch yourself thinking about her, just tell yourself to stop and distract yourself. Flirt with other girls. And give it some time. If she texts you and you want to respond, be very casual. Sorry you are going through this. 1
ChatroomHero Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 When you pick up on the slow fade, it's not just because she flaked, it's because she flaked and you detected a shift in the interaction whether you realized it or not. Like you when you went out before she might have shifted plans, now when you try to make plans she has something else she has to do, something that she would have cancelled or worked around before. I bet you picked up on the fact that despite her being "so sorry" to flake, her actions don't match the level of sorry she claims...or when you gave her a week's notice before and planned a date for Friday, now no matter how much notice you give her, the prime days of Friday and Saturday are never an option. I recently had a similar situation. The girl was very into me, like really into me. She flaked twice and then stopped responding to texts almost all together. I nicely told her, 'have a nice life' and she responded to "PLEASE don't stop texting me, I really want to see you again, things are just crazy right now". This a week after she told me she gets bored at home a lot without anything to do. I texted her twice after that and radio silence so I deleted her number. It was odd, I want to know the reason but I really don't care. I just don't have time for people that don't respect me. I fully expect that in a couple of months she will reach out again based on how things were and I might start to think why is she showing interest and proving low to no interest at the same time, but I don't really care. I've moved on and I know that any explanation or reason she gives me will probably be more confusing when at the end of the day, the truth lies in her actions. Move on. I wouldn't contact her and probably wouldn't respond if she reached out. For whatever reason, bad timing, another guy, not ready to date, socially inept...she is putting you in her orbit and happy to have you there. I don't care much for that kind of thing anymore. I know the outcome and every second you spend texting or thinking about her is a second wasted, no matter what he reasoning is. If she does reach out and you reply, I'd just reply that you don't fell you two are a fit so you are moving on. Otherwise you are just delaying the inevitable. 1
DrNo1962 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Some people think my take on ghosting is weird, but I personally think its a positive sign for your own piece of mind. Someone who ghosts you has given you a clear insight into what they might be like when **** hits the fan during a relationship. Indirect communication via ghosting/fade that leaves you having to try and interpret their message is passive-aggrerssive behaviour and should automoatically disqualify someone as being a suitable match for you. Passive Agressive people are a pain in the ass to date. You've dodged a bullet OP.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Some people think my take on ghosting is weird, but I personally think its a positive sign for your own piece of mind. I actually wanted to say this when I first responded to Op but felt like it wasn’t exactly helpful to how he felt because it was my personal preference But I actually would prefer a guy to ghost me then give me his spill on why he think I’m not great OR spend (waste) time with me pretending he is into me when he is not If you don’t like me/want to be with me then please just go away lol I can take the hint well when you never made it to boyfriend in the first place So a guy who disappears before exclusivity wouldn’t bother me. It would only really bother me to get ghosted if he was an actual boyfriend.
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