Versacehottie Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Well so it was like i thought, he laid down the law but is willing for a reset. So it's good considering the alternatives. Ok, you might not like what i say next. You seriously need to get your daughter under control. I mean you are the authority figure not her friend. It sounds like she even at her young age is adept at manipulating. 20 minutes to get out of the house?!?!? The thing is you need to draw the line and just leave. A big part of why she does what she does is she is getting somewhere with it, with you, with him, with whoever. If she got nowhere with her shenanigans, she wouldn't do it. Child development 101. Also while i think you are making an effort in the way you know how, I feel like you fall back on the daughter throwing her fits as an excuse rather than take real responsibility or definitive action. I realize that is not going to change overnight but it does point out a coping strategy, character thing of yours that is a threat to this relationship and future ones. You can do therapy for you, for her but it's not like some magic pill, ultimately you would need to change how you process what happens in your environment and change what you do & think. I don't know, to me, taking responsibility, like truly, is your biggest hurdle. Your guy sounds pretty amazing. I agree with whoever said he is refusing physical intimacy because you throw it out to manipulate or more so sweep stuff under the rug that needs to be addressed IMO. It's a unique approach but i definitely don't see anything wrong with it. I mean it's probably no different than a woman who feels disconnected from her partner for some guys, they don't feel the connection the same way and don't want to muddy things during the rebuilding. I totally agree with him for not dropping off your daughter at camp. Basically he's tabling his faux parental duties with her until she gets more under control and you two are on the same page with managing her--which you actually are not. Frankly, i don't think he should be alone with her with her recent streak of stuff; he has a lot to lose with one wrong word. Sounds dramatic & extreme but yeah he does. I actually think she would BENEFIT by being around his more authoritative stance however then i feel he knows the dynamic would continue where he is parent to her AND YOU. And he wants a partner not an adult child, just saying. Ok, that a lot of tough love, hope you can take it and that you get those appts. Good luck 3
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 And his not wanting to be intimate is troubling. It's OK for a couple of days but his response reeks of a grab for power. Be very careful here. You screwed up - multiple times - but that shouldn't be a reason for you to give up all equality in the relationship. Withholding sex is often used for power reasons. It's one thing to hold off for a bit because you're upset but quite another to tell your partner that it's a no until s/he does X. Agreed.... Older man, younger woman. Like a lot of men who source younger women he probably likes to be in control, to dominate, and now he has the perfect excuse to hold the OP to ransom. I get he was upset, I get the need maybe for some help with the blended family situation but this is too much...
Partymix19 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 You said - no screamer - “what did YOU DO to MY daughter” to a man you profess to love that ALSO has kids, one with special needs - loudly enough for neighbors to hear. You’re lucky he didn’t pack up his kids and stuff and leave. Most men would.
Partymix19 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Agreed.... Older man, younger woman. Like a lot of men who source younger women he probably likes to be in control, to dominate, and now he has the perfect excuse to hold the OP to ransom. I get he was upset, I get the need maybe for some help with the blended family situation but this is too much... No way. Her immaturity could be ammo for his ex or for child abuse charges or a custody case. He’s justified. 1
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 He’s justified. Justified in withholding sex till she "learns how to behave"...
Partymix19 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Justified in withholding sex till she "learns how to behave"... Would you want to **** someone that yells “what did you do to my kid” loud enough for the neighbors to hear? 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Agreed.... Older man, younger woman. Like a lot of men who source younger women he probably likes to be in control, to dominate, and now he has the perfect excuse to hold the OP to ransom. I get he was upset, I get the need maybe for some help with the blended family situation but this is too much... I agree in terms of not allowing yourself to be in a relationship where your partner is witholding affection/sex/intimacy however I understand being in a relationship where your partner cause some emotional damage and you dont feel emotionally safe to give affection/sex/intimacy TEMPORARILY women dont feel like giving sex and affection to men who are emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, manipulative, cheats....and its not because they are trying to control their man. but they dont feel love from him to be able to give love back. so it can be that way for men. however there is a such thing as taking it to far and becoming negligent towards your partner so in these cases the partner does have a right to withdraw (IMO TEMPORARILY) if the partner is causing emotional damage to the relationship and that partner is not trying to turn it around. personally I would just breakup if I felt I had to withdraw from a partner causing emotional damage. but I know many people have a hard time making the decision to breakup so they may withdraw instead. however the other person also have the right to decide if they want to stay in a relationship like that themselves. so for the Op she cant force him to snap his fingers and be affectionate. especially if she has been very dismissive. I felt like if she was humble at the beginning and not so dismissive he probably would have bounced back much quicker. and if he remained withdrawn after she wasnt dismissive and sincerely humble and apologetic and wanting to make it work then I would think he was being the toxic one for withdrawing. but thats not the case. she was pushing her own way on to him. so I get why he is so withdrawn. but I dont think he should be that way for too long. which is why I think Op should give him a timeline. whats that saying? shizit or get off the pot? none of that half bull. its either you want her or you dont. 2
lurker74 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Would you want to **** someone that yells “what did you do to my kid” loud enough for the neighbors to hear? It's entirely one thing to not eff a person with whom you are fighting. But part of the healing process in romantic relationships, assuming you have two sexual people, is the sex. It is literally designed to bond two people together, which is why human females, almost alone in the mammalian world, don't outwardly show when they're fertile (for the most part). So now that they have progressed past the fight and have steps to get back to level, most of them outlined by him, returning slowly to their previous lives is important. Withholding that causes issues in more relationships than you can count. So, no, I wouldn't want to *** someone that yells that at me, but neither would I use it - our counsel that sex be used - to ensure compliance.
Tamfana Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 3). He has concerns over my ex boyfriend - I ask why on earth would he be a factor. He said check with my daughter. I didn't push the issue further but I did ask my daughter about it...she said she told him a long time ago that sometimes my ex boyfriend sends messages while she's watching videos on the phone. I said what messages - she said the ones where he's calling me baby, beautiful, etc. I told her, I don't ever respond to those..and she said she knows and told him that too. So I don't know what exactly my boyfriend heard..but I don't reply to my ex's inappropriate messages. I do text him but only as friends. This is another problem. I'd say, yeah, your BF is patient. Perhaps the patience of a saint. Clearly there have been more problems before the bug spray incident.
rightondude Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 1) you need to tell your ex to cut out the "baby" crap if he wants to remain "friends" ... or better yet, find another friend. Your daughter should not be seeing flirty (or worse) texts while watching videos on your phone. How confusing has that got to be? 2) I am with this dude on just about everything, but the sleeping in his clothes on top of the sheet sounds like a stunt gone just a bit too far. I can see (maybe) turning down sex until everything's worked out, but that's just a little too dramatic. 3
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Justified in withholding sex till she "learns how to behave"... No. Justified in withholding sex until they deal with these relationship issues and he makes a decision about the future of the relationship. He sounds mature, wise, fair and direct with his communication. All good things... 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Having sex with her at this point ... while he's still hurting and feeling angry and betrayed ... would be disastrous. He's be violating his own heart, compromising his own emotional safety. If he tried to get intimate, most likely he'd feel nauseous and cold and he'd have to fake it. Sex is deep, tender vulnerability at this point in their relationship, and his heart is screaming, "NO Way! Do NOT let your guard down with this woman." His heart is still closed because she still has not apologized in any real way and gotten humble and looked him in he eye and expressed sadness and committed to change. Without real contrition on her part, sex (or love-making) cannot repair the betrayal--it would merely be a fig leaf. OP is fortunate. For whatever reason bf decided to go the extra mile to see if the trust can be repaired, to see if his heart can fully open again. (Maybe her mom talked to him into this step of counseling.) The irony is that she could repaired things with a contrite, humble, real apology. But that's not in her at this point. He should keep his heart closed until he hears it from her that she's going to be different. And her words have got to be accompanied by serious, authentic emotion--and some deep self understanding and humility. Right now, I think the OP will do the absolute minimum to resolve things. So he has to insist on the maximum. He should not compromise one bit in counseling until she commits to deep change.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 So, no, I wouldn't want to *** someone that yells that at me, but neither would I use it - our counsel that sex be used - to ensure compliance. I can see both sides. whats problematic is that both the op and her guy did things that I personally would not do lol. like if I felt emotionally disconnected from a man who caused some emotional damage I personally would speak up first. "babe thats not okay" and say how I felt. if he would have been dismissive and what he did was an important boundary he crossed then I would have just broken up. if there was any withdrawing from him it would probably last for only a few hours simply because im evaluating whether to breakup or not. but once I make the decision I would just pull the plug. but they live together and are responsible for kids (a decision I would not have made with someone who was just a boyfriend without proposal) so choosing to just up and break up wouldnt have been that easy. now if my boyfriend had an issue with something I did I would have 1) listen 2) humbly apologize if it was something I knew I was wrong and offer my resolution to fix my wrong or even if its something I dont feel I was wrong I would still express empathy towards how he feels, state my position respectfully, and still try to offer some sort of resolution 3) and then let him come towards me afterwards on his own. if after a prolong time he was still withdrawn then I would say something. "babe I understand your upset I hope we can come to a resolve and get back to being affectionate like we use to. is this something we can fix?" and if he still is not affectionate or unsure or even hinting towards breakup then I would have just broken up. but again they live together and are responsible for kids... so the whole withholding affection and sex thing is not something I personally believe in doing to a boyfriend. if I feel so disconnected that I dont want to touch my boyfriend past a day then he simply shouldnt be my boyfriend and wont atleast not for long. however I also believe affection/sex needs to be his choice too and I am not going to force it. I just wouldnt stay in a prolong situation where sex/affection is being withheld from me either. so many solutions and opportunities to try to turn it around for both sides. but if any of it is prolonged past necessary whether its him being withdrawn from me or him being dismissive towards my feelings I just wouldnt remain in a toxic situation like that. but thats just me
kgcolonel Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 so the whole withholding affection and sex thing is not something I personally believe in doing to a boyfriend. if I feel so disconnected that I dont want to touch my boyfriend past a day then he simply shouldnt be my boyfriend and wont atleast not for long. however I also believe affection/sex needs to be his choice too and I am not going to force it. I just wouldnt stay in a prolong situation where sex/affection is being withheld from me either. So, I normally don't chime in on these topics as much as i used to but....here goes...if anyone doesn't feel safe in a relationship and says that they're not comfortable with intimacy....how's that withholding sex...it looks like a blame shifting exercise to me. He's being honest in that she made him feel like he was not a partner in caring for her daughter and was accusatory toward him. This is a very alienating action. i am troubled with this being described as "with holding sex'.....seems very sexist to me but that's just me. (BTW, I know I'll get blasted for that but things seem to be drawn down the gender lines here.) Sorry, just being honest on this one. Secondly, i fully can see where the ex bf's comments are adding to the current bfs questioning the relationship. The daughter's possible theatrical scream and her description of the conversations regarding the ex could be spun to create the separation with the bf. Lots of cards stacked against this relationship....very sad but looks like there are several factors working against this couple. 4
kendahke Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 He's avoiding sex most likely because he knows in the middle of the act, the look on her face when she was screaming at him will come to him uninvited and make him lose his momentum and he'd rather avoid that level of embarrassment by not having sex until he has better command of this thoughts when he's on top of her. This wasn't a "you left the wet towels on the floor again and I'm pissed I'm cleaning up behind you" incident: she attacked him verbally and publicly accused of him of something he wasn't even doing for a daughter who she already knows isn't processing her divorce and single-life style dating choices well. Also, the ex boyfriend's calls, texts and conversations need to cease today. Like figure out the block feature. He is instigating trouble for OP with the child and she's not mature enough to know what's going on or how to deal with that manipulation. It's fine OP ignores it, but clearly, there have been more than one conversation that OP had no idea about until last night. There is no reason for him to be having inappropriate conversations with her about her mother because these conversations have a tinge of maliciousness about them. She is not the point person on her mother's "relationship committee: that's a role for grown girlfriends, not a child having trouble processing the break up of her family and her mother's new single dating life. Where is the child's father in all of this? Does she have a relationship with him?
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 So, I normally don't chime in on these topics as much as i used to but....here goes...if anyone doesn't feel safe in a relationship and says that they're not comfortable with intimacy....how's that withholding sex...it looks like a blame shifting exercise to me. He's being honest in that she made him feel like he was not a partner in caring for her daughter and was accusatory toward him. This is a very alienating action. i am troubled with this being described as "with holding sex'.....seems very sexist to me but that's just me. (BTW, I know I'll get blasted for that but things seem to be drawn down the gender lines here.) Sorry, just being honest on this one. Secondly, i fully can see where the ex bf's comments are adding to the current bfs questioning the relationship. The daughter's possible theatrical scream and her description of the conversations regarding the ex could be spun to create the separation with the bf. Lots of cards stacked against this relationship....very sad but looks like there are several factors working against this couple. Don’t misunderstand me. I totally understand where her bf is coming from. I was just mentioning what I would do if I was in a situation from both sides. There is a such thing as people withholding affection sex and intimacy to get what they want. Both men and women do it. Now I don’t think the bf is doing that here. I do think he is withdrawn (and rightfully so) because of how he felt emotionally and not so much to try to punish her on purpose. However I don’t think it’s right for anybody to STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP yet choose not to be affectionate and sexual with your partner FOR A PROLONGED AMOUNT OF TIME (not saying the bf is currently doing this or is going to btw). That’s not fair to your partner. If you feel that disconnected from your partner that you want to remain unaffectionate then you should just break up with them. You don’t stay with someone in an exclusive relationship where you don’t expect them to get affection and sex elsewhere yet choose to not give affection and sex. So back to Ops Bf right now I don’t think he is withholding for punishment. Right now he is focused on how he feels because op was not considerate of his feelings. But if he remains like this for a prolonged time while Op is sincerely showing actions of trying to make things right then I would say her bf would be in the wrong at that moment. Only time will tell how this will unfold.
Lotsgoingon Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 However I don’t think it’s right for anybody to STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP yet choose not to be affectionate and sexual with your partner FOR A PROLONGED AMOUNT OF TIME (not saying the bf is currently doing this or is going to btw). That’s not fair to your partner. If you feel that disconnected from your partner that you want to remain unaffectionate then you should just break up with them. You don’t stay with someone in an exclusive relationship where you don’t expect them to get affection and sex elsewhere yet choose to not give affection and sex. Curious, I take your point. I think bf just didn't have the courage to break up. But depending on the crisis in the relationship ... it's fine for couples to switch to hugs for a while ... I think that happens in affairs ... or other betrayals ... There is not enough trust for sex ... and yet the partners haven't given up on the relationship. What's unacceptable is to emotionally withdraw without stating up from that that's what you're doing. BF in this case is announcing his intention. And gf knows full well why he's not getting physical. And we're only what a week into the crisis in this relationship? Surely you don't owe your partner sex every week. For deep wounds, couples have to emotionally withdraw for a bit if they want to stay together and avoid separation. Now I do know some couples in which one partner has permanently withdrawn from sex ... this guy isn't doing that.
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 I know lots. Those points I made was referring to circumstances where I would call foul on a partner withdrawing. I agree with you that I don’t think the bf is doing that at the moment....
JuneL Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 You can view this as a semi-separation. Of course, you can choose not to accept his terms and break up. It’s very clear you moved in together way too soon. So not only does your daughter have behavioral issues, he has a son with special needs. I think he probably doesn’t want to uproot their lives again, or else he would have broken up with you. Of course, he’s responsible for putting his kids through this too. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 You can view this as a semi-separation. That's how I am seeing this, too. He's not all in anymore. He's not totally out the door, obviously, but I would bet any money he's not that far away from stepping out. Yes, he suggested a couple ways to try to make things work. I think he feels like he owes it to OP and his kids to give it a try, and I'm sure there's a part of him that wants it to work. I am not convinced his heart is really in it, though, but time will tell. The relationship is on thin ice, OP. Ask yourself if you're up for the challenge that lies ahead. 1
JuneL Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 His response demonstrates a mature and intelligent man who wants to make a clear decision about the future of his relationship, without his head clouded by sex. Let’s just say, her go-to fix it is sex. I’m sure he knows this. Perhaps, he doesn’t want to be manipulated or influenced by emotion when making a major life decision that will determine the future for him and his children. Good on him. Smart man. He might be smart now. But how smart could he be to move in together with a woman with anger issues, who has a daughter with behavioral issues, after a mere 9 months together, when he has a son with special needs? The more I read her posts, the more I think this relationship is doomed.
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 He might be smart now. But how smart could he be to move in together with a woman with anger issues, who has a daughter with behavioral issues, after a mere 9 months together, when he has a son with special needs? The more I read her posts, the more I think this relationship is doomed. You prove my point - he was swayed by the sex and the attention of a younger woman... He clearly made a hasty decision. All the more reason why he needs to take a step back and reevaluate now. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) You prove my point - he was swayed by the sex and the attention of a younger woman... He clearly made a hasty decision. All the more reason why he needs to take a step back and reevaluate now. Exactly. They are still in the evaluation stage. They aren't even engaged. This is not a marital bed. They are still individual's who have the absolute right to take a step back including physical intimacy. I do not feel that he is using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation anyway. He is hitting the reset button on the relationship as a whole and is still allowing for emotional intimacy to be repaired/develop. He seemed very loving and gentle in expressing his view about the situation. He was not abusive or demanding in anyway. He is handling this well. She is lucky so far. I think his #1 priority is his children. To him this is less about the relationship between him and her but more about making sure his children have the kind of woman who will be a good stepmother to them which requires maturity and insight. The OP failed in those two areas already. Edited June 14, 2019 by Redhead14
JuneL Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 I dunno. This guy got himself into a situation in which any option is harmful to his kids. Now they are left confused about why the happy blended family is suddenly split into 2 families living like roommates. Also, it’s odd that he told the OP to ask her daughter about the ex-boyfriend. Why would you get a little kid in the middle of their messy relationship issues? 1
OatsAndHall Posted June 14, 2019 Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) I dunno. This guy got himself into a situation in which any option is harmful to his kids. Now they are left confused about why the happy blended family is suddenly split into 2 families living like roommates. Also, it’s odd that he told the OP to ask her daughter about the ex-boyfriend. Why would you get a little kid in the middle of their messy relationship issues? Edit: I don't think that it went down verbatim as she has written. Probably more along the lines of: "Go ask your daughter why I'm concerned about your ex. She told me she's been seeing some flirty texts him". Edited June 14, 2019 by OatsAndHall 1
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