rachel1989 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 Hello, First time user here, tho I've read this site off and on for over a year or so. Looks like this time, I'll be needing to ask for some advice... Background: Dating an older man, he's 40 (I'm 30) divorced and has two kids (6 and 8). One of which has special needs. He's a great dad to his kids, hard worker and a pretty stand up guy. My family adores him, my friends like him and he's social with folks which is nice. I'm really lucky to have him and I try to make sure he knows I appreciate everything he does. We've been together for slightly more than a year. I'm divorced also, and have one child who is 6. We've been living together now for about 3 months. Problem: This past Friday I was working late from home and stressed out. My daughter kept asking for my attention and I kept asking her to go play and that I needed to work. Eventually I lost my cool and started yelling that I needed to work. My boyfriend (he did not have his kids this past week) came into the room and said let me take her to the park and you can finish working. I thanked him and he told me he wanted to get some bug spray so we wouldn't be eaten alive by mosquitos. They went outside and he sprayed the spray on her arms and apparently she had a cut there. She was screaming and crying from the burning...this happened right outside the window where I was trying to get work done. I jumped out of the chair and opened the front door and said something that probably wasn't good. I said quite loud, "what did you do to my daughter!" unknown to me...a neighbor was walking on the sidewalk and stopped and starred. We all went back inside and he said..forget it...you can take her. He got in his car and went to the gym and I took her to the park. He was very quiet when he got home and went right to the couch and turned on the TV. I tried to talk to him about what occurred and he brushed me off. I sat on the other side of the couch (daughter was asleep by this time in her own room) and I tried to snuggle and kiss him... he rejected my advances. I've never known a man to reject me. He said he was tired and just wanted to be left alone. I went into the main bedroom and tried to sleep but couldn't. A few hours later I go back into the living room and see a glare from his cell phone on. This was at midnight....I quietly went into the room (don't think he heard me) and walked up behind him and he's playing some online poker or some kind of card game on his phone. I ask him to talk to me and he said some comments that I'm having a hard time reconciling. 1). I asked him what happened outside, he said that's the correct way to ask the question. Not, "what did you do to my daughter" while yelling it. He explained the bug spray and the cut that was on her arm. He said it was embarrassing and that he believes that I should have been more calm and not so accusatory. 2) I asked him why he decided to throw his arms up and say he's not taking her to the park after he said he would. He said he didn't want her yelling in pain again and the potential for another scene. He said he was trying to do me a favor and that it blew up in his face. I told him you can't simply avoid taking her places in the future and he said he'll worry about that later. 3) I asked him why he rejected me... he said he's mad, and wants to cool off and that he was tired. I asked him if I could just lay next to him on the couch (I want to at least physically be in the same room as him) and he said no. In the morning he was a little more talkative but not really. He basically said: If you believe I'd intentionally hurt your daughter than you don't know me very well. I told him I feel that perhaps he regrets us moving in and he got angry saying only you would somehow combine the two events. I asked him where do we go from here... He said he doesn't know. Summary: My boyfriend and I rarely fight but this was a big one. I know my daughter is a handful..she's made rude comments to him before and I try to correct it. I think she has an issue that I'm dating again. I think the comments coupled with the scenario that occurred on Friday has been too much for him and he's disconnecting... Lost...but thanks for any advice.
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 You were on edge & you bit his head off. It was outside & a neighbor heard. He was probably terrified that the neighbor was going to call the police & report him for child abuse. He got out of there. Both of you contributed to this problem. You both overreacted. Assure him that you KNOW he would never intentionally hurt your daughter. Tell him that you want him to stay & you love it. Apologize. Make his favorite meal & offer up some great make up sex. Learn to count to 10 when you are upset. 3
FMW Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 I think she has an issue that I'm dating again. You aren't just dating, you're living together. SHE has to live with him as well, so it's not unusual she might have issues with that. But to your question about your bf, your accusatory tone and words and the embarrassment of having a witness to it all were understandably a big deal for him. Things we blurt out often reveal hidden thoughts and views - do you have concerns about him with your daughter? I can see why he would need to step back and reconsider your relationship. Give him a little time and keep trying to reassure him you trust him (if you do). But this might be something he doesn't get past. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 "what did you do to my daughter!" I'm a little concerned about why you "defaulted" to wording it that way in anger. Is there some underlying/unresolved animosity between you two regarding parenting each other's children? 2
Kelliousme Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 I can't really say he's over reacting because I would've responded the same way. Because, IMO, it's odd that you reacted the way you did when you heard your daughter screaming. If I were you, my initial reaction would be exactly as how your boyfriend would've preferred it: remain calm and ask "what happened?". ESP if I know my boyfriend is a kind hearted decent man. He knew you were stressed. He offered to take your daughter out and babysit. The last thing you can do to him is accuse him of harming your daughter, screaming something like that in public in front of your neighbors. His reaction/him being upset with you is very understandable. But hey.. at least he's still sticking around? It honestly would've been a red flag for me. I would've just packed my bags and left. Yeah, make him some food and apologize. :D:D 1
Author rachel1989 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Posted June 10, 2019 I'm a little concerned about why you "defaulted" to wording it that way in anger. Is there some underlying/unresolved animosity between you two regarding parenting each other's children? I really didn't mean anything more than just what happened here. I sort of see his concern with the wording but not really. What happened here? vs What did you do to my daughter - both seem accurate but he clearly took issue with the latter. We've actually been fine and without issue with the parenting of each other's children until this event.
Author rachel1989 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Posted June 10, 2019 (edited) I can't really say he's over reacting because I would've responded the same way. Because, IMO, it's odd that you reacted the way you did when you heard your daughter screaming. If I were you, my initial reaction would be exactly as how your boyfriend would've preferred it: remain calm and ask "what happened?". ESP if I know my boyfriend is a kind hearted decent man. He knew you were stressed. He offered to take your daughter out and babysit. The last thing you can do to him is accuse him of harming your daughter, screaming something like that in public in front of your neighbors. His reaction/him being upset with you is very understandable. But hey.. at least he's still sticking around? It honestly would've been a red flag for me. I would've just packed my bags and left. Yeah, make him some food and apologize. :D:D You would have tossed a year long relationship for this? I just can't see myself doing that and hope he doesn't. People seem so quick to give up on things nowadays. It's hard to make up with him when he won't have me around. His being tired sounds like a flimsy excuse when he was playing poker on his cell phone at midnight. Edited June 10, 2019 by rachel1989
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 When I read "what did you do to my daughter"?, it was a "record scratch" for me just seeing it. I'd choose my words very carefully in the future. I totally understand how this would make him feel. It's not a good feeling especially if he's been treating her and viewing her like one of his own. He probably felt a little like some stranger being accused of doing something to your daughter rather than a trusted boyfriend who lives with you, has children of his own and you know wouldn't hurt a hair on her head (intentionally). I get why it hurt him. He's been stonewalling you though in terms of reconciling, which is immature. And, that needs to be addressed as well. I'd let him have a little space for a bit though. Each go to your corners for a bit and then sit down with him and work on a calmly addressing the issues and both offering apologies and solutions for dealing with conflict in the future. 1
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 (edited) This has nothing to do with parenting...this is about your harsh accusation. It hit him to the core. It questions him as a man, as a person, as a partner. He wonders how you actually see him, or if you even trust him. It insulted him especially you asking for affection when he was hurting...it's like you were brushing off how he feels, which made things even worse. He needs time and space to have a think because that is what most men need to do. Edited June 10, 2019 by smackie9 4
Author rachel1989 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Posted June 10, 2019 This has nothing to do with parenting...this is about your harsh accusation. It hit him to the core. It questions him as a man, as a person, as a partner. He wonders how you actually see him, or if you even trust him. It insulted him especially you asking for affection when he was hurting...it's like you were brushing off how he feels, which made things even worse. He needs time and space to have a think because that is what most men need to do. It wasn't an accusation, it was a question... I didn't have all the facts and wanted to know what happened. Clearly I didn't use the best words to ask the question..I mean if a board fell on her head I'd know what occurred. Him standing there with her arm in his hand wasn't as clear to me on what occured. I knew he was spraying her with the bug spray. It's been 2.5 days and it's a stalemate. This all occurred on Friday evening. On weekdays he usually takes her and his kids to the summer camp they go to. He left this morning and simply said hope work goes well. He didn't volunteer to take her so I did. on the way to summer camp, my daughter said that "I hope he sleeps in the other room tonight so I get more time with you" and that brought me to tears.
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 on the way to summer camp, my daughter said that "I hope he sleeps in the other room tonight so I get more time with you" and that brought me to tears. Oh boy. Based on that statement alone you need to give some thought to whether your beloved child over-reacted about the pain of the bug spray in her cut to get a reaction out of you. She is clearly not happy about your guy's presence in her home. You best set her straight about who the parent is & who makes the decisions about mommy's love life. 6
damni Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 It wasn't an accusation, it was a question... I didn't have all the facts and wanted to know what happened. Clearly I didn't use the best words to ask the question..I mean if a board fell on her head I'd know what occurred. Him standing there with her arm in his hand wasn't as clear to me on what occured. I knew he was spraying her with the bug spray. It's been 2.5 days and it's a stalemate. This all occurred on Friday evening. On weekdays he usually takes her and his kids to the summer camp they go to. He left this morning and simply said hope work goes well. He didn't volunteer to take her so I did. on the way to summer camp, my daughter said that "I hope he sleeps in the other room tonight so I get more time with you" and that brought me to tears. I can understand why he was offended but to let this carry on for 3 days and taking it out on your daughter is not sitting well with me. You need to have a sit down conversation with him to air this all out. 2
GorillaTheater Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 It wasn't an accusation, it was a question... It was both, a somewhat different take on the classic question "have you stopped beating your wife" because the accusation is clearly implicit (or not so implicit) in the question. If directed at me, I'd certainly feel that I was being accused of abusing your child. What he needs to do, though, is either reconcile or not. It's starting to feel a little passive-aggressive on his end. 3
Versacehottie Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 I don't think he's overreacting. I think you did and now he's shutting down because of what you did first. It's odd to me that your question is if HE is overreacting. Can you not see that it is what you did that set of the chain reaction? You both need to work on better communication skills. You not to lash out or mischaracterize what is going on. People need to be careful with how they talk to their loved ones or it will hurt them and damage the relationship as it appears to have done in this case. He is feeling under appreciated, misunderstood and your stress is directed his way. His shutting down needs work. That said, it's a common reaction from someone who was subject to what you did and perhaps he just needs some cooling off time--which IS fair. To me, it's so much more on you and this is the problem with lashing out: you can't expect others to get right back on board like nothing happened when you are ready to play nice when SOMETHING happened. If you want to communicate better, apology should start with you and use it as a way to build up better skills yourself and as a couple. Good luck 4
Mrin Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 It wasn't an accusation, it was a question... I didn't have all the facts and wanted to know what happened. Clearly I didn't use the best words to ask the question..I mean if a board fell on her head I'd know what occurred. Him standing there with her arm in his hand wasn't as clear to me on what occured. I knew he was spraying her with the bug spray. It's been 2.5 days and it's a stalemate. This all occurred on Friday evening. On weekdays he usually takes her and his kids to the summer camp they go to. He left this morning and simply said hope work goes well. He didn't volunteer to take her so I did. on the way to summer camp, my daughter said that "I hope he sleeps in the other room tonight so I get more time with you" and that brought me to tears. You're still not getting it. I can see why he is reacting the way he his. If this is more of a pattern of your behavior rather than a single incident I suspect he is seriously evaluating whether he's made a mistake with this relationship. If it is a single incident, maybe it will clear up in a bit. Either way, let him cool off. 6
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 In my opinion Op you should have humbled your self as soon as he explained what happened. You should have said “honey I apologize for yelling like that. You are right I should have asked what happened instead of responding the way that I did” Left it at that and give him some space and let him come back towards you when he felt ready to be affectionate again If after a reasonable amount of time he is still giving silent treatment and not being affectionate then there would be cause to have to have a talk about what’s going on with the relationship Your post does come off that you don’t understand how he feels and is only concerned about how you feel 9
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 ^^^^ Bingo I second that^^^IMO owning it will be the only way to smooth things over. 1
salparadise Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 You lost your cool and yelled at your daughter because she wanted your attention. You yelled at your bf when he was trying to help, and implied that he would be capable of hurting her with intent. You tried to ignore/discount his feelings and rug-sweep the whole thing, and seem to think it was wrong of him to reject your advances. You tried to escalate it to a full relationship issue by saying that you think he regrets moving in together. No, he's not overreacting. There are a several fundamental problems here that you need to address if you want a functional relationship (and to save this), and also just to attain a calm and rational mindset for your own happiness. Not only that, but your daughter is going to suffer life-long emotional damage if you don't learn how to chill and solve everyday problems without going off the rails. Children need affirmation, they need to be absolutely certain that they are loved, cherished and protected by their parents all the time. When you yell at your kid rather than redirecting, what she hears is, "mommy doesn't love me, so, who am I and how will I survive." Some of this may be due to cognitive distortions caused by errors in your perceiving and processing of information. Part is defaulting to emotionality when you need rationality. And another part is sensitivity to other's feelings (empath). Also, effective communication is crucial to relationships and getting along in life generally (the jump to questioning the living situation was not good). I'd suggest you consider individual counseling, perhaps DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), and to start reading two books by Eckhart Tolle –– The Power of Now, and A New Earth. I also suggest that you apologize to your bf and let him know that you've recognized that you need to address these issues. I hope it all falls back into place and you learn (yes, mostly learnable skills) to be the best person you can be. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 I understand why he would shut down and that's ok for a little bit but not days. But, really, if I were him, I'd grow a set and sit her down and point out the fact that first she was screaming at her own child for wanting attention and then she was screaming at him for doing her a favor and then falsely for even implying that he was hurting the child and that he will not tolerate being abused over nothing and that this cannot happen again without asking for anger management intervention for her.
stillafool Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 I don't understand why you didn't say "what happened?" instead of "what did YOU do to my daughter?" that's a strange thing to ask of a person you love and trust. I think your boyfriend no longer feels comfortable doing things for her and it sounds like your daughter is also trying to come between you. Perhaps she made a bigger deal out of the spray than necessary to have you react the way you did. I don't blame your bf I would have been angry too and to think you could just brush it off and expect affection after that would further anger me. This is still on his mind days later so I would suggest if you want to keep him apologize for jumping to conclusions and then have a talk ASAP. 1
olivetree Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 In my opinion Op you should have humbled your self as soon as he explained what happened. You should have said “honey I apologize for yelling like that. You are right I should have asked what happened instead of responding the way that I did” Left it at that and give him some space and let him come back towards you when he felt ready to be affectionate again If after a reasonable amount of time he is still giving silent treatment and not being affectionate then there would be cause to have to have a talk about what’s going on with the relationship Your post does come off that you don’t understand how he feels and is only concerned about how you feel These were my thoughts too. He was upset and you made it all about you, OP. That said, I think it was very immature of your bf not to drive your daughter to summer camp along with his own when you live together. Side note: Moving in with your bf after 9 months together is very fast when you have children in the mix. It's a huge adjustment and it sounds like your daughter could use some more attention from you to help ease this transition. 2
elaine567 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 "what did YOU do to MY daughter?" Two issues - 1)what did YOU do? Accusatory, straight for the jugular - this is YOUR fault... 2) to MY daughter - possessive and discounting the blended family you are building. When the chips were down you were not a team, you made that perfectly clear. He has now retreated to the position of HIS kids and YOUR kid... 4
lurker74 Posted June 10, 2019 Posted June 10, 2019 Hopefully OP comes back to report what happened. Everyone here at the end is right..You need to apologize profusely and then move on. You made him feel like an abuser in front of your daughter and your neighbor. Could he have acted more evolved and explained calmly why he was upset? Sure. But he isn't the Dalai Lama. Sometimes when we feel aggrieved, we really just want the other party to acknowledge it. So do so...sincerely...give him that, and then move on with your relationship. 2
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