Is he over reacting?

[rightondude]

What did YOU (some enemy) DO (harm) to MY (not your) DAUGHTER (child abuser)? he feels betrayed by someone who's supposed to be his partner. You seem to have some anger/prioritization issues and I'm guessing have a tough time ever truly admitting you're wrong. Have you also ever criticized him in public? Have you yelled at your daughter previously for interrupting your work?

 

Sorry, sounds a lot like my ex. Every time I would take offense to something said like this, I was just being "too sensitive" ... and I just eventually ended up shutting down like this guy did.

 

Dig deep into your interactions. Has this type of thing happened before?

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I don't think he was overreacting.

 

Your question was incredibly accusatory and loaded. And your daughter obviously isn't happy with this whole dynamic.

 

Sorry OP, but I think he is re-evaluating your relationship. This episode brought to light some unspoken issues between you two and he is wondering if this is really a viable situation for all of you.

[JuneL]

I agree 100% with Versacehottie on this. In addition, you shouldn’t have yelled at your daughter just because you’re stressed. I also wouldn’t blame him for not taking your daughter to the summer camp. Who knows, you might accuse him of molesting her one day.

[unevenXchange]

Nope. I do think you overreacted though.

[chillii]

l dunno what all the stuff about where do we go from here or you regret moving in with me and blah blah was coming from.

He was right saying the only you whatever thing l mean why were you even talking like that it was only one thing.

You give it a few days to settle down and make sure he knows you trust him with her and you weren't suggesting anything bad and ra ra. which is gonna take a bit of time.

He was very very offended in his eyes you don't trust him and flew straight to assuming accusations, and not a good one at all either when it comes to a mother and daughter and him.

 

You should know and trust him and gone out and joined him is settling her down , tried to get her giggling again and stuff, turn it into lighthearted and help her with the sting or whatever "together."

So yeah , he's fkd off, give it time, and make sure he knows you didn't mean it how it sounded.

Edited June 10, 2019 by chillii

[BaileyB]

You would have tossed a year long relationship for this? I just can't see myself doing that and hope he doesn't. People seem so quick to give up on things nowadays.

 

It's hard to make up with him when he won't have me around.

 

No, I wouldn’t toss a relationship over this, but I wouldn’t want to cuddle or be with you for a while either...

 

While I can appreciate and understand that you were stressed and you snapped, your choice of words were very concerning. As others have said, very accusatory and really unfortunate - in front of another person.

 

I would have left too, for fear that the neighbour would call CFS.

 

Have you apologized to him for your comment? If you haven’t, that’s where you start. Give him some time and be sure that he knows - you made a mistake and you appreciate his effort.

[BaileyB]

"what did YOU do to MY daughter?"

 

Two issues -

1)what did YOU do? Accusatory, straight for the jugular - this is YOUR fault...

 

2) to MY daughter - possessive and discounting the blended family you are building. When the chips were down you were not a team, you made that perfectly clear. He has now retreated to the position of HIS kids and YOUR kid...

 

Bingo. That kind of language doesn’t speak to a “partnership” with someone you love and trust...

[Lotsgoingon]

Your language is a major red fag for anyone dating you.

 

If this is how you talk when someone is doing you a very generous favor, OMG, how are you going to talk when the other person makes a genuine human mistake? "Why did you wreck my car?" .... "Why'd you get in a traffic jam that made you late and messed up everyone's evening?"

 

This kind of issue I would not negotiate. You either back down or I'm gone.

 

You don't see the difference? ... really between:

 

Hey, what happened? vs. ... What did you do to my daughter?

 

Or ...

 

Hey guys, what's wrong? Did a bee sting you? vs. ... What did you do to my daughter?

 

You don't see any difference?

 

I'll give the (slightly exaggerated) equivalent of what you said to bf.

 

What if ... instead of simply offering to take your daughter to the park ... what if bf had said, "Since you can't be an adequate mother right now, and you apparently are too disorganized to plan your work and your parental responsibilities, and since you're leaving your daughter unsupervised because of your incompetence, do you want me to take your daughter to the park?"

 

All the accusation in my translation is actually in the question you asked him, even without so many words.

 

Red flag that you talk like this ... Bigger red flag that you genuinely don't see the problem. Him being withdrawn ... totally understandable. Your language destroyed a year of growing trust in one sentence. You're fortunate he is speaking to you at all ... and hasn't dumped you.

Edited June 10, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[rachel1989]

well..as it was said before by someone's post on here, it sounds like he's mainly focused on his kids now.

 

He came home with ice cream but did not extend an invite or bring my daughter with his kids when they got the ice cream. He did however bring my daughter an ice cream cup. Unfortunately it wasn't the flavor my daughter wanted.

 

She was upset that it wasn't the flavor she wanted and he walked over and took the ice cream cup that was on the table he purchased and put it in the trash and took his boys to the park.

 

I told him I appreciated the gesture and he just said "yeah".

 

I need to talk to him but unsure how to open the lines of communication. He must still care about me and my daughter right....for him to think about purchasing her ice cream without any prompting on my part?

[Ruby Slippers]

Has there been any discussion with the children about the decision to shack up? I get the sense the kid is worried about an uncertain future, wondering if you're going to get married or he might take off someday.

[JuneL]

If I have to guess, he’s probably fed up with your daughter’s princess attitude (including her screaming for nothing when he sprayed her arm), and your awful accusation was the last straw.

[BaileyB]

He didn’t ask your daughter to go along and get the ice cream?

 

It was nice that he brought her ice cream. But, he can’t really come home with ice cream for his kids and not your daughter. I mean, that’s just the kind and considerate thing to do - and you’ve already said he was kind and considerate. His response when she didn’t like the ice cream is telling. It tells me that something is really wrong - either he is frustrated with your daughter or he is still fuming about your comment and the fact that you haven’t apologized.

 

I feel like there is some unspoken tension here - how does your daughter get along with this man and his children? Do you have a lot of other conflict with this man in your relationship? How is your communication - is this lack of communication and conflict indicative of the rest of your relationship?

Edited June 11, 2019 by BaileyB

[rightondude]

I need to talk to him but unsure how to open the lines of communication. He must still care about me and my daughter right....for him to think about purchasing her ice cream without any prompting on my part?

 

A good opener would be "hey, I think we need to clear the air here and make sure we're on the same page. But first I need to apologize for my stupid over reactive comment the other day. Of course I know you would never "do anything" to (daughter's name) out of malice and I am sorry I phrased it like that. I realize how that must have upset you. Now, can we try to move past this and discuss anything else that may be troubling you?"

[rachel1989]

He didn’t ask your daughter to go along and get the ice cream?

 

It was nice that he brought her ice cream. But, he can’t really come home with ice cream for his kids and not your daughter. I mean, that’s just the kind and considerate thing to do - and you’ve already said he was kind and considerate. His response when she didn’t like the ice cream is telling. It tells me that something is really wrong - either he is frustrated with your daughter or he is still fuming about your comment and the fact that you haven’t apologized.

 

I feel like there is some unspoken tension here - how does your daughter get along with this man and his children? Do you have a lot of other conflict with this man in your relationship? How is your communication - is this lack of communication and conflict indicative of the rest of your relationship?

 

I'm not aware of any other tension. All the kids get along really well - they miss each other when they aren't around together. I really couldn't have asked for anything better with regards to how the kids interact.

 

I just don't get why he's still in this mood and excluding her. This is the largest fight (and only the second or perhaps third) in a year of being together.

[BaileyB]

I'm not aware of any other tension. All the kids get along really well - they miss each other when they aren't around together. I really couldn't have asked for anything better with regards to how the kids interact.

 

I just don't get why he's still in this mood and excluding her. This is the largest fight (and only the second or perhaps third) in a year of being together.

 

Have you actually apologized? Have you asked him how he is feeling, listened without talking, and then admitted to him that your words were harsh and you are sorry about that? Have you told him what you’ve said here - that he is a good and generous man, a wonderful father, that you appreciate all the BIG and little things that he does for your daughter, and that you value his efforts and the blended family that you are creating together?

 

Call me crazy, but I think a little humility will go a long way here... You have hurt this man, so you will need to be vulnerable to heal this.

[rightondude]

Have you actually apologized? Have you asked him how he is feeling, listened without talking, and then admitted to him that your words were harsh and you are sorry about that? Have you told him what you’ve said here - that he is a good and generous man, a wonderful father, that you appreciate all the BIG and little things that he does for your daughter, and that you value his efforts and the blended family that you are creating together?

 

Call me crazy, but I think a little humility will go a long way here... You have hurt this man, so you will need to be vulnerable to heal this.

 

I am reading way too much into this thread, but it rings so true in my past experience that there are some people out there who will NEVER apologize for anything they've done. My father. My Ex. Donald Trump. They consider this to be a sign of weakness. When in fact, it is quite a sign of strength to offer a _genuine_ apology when one is needed. It shows you recognize failure in yourself and are working to improve (and get stronger).

 

I would never deal with a person like this willingly ever again. They have no ability for empathy because in their mind, they've never done anything wrong. Don't be one of these people, OP.

[Lotsgoingon]

I am reading way too much into this thread, but it rings so true in my past experience that there are some people out there who will NEVER apologize for anything they've done. My father. My Ex. Donald Trump. They consider this to be a sign of weakness. When in fact, it is quite a sign of strength to offer a _genuine_ apology when one is needed. It shows you recognize failure in yourself and are working to improve (and get stronger).

 

I would never deal with a person like this willingly ever again. They have no ability for empathy because in their mind, they've never done anything wrong. Don't be one of these people, OP.

 

You speak the truth rightondude. I have a buddy whose partner never apologizes ... In a way it's a bullying technique ... you stay with someone who doesn't apologize, you will be bullied. My buddy is definitely bullied by his wife. And of course, he could stand up to her, but for whatever reason, he doesn't.

[elaine567]

@Lotsgoingon

When a person never apologises it is like fighting against a brick wall.

Your buddy can't stand up to her because there is no point, she is always right and she will not back down anyway even if he is proved to be right.

If you never apologise you can get away with doing and saying almost anything, as those around you tend to give up and you always get your own way...

[Redhead14]

I'm not aware of any other tension. All the kids get along really well - they miss each other when they aren't around together. I really couldn't have asked for anything better with regards to how the kids interact.

 

I just don't get why he's still in this mood and excluding her. This is the largest fight (and only the second or perhaps third) in a year of being together.

 

 

I'd say he "excluded" her from going with them because he's a little gun shy now. I mean, if anything happened to her while in his care, is he going to be bashed and accused again? You opened a deep wound and it will be a sore spot for a while.

 

What you said is and should be a problem. I don't think you should apologize because you clearly do not understand why what you said was wrong so it would be an empty apology.

 

You're whining about him being shut down over this, when you're doing pretty much the same thing -- refusing to address it maturely and own up to what you did. One of you needs to "man up" and address the situation. You caused it, you need to start the amends process.

[BaileyB]

I'd say he "excluded" her from going with them because he's a little gun shy now. I mean, if anything happened to her while in his care, is he going to be bashed and accused again?

 

You caused it, you need to start the amends process.

 

I agree.

 

To apologize, you will have to humble yourself. Only do that if you mean it. Do you understand that your words were like a sword - they cut to the core? An apology is required here, but anything less than a sincere and humble apology will only make this worse.

Edited June 11, 2019 by BaileyB

[rachel1989]

Good Morning - well, first I want to say thanks for all the comments and advice received.

 

Secondly, I tried to amend things and apologize this morning but didn't get very far but I haven't given up.

 

I made him breakfast this morning (he's usually an early morning person) and the smell of everything cooking got him off the couch. He hasn't slept in the same bed with me since Friday evening.

 

I had a plate made with everything on it that he'd normally enjoy and he sat down at the table and started to eat silently. I grabbed a plate and sat next to him and put my arm around him and said I need to talk to you. I should have waited until after he was done eating breakfast but I felt if I waited I'd miss an opportunity to talk to him again. At least he was near me now, kids were asleep.

 

He said ok, I told him that I missed my partner and that I was sorry for the choice of words I used and that in retrospect I can see why you were angry about the situation. I told him I will choose my words more carefully and that I've simply been stressed at work the past few weeks and was in a hurry and angry and was not calm. I asked him to tell me what he's thinking and feeling and he said right now he's hungry and wants to eat and think about what I said. I told him what do you mean you want to think, I want to talk about things before you go to work. He said rudely "I can't even get a few minutes to process what you told me nor can I finish a nice breakfast"

 

I can't do anything right lately...so mad at myself.

 

He throws what's left of his breakfast...practiclly full plate in the trash and goes to the shower. This may be TMI... but early into the relationship we always cuddled and talked in the shower and such. I thought I'd join him and perhaps we could talk and perhaps reconnect a bit.

 

He gets in the shower and I open the bathroom door....it wasn't locked...if it was, I wouldn't have gone it. I go into the bathroom, and get into the shower... he doesn't stop me or say anything. I put my arms around him and he puts his around me and says words I will probably never forget....

 

You're an amazing woman and what we had was working so well but you don't trust me and what trust we did have you torpedoed and I don't see how it can be rebuilt.

 

I started to reply and he slowly starts to shake his head back and forth like a no and I say I just want to talk. He said can you please leave the bathroom I need to get ready and I didn't sleep well and my head hurts.

 

I leave the bathroom and shortly after he leaves for work and takes his boys to the summer camp. I ask my daughter if he said anything to her before he left and she said yes. According to her he said - I hope you and my boys can remain friends.

 

Is he done with this relationship? If so, why not just man up and tell me why the gray area. I am so hurt and confused and want to call him so badly..... I keep dialing his number in my phone but never complete the call....

[stillafool]

[quote=rachel1989;7808184

 

 

 

 

He said ok, I told him that I missed my partner and that I was sorry for the choice of words I used and that in retrospect I can see why you were angry about the situation. I told him I will choose my words more carefully and that I've simply been stressed at work the past few weeks and was in a hurry and angry and was not calm. I asked him to tell me what he's thinking and feeling and he said right now he's hungry and wants to eat and think about what I said. I told him what do you mean you want to think, I want to talk about things before you go to work. He said rudely "I can't even get a few minutes to process what you told me nor can I finish a nice breakfast"

 

 

Why does everything have to be done on your time line? Why didn't you just let him finish his meal and process what you said then get back to you with an answer. Yes it seems like he's done with you. I'm sorry.

[Gaeta]

Rachel I am sorry for what you're going through. While I was reading your story I was reminded of myself when I was a young wife and doing everything wrong because I had no clue men required trust, respect, space and patience.

 

Words hurt. They make and break relationships. It sounds like your boyfriend had built a lot of resentment and this incident made him take the big decision to leave.

 

Moving in together after so little time was both your first mistake. You didn't take time to build a solid ground before building on it. When you don't take time to build a solid ground then you cannot withstand the storms life throws at you.

 

I think one of your big mistake here was to insist on talking to him when he was not ready. That usually backfires. Men don't manage their emotions like us women. You need to give them space and let them get back to you.

 

From here leave him be, do not try to start conversations, he may have said it was over because he felt pressure to talk when he was not ready. Let him think.

 

 

 

 

.

Edited June 11, 2019 by Gaeta

[kendahke]

I know my daughter is a handful..she's made rude comments to him before and I try to correct it. I think she has an issue that I'm dating again. .

 

^^^^This is your issue, not him.

 

How hard do you try, though? If screaming at him "what are you doing to my daughter" is any indication, you're not trying hard enough. You publicly accused him of harming your child in front of people without finding out anything about what actually happened, so one has to wonder why you reached for and hurled this accusation first and not a question as to what was going on?

 

You know your child is having issues with you dating and most likely, living with this man who isn't her father. Of course she's going to have problems with that. You probably should not be living with him since your first priority is to your daughter and not your libido.

 

I think the comments coupled with the scenario that occurred on Friday has been too much for him and he's disconnecting..

 

You owe him such a huge apology and blow job it's not even funny. I'd be disconnected, too, until you opened up a can of "act right".

 

And it was an accusation. Tell yourself whatever, but the truth is: you accused him of harming your child.

 

Stop trying to get your lover back and try a little more empathy---you said some very hurtful things to him and he's not walking it off like you expect. You are not taking the damage your words did very seriously if you're thinking "oh an unexpected breakfast and a hug will fix everything". No, sometimes, it's not enough for the damage that was done. Everything you're doing is about you getting your lover back, not about having any regard for his feelings and how your words impacted him. That much is made increasingly clearer with every subsequent post.

Edited June 11, 2019 by kendahke

[kendahke]

Is he done with this relationship? If so, why not just man up and tell me why the gray area. I am so hurt and confused and want to call him so badly..... I keep dialing his number in my phone but never complete the call....

 

If he's not done, he's on his way to being done. That's not an easy thing to walk off.