Is he over reacting?

[Versacehottie]

Another consequence of your yelling at him with those words in front of your daughter is that she seems to be playing you two off each other -- you've named two incidences. Don't get defensive about this. I'm not calling out your daughter really--she's learned this behavior from you and that it works.

 

Part of the way you could have rectified the ice cream incidence is that you could have presented a "unified front" in front of her, i.e. correcting her to be grateful and accept the "incorrect" ice cream flavor. There was a huge opportunity there that you missed--both to teach your daughter normal lessons that come with growing up and to show your bf that he IS appreciated and that you're a team. I can absolutely see why he threw the ice cream in the garbage.

 

He seems like a good guy. And it feels like you still don't get it.

[rachel1989]

Added my comments below in bold.

 

^^^^This is your issue, not him.

 

How hard do you try, though? If screaming at him "what are you doing to my daughter" is any indication, you're not trying hard enough. You publicly accused him of harming your child in front of people without finding out anything about what actually happened, so one has to wonder why you reached for and hurled this accusation first and not a question as to what was going on?

 

I try very hard, I don't routinely scream or get stressed. Ever had a bad week at your work...that's what happened here. I'm normally quite level headed.

 

You know your child is having issues with you dating and most likely, living with this man who isn't her father. Of course she's going to have problems with that. You probably should not be living with him since your first priority is to your daughter and not your libido.

 

Yes, I'm aware and we did couples counseling prior to moving in. I don't want a rotating door of men in my life/childs life and I wanted to make sure we set the stage for success hence, the couples counseling. Big advocate of that.

 

 

You owe him such a huge apology and blow job it's not even funny. I'd be disconnected, too, until you opened up a can of "act right".

 

Hmm, yeah he's rejected my advances so that's not the best course of action but I've already apologized.

 

Not sure if you read the recent post from this morning but I did offer a since apology. I don't do well with silent treatment..he knows that. I was just wanting to open the lines of communication and I overreached.

And it was an accusation. Tell yourself whatever, but the truth is: you accused him of harming your child.

 

Stop trying to get your lover back and try a little more empathy---you said some very hurtful things to him and he's not walking it off like you expect. You are not taking the damage your words did very seriously if you're thinking "oh an unexpected breakfast and a hug will fix everything". No, sometimes, it's not enough for the damage that was done. Everything you're doing is about you getting your lover back, not about having any regard for his feelings and how your words impacted him. That much is made increasingly clearer with every subsequent post.

[rachel1989]

Another consequence of your yelling at him with those words in front of your daughter is that she seems to be playing you two off each other -- you've named two incidences. Don't get defensive about this. I'm not calling out your daughter really--she's learned this behavior from you and that it works.

 

Part of the way you could have rectified the ice cream incidence is that you could have presented a "unified front" in front of her, i.e. correcting her to be grateful and accept the "incorrect" ice cream flavor. There was a huge opportunity there that you missed--both to teach your daughter normal lessons that come with growing up and to show your bf that he IS appreciated and that you're a team. I can absolutely see why he threw the ice cream in the garbage.

 

He seems like a good guy. And it feels like you still don't get it.

 

Thank you - I wish I would have thought of that approach. I suppose in the moment I was more hurt that he didn't include her on the trip to get the ice cream vs. the end result of him at least buying it. I realize I made it more uncomfortable for him unintentionally. At this point though, I'm not sure if its best I stay here tonight or perhaps give him the most space possible and stay at my parents with my daughter this evening.

[Tamfana]

Yes, I think he’s done. I think he’s realized that you two are far too different in how you treat each other, communicate and parent. Maybe if you two didn’t have kids you could build the relationship but when there are kids involved parents have to consider not only how you treat each other but also how the other parent's words, actions and parenting will affect their own kids- and whether it appears that you two could work through this.

 

This can be a kind and peaceful split. Just appreciate that you moved in together before you knew each other well enough and now it's clear you are on vastly different pages an fundamental issues. I just don't see the two of you being able to raise your kids in the same house.

 

As the responses here show, there are people that do not consider your manner and your daughter's manner problematic. So you need to find a man that is more like you and handles things like you do. The divide or difference between you and your BF has been clearer and clearer with each piece you've described since he was going to take your daughter to the park. You two just aren't compatible.

[rachel1989]

Yes, I think he’s done. I think he’s realized that you two are far too different in how you treat each other, communicate and parent. Maybe if you two didn’t have kids you could build the relationship but when there are kids involved parents have to consider not only how you treat each other but also how the other parent's words, actions and parenting will affect their own kids- and whether it appears that you two could work through this.

 

This can be a kind and peaceful split. Just appreciate that you moved in together before you knew each other well enough and now it's clear you are on vastly different pages an fundamental issues. I just don't see the two of you being able to raise your kids in the same house.

 

As the responses here show, there are people that do not consider your manner and your daughter's manner problematic. So you need to find a man that is more like you and handles things like you do. The divide or difference between you and your BF has been clearer and clearer with each piece you've described since he was going to take your daughter to the park. You two just aren't compatible.

 

Thanks for your response. I just don't know if I agree with it..hard for me to process this incident as the final straw when the past several months have been smooth sailing. Of course there's disagreements but we always worked through them and compromised and have both been very happy. I know this not only from him but from his friends and co workers who just as recently as last month told me how much he was into me and such.

 

I know what I said wasn't trivial - I just feel I should continue to fight for this but it's not real clear where he is. If he's done... say it...I'll respect it. But there was no closure from him today.

[Versacehottie]

Maybe the others know how best to deal with the where you should stay tonight. Or you might know since you know your relationship best. IMO, i would stay at home just give him space but i really don't know. I wouldn't want to create a bigger divide or contribute to making it more "serious". I would want to give him an opportunity to have things be at status quo and he could come around. If you go away, he may dig his heels in. But I really don't know.

 

I think you have to let your part of being hurt, miffed and stuff to the side. It's getting in the way of you being able to truly mend fences, like in the ice cream moment. You need to be able to see things from his point of view. BTW, i can see why he didn't take your daughter for ice cream and he did do the right thing to bring her one. Right now he doesn't want to be alone with her and is probably aware that she is part of the problem dividing you guys. You are her parent so it's your responsibility to get that under control. He's stepping back because she is not his kid and interaction with her is willy nilly & it becomes adversarial and a tense subject between the two of you.

[Versacehottie]

If this relationship is truly as serious as living together, blending your families, I don't see why you expect an immediate answer as to where you stand. Basically to be that serious to live together and mix your families there should be a lot of love and emotions there and most people don't have a grasp on that nor do they want to decide in a day what they are going to do. It's a multi-layered and complicated decision, so i don't think you should push for the quick answer. Maybe, i'm just being rational, in one way he is giving it a chance to "be better". I would take the last opportunities you have to demonstrate that it could be without pushing for an answer of "where you stand!". It's more productive IMO. Plus you will probably have less regret if it does end up falling apart.

[stillafool]

You probably should not be living with him since your first priority is to your daughter and not your libido.

 

 

 

 

Amen to this! This statement really applies to quite a few posters here.

[Tamfana]

Thanks for your response. I just don't know if I agree with it..hard for me to process this incident as the final straw when the past several months have been smooth sailing. Of course there's disagreements but we always worked through them and compromised and have both been very happy. I know this not only from him but from his friends and co workers who just as recently as last month told me how much he was into me and such.

 

I know what I said wasn't trivial - I just feel I should continue to fight for this but it's not real clear where he is. If he's done... say it...I'll respect it. But there was no closure from him today.

 

You appear to be more naturally confrontational than you are aware of, or maybe you're not aware that there are people who aren't that way or who recoil at it.

 

Even saying in your post that he should "man up" reveals a way of thinking about him (or maybe even about men? he has sons) that has a confrontational insulting edge to it. Now you're saying that if he doesn't end it the right way, your way, you will not respect him. You apologized but also made excuses for yourself. You made him breakfast but it turned out it was because you wanted something from him. You didn't reprimand your 6 year old (old enough to have manners) when she was rude about his bringing her ice cream.

 

There are people who would be on the exact same page you are, who wouldn't read or hear any of that negatively, who would not care if a parent didn't reprimand their child or whose default setting would be to yell at you if their child screamed when you were caring for him. He's not like that.

[Lotsgoingon]

Rachel,

 

I told him that I missed my partner and that I was sorry for the choice of words I used and that in retrospect I can see why you were angry about the situation.

 

Those words don't come close to a real apology--not even close. Your words are weaker than those fake-apologies that politicians issue when they get into political trouble. In fact, you're being manipulative by trying to pretend you are offering an apology without any real taking of responsibility, any real reckoning with how poisonous and toxic your words were.

 

If you are going to apologize, you have to see that your words really were poisonous. If you don't really feel that, the apology won't work... because you don't really think you did anything wrong. There is nothing to apologize for.

 

Here's a translation of your words ...

 

Sorry you're angry. I sorta get why you're angry. I miss you.

 

He's right to reject that fake apology. And yes, he was smart to give himself time to process your words... because no doubt he sensed that something was very wrong with the words. (No apology.)

 

Here's my problem... there is no f-ing way ...None!... No way that this incident is the first time that a close friend or lover told you that your language was destructive. No way. Which means apparently that you don't care what your close friends think. Major red flag.

 

Dumping you ... is really the only option ... When you get stung by someone's poison, someone who then says they don't understand why a poisonous sting would hurt, it's time to get out. He's not safe being with you.

 

You want to stop this process? Get real, get humble ... do some serious (as opposed to fake) self reflection ... If there are no tears in your eyes when you apologize you aren't doing in right (in this case). If you are not deeply humbled and embarrassed ... and afraid ... he shouldn't trust you.

[JuneL]

Poor guy I think your neighbors are busy looking up the list of child molesters on your block.

 

There’re things that once said cannot be taken back. There’s a recent thread in which the OP’s boyfriend asked why she didn’t get an injection for her butt.

[elaine567]

I would not ramp up the drama even further by going to stay with your parents tonight.

 

I may be wrong but this whole "men need space" thing is IMV a power play most of the time, an attempt to punish and control you for upsetting them.

Men can make high powered, important, flash decisions at work in less than 2 seconds but as soon as there is a woman involved it is all about sulking and needing space for hours and days "to think"... The longer he stays away in the man cave, the more grateful you are when he comes back to you...

 

Do not go away and obviously discuss this with your parents, he will just get even more defensive and as men are pretty thin skinned, then the thought of you all conspiring against him, may send him further away...

Act normal, no too obvious bribes with food and sex, though it seems this morning you almost cracked him with the breakfast but then you ruined it with the "we need to talk" and the "blatant offer of sex". People tend not to like being railroaded. He turned and ran as soon as it was obvious that the

lovely breakfast was a trap

Had he accused you in front of the neighbours, of abusing his son would offering you a nice meal and some shower sex work? I guess not.

You need to act normal and hopefully he will slide back into line. If you push him either way, too clingy, too smothering, too sorry, or back so far off he thinks you have given up, he will continue down this sulky path to punish you...

 

Of course, we don't know him, some men have little tolerance for drama and arguments, so this may indeed be "it" for him.

[Gaeta]

I may be wrong but this whole "men need space" thing is IMV a power play most of the time, an attempt to punish and control you for upsetting them. .

Ask men, you'll get the right answer.

[BaileyB]

I still think there is more going on here than you are aware. As hurtful as your words were, I find it difficult to believe that he would chose to end an otherwise strong relationship because of one incident.

 

Do you think he would consider counselling? Perhaps you could make the suggestion, I’d like to think that he would be willing to try and make amends before uprooting all these children - again.

 

I’m sorry Rachel. This is hard.

Edited June 11, 2019 by BaileyB

[GorillaTheater]

I may be wrong but this whole "men need space" thing is IMV a power play most of the time, an attempt to punish and control you for upsetting them.

Men can make high powered, important, flash decisions at work

 

I'd say you're wrong. The difference between the two scenarios is one of emotion. If it's an emotional event, I guess especially if I feel hurt, my initial response is going to be anger. I've lived long enough to know that I don't want to react out of anger, so I need time to process and calm down.

 

I'm thinking that I'm not atypical in that regard.

[Mrin]

Do not go away and obviously discuss this with your parents, he will just get even more defensive and as men are pretty thin skinned, then the thought of you all conspiring against him, may send him further away...

Act normal, no too obvious bribes with food and sex, though it seems this morning you almost cracked him with the breakfast but then you ruined it with the "we need to talk" and the "blatant offer of sex". People tend not to like being railroaded. He turned and ran as soon as it was obvious that the

lovely breakfast was a trap

Had he accused you in front of the neighbours, of abusing his son would offering you a nice meal and some shower sex work? I guess not.

You need to act normal and hopefully he will slide back into line. If you push him either way, too clingy, too smothering, too sorry, or back so far off he thinks you have given up, he will continue down this sulky path to punish you...

 

Of course, we don't know him, some men have little tolerance for drama and arguments, so this may indeed be "it" for him.

 

I agree with everything here. Just give him space but don't leave. Just be low drag. Give him a day or two of this. If it drags on longer then you might as well have a come to Jesus meeting and get it over with.

[JuneL]

I still think there is more going on here than you are aware. As hurtful as your words were, I find it difficult to believe that he would chose to end an otherwise strong relationship because of one incident.

 

 

Did you not see the “more going on” part from her other posts?

[Gaeta]

I still think there is more going on here than you are aware. As hurtful as your words were, I find it difficult to believe that he would chose to end an otherwise strong relationship because of one incident.

 

Do you think he would consider counselling? Perhaps you could make the suggestion, I’d like to think that he would be willing to try and make amends before uprooting all these children - again.

 

I’m sorry Rachel. This is hard.

 

 

They moved in together only 3 months ago there is no uprooting. They should all go back to what life was before. Stay in your separate homes, priorities your children, and take time to date another 2-3 years.

 

To me OP comes across as a young woman with emotional maturity to do and he probably got infatuated with the love of a younger woman and rushed in like a fool.

 

 

 

 

.

[damni]

Sorry but what else is OP suppose to do? this has been going on for 4 days now. She has apologised and he rebuffed her advances and is making passive aggressive statements about ending the relationship to her AND her 6 year old daughter.

 

If he wants to end it, end it. He is punishing the OP and her daughter.

 

I can understand OP outburst, she was stressed at work and she was concerned about her daughter. I have a 7 year old daughter and a boyfriend, I have made remarks to my boyfriend in regards to my child.

 

When you are a single mom, you are on alert when a man enters your life who is not the biological father. I love my boyfriend but I still have my boundaries and he accepts this, he knows I can be a momma bear BUT he respects that.

 

For us, if this exact situation happened it would NOT be a deal breaker in the relationship. We would talk about it.

 

He is either being manipulative and making a power play OR he has been having issues with the OP and her daughter for a long time and this incident has just brought it to the forefront.

 

OP do not go running after him or beg him for attention. You have apologised and this is a major overreaction at this point.

 

I would be more concerned that he is taking this situation out on your daughter. He has no right to do that. I personally would be angry that he was making those comments to your child and leaving her out.

[Tamfana]

I think he has already broken up with her: "You're an amazing woman and what we had was working so well but you don't trust me and what trust we did have you torpedoed and I don't see how it can be rebuilt." She didn't hear it as a breakup even though she noticed his use of past tense.

[BaileyB]

They moved in together only 3 months ago there is no uprooting. They should all go back to what life was before. Stay in your separate homes, priorities your children, and take time to date another 2-3 years.

 

To me OP comes across as a young woman with emotional maturity to do and he probably got infatuated with the love of a younger woman and rushed in like a fool.

 

To me, moving in together and blending your families is a huge transition... to then move out of the home and separate the children only three months later is another huge disruption - so yes, I would say that’s “uprooting” - particularly if one partner has sold their home and doesn’t have a home to return too (perhaps I missed this, not sure what the housing situation is here).

 

I certainly agree that nine months is too soon to move in - particularly when there are children involved.

 

As the “other issues” I was referring to the possibility that there were other issues with communication and conflict negotiation. Although truthfully, this relationship is still very much in the honeymoon phase so perhaps this first bump is a big one! He has seen you in a different way OP, and it’s been startling.

 

Still, I have empathy for you because I do think he has broken up with you and that is hard. If you have any hope, I would lay low for a few days and perhaps suggest mediation with a third party (marriage or family counsellor). Although, considering that this is still a new relationship he may decide that it’s better to leave than try to work it out - he’s not as invested and he needs to protect/put his children’s best interest first.

[Redhead14]

Tamfana is right. He has already broken up with her with that statement. It's over. And, if not, it should be and not entirely because of the behavior but because of the lack of understanding and ability to empathize and apologize. It suggests to me that she has done this before and doesn't think it's a problem ever. That kind of behavior would be a deal breaker for me. I'd bet money that he is thinking about his kids being around for those kinds of outbursts. Sure, people get mad and yell but they understand its wrong and they are remorseful. She isn't.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he has already broken up with her: "You're an amazing woman and what we had was working so well but you don't trust me and what trust we did have you torpedoed and I don't see how it can be rebuilt." She didn't hear it as a breakup even though she noticed his use of past tense.

 

That's exactly how I interpreted that, too.

 

I think he is trying to figure out the logistics of a break-up before he comes right out and says it's finished, but I would not be surprised if that is what's coming within the next few days.

[Gretchen12]

You owe him a sincere apology. As soon as those words came out of your mouth you should have been horrified. You should have begged for forgiveness, but instead you ask if he overreacted?!

[Lotsgoingon]

I think he is trying to figure out the logistics of a break-up before he comes right out and says it's finished, but I would not be surprised if that is what's coming within the next few days.

 

I also think he's trying to figure out what to say without cursing out the OP in the most profane language there is ... He's also quietly processing disappointment and a severe cut and sting of betrayal ...

 

He's thinking how did I end up with this person who has no basic manners and doesn't know how to treat people? He's devastated that he's so misread her. Devastated that his interest in her was wasted.

 

It's no surprise he hasn't said much--there's a massive traffic jam going on in his head right now. And he's a man who doesn't want to lash out because nothing good is gonna come out of his mouth if he lets it all out.