JuneL Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I don’t disagree with Bailey, Redhead and Oats, btw. But the more I think about it, the least harmful to his kids might be to jump ship now, though it might look bad on his part. Not sure if he’s on good terms with his ex-wife, but she might be like “he moved my kids in with some immature woman and moved out after a mere 3 months.”
Lotsgoingon Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I dunno. This guy got himself into a situation in which any option is harmful to his kids. Now they are left confused about why the happy blended family is suddenly split into 2 families living like roommates. Also, it’s odd that he told the OP to ask her daughter about the ex-boyfriend. Why would you get a little kid in the middle of their messy relationship issues? Because his gf doesn't trust him. Had he said, "Hey, your ex is causing major trouble and talking to your daughter a lot," can you imagine how the OP would have responded? "Why are you lying and jealous?" she would have said. That's the way she talks. BF didn't place the kid in the middle. The kid through neglect IS in the middle. Ex's calls put kid in the middle and OP's obliviousness and refusal to block ex's number ... put the kid in the middle. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 there are alot of assumptions being made that we really dont know the whole story to outside of what was actually typed by the op in this thread 1
Gaeta Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I don’t disagree with Bailey, Redhead and Oats, btw. But the more I think about it, the least harmful to his kids might be to jump ship now, though it might look bad on his part. Not sure if he’s on good terms with his ex-wife, but she might be like “he moved my kids in with some immature woman and moved out after a mere 3 months.” I agree 100% he should jump ship NOW. They've been living together for 3 months which is a drop in the ocean in terms of time. She probably lives in HIS house so his children will have minimal impact when she leaves. I would even say the children will all be relieved to go back to the life they had before. We all know it's not gonna work long term so leaving now is best then leaving in a year. OP is emotionally immature and she will not grow up overnight. The kids will forget pretty fast that 3 month. If they stay longer it won't be that easily forgotten. 2
Tamfana Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 Yeah I've thought that too. I'm also wondering about the kids' other parents. Co-parents usually disapprove of hasty decisions about kids' living arrangements, usually question the judgment of the parent doing it. It wouldn't surprise me if OP's daughter's dad and the boys' mom were skeptical of this hasty decision to blend these families- maybe strongly opposed it. OP's BF might be thinking about how to unravel a situation he and OP created, not only in the best way for himself, OP, the daughter and sons, but also to demonstrate to the boys' mom (and maybe a judge one day?) that he has good parenting judgment and puts the children's best interests first. He made a mistake with ripple effect way beyond his relationship with OP. Counseling, caution and a slow transition would probably be the wisest strategy. That's pure speculation but it's also a common scenario. 2
Author rachel1989 Posted June 14, 2019 Author Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) I just wanted to thank everyone for spending time replying...this will likely be my last reply unless there's questions. The relationship ended this morning..which is why I was slow to reply. I made counseling appointments for next week but apparently it wasn't meant to be. I'll just say this...at least he's been calm and accommodating. I have until the end of July to "vacate" as he put it...his townhome. He offered to help move my items which was nice of him but I don't think I'll accept this offer. I was a bit angry this morning when I noticed a print out on the table about a cabin at a lake. He said he was taking his boys to the lake for Father's Day...he knows my daughter will be at her dads....and he didn't invite me to go with him. He claims it was "to think" but I got angry about it. He simply said "I tried, I'm not going to try anymore this isn't something I want any longer" I thought I was ready for a relationship but since the divorce I suppose I've become hard to handle and more outspoken than I've ever been. I need someone who can handle a strong independent woman who is outspoken and I don't think it's him. I plan to still go to the counseling, perhaps he will show up...he paid for half of it after all. It'll be a strange weekend but I suppose he's serious and I should start packing. I'm angry...I'm hurt and all I wanted to do is spend time with him and his kids on Father's Day and even something as simple as that becomes a whole ordeal. FRUSTRATED. Edited June 14, 2019 by rachel1989
GorillaTheater Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I need someone who can handle a strong independent woman who is outspoken and I don't think it's him. You say stuff like this and it makes me wonder how much of what we've been saying is sinking in. 7
kendahke Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I thought I was ready for a relationship but since the divorce I suppose I've become hard to handle and more outspoken than I've ever been. I need someone who can handle a strong independent woman who is outspoken and I don't think it's him. I plan to still go to the counseling, perhaps he will show up...he paid for half of it after all. You need a therapist and whole lot of therapy before you need another boyfriend who'll put up with immature behavior and verbal abuse. No man who is emotionally healthy and sane is going to put up with your version of a 'strong, independent woman'---because this is not how strong, independent women behave. It'll be a strange weekend but I suppose he's serious and I should start packing. I'm angry...I'm hurt and all I wanted to do is spend time with him and his kids on Father's Day and even something as simple as that becomes a whole ordeal. FRUSTRATED. you're mad because you have to lie in the bed you willfully made. 3
Veronica73 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I think he made the right choice. You don’t get it. What you said, and how you reacted in the aftermath wasn’t strong, independent, or outspoken. It was selfish, cruel, and reactive. 6
JuneL Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) So your 3-month probationary period lasted just one day. Do you have a place ready to move back to? Please do this as calmly as possible, for the sake of your daughter. Edited June 14, 2019 by JuneL 1
OatsAndHall Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I thought I was ready for a relationship but since the divorce I suppose I've become hard to handle and more outspoken than I've ever been. I need someone who can handle a strong independent woman who is outspoken and I don't think it's him. I plan to still go to the counseling, perhaps he will show up...he paid for half of it after all. FRUSTRATED. There's a difference between being a 'strong,independent outspoken woman' and being consistently irrational and angry. Hopefully, a therapist will point this out and you'll listen. Otherwise, I doubt you'll have successful relationships. 4
Versacehottie Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I just wanted to thank everyone for spending time replying...this will likely be my last reply unless there's questions. The relationship ended this morning..which is why I was slow to reply. I made counseling appointments for next week but apparently it wasn't meant to be. I'll just say this...at least he's been calm and accommodating. I have until the end of July to "vacate" as he put it...his townhome. He offered to help move my items which was nice of him but I don't think I'll accept this offer. I was a bit angry this morning when I noticed a print out on the table about a cabin at a lake. He said he was taking his boys to the lake for Father's Day...he knows my daughter will be at her dads....and he didn't invite me to go with him. He claims it was "to think" but I got angry about it. He simply said "I tried, I'm not going to try anymore this isn't something I want any longer" I thought I was ready for a relationship but since the divorce I suppose I've become hard to handle and more outspoken than I've ever been. I need someone who can handle a strong independent woman who is outspoken and I don't think it's him. I plan to still go to the counseling, perhaps he will show up...he paid for half of it after all. It'll be a strange weekend but I suppose he's serious and I should start packing. I'm angry...I'm hurt and all I wanted to do is spend time with him and his kids on Father's Day and even something as simple as that becomes a whole ordeal. FRUSTRATED. In all due respect, Rachel, the bolded is really not an accurate description of what happened in this scenario at all. In light of what has been going on and the outcome, going with him and his kids on Father's day is the least of your worries. I think you need to put that in perspective and may be why some people are calling you out as immature. Sorry it turned out like this for you, I'm surprised that he did such a quick turnaround after dinner the other night. That said, it would also seem in line with two people who move in with each other at that stage in dating, having recently enough been through a divorce and with kids involved, i.e. move fast, get out fast. It's a more volatile type decision (moving in so quickly with minors involved) so there are more likely to be volatile type continuations within the relationship. It seems like you have had a little growth during the time you started this thread. I think it will take a lot more which is why people are reacting the way they have on this thread (me included). In spite of it feeling like people might be attacking you or not understanding you, i think a lot of it is to help you get to a place where you would need to be in terms of self-awareness and empathy and responsibility so you can actually get what you want, relationship-wise. I hope someday you will see that--I think you will actually. I'm hopeful Good luck 3
Redhead14 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 "I need someone who can handle a strong independent woman who is outspoken" There is a huge difference between that description and what happened. What happened is you had a giant hissy fit and went off on your child and your boyfriend and deeply wounded and embarrassed him and displayed a complete lack of ability to empathize or accept responsibility for your behavior. The angry outburst coupled with the lack of ability to empathize and accept responsibility suggests that there is a pathology to this and, I am willing to bet, that this is not the first time this kind of thing has happened. The significant part of this outburst was "what are you doing to my daughter" which made it very, very personal and devisive. You drove a proverbial wedge between you two. You should go to counseling and figure out why you found it necessary to drive that wedge and make it so blatantly clear that you weren't embracing him as a partner and a responsible member of the household (which was his household by the way). 3
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 Well, it’s quite clear that he wants a strong, independent, and mature woman and despite what you may think, that’s not you. I hope with therapy and some self reflection, you will experience some personal growth and get there. But, it’s very clear that you are not there now. He made the right decision. 3
Redhead14 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 There is a difference between a strong, independent, outspoken woman and a shrew.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 You don't need someone who can handle a strong, independent woman. You need someone who is comfortable living with an abusive, self-centered, immature woman who uses toxic, destructive language and is too arrogant to apologize even when the relationship she so desperately wants is at stake. Your mom knows you and loves you ... and agreed with him! Why not talk to her about your issues? 1
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 QUOTE=Redhead14;7810171]"I need someone who can handle a strong independent woman who is outspoken" There is a huge difference between that description and what happened. What happened is you had a giant hissy fit and deeply wounded and embarrassed him and displayed a complete lack of ability to empathize or accept responsibility for your behavior. This. You have displayed a total lack of insight, empathy, and self control. Your behaviour was more akin to a child’s tantrum than the behaviour of a mature woman, and mother. Even your last post - “Frustrated! I wanted to go to the cabin too...” is increasingly selfish and immature. He definitely made the right decision to end the relationship. If you want to be successful in any future relationships, you are going to need to grow up... I’m afraid. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 im glad its over actually. you were already on thin ice and even a little pressure you would have fell through. the only way this would have worked is for you to totally show a complete 180 change and relationships like that rarely ever work where one is dependent upon the other to change in order to stay 1
kendahke Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 I'm surprised that he did such a quick turnaround after dinner the other night. I'm not. Had that dinner inspired him to go home and have make up sex, then I'd say she had a good chance of getting things back on track. But the fact that he built that brick wall for her manipulation tactics to run into and he let her know he built it said that he was more than likely trying to gauge if she really understood the damage she'd done and whatever it was she did/said didn't convince him that she understood anything. I'll wager that by the end of this weekend, she'll have talked to the ex. I just hope she doesn't bring him to this guy's house to have sex in his bed as revenge.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 15, 2019 Posted June 15, 2019 OP, with respect, you need a reality check. The behaviour you exhibited in the episode with him and your daughter was not the behaviour of a strong and independent woman. It was impulsive, accusatory, and disrespectful. There is no strength in having poor ability to regulate one's emotions and think before speaking. Being independent has zero to do with it either. Are you strong in other ways, or at different times? Probably, yes. But I sincerely hope you don't lack so much insight into your own behaviour that you somehow frame this outburst as his problem for not being able to handle you. That absence of accountability is going to work against you over and over if you don't do some serious reflection. 3
Inspire Posted June 16, 2019 Posted June 16, 2019 I thought I was ready for a relationship but since the divorce I suppose I've become hard to handle and more outspoken than I've ever been. I need someone who can handle a strong independent woman who is outspoken and I don't think it's him. Being strong, independent and outspoken is one thing. Being rude and inconsiderate is another. I would imagine this wasn't the first time that he has seen you lose your cool. The way you downplayed the whole incident speaks volumes about your inability to empathize and to recognize how the things you say are perceived. The apology IMO came off as disingenuine. If I was him, I'd be looking at you to sell that apology and that wasn't going to cut it. Not to mention that he has some suspicion that you and your ex are not only talking, but potentially having inappropriate conversations. 3
Peony86 Posted June 17, 2019 Posted June 17, 2019 (edited) Deleted post Edited June 17, 2019 by Peony86 Didn't realise OP had broken up; advice no longer relevant
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